eunjae2056-blog

[eunjae2056-blog]

"Did I do well as a brother? Did I ever disappoint you, Jae? Do you think I did a good job when we were growing up?"

( 2056 HONESTY MEME | accepting )

    eunjae is so surprised, his mouth opens in a little ’o’ when ju finishes his question, the implications coming to him stronger because of the alcohol he has been consuming all night long— but all he feels and thinks is genuine, that much he knows. and he is so affronted, appalled; because to him, hyeonju has always been the best — best brother one could have, best family, best everything; the one who helped him be the person he is now. without hyeonju, eunjae wouldn’t even be half the man he is right now — and he owes it all to his brother.

    to think any less of him is inconceivable to eunjae. and the fact that hyeonju might be doubting that fact ? it hurts, worries him and makes him feel guilty if he ever failed to show his brother how much he matters, how great he is through and through. jae might be showing his feelings more readily now than sober, but he knows he would say the same things no matter how drunk he is.

   so his burrows furrow,  hands going up to hold his brother’s face. “hyung ! hyung — why do you ask that — do you ever doubt it ? did i make you ever doubt it ?” he asks frantically, a huff of breath leaves his lips. jae shakes his head at his own questions before he also does the same to hyeonju, eyes meeting his a few seconds after. “you’re the best, hyung. you are the best brother someone could ever have —- you’re my family hyung. you did so much to me i —”

   after that, he can’t help but get emotional again. all the sacrifices ju has made for him, taking care of him as a mother, as a father and as a brother all together when both of them had no one else to count on. the many nights hyeonju held him so he could sleep, months spent trying to come to terms with their mother’s death, endless hours of ju helping jae with his homework, schoolwork — anything he needed. hyeonju has always been the most reliable, trustworthy person in his life, the one that kept him on his feet — the one jae loves so much and owes everything to.  he wants to tell all of this to ju right then, but his first attempt is a simple ramble of words before he clears his throat and tries again.

    “you couldn’t be any better, hyung. please believe me. you did so much for me, i owe everything to you, hyung. you didn’t even need to do half of the things you did, but you have done so much, have put up with me for so long, with nothing but love and care and i — i don’t — how can you ask that ? don’t you dare doubt your worth, ju-hyung. please.” jae grows more desperate, eyes growing wet as he purses his lips. he has so much more to say, he doesn’t know where to begin. “you could never disappoint me, never. ever, ever, ever.” a bit childishly, he emphasizes, his hold tightening on ju’s face. “i’m so proud of you, so proud to call you my brother, so proud for everything you do. one couldn’t have a brother as good as you — ” and he can’t hold himself back before he stands up on his feet and pulls ju close to his chest. jae hugs him tight as he buries his face in ju’s hair, taller now that he is standing and the other is sitting down. when he mutters his final words, they are a bit wet, shaky, but they come from the bottom of his heart. “i love you, hyung. so much. you mean the world to me. don’t you ever doubt that.”

[eunjae2056-blog]

🥂 "if the fate of the whole country would depend on you ditching the person you have feelings for... would you do it?"

( 2056 HONESTY MEME | accepting )

    it’s not a question he expects or is ready for in the slightest. with the amount of alcohol in his system, it only manages to make him more emotional, upset not because of the possibility of that situation — but how real it actually is. he has… made a choice after all. by not having enough time or attention for the one he loved so much, he managed to break his own heart and ares’ by his actions, and the thought feels like a knife through his chest. ares deserves better, he deserves the world. not me, never me. he thinks, but god, it’s so hard to convince himself when he feels so alone without his presence, everything a reminder of how much eunjae has messed up.

    perhaps it’s a bit early, but eunjae still feels the backs of his eyes sting, his gaze stuck on the countertop, afraid to look at anywhere else as he toys with the glass in front of him. there are so many answers he could give, as a politician, he could divert, he could question the reality of the statement, make up a lie or a truth she might expect to hear. but he is… tired, so drunk and thinking about him just makes his chest ache again, and again, and again. it’s a chain that never stops, and it’s all his fault — all his, he should have done better, he should have been better. but he couldn’t. he isn’t.

   he downs the rest of the liquid in front of him before he sniffs, biting down on his lip hard before he can begin to speak. “i already lost him.” jae can only utter out, realizing the vagueness of the statement a bit too late. “the person i have feelings for… i lost him already.” the attempt to clarify makes his eyes water, and he is glad he is with sujin and not someone else. they might not be too close, but he doesn’t mind making fool of himself too much as he would with a stranger. and once again, he is too drunk and upset to care.

    “i don’t know if it was for the fate of the whole country but… it was involved. it was my fault. this job… no matter how much i love it, and how proud i am — it takes away a lot from you. and he deserved better…” then his mind flashes back to the images of ares with someone else, and god, he feels tears drop on his cheeks, hand going to wipe them away furiously. it just leaves him feeling like a fool, a complete idiot — because how can he feel so upset at the idea of ares finding happiness, even if it’s with someone else. the alcohol takes his coherence away, however, and god, it just hurts. he is so tired of hurting but the wound still hurts as if it’s fresh, and he doesn’t know if it will ever end. he doesn’t know if he wants it to end. maybe it was a bad idea to drink after all, but as it is with many things, it’s too late to change his mind. so he sniffs, and wipes his face with his sleeve again, face down, hoping to hide as much as he can. “he still deserves better.” a pause, he concludes it by leaving it up to her. “it’s up to you to decide which one i picked. i don’t know. maybe that’s why i fucked up.”

