everythinghurtssoverymuch

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

To Snow, Lucy Gray is forever the same 16-year-old girl who ~betrayed~ him, and she haunts him accordingly. But Lenore Dove ages and grows gray alongside Haymitch, like she’s walking next to him through the years instead of lying in her grave. If you even care.

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

i can feel the potential of it getting bad again. i don't have the energy for anything. i haven't slept in my bed this week and instead have just been camping out on the couch. i don't have any real food, just sweets. i just want to break things and scream into the void. i don't even want to do the things i enjoy. i just want to sleep. i want to run away. i really don't want it to get bad again. i just want to be better already.

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

I HATE IT HERE

I HATE IT HERE

I HATE IT HERE

I HATE IT HERE

I HATE IT HERE

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

the feeling of being left behind and forgotten is eating at me again.

we haven't gone this long without talking in YEARS.

i miss you. you're my best friend. my family.

but he's new and shiny so i'm a background character now.

it's fine. it only hurts a lot.

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

I love talking with neurotypical people about my executive dysfunction because I'm like "yeah there's this invisible wall in my head that I'm incapable of getting past no matter what I do and it stops me from doing things" and they're like what the actual fuck

Meanwhile other neurodivergents are like

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

had some journal time today and reazlied that one thing has really been really sticking out lately in my mind.

i'm not sure what all has happened to me that i'm so afraid of wanting anything. more specifically, why am i so afraid of reassurance ? why am i so afraid that someone might see me and decide that i deserve the be loved ? that i deserved to be held ? that i deserve to be taken care of ?

what has made me so afraid ?

how am i supposed to stop being afraid ?

how do i teach myself that i derseve ?

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

no bc why do so many people get offended when i say "please don't hug me it makes me uncomfortable" ??? sorry i have boundaries that you don't like ???

You should be able to say “don’t touch me” to anyone ever in any context and not have it be considered in the realm of surprising or insulting imho if we ever needed to normalize something it’s this

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

does anyone else ever feel like a ghost haunting their own life

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

it hurts so much to realize that you're not your favorite person's favorite person anymore.

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

i'm so sick of being left behind.

i'm so sick of being forgotten.

deep down i don't think i deserve this.

but even deeper down it feels like it was always going to happen.

like i'm destined to be left behind by everyone i love.

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

you will always be my person even though i am clearly not your person anymore...

i miss you so much it's not even fucking funny man

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

shared my opinion and now i'm being avoided

what's the fucking point ?

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

i actually can't stand this anymore

i don't want to fucking do this anymore

i just feel so fucking worthless

i feel like no one wants me around

i feel like this feeling just won't go away

i feel like everything is fucking pointless

i just want to lay in bed and never get up again

i feel like maybe that would be for the better

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

what if i never spoke to anyone ever again ? who's going to stop me from disappearing from everyone around me and never keeping in contact with anyone in my life ? what if i finally just disappear from the people in my life and never speak to another person again ?

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

i'm so sick of feeling like no one wants me around anymore

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

i know in actuality that it's not true but like i feel like my best friend doesn't care to include me in her life anymore. like she got a boyfriend and spends all her time with him or talking to him or talking to me about him and like i am genuinely happy for her that she found someone but i also feel so abandoned. like we spent so many years being one of the only people the other one had and now she has someone else and i just feel like i'm being left behind. i miss my friend. i miss having someone to talk to all the time. i miss hanging out with her. we had talked about hanging out sometime this week but instead she's spending all her time with her boyfriend and hanging out with his friends and hanging out at his house. like i know she's not actively trying to leave me behind but i just miss her. i always felt like a priority to her. like a first choice. like she wanted me around. and i don't feel that way anymore. i feel like a second thought. sometimes i don't even feel like an option to her anymore.

[everythinghurtssoverymuch]

currently sobbing over the lyrics:

i have a feeling you got EVERYTHING you wanted

and you're not wasting time STUCK HERE LIKE ME

you're just thinking it's a SMALL THING that happened

the WORLD ENDED when it happened TO ME

BC LIKE I AM SO STUCK HERE. EVERYONE ELSE HAS MOVED ON. I AM STUCK AS THIS PERSON WHO IS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING. THIS PERSON THAT IS SURROUNDED BY WALLS THAT ARE SO BUILT UP THEY'RE BASICALLY IMPENETRABLE. ALL THESE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME WERE SEEN AS SMALL AND LIKE THEY DIDN'T REALLY AFFECT ME. BUT THEY TORE ME APART. I WAS DESTROYED. AND YET NO ONE CARED. THEY ALL MOVED ON. THEY ALL LEFT ME HERE. I AM STUCK HERE. I AM STUCK HERE ALONE AND IN PAIN.