eventuallyme - Tumblr blog

[eventuallyme]

“i love all sides of you”

but me to you too

[eventuallyme]

Hello!

It’s been a while!

How are you feeling now?

It’s weird. To summarise this past month, I realised: love is fake. I’m exaggerating but life really is so much more than “finding this special person”. I realised searching only leads to heartbreak and having any ounces of hope just leads to pain.

If it happens, it happens. But jeez the amount of desperation out there- I hope not to become one of the crowd.

And so, I wanted a purpose outside of my identity.

And then it hit me:

You’ve always wanted a dog. You (now) have the funds for it. Maybe an animal companion is the way to go.

So I chased the feeling and jumped headfirst into a scam. It sucks that there are people out there who are this shitty. I tossed and turned, waiting and praying that this was all legitimate. It wasn’t, and I paid the price.

From then on, I faced the sunk cost fallacy and continued to pursue the dead horse dream. A part of me still wanted it, but most of me was exhausted. I ended up following through and the consequences rained in: it all hit me.

My life will never be the same. Constrained and bound, I signed my life away. Gone we’re the moments I was living for myself: each and every day is solely focused on this puppy, every hour, every waking minute, it’s him.

I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe, I can’t get space.

Overwhelming judgements flog to my mind the moment I even remotely take a breather: “you chose this” i’m constantly reminded, “this is your responsibility” “you begged for this”.

I hate this. Raising a puppy has its pros and cons and the daily routine is tedious but doable- that part is fine. What I despise most is the looming micromanagey judgements, the scissors that clipped my wings, the “we told you so: this is all on you” carrot on a stick that dangles above my head.

The moment I step away for myself, I’m automatically a shit human being. It makes me not want to do my responsibilities which fuels the cycle of “hey you’re not fulfilling your responsibilities”.

THIS FUCKING BLACKMAIL AURA - LOANSHARK ENERGY - I DESPISE IT.

I will not forever be in your debts for your gracefulness FUCK RIGHT OFF. I thank you for your help and assistance I’m sure but I refuse to be bound with side eye conflictions.

I hate this and I hate you.

I’m sorry to hear that. Did your love life ever pick up?

I’m afraid to admit it, but I think so.

Not really but I know deep down, my heart is being set on one.

Our communication, our dissection of hypotheticals, our commonalities in values/ideals/interests is uncanny and unmatched.

I have hope but I refuse to admit it.

That I’m slowly falling for you.

[eventuallyme]

[eventuallyme]

D Me:

It’s been an interesting past few weeks.

You’ve had some interesting highs, some weird lows and I am honestly so proud of where you are right now. There’s still ways to go but take every step with poise, sincerity, and as your last.

You’re alone at the moment but it’s not lonely? You know that someone amazing is out there but they just haven’t arrived yet.

They may never arrive though and that’s okay! You’re embracing yourself and spending time with yourself doing the things you want to do.

Do you have regrets? Not at all.

We appreciate the journey so far and just have to recharge. Let’s not waste too much time or energy into those who don’t matter.

Embrace you- and I love you. Keep it up :)

[eventuallyme]

D4:

I think it’s starting to kick in.

You seem to be getting dryer and dryer every day

which I guess is your process

it kind of annoys me since

you were the one who wanted to keep in contact

but not going to lie

i think this works. it sucks it had to end this way.

i didn’t think it would end this soon. why didn’t we share our hopes and concerns earlier? i would have loved to be reassured. i wanted to believe we were really meant to be - and that there was hope.

i think we can both move on and set that distance

and understand

that

it will never be the same

even though we had so many nice memories

and dreams about our future

times where

it was genuinely just you and me

I never got to say thank you

for being in my life

and no matter what moving forward

we’ve hurt each other too much

[eventuallyme]

D2:

I think part of the reason we had our downfall was because of family and culture. I know to you, you think it’s because of your situation but I think it’s more the surrounding implications. It sounds like a lose-lose situation 75% of the time and in all cases I didn’t want to be the reason you risked it all. “Maybe it’s not meant to be” echoed in my head. And a small part of me wished that you took my advice on board, or reassured me that an amicable solution was on its way, or fought together with me instead of running from the inevitable.

I think a major part of all this is also around finding stability in a partner. I feel like my past, my present, my thoughts, my self worth can sometimes be unstable and I kind of need someone who can ground me (and hopefully, someone I can reliably ground too). But our future seemed bleak with uncertainty especially around: family, culture, finances, emotionality/conflict and that scared me to bits. So I felt alone, I did it all myself? So parts of me regrets not being fully supported (and not fully supporting you) and another part regrets not letting you in.