[eunjae2056-blog]

sunny2056‌:

( ... )

“if there is nothing left of relevance to be discussed,” she is ready to dismiss the assistants. “we would be glad to give you a tour of facilities, considering this is your first time here,” and to show you more things to invest on, she almost adds.

   this project and working with this company has been something they have been discussing as a team even before eunjae stepped into the room. advisors, campaign managers and other politicians of the green party, had all readily decided it would be a step forward as the government, a step towards improvement in scientific areas, alongside the fact that implementing one of their key policies when it came to the environment. eunjae was a good politician enough to know big decisions like this shouldn't be made alone, and even if at some points, he had the final say in decisions, other people's — his team's — thoughts were vital, and he was happy to agree with them, especially after this presentation.

   the majority leader nodded at her words, not wanting to implement and fail on a project as big as this. he always had at the back of his mind that he wasn't spending his own money, or even the party's money — but the citizens', which made decisions even more difficult to make and uphold. "of course, they will be closely inspected, after all. but we can leave the fine prints to our lawyers." eunjae mused, smiling back at her. "we do hope for the success of your project, and are looking forward to it. not only myself, but my team as a whole." with that compliment, he was eager to see the action play out in front of him, realizing that the meeting had come to an end.

   "i would appreciate that greatly. i have heard all good things, and would love to see them in person." and when they were dismissed, he stood up and buttoned his suit, putting his chair back in place as the commotion started around him. he waited for her patiently, shaking hands with people in the meantime as they left the room to their respective tasks for the day.

i'll tell you how the sun rose

[eunjae2056-blog]

2056ju‌:

He stays in the car for a few more minutes, waiting for Eunjae’s response to his question. He knows his brother wouldn’t say no to him, not in a situation like that, but he still wants to make sure and wait for the positive answer that he expects to receive — and once he does receive it, a small smile spreads on his lips. He can’t wait to see his brother, they have always been so close together when they were growing up, once Ju was fully responsible for Eunjae while their father was too busy getting drunk, it has always been weird to be away from the younger for longer than a week. And Hyeonju would always do his best to never let more than a week pass without seeing Jae. He types his own reply, fingers tapping the phone’s screen frantically, doing his best to do it fast so he can drive off to Eunjae’s apartment.

SMS SENT TO: JAEJAE. don’t worry, it’s just enough to drive to your place but i’ll have to charge as soon as i get there :( i’m gonna drive now, see you soon

After his last message is sent, Hyeonju starts the car and drives it away from the parking lot where he’s been for the last five minutes. He drives towards the road and once he’s all ready to go, he breathes deep and starts driving faster, his eyes moving from the road right before him to the screen just to keep track of how the battery is doing. But eventually, he forgets about the possibility of running out of electricity in the middle of the way, paying attention to the traffic just like he’s supposed to. And it doesn’t take too long for him to arrive, he parks the car in front of the building and sends his brother another text.

SMS SENT TO: JAEJAE. i’m here, can you open the garage for me?

    he is expectedly giddy about ju arriving, even though it hasn't been a long time since they have last seen each other, it's been a while... definitely longer than jae would have liked when it comes to his dear brother. so, he worries his bottom lip between his teeth when he hears about his car being low on charge, wanting to get out immediately if ju is stranded or stuck god knows where. luckily enough, the next texts notify him that it's not the case at all, and jae calms the little nerves that had built up before he replies.

📩   (  text to ➟ ju-hyung )  —  okie dokie, let me know if you need help, hyung!

    then he can't help but think if there is food enough after all — his home is almost always tidy, minimalistic save for documents littering his workspace back in his office, but he is proud to keep everything clean, almost meticulously so. but on the other hand, he is never too good at having food around, always in a rush to prepare grand meals, or sometimes eat properly with the rush of the work, going from one place to another, preparing one thing and next. so he wonders if he should order things in advance, for the park brothers are known for eating a lot when it comes to food. the thought spreads a smile across his face, remembering the times they ate so much, they had to lounge on the couches for an hour straight. he is just about to text ju to learn if he is hungry before the next text comes, and he supposes they can order together once he comes inside.

📩   (  text to ➟ ju-hyung )  —  on it!

    with that, he taps a few buttons on his phone to open up the garage, and throws the phone on the couch before he springs up, heading to the door to welcome hyeonju. there is a wide grin on his face as he opens to door, waiting for ju to take the elevator upstairs.

sleep is not just for the weak.

