everything-is-easy

[everything-is-easy]

Just a usual day

I’m glad here’s, on my work, is such a good atmosphere in the office. Between us. Though I was pretty aggressive and dissocial, though maybe nobody noticed because it wasn’t active and I didn’t talk to each other and wasn’t aggressive on purpose. I know it’s kinda not a place for whining. American family romantic comedy movies touches me. The way they relate to each other. I heard your english is perfect yesterday. This is so sweet. I supposed it’s already pretty good. Much better then before. I even can watch videos, like, without problems. But I can’t understand movies so well. But, I suppose, this is all about the way they speak. I will learn this too, it’s okay. We definitely should meet - means, I definitely should find some money. I’m searching for a delivery boy job. Though my bike is a bit out of servise - I need to clean up the carb and check spark plugs. But I am kinda going to do it all by myself. And it’s dangerous. 😅 The bad news is I couldn’t go jogging today. Just had no power. All I wanted, is to lie in my bed, covered fully with my blanket. Don’t be afraid. I just can’t find the right way to feel good. What is the secret. Friends who love you? Nice plans? Self-belief? Faith? Feeling of awareness that you belong to something great, enormous? These are the options I have. I counted, that if I will work as a delivery boy, two night shifts a week for a month, I can earn like, $150-200 at least. Of course I’d like to get more, but we’ll see. Even this would be great because I want, I need, this vacation. With paying for myself (well, at least for myself; I would like to pay for him as well but I definitely couldn’t now). At least, I wasn’t fired today. That’s great. 🕵 I kinda feel better now. And I can say the main thing which made it is communication with guys here. Everybody are so kind. And this is really nice. We are just like this here. And me too. It’s just sometimes I got angry and can’t handle it to be nice at the moment.

K. in angry on me. He didn’t want to accept my hugs. I wouldn’t like to see him like this. But... I still can learn. Because basically he’s right. And I was so angry and nervous and full of hatred. Just because he didn’t agree with me about my possible trip. It shouldn’t be like this. People are not guilty I haven’t something. And also this is terrible to be so dependent of things like that. And yeah, K. is mostly right. Mostly, not absolutely, this time. I shouldn’t be motivated just by some desire to meet some boy to feel better. I should feel better without anyone around. This is about to be complete.

I feel nice now. Like, if there’s some problem, I can solve it. And I’m glad K. critisized my decicion so much, expecially to borrow money. It was a good kick on the ass. Because I just wasn’t motivated enough to get the money myself! Because - why? - I can borrow and get ‘em after. But it’s fucked up idea. Because I can come back and be depressed or something. Who knows. If I go there, I should go as a complete personality. With my own ability to travel. With my own desires, money, attitude (though I’m still not sure what exactly does this word mean).

[everything-is-easy]

Be above it all.

Positive interpretation is required. 🕵

Special thanks to K., you are really made my day today. I need some great things as the simulation theory to feel that I’m above it all. Yeah, I know. This is just a hypothesis. No any garantee I will be awake in some another, real, world when I die. But, you know. This is not the point. The point is to play.

To be an explorer. A scientist. A warrior. Just a cool man. This is the purpose. This is the point.

To win this game means to die with a smile on your face.

I don’t need any special features to feel complete. I am complete.

While we were (well, he much mostly) talking I thought up something.

Success is about consentration. The more you power you contribute, the more you get. And the thing is, it’s growing exponentially!

I felt it once. When I could do nothing else but playing ukulele. So when I feel some energy, was motivated to create something, I took my ukulele and started practicing. On the third day I felt like I feel it better. Me and ukulele were more like one whole thing.

But now I’m wondering. Will it be so productive, to concentrate for just a one day? But at least we try. A several days, maybe just one - it will be enough to understand how I can upgrade this method.

So. I’m going to chose one topic for a whole day. And study, read, do, research - anything connected with it. We’ll se how it goes.

This is an amazing property of life! When I feel like it, like I’m above, I’m strong and capable to do anything that I need, I’m not afraid! Life gives you quests or something.

The point is. Life gives you.

I’ve had this feeling a lot of times already, of course. But I need just to master the art of not fucking it out. 🤔

(experimantal)

Goals for today:

✅️ take back my e-scooter

✅️ take away my parcel from a post office

✅️ write a report on past days in a black matte notebook

[everything-is-easy]

Day 3/3 : Interference

It's my first in the whole life experiment: 3 DAYS WITHOUT A LAPTOP IN MY FREE TIME.

But it's not enough. Because I need to do definite things. I shouldn't turn on some series on my phone, for example. And live just the same, but without the bigger screen. I should change my life, guys. I used to say, "GOSH, I LOVE, I ADORE EXPERIMENTS!" but never did a normal one. Never. All mt life is about never. Tommorow, next week, month, year... Everything is fading away constantly though slowly. And that's nice I have my bike now. Everyday is not the day. This is wrong.