I do regret not being appreciative of the tough times. When we had no one, little spouts in our day, and we were there for each other. Life doesn’t always go our way but it was honestly never scary because we knew we had eachothers backs. That level of trust and connection, I appreciate it. Thankyou for those times.

I hope you can see that i’m doing this for our greater good with the best intentions for you. You didn’t deserve to be judged and I think the lifestyle values ingrained in me unfairly judged you. I tried to brush off these innate beliefs but they teetered around for too long and the guilt become overwhelming. “Why couldn’t I accept you like how you accept me? What is wrong with me”.

When this broke loose, we did not handle this well.

All in all, you deserve someone who accepts you fully and I am sorry. I sincerely do want to see you shine and one day know that it was all for the better.

I think today is a lot of regrets and lots of talking myself down. I am fighting against the regret but deep down we both know it’s for the best. So chin up!! It’s okay, don’t be hard on yourself. We have to face our choices and we’re in this together. The future is bright!!

[eventuallyme]

D1:

Today was okay, it feels so surreal though. Maybe work is a distraction but the weight is slowly kicking in.

I miss sharing the mundane with you, knowing that at the end of the day, I have someone waiting for me, and it’s us against the world.

Lunch time calls, grocery calls, gaming into the moonlight.

Something fundamentally broken, but in solace we found each other - we weren’t alone.

If I was to think of my most favourite moment it would be when you opened up to me at the station. We sat there for hours trying to deconstruct your sudden life crisis: your emotions, your experiences, and your thoughts. We were connected then, no one else mattered, trains and passer-by’s flowed in and out of the subway, and as a constant, we had each other.

We promised we would get through it together.

I stumbled on our origin moment, it was magical back then. It’s sad to see how sour it turned. We were so naive back then, but we were happy. We took a leap of faith and it’s not to say we became unhappy, but I wish we nurtured our younger past selves.

I feel mostly guilty that I gave in. Am I fundamentally broken in that, I can’t feel gratitude in the abundance around me? I picture you, smiling, looking forward to seeing/hearing me. I share to you disappointing news, my doubts, my insecurities, our problems and your smile slowly drops. The disappointment in your eyes - that wasn’t what you were expecting to hear - as the hurt creeps in.

To my younger self, we will get through this! You were abandoned before and so now you believe that the worst pain you could inflict on someone else is abandonment. Be kind to yourself, you have an amazing future ahead and you just gotta believe and keep moving forward.

Hope to see you better than ever

[eventuallyme]

Dear you,

It’s been a journey and it feels weird to

close that chapter of my life.

I half pictured you in and out of my future … it was

strange.

I think the signs were obvious

and the inevitable was

slowly but surely

closing in

did I give up too soon?

the ambiguity that surrounded our future

situationally

was tough

I probably should have been a better supporter

I didn’t like not knowing

how to navigate the situation

maybe I unnecessarily took on that burden

and the helplessness reigned over me.

I must say though

I think I will mourn

the mundanity

that you flourished.

i love love loved the feeling when

at the end of the day

no matter what

we had each others backs

boring, exciting, plain, eccentric

we shared those moments

lived at a distance

but connected as one.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be more supportive.

I’m sorry I took you and those times for granted.

And I’m sorry for letting you and us down.

I appreciate all the effort you put into us thus far.

Sincerely, I feel so shit that I was the one to give up.

I know you changed, adapted and adjusted

based on my needs

and I hope you can carry that change

into the future.

I guess it’s true when they say

only once you lose something

does it’s value truly sparkle.

it feels incredibly shitty

but I think it’s for the best.

because they also say

if you really love them,

you’d let them go.

Dear me,

Don’t forget

we didn’t come to this conclusion for no reason

it’s for the future

it’s for being better

and for stability and happiness.

We had many differences

and didn’t see eye to eye

on a lot of things

and it sucks that the one person you really care for

can never understand you fully.

I don’t think it should have been that hard?

Maybe i’m too hopeful of the future?

But good job for coming this far

Sincerely

You learnt a lot!

Loved well

Trusted well

you’ve Grown well.

You definitely could have done things better

but you live and you learn and

know that life is so much bigger than this.

It’ll be lonely

that’ll take time getting used to

but we got this!

we got this

We have so much more to know about the world

about ourself

don’t be hard on yourself

channel your regrets, sadness and hope for the future

become someone better than ever

and flourish your potential (or what you could never be)

and to each other,

we wish you well.

stay strong, stay healthy, and I hope one day you can be truly happy

happier than ever before!

and when I can see you smile in success

it’ll all be worth it.

stay strong you two!