[eunjae2056-blog]

sujin2056‌:

( ... )

“so… what we want to do is… you promote an ecological lifestyle, we try to save the plants – reintroduce them to the climate, and then again you try to convince the people to not trample them, basically.” obviously, there could have been better words chosen, but sometimes she was just tired of trying to put everything in a fancy way when it could have been said in a few, simple words. 

“sorry, it is just a bit weird to… meet you like this, i guess.”, she blurted out, feeling the awkwardness spread just underneath her skin. 

    it had been a while since eunjae had a nice evening off like this, without the stress of pleasing people who were gauging him for reactions, people who were looking to find even the tiniest mistake. jae clearly wasn't the closest with sujin, but from what he knew, she was certainly nice to be around, so he genuinely looked forward to having dinner with her, getting to know her better. it was possible that they have both heard a lot about each other, but it would be fair to say they didn't know each other personally, a least not like this.

   it had been a short while since they sat down, small chatter back and forth over the food that arrived, his hand around a glass of soju as it eased the stress of the day to the back of his mind. he was careful to be friendly, though not too forward, giving her proper distance as they sat down on opposite ends of the table. he was curious about her work, but wasn't sure how to start either — not wanting to make her uncomfortable. jae knew almost everything about ju and her relationship after all, and jae didn't want her to feel judged, for it was certainly not what he wanted to do.

    so when she spoke, he perked up a little, giving her a smile as he listened intently. a small laugh left his lips when she finished, not mocking, but liking the directness of her statement. "that's very true. i do my best — we do our best." he amended, not wanting to change to his speech-giving voice, because he really wanted this to be a time between friends. "it's surprisingly difficult to get people to believe the most basic facts..." a little sigh, his shoulders moved up in a shrug before he smiled back again. "that's the way the world goes i suppose."

    her words afterwards made him shake his head at first, trying to figure out a way to comfort her, to ease the awkwardness in the atmosphere. it was quite understandable, they didn't know each other well after all — "it's okay, i'm sorry if i'm making you uncomfortable—" jae tried to fix, a hand going up to his hair to push it back. "you can ask me anything you want. i'm an open book. or we can talk about one of your interests ?"

influenced truth

[eunjae2056-blog]

[eunjae2056-blog]

your side.

TIME: 17.03.2053 PLACE: seoul national hospital WITH: @2056ju​

    it's an hour and a half after the phone call with mr. park, and jae is glad that he has calmed down enough to not show it physically. he knows ju might still be able to read him; park brothers know pretty much everything about each other, and as jae knows when ju is lying, he knows it goes both ways.  however, he genuinely hopes he can look and sound positive when he sees his hyung again, especially with the fact that hyeonju is going to wake up soon. jae is truly happy about the fact that his brother is well after all, it's just the pain of seeing him on the hospital bed that makes him want to cry again, added with what their father did — but before that thought can go any further, jae stops himself. he is going to be uplifting to his hyung, he is there for him, and god, he can't wait to see him wake up.

    once he is allowed in the room, he rushes to ju's side and sits down on the chair, immediately takes his hand in both of his own. jae's unable to look at anywhere besides him, takes in everything he can. the way scars mar ju's face, bandages wrapped around his torso, and so many machineries hooked up on him, it makes jae want to cry at the spot. how could things have gone so bad ? what did ju go through before he was brought here ? and most importantly, is he going to be well, not just physically, but mentally ? thinking about all those questions makes jae's eyes water, but he shakes his head, managing to calm himself down again. after a few minutes of just staring at his hyung, he looks down at their hands, and he caresses the back of ju’s hand softly, willing the tears to go back to their own places.

    one of his own hands are wrapped in bandages due to his previous ministrations during his talk with dad — but he pulls the sleeves of his sweatshirt as much as he can to the palm, wanting to hide them the best way they can. it should be the least of ju's concerns, jae doesn't even want him to notice, because he doesn't know how to explain it either. right then, all he wants is for his hyung to wake up — for ju to open his eyes and talk to jae. even just a few words, they would mean everything to him.

    that's why after ten minutes of sitting there, he can't help but begin to talk to him, eyes shining with tears once again as he grows more and more emotional. "hyung... it's me, ju-hyung. it’s jae... i'm here. please, open your eyes hyung, you... you need to be well, please. just open your eyes for me..." his words grow quieter as he feels more selfish, and he clenches his eyes shut for a few seconds. a few tears fall down on his cheeks, and he wipes them away before he looks at ju again. “please, hyung, please....”

[eunjae2056-blog]

torn roots.

