evanescentjoy

[evanescentjoy]

1 Year Post High School

Today is June 10, 2023. I graduated high school one year ago today. I graduated without sending a single college application in, no job, and absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. My parents have been pretending to be supportive of my decision, but I know they’re disappointed in me.

They won’t help me, and I feel alone through all of it. In this past year, I’ve figured out what I want to major in, and where I want to go. But I have NO support. I’m just supposed to do it all by myself. Plus, they’re too busy trying to one up each other.

“Come live with me. It’ll be better than your mother’s.”

“Your father is useless, and doesn’t actually care.”

Thank you so much parents. I love my sisters, but they’re so selfish sometimes. My older sister is in college and couldn’t give less of a fuck about anyone but herself. (Which is so ironic because my parents have done everything for her for 21 years.) My younger sister lives in some fantasy world where she doesn’t have to help with anything because she “does so much.” Newsflash, boiling water for pasta is not difficult, you’re 16. I know I need to help around the house, but that shouldn’t mean cooking every meal, cleaning all the dishes, doing everyone’s laundry, and taking care of my verbally abusive grandfather.

It hurts me so much that I get no acknowledgment from my family because I’m just expected to do it. My mother, the adult, thinks I, an 18 year old, should do everything. I get the excuse that she has to work, my sister has school. I’ve been doing this for 3 years. 2 of those years I was also in school.

I also went from having a few friends to 0, and I’m not exaggerating (I graduated with a friend group of me and 4 girls). I did my best to text them and try to stay in contact, which I have trouble with (because I think everyone secretly hates me), but I got no texts back. One friend I had graduated yesterday, and I texted her about coming to her graduation. She never responded so I didn’t go, but I sent her a card and a gift.

I opened Instagram this morning to see the other 3 girls in our friend group were there together. I don’t know what I did to them, but I guess what they say about high school friendships is true. This was definitely a wake up call for me.

I’m sitting here writing this, doing my absolute best to take control of my future. I have a horribly habit of living in the last, because I don’t like change. But, I have a plan.

Step 1- Enroll in online classes for the upcoming school year.

Step 2- Move into my dad’s house (Not to one up my mom, but to have a clean, quiet environment to do schoolwork in).

Step 3- Get a job and my license.

Step 4- Move on.

I’m 18 years old. A high school graduate. And the world is my oyster. I need to fight to move on and start a new chapter. I’ve learned I’m also not alone in these feelings.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. If you can relate, know you’re not alone. Hopefully there’ll be a positive update to this soon.

[evanescentjoy]

Welcome to My Profile!!!

My name is B and I’m 18.

I’m using this as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings because quite frankly, I’m desperate.

I like movies, music (especially Taylor Swift), and sleeping.

Feel free to stick around and read all my oversharing.

[evanescentjoy]

Happy Birthday to Me

I turn 18 in 4 hours and 36 minutes.

18 represents the symbolic end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood. The ending of one chapter, and the start of another. A new period of life that comes with responsibilities, expectations, and a ridiculous amount of pressure.

I graduated high school on June 10, 2022.

I was in 10th grade during the first lockdown. The end of my sophomore year directly influenced my junior year. I was completely virtual and spent September 2020 to June 2021 staring at my bedroom wall and wishing I could disappear. During that time, I should have figured out a major and colleges to apply to. But every time I would think about college, I would have an anxiety attack. Eventually, senior year rolled around. It was “crunch time” so to speak. My dad did his best but I was unwilling. I graduated with no applications even sent out. And I have no idea why. I don’t know why I couldn’t just ask for teacher recommendations, or write a college essay. I just couldn’t do it. It’s been almost a year and I have yet to come to a conclusion.

I haven’t been truly happy in 4 years.

The last time I remember not feeling anxious or sad or depressed was the night before I started 10th grade. My freshman year of high school was amazing and I made some of my closest friends to this day. But sophomore year was the complete opposite. During the school year, I had my first panic attack (of very many to follow), I had a teacher who made it her life mission to make me miserable, and it was the first time I genuinely didn’t want to live. When Covid hit, it only got worse. I spent the entirety of my junior year wanting to die. I broke down every day, I couldn’t eat or sleep, and I cried through a test of two (thousand). It slowly got better during my senior year, but anxiety is a cruel bitch. Now, sitting here with virtually no future, those feelings are back in full force. They almost feel worse this time because I understand what they are now. Just existing feels impossible and suffocating these days. I can’t bring myself to do anything. I have to get a job soon since I’m not doing school, but I’m dreading it.

I feel so isolated.

My family has a real issue of disregarding feelings. I can’t talk to my family because they would say some shit like “You need to grow up” or “I guess I’m just a bad parent then”. Thank you so much for the support guys. I’m just supposed to be happy and positive ALL THE TIME. Meanwhile, I wake up everyday wishing I could just go back to sleep and never wake up. I handle my feelings like every mature person: I cry all the fucking time. I cry myself to sleep, I cry when certain songs play, I just fucking cry. The worst part is that it’s the only thing that makes me feel slightly better afterwards.

BONUS:

In the little break I took while writing this, I got a wonderful reminder of why I really fucking hate my birthday. My parents are divorced, and HATE each other. They can’t be civil with each other for two minutes (not even for their kids). I’m at my moms house on my birthday, but wanted to see my dad at some point during the day. I asked if he wanted to go to breakfast, and I got a short, nasty message back saying he has to work. I decided to drop it then, and wait until when I see him in 2 days. No, of course not. He then asks if we can go to dinner, but I already have dinner plans with my mom and sister. So, my sister and I spent over an hour trying to figure dinner out, only to have my dad shoot down and criticize everything we suggest. So, I get to sit through a miserable birthday dinner with my dad and sister, and I don’t get to have dinner with my mom.

And of course I procrastinated while writing this, so when I post this, I will turn 18 in 1 hour and 30 minutes, and it feels fucking horrible 👍.