Sincerely,

[eventuallyme]

i think the thing that annoyed me the most is that

i feel like i am mostly aware of your insecurities

so to call out mine

and have “justifications” for your comments is really low

and to be fair

my comment back wasn’t even that bad

in my opinion either don’t be a hypocrite

or be prepared to be dished

what you were so confidently serving

fire will always be fought back with fire

[eventuallyme]

every journey must come to an end

it’s sad it had to come to this

it’s a bitter sweet moment

nothing catastrophic

nothing malicious

just

life

and compatibility

and you

me

it sucks

i am thankful

for our time together

our journey

our growth

our support

our experiences

our moments

our wins

our losses

our efforts

when the world was hard

and you felt alone

you were never really alone

but now you are, this is the consequence

it’s the decision you made

the person you gave away

the world really feels like it’s crashing

you don’t realise how much of yourself you have just lost

but it needed to be done

i hate being the one who gave up

i hate these overwhelmingly complicated emotions

was i ungrateful?

you never gave up

was i sensing something

that was not meant to be?

i’m trying to cherish what we had

who we became

and i will sincerely miss you

and all of your support

take it easy

and

thank you

let’s move on to a better world

bo

[eventuallyme]

it feels like

an out of body experience

am i exhausted?

am i confused?

i’m here

but i’m not

we’re stationary?

forgive and forget?

why am i struggling?

did i lose hope somewhere?

i don’t want to believe

that i’ve lost some part

but i know i have

but why?

perhaps one of our clashes?

i felt up til now

i was fighting for us

and only when i let go

you were

and are

fought for us

but everything up til now

has been so draining

and a small spark has been lost

coming to terms

with the end of a phase

honeymoon transition

into reality?

or the end of an era?

blocked by intense milestones

you have to be patience

against the voice in your head

[eventuallyme]

today was nice

i can’t put it to words

i think i felt very safe

sometimes i get caught up

on silly details

and you’re there with me

to say

it’s okay

and how much you love me

and how much i love you

and how much we mean

and appreciate

each other

i’m glad to have you with me

and here’s to many more

[eventuallyme]

it’s hard to believe

how much i mean to you

i’ve been blinded

is it really true

why do i struggle to see it?

it’s a reminder

you are loved

have hope out there

and trust

that you are cared for

and don’t let it go

love you as always

[eventuallyme]

thank you

for believing in us

when i was sinking

i thought

things couldn’t be the same

i couldn’t be myself

and felt uncertain about the future

and even though it was

almost like a barrage

120%

i am grateful

that you understood me

and encouraged me

standing by my side

“i choose you

i don’t want to give up on us

i love you more than you can imagine

you are 100% my type, ideal one for me

i don’t know how to express it

i want to help do things for you too

and now that i know

how much it means to you

we can be better

and do better

and do our best”

thank you

and sorry for being 80%

[eventuallyme]

i feel like

things aren’t the same

i’m mourning the loss of

us

not to say

it’s forever gone

but rather

we’re trying

to pave a new way

and seeing where that path takes us.

i think i feel

confused

alone

guilty

and hurt.

i think i’m going through a lot

i think

i don’t know

or understand how i feel

letting people in truly

is hard

and i feel like

am i being ungreatful

or do i deserve better?

are we compatible?

i can’t help but feel

like i’m too much for you

to share this vulnerability

it almost feels like

“why do you feel this way?

i have too much on my plate

i want someone who i can rely on”

but so do i

and i just can’t help

but feel like nuisance

after our truest thoughts

on our heartbreak anniversary

[eventuallyme]

Take it easy,

stop and think before acting

really try to understand each other

do not say i feel xyz when YOU …

understand and acknowledge first: feel heard

be prepared to acknowledge different values, contexts, expectations

and sometimes it may very well be agree to disagree

Let’s do our best

[eventuallyme]

a realisation:

future misalignment

once again, our fatal flaw questions

where do we stand?

dreams of together forever

have withered away

do I see you with me

happily forever?

i feel like i did

but slowly reality caught up

and i don’t think

what we want in a relationship

our values

our morals

our communication

our lifestyle

our interests

our goals

our maturity

misaligned.

i think we’ve made great memories

but along the way

you stopped dreaming

undisturbed

without the conveniences

of a passerby

i don’t think i can

fill in the shoes

of what makes you happy

knowing that

you would be happiest fully

with someone that i can’t be

it’s weird that i have to question

our compatibility; settling but not satisfying

an anniversary gone haywire