TIME: 18.03.2053 PLACE: seoul national hospital WITH: mr. park MENTIONS: @2056ju

   it's a while after eunjae has calmed down, all of it thanks to ares and the good news from the hospital staff —that hyeonju is going to be fine. the surgery went well, and they have been told that they can visit ju later today, which something jae is very much looking forward to. a part of himself even wants to run in there right now, but they said there were still some tests to be run, and solitude was crucial. so jae settles with looking at his brother through the narrow window of the hospital door, and lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. he still yearns to go to his side and hold his hand — but even seeing him there, void of blood stains and much more lively, it reminds him once again that his brother is alive, and he is going to be well.

     there are a couple of more hours until he can go inside, and it's only a day later now that jae suddenly realizes he hasn't spoken to their father yet. he didn't notice his absence, not when ju's life was at risk. as he thinks more and more on it, he is sure the man must have been notified as well... they must have told him, right ? as protocol follows, jae and mr park are hyeonju's next of kin. but considering the man never showed his face, or even called his younger son... could he not know? that thought makes a surge of guilt go through his mind, and jae knows he has to call him immediately. after that line of thought, he rushes outside the hospital to make his call, his hands itching for a cigarette that he knows he doesn't have. shaky fingers press 'dad' and he calls him seconds afterwards.

    as he waits for the man to pick up, jae suddenly feels the pressure of being the one to tell him. now, the way he learned out was awful — not that there is a good way to learn about ju being hurt, but the cold voice over the line giving him no information at all — jae still feels panicked when he thinks of it. however, he calms himself down, thinking of ways he can break it to his father. god, he will be devastated if he doesn't know — he must be —- with so much pressure and expectations on hyeonju, as much as jae despises their dad, he thinks the man will be shocked and terribly upset by the news.

    the first call falls through, and jae has to call two more times before he manages to reach the man. if it was any other time —- he would have ignored it, but with such an important matter at hand, he wants to reach him as soon as he can. and once the call falls through, jae begins to speak, his words unsure, shaky. "dad — dad, i have to tell you something. are you sitting down ?" the man simply dismisses him on the other side, and tells him to get along with it. jae bites his cheek at the words, but realizes the man really must not know — if he behaves like he always does, this cold and dismissive, mr. park really must now know. which leaves him with a huge burden on his shoulders, but he continues. "it's hyeonju-hyung, dad — hyung, he is hurt, very badly — i don't — it was on the field, he got injured on the field."

    jae concludes and before he can attempt to explain and console, the answer that comes instead shocks him, makes him freeze at his spot. the man says "i know — i know, i'm busy know, eunjae, i'm not in seoul." and it takes a few seconds before anger overcomes eunjae, he sees red with the implications that mr. park knows everything, yet he still doesn't even sound one bit of concerned —- that he didn't even attempt to come and see his son. before he can lash out, he lets out a "you knew ?" which is answered by another grunt.

     "how could you ?" he yells next, fuming at the thought that after everything, their dad doesn't even think of paying his son a visit. ju, oh god, ju — jae knows how much ju has sacrificed to follow their father's wishes, how great of a son he is, how he is a much better man than jae will ever be —- and above all, jae knows how much ju respects the other man. and thinking about all of this only infuriates jae even further, and he can't stop himself from yelling more. "how can you be so cold ? how could you ! it's hyeonju-hyung, he devoted everything to you — how dare you sound so — so — dismissive ! how could you not care ? you should be on a plane right now !" jae lets out, expecting explanations, reasons — anything to explain this atrocity. however, the man only reprimands jae for speaking like this to his father, as if he is chiding a child rather than talking to a twenty-four-year-old man.

    and god, jae is so angry, he knows he would have punched the man if he were standing in front of him. for the lack of it, however, he punches the outer walls of the hospital, and he is so hurt and angry that he doesn't even feel the sting of his knuckles. words fall from his lips before he can stop them, the politician is overcome with fury. "i fucking hate you —- i hate you so much, it's ju-hyung, dad ! how can you sound so cold ?" he lets out, as angry tears fall down from his cheeks, mixing with the pain of betrayal and reminder of ju's condition yet again. he hears mr. park gasp then sigh on the other end of the phone. "now, let's not be so rash, child. i know it must be... difficult. but don't make things bigger than they are. don't exaggerate. he is going to be fine, and i have business matters to attend. i'll speak with you later —-" and before jae can even reply back, he hears the click of the phone, and mr. park hangs up on him.

    and jae really can't stop himself from letting out a yell and punching the wall once again, hurting and angry and pained — all negative emotions build up together. he was never fond of their dad, with how strict he was, how he always demanded so much of his dear brother —- but now, jae honestly means it when he says he despises the man. he hates mr. park with all he has, everything the man represents, jae hates it. his knuckles are red by the time he calms down; they sting, but jae barely manages to calm himself down nonetheless. he knows he is going to see hyeonju soon, he knows he has to look happy and positive to his hyung after such a traumatic event, but he needs a moment to calm down, for he doesn't know how to handle what their father just did. eunjae also doesn't know how he will respond when he sees the man next, but the only thing he knows is that he doesn't want to see him ever again. hyeonju deserves a dad much, much better than him.

[eunjae2056-blog]

hold on to me.

