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“Mixologist” shut the fuck up, say boozewizard like a fucking adult

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If you ever, and I mean EVER think that you fucked something up royally, remember that the organizers of the 1904 Olympic marathon:

- Had zero stations for water on the 26 mile (42 km) course

- Accidentally gave North American competitor Tom Hicks a cocktail made of egg whites, brandy, and actual fucking rat poison

- Had a guy come into the race late wearing a beret and cutoff slacks, sneak into an apple orchard during the race because no food had been given to him for 40 hours, eat rotten apples, projectile vomit onto the track, fall asleep for hours, and finish in fourth place OVERALL because most of the other runners collapsed of exhaustion or injuries

- Conducted the race on a dusty road, which caused so much dust to be kicked into the air that an American runner somehow inhaled enough to tear his STOMACH LINING open

- Accidentally released feral dogs onto the track

- Fucked the other competitors up SO BADLY that Tom Hicks—the guy who ate RAT POISON and was HALLUCINATING the entire run—came in first place

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me: *feels random pain in body*

me: kill me

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why do ppl think its ok to waste my time

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in my car

me: lets get bumpin!!!!

me: *plays slightly upbeat emo music*

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this is superior humor

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(source)

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If there are trees you aren’t alone

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tumblr text post: no one will ever love me im ugly and gross

me: same

tumblr text post: im perfect why am i not the ruler of the world

me: same

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Fluffies bunnies

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she!

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as soon as sam from icarly found out she had a crush on someone she checked herself into a mental hospital. we could all learn from her

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i’ve got like 2 friends maybe 2.5