* *

This is what I wrote before I spent 3 days without my laptop. My conclusion will be as follows (It is arranged in order of frequency). Yeah, chatting should be the first one. It takes away fucking freaky amount of time. My life is overflowed with it. And my life as well. Most of time I was spending like listening to music and lying on my bed. But also dancing. Actully, it was the most pleasant thing, to discover this stuff - I love dancing. It’s very indpiring for me. And when I’m listening to music in my earset, I just want to make moves. Also, I was watching dancing tutorial as well. Not this much and I almost didn’t try anything. I couldn’t read and there’s why. When I got home, I was chatting with someone or waiting for it. If not, I was lying on bed with music. Which is pretty lame, isn’t it?

So the main conclusion is: I have to dicrease chatting in my life if I want to achieve at least something in this life. Especially if it’s something great. Without laptop I’ll be able to read or dance, as I’d like too, right? This is just a bit hard. I will feel a lot of loneliness at first time, I know. It will be pretty rough. But I guess it’s fucking worth it.

Almost the month is gone from the moment I started this blog. A bit more than a halfyear is gone! And what have I done? Read 3 books. Managed stuff with the bike and now I can drive (it’s wonderful). I started (I guess just formally) to create myself as a another area professional (social development, kinda, I would say). I’m still poor, lazy and fat (okay, not fat, but I’m still didn’t get the body I want). I’m smoking and, though it’s an e-cigarette, I have headaches thanks to that but I can’t stop. So, this is a lack of self-control again. I never wanted to live my life like that. I used to dream that I’m... someone. Someone great in some sense! I have no any idea how much work it requires, how much I need to learn, how it’s had to fight with yourself! How to make a deal with this weak lame person I raised inside of me? Who freaking love to eat, play and watch series - basic product of nowadays mass culture. I would call her (though usually I call myself as him for reasons) basic girl. I am what my deeds are. And what about them? Here’s not much. Pretty lame shallow basic girl.

I want to change it.

So my plan is. At least. To limit chatting. Like, 10 minutes in hour. Sixth part. Guess it’s not so little. I’ll think about it.

[everything-is-easy]

Seek to change the world. Part I: starting with myself

expectationsEverything is easy, gentlemen.

Long time I didn’t feel this feeling. A decire to write. To explain myself with a couple of notes. Maybe I disappointed myself by myself somehow. Writing too long and shallow things. Sharing only stupid feelings.

I keep noticing how it is hard to talk to people. I mean, how to speak well and consistently, and after - how to make people genuanely listening to you. Well, as for me, I’d like to catch their attention for a while. Because now I can be interrupted easily. And I work on it.

The point of this writing is telling my thoughts. To reason about important things. I want it to be better! But I guess it will be only when I’ll concentrate on different things.

Thoughts should be more concrete. Laconic. Deep in its core. I’m worried that I can’t really keep a thought in my mind without spelling it. Maybe if I could fix it. It would change me a lot. The progress I could get then would be just fucking enormous! And I’m going to train myself.

To keep one line of the point and go deeper. And deeper.

But at first it’s better to figure out. What would be the subject of my reasoning. And okay!

Today’s subject is DEPENDENCE.

My dependences are: 1. e-cigarette; 2. food; 3. playing stupid games; 4. Matt as the most dope and available person in my life for the moment; 5. sleep; 6. comfortable series.

Nothing to be proud of. Oh! I exclude the last one already! YEY! Because I’m watching almost only new and intersting videos. For instance, I watched Alien (1979) yesterday. Omg, I need to learn how to tell.

Suck a long time I didn’t feel up like this, indeed!

Today I was thinking that in theory I can get joy of anything. For example, if it happens I’m depressed, I can enjoy just sitting and watching people, sky, breathing air, music - Simple Stuff. And now my goal is to figure out: how to activate Simple Stuff affection?

I tend to think it’s all about somehow high expectations. Proof: headache or romantical suffering makes you want simple things, like, to make the pain go away. And when your head is finally free from ache. And when you see the person you like and he’s finally with you, nice, kind and loving, you feel Simple Happiness. Because comparing to nothing this is so much. So we’ve came to this conception: NOTHING - SO MUCH.

I’m happy to write this note. Because I just went deeper. Okay, that’s not some genius stuff, but come on: No Expectations!

In my newborn theory. It should turns out that I expect from myself, my days, my abilities, my life too much. I already know that I expect people to be perfect. Or, at least, I used to do so. And now I provide sort of the opposite point: it was like I wanted a person to be an image, and now - the opposite side - I want to see and accept person as he is.

I guess, if someone will really read it, and he’ll like it, would mean he accept me as I am (we’re not talking about women there because they’re too different, and I have a lot from them unfortunately, but trying to get rid of cunning witch within). But I don’t expect it’ll happen and that’s why I can feel free. And this is a lovely feeling.

I love this blog already. I needed to write for real.