TIME: 17.03.2053 PLACE: seoul national hospital WITH: @ares2056

    jae doesn't know how long has passed, he can't think about anything that's going around him because the reality only now begins to sink in. ju... his brother is injured in conflict, taken to surgery that's going to take hours and hours —- with no clear answers, and only more and more fear in eunjae's mind, he sits there with his back to the cubicle wall, legs pulled to his frame, face buried in his hands as he cries. it all builds up, all the tension and fear in his body from the moment he got the call, it all comes together. as the adrenaline starts to ebb away, the panic sets in, and no matter how much jae pulls at his hair, his sobs get more uncontrollable, to the point that he is struggling to breathe.

    the uncertainty is too much — ju is such a prominent part of jae's life that he never thought he would be gone, never thought there would be a time where he would be on this side of the hospital door. and as all thoughts begin to come together, jae yearns for ares, his lover — the only person who can ground him in a situation like this. god, how much he wants ares to be there, he wants to hold him tight and tell him everything, ask for his shoulder and ear as jae breaks down at the seams. he needs him, god, he needs him so much. but as it stands, he is all alone, sitting on the cold floors of the hospital bathroom.

    it's the only rational thought amongst the panic that overcomes his entire being, the irrational thoughts come one after another, leave him with sobs that heave his chest, leaving him choking as he pulls at his hair with shaky hands. jae needs ares, he can help him —- that's all he can think about as he pulls his phone from his pocket, shaky hands look for the right name as tears fall down on the screen. it's another blur exactly how jae manages to do so, but he does, and it's a few seconds later that he hears his voice across the phone.

    "ari — oh god —" jae can only choke out, his lover's voice only bringing out more sobs, for he doesn't even know where to begin explaining everything, not when even jae himself has no answers. "he is so hurt, hyung — he is so hurt, he promised, he p-promised, oh god, ari, i can't, i don't —-" he lets out frantically between the sobs, as they get louder, his hands shake more, so much that he needs to grasp the phone so tight his hand hurts from the strain. "so much blood, t-there was so much of it, i - i don't know what to do, i can't— hyung, he can't — he can't leave — wh-why — ari, please — please, i need you —-" jae rambles on, unaware that he isn't even making any sense. he lets out a pained sound as he pulls at his hair, feeling faint from all the sobs that wreck his frame. jae wants to speak — he knows he has to explain more, but he can't. not after everything he has seen, not with so much fear still leaving him breathless."p-please come here, ari — please —-" he begs, his voice muffled as he bites hand to stop himself from making more sounds.

[eunjae2056-blog]

promises.

TIME: 17.03.2053 PLACE: seoul national hospital MENTIONS: @2056ju

     it's just another day living in a world so chaotic; the clock nears seven, and jae fights the urge to fall asleep on top of the papers in front of him. the past few days have been a string of more challenges to overcome, and he feels as if there wasn't a time to close his eyes. but he still wants to get things done — even if there is a big pile of documents to read on the table, and there is that lingering feeling that he is not making any progress at all. on top of his work with the party, there is more to be done with non-profit organizations — many people who need his help, and god, eunjae wishes that there were more hours in the day.

     it's during that time that his phone begins to buzz on the table, on silent as it always is — near his person, and close enough to turn it off if it doesn't require his instant attention. however, this time, it's a number he doesn't know of. not many people outside his contact list have his number to begin with, so he fights the uneasy feeling in his gut before he picks up the phone and brings it to his ear.

     "hello, i'm calling from the hospital. is this park eunjae ? park hyeonju's brother ?" the voice asks, distant, detached. it's a call he has been fearing from the moment ju joined military, and jae's fears only increased when his brother moved up the ranks to be the commander. and now, at the light of everything that's happening — it's as if someone has poured a bucket of cold water over his head. this can't be anything good, not when the conflict is still blooming, not when rebel forces have been attacking the government worse than ever. jae feels his hand shake when he clutches the phone closer to his ear, dread spreading across every part of his body as he stands up, ready to leave. "y-yes. it's me. what — is he —-"

    jae can only being to ramble, panic threatening to set in before the voice cuts him short. "i can't give any details over the phone, sir. you need to come to seoul national hospital as soon as you can." and he doesn't even remember what he says next. he doesn't remember stuffing the phone in his pocket as he begins to run, he doesn't remember how he drives to the hospital under fifteen minutes. all of it is a blur until jae parks haphazardly in front of the hospital and runs inside.

    adrenaline takes control of his entire being, panic not yet had settled in for the fact that he has to be doing something — i needs to run, ju needs me, and oh god, even thinking for a second about what might be happening makes jae want to throw up. not ju, oh god, not ju, please, not him, i need to — i need to know, please —- he chants in his head until a nurse meets him at the emergency room, and if jae was calm enough, he could see the pity and concern in her eyes.

     he's only told that they are preparing ju for surgery, and jae's hands shake when he realizes it might still be critical — that they haven't even begun helping him yet. apparently, it hasn't been even that long since soldiers were brought to the hospital, the scene of conflict was far enough that they needed immediate medical help before they could be brought here. and thinking about all of these makes panic rise in jae's chest and he nods, unaware that he's even doing so before he is left alone.

    the hospital is a blur around him, soldiers here and there, medical personnel running around, next of kin crying and trying to make sense of things. new people are being wheeled in as he stands there, and god, his eyes are still glued to the door of the emergency room. and when the next group of people leave the room, jae feels like the clock stops.

     it's not anyone else this time. it’s hyeonju on that stretcher, his brother, his entire family lies there unconscious, with blood all around him — there is so much of it that jae can't even see where the wound is, red speckles mar his face, his eyes are closed; there is no hint of life in his entire body if not for the commotion around him. and at the sight of his worst nightmares coming true, jae feels like his entire world is coming to an end, heart thrumming, tears streaming down his face as he watches ju being wheeled into a surgery room. a part of himself wants to run, he wants to go to ju’s side immediately, to hold his hand and beg him to stay — with tear stained cheeks, and words filled with despair, eunjae wants to beg his brother to never leave him again.

    he promised. a voice supplies in his mind, it's childish, irrational — a promise hyeonju had made when they were children, that he was never going to leave jae alone, that he would always be there for his brother. but now, what does a promise hold ? what can jae do when his entire family is there, in that room with the ‘do not enter’ sign on it, struggling for life ? god, jae would do anything in the world to prevent ju from getting hurt, and as the reality of the situation starts to set in, he crumbles down on his knees, uncontrollable sobs shaking his entire frame as he leans against the wall. ju — oh god, ju — what happened, how did it happen —- and most of all, is he going to be okay?

     he has to be, he has to be, oh god, hyung, please —- he chants in his mind, buries his face in his hands and pulls at his own hair to ground him. but there is nothing to ground him there, nothing but a corridor filled with pain all around him. jae feels like breaking apart, one of his utmost fears becoming real — jae doesn't think he can hold on. however, with the little rationality he has, he stands up on shaky legs and barely makes it into a cubicle before he breaks down again. his back hits the wall before he falls down, pulls his knees in front of him and he begins to cry. ju needs to be okay — he has to be, oh god, please — jae doesn't know what he will do if ju doesn't pull through. and even that mere thought makes him begin to hyperventilate. “please, hyung, please, you promised —” he chants it into silence, voice broken by sobs — jae begs and prays to whoever's above that ju makes it through. he has to.

[eunjae2056-blog]

‘ hold on to me ‘cause i’m a little unsteady . ’   ╱   @eunjae2056     

𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐒 ｡

( ... )

and ares breathes , and breathes , and drinks , and smiles — but inwardly he feels his insides shattering , and breaking , and twisting . everything hurts but still , he breathes , and he smiles . ares can’t turn his thoughts off , that’s for certain , but he can drink — and by god he’ll take anything just to have his thoughts blur into something almost incoherent. 

ares straightens himself , drink in hand with an easy smile on his face as he looks towards his date . he can do this , just smile , just drink , just smile — forget him . 

   it's just another event, just another night filled with fake smiles and forced laughter, a night filled with acting to be the perfect listener, the perfect speaker — that's all eunjae expects to follow. nothing else, and even if his smiles are a lot more forced than they used to be, even if he can't bring himself to sleep peacefully lately, he has a role to fulfil. even if he is proud of the work he does, he can't help but hate what it brought him, the person he has become. it's never spoken out loud, never uttered in words or even whispers, but eunjae feels more lost now than ever since the break-up. he feels empty, alone in his own home— and that day plays over and over in his head, making him hate himself more than he ever thought he would.

   it's not easy to forget, he can't forget and he doesn't even want to — everything reminds him of ares, so much that he stays up looking at old photographs more often than not lately. whenever he has a short time to himself, it's all his mind revolves back to. he can't stop himself, he can't stop the guilt, or the pain — and a part of himself doesn't even try to stop those awful feelings. he knows he deserves it, as well as he knows why he said those words that day — eunjae still doesn't think he deserves ares at all; with how packed his schedule is and how he is burning the rope on both ends, he still stands behind the fact that ares deserves much better. then again, his attempt at justification doesn't numb the pain.

   what eunjae does instead is to push himself more into his work. he stays in his office for hours longer than he did before, putting effort into something he knows how to fix. in this particular instance, work includes a dinner party, not the most formal one he has attended, but one that requires him to be there. so he converses with the guests, clad in a tux fit for the occasion. what he doesn't expect is to find a familiar face in the crowd, so familiar that jae freezes as the group around him continue to speak.

   he is unable to look away, and he feels a pang of hurt in his chest just from the sight of ares. it has been a while since he had seen him, and to see him so unexpected — it's a surprise he doesn't know how to handle. however, little he knows is that the huge blow is yet to come. when ares shifts, eunjae sees his arm around a girl, undeniably his date to the party. that's when he feels his heart shatter in pieces, as ares and jae meet eyes across the crowd and he knows ares has brought a date. his head is a mess after that, the fact that ares has found someone, he's not his, he belongs to someone else — someone else occupies his bed and sees him so sleep ruffled and soft in the morning — and as thoughts come by without stopping, jae can't handle it, he can't handle standing there even a minute more, and he quickly excuses himself. he is about to cry, he is about to break down, and he can't afford to do that in front of so many people.

   he breaks ares' gaze before he slips through the crowd as quickly as he can, running when he is out of sight. he throws open the door of the bathroom before he walks in, and once he makes sure he's alone, he breaks down. choked sobs leave his chest heaving, and he puts his hands on the sink, wanting something to ground him as his head falls down between his shoulders, tears dropping from his eyes as he tries to hide his sobs. eunjae feels so dumb, it's all his fault, it's his fault — how dare he cry, how dare he feel this way, as if ares owes anything to him after all that he is done. but he can't stop feeling, he can't stop his heart breaking, the image of ares and another girl, with someone else, doesn't leave his mind, and jae doesn't know what to do — he lets out a pained noise and buries his face in his hands just as he hears the door open —  he needs to hide — he needs to do something —- but he doesn't know what.

unsteady.

[eunjae2056-blog]

𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐒 ｡

( ... )

ares lets out a snort , trying to lighten the suddenly heavy mood as he walks past the older male and up to his door . ‘ as if you’d have to even ask , ’ he mumbles , unlocking the door and pushing it open . ‘ get in . though , i might not be much for conversation since well , i’m kind of buzzed right now , ’ he admits , stepping into his apartment and kicking off his shoes . ‘ i know you don’t drink that much but . . if you were having such a shitty week , you could’ve just called me and i’d have gotten a drink in you — or two , ’ he says , looking over his shoulder at eunjae before proceeding to his kitchen . ‘ still , not too late to start — what do you wanna drink ? ’

    it doesn't take long to figure out that ares is intoxicated, and it sends a sharp pang of worry through his chest. he can't help the guilt that sweeps by after that, maybe the other is already troubled enough that eunjae doesn't need to add more onto it, maybe it is a bad time indeed, maybe ares just doesn't... want to see him. he can't help the doubt and worry and guilt alongside a lot of other emotions that swirl in his head — there was a time when he wasn't so reluctant, so unsure around the younger, but now, he is too afraid to do the wrong thing, so afraid that ares will decide to put a distance between them again. so that's why he tended to walk on eggshells for a good portion of the last few months. ares means too much to him, even though eunjae knows ares won't ever be his — he still wants him in his life.

   the bond between them is still unbroken, it is harmed, perhaps faltering at times, yet still intact and strong in the way that even seeing ares in front of him makes eunjae's heart flutter. the visceral reaction to the sight of the younger is so familiar that it hurts on top of everything that has happened. but this is a familiar pain, he is used to pushing this down as he looks at his childhood friend of so many years. jae gives him a genuine smile; it's restrained, almost afraid of rejection, but there is no lie in the fact that eunjae is happy to see him.

    when ares speaks, jae almost lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding, the tension breaks even by a little bit, the fear of being turned away so early on, dissipates slowly. he follows him inside, and shakes his head quickly when ares speaks. "it's okay — i should have let you know before coming here so suddenly, i just..." there is a long pause that follows, teeth sinking to the back of his lip. none of the events that happened that day was planned, or even expected the slightest — and a rational eunjae trying to find a cause for everything, doesn't know how to continue on with that statement. "just, thank you for accepting me in."

    he takes off his shoes near the entrance, and sets the box of his belongings nearby as well. an irrational side of him doesn't want to see them again, the contents only remind him of what has happened, the memory of a relationship he treasured that crumbled so suddenly.  eunjae knows he will tell ares about it all very soon, but for the time being, he simply follows the younger. ares is spot on with the fact that eunjae isn't too fond of drinking, especially since he has to be coherent on every day of the week, trying to impress clients or his professors, there is little time to let go. however, this time, he can't bring himself to say no. maybe a drink or two will help him open up easier, but he doesn’t want to drink too much, not when he feels so vulnerable already.

     “i didn’t think of that, really. i wanted to stop by, i guess.” once they enter the kitchen, he leans by the counter, watching the younger get glasses. "uh — i'll have whatever you have. i'm not too picky. just not something too strong maybe ?" even if he wants to have a drink, he still wants to avoid being drunk, especially with how things are between the two right then. he doesn't want to be a burden, even if he feels like that as he stands there in the younger's condo. so rather than opening up so quickly, he does his best attempt at small talk. he is sure ares is able to tell how awkward he sounds, that there is much more in his mind that he isn't sharing yet, but eunjae speaks nonetheless. "how... how was your day, ares ? was it busy ?" 

shrike.

[eunjae2056-blog]

sunny2056‌:

( ... )

“before anything else, i would like to thank you for considering our work important,” sunny rises from her seat, trying to balance the act as half-suck-up and half-non-believer. they are about to go through any questions he might have after the unveiling.

“i hope you found it worth your time.”

                                                                                𝔣𝔢𝔞𝔱. @eunjae2056​

   as it is at the forefront of the green party's goals, it's undeniably important to find environmentalist solutions to the country's problems. more than anything, eunjae wants to make a change, he wants to make improvements for their citizens and forward progress for the future. the great divide is a great reminder of why they need to make changes as soon as they possibly can, and what great way is there to do that than investing in scientific research.

   hence, eunjae and his team are always on the lookout for new scientific breakthroughs, new projects that need funding. their alliance with damsu is just as important of course, and when they hear of a new project between the company and certain private labs, it's quickly within green party's interest. in eunjae's opinion, the government should be there especially in instances like this — even if their predecessors would prefer laundering money to their own pockets than spare a dime for their city, green party obviously is against every bit of that stance.

   therefore, he is quite excited to hear more of the project, the premise is very intriguing to say the least, and even if eunjae isn't the most well-versed when it comes to science ( having studied law instead ), he is sure they will put it in layman's terms for him. and through the years, he had done his research on environmental sciences more than a few times, so once again, he doesn't fear that it's going to be too complicated to understand.

   the unveiling goes smoothly, eunjae intently listening to the woman of the hour, the one behind this important project. when she speaks, he knows they look at him for a reply. so with a wide smile, he nods. "absolutely. it was a great presentation." his words genuine, he pauses before continuing. "would it be possible to see your research in action, perhaps ? i would be thrilled to see how you are planning to implement it on a greater scale."

i'll tell you how the sun rose

[eunjae2056-blog]

🐌 How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

( 2056 MEME | accepting )

    “it depends on the occasion, to be honest.” eunjae points out, tilting his head to the side as he tries to figure out certain categories to explain it easier. “if i have a big speech that day, it will take me around an hour to get ready ? give or take. coordinating all parts of an outfit is much more difficult than it seems.” it even depends on the crowd he is speaking to, the weather, what kind of speech he is going to make — it doesn’t just end with a suit, which is already difficult on its own. one also needs a proper tie, different shoes, cuff-links; and as someone who really didn’t think clothes mattered that much, he had people to help him; but it was dull nonetheless. luckily, he doesn’t have to go through that procedure every day, and after many years in this line of profession, eunjae is more than familiar with the basics. “on a regular day, i’d say twenty minutes to thirty. it usually doesn’t take longer than that.”

[eunjae2056-blog]

😺 Do you own a pet or would you like to own one? If so, what animal?

( 2056 MEME | accepting )

    eunjae purses his lips in thought, needing a short second to think on that. when it comes to pets, the first one that comes to his mind is nabi; he has lived with the siamese cat for a long time when he and ares shared an apartment, he loved the animal to bits — but after everything that happened, he can’t bring himself to mention nabi, doesn’t think he can say nabi was his. there is a a lot of guilt that comes with it more than anything, the hurt is no one’s fault but his. it’s really easy to go down that line of thought, but jae manages to shake his head, attempt to change the subject instead. “i… didn’t own one, not really. i have always wanted a dog though, i’m just worried i wouldn’t be able to take care of it.”

[eunjae2056-blog]

               𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑴𝑨𝑱𝑶𝑹𝑰𝑻𝒀 𝑳𝑬𝑨𝑫𝑬𝑹  |  𝖯𝖠𝖱𝖪 𝖤𝖴𝖭𝖩𝖠𝖤                                                                                   ( moodboard 001.)

[eunjae2056-blog]

minji2056‌:

“yes, but we aren’t really getting anywhere with absolutely fried brains,” she tried to reason. as she leaned back on the couch and let out a small huff, hoping that it’d release some of this stress on their shoulders. it didn’t. her eyes wandered over him tired eyes and knew that he was feeling even worse than she was.

eunjae was one of her closest friends, and she could see how much this was stressing him. this much stress wasn’t good on him, and minji couldn’t help but feel herself worry about him. she brought herself to stand up and move over to the mini fridge in the room and grabbed them both a water. “what if,” she started slowly as she thought a little bit more. 

“what if we actually shorten it?” minji sat his water on the table in front of him and kept walking to her mind could keep active. “we could take out a couple of the middle paragraphs that aren’t the best, and instead just allow people ask questions that are bound to have relevancy to the parts we’re cutting out.” she wasn’t sure if this was something he’d even be up for doing, but she still felt that it was worth asking. “what do you think? maybe it could also make the people feel more included and present.”

    "that's... true." he couldn't help but admit, the amount of writing they have been doing had steadily decreased as time passed by, indicating that they were much less productive with how tired they were. then again, eunjae really didn't want to admit defeat, knowing that they had to finish it so that he would have some peace of mind. exhaustion and sleep didn't always go hand in hand, and he knew finishing this was a high priority for the party.

    one of his elbows on the table, he pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting the urge to bury his face in his hands. the coming headache would be a difficult one, but hopefully, it would come after they had finished for the day. or, as he looked at his watch, maybe the end of the day had already come, but it was usual for them to work through the nights.

   one hand reached for the bottle and he uncapped it before taking a sip,  realizing he was much parched than he had realized. his gaze went up as she spoke, following her as she walked. it... made a lot of sense to begin with, and he leaned forward and nodded before he spoke. "that... might actually work. we are addressing an audience who isn't fond of us, so i doubt they would listen more than five minutes of my speaking. if we... leave more ground for them to express their concerns, they would listen a lot more than me just talking..." eunjae agreed, a genuine smile on his lips as he looked at his friend. "that's really smart, minji — that might just work —-"

after hours. || minji & eunjae