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𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲

𝐓𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐨𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

after one too many weeks of Tess refusing to give into her feelings for you, you decide to stop flirting with her and turn to a less noble strategy: dating someone else to make her jealous. you know playing with Tess like that is risky, considering her temper, but you simply can´t help yourself. so, eventually, things are bound to take a turn.

warnings: minors dni! strap use (bottom!reader), light edging, light overstim, oral (reader receiving), slight infidelity

author´s note: this is my take on Tess’s meaner side but the vibe shifts a lot halfway through! definitely more smut in this than my others for her, I truly just wrote this for fun, so no discussion of any personal issues this time, just two desperate fools <3 also as always: I’m not aiming to be super faithful to the source material. hope u enjoy!

wordcount: 8.5k

the way you´d come to work with Tess was a rather funny story looking back. 

for the longest time both her and Joel refused to trust anyone but each other, they were stubborn about it, but as they got older they had to admit to themselves that it really wouldn't hurt to have a few allies, especially when it came to physically demanding work, since they weren´t 25 anymore. they slowly figured out who they should recruit, mostly looking for younger people who were either very fit, very clever or ideally both, so after a while they managed to assemble a group of around 6 people whom they knew they could always rely on. as someone who had grown up in the QZ you knew about the smuggling business, even had friends who were involved in it, but you never seriously considered it for yourself until the day you and Tess met for the first time.

Tess had always been vaguely aware of you, the way she was vaguely aware of anyone living near them, and one day she happened to stand right out of earshot when a few FEDRA guys cornered and questioned you about why they´d seen you loitering around suspicious areas multiple times, who you were working for, what you were hiding. without missing a beat you started lying through your teeth, making up some utter bullshit, Tess knew enough about you to know you were bluffing, but you did it so convincingly and with such charm that they let you go after five minutes. it was pretty impressive to Tess as she listened to it all, pretending to mind her business, the way you weren´t overdoing it but playing into their need for authority so well that she swore she could see one of them blushing as they walked off. this one. we need her. she thought. it would be priceless to have someone who wouldn´t crack under pressure, who could talk their way out of risky situations, who could, for a lack of a better term, manipulate people. the second they were gone she approached you, leading with a compliment, so at first you thought she might be flirting and got all excited, considering how rare it was to talk to encounter someone who was so your type, but when you realized that she was offering you work, the giddiness died down a little. still, it intrigued you enough to agree, because what else was there to do with your life really.

the process of getting integrated into their group was easier than you expected, a few weeks into proving yourself as reliable it became clear as day that you were their best negotiator, their secret weapon when it came to talking your way out of trouble, or talking your way into acquiring information they otherwise wouldn´t have gotten; your charisma was lethal, your way with words was impressive and hardly anyone was immune to it, so a good amount of times Tess and Joel had taken you along with them to help when beating information out of someone hadn´t worked, when smarter tactics were needed. 

the one thing that was hard about the job had nothing to do with what you were actually doing; the violence, the bloodshed, the lack of guilt and shame you needed to have, none of it bothered you, none of it shook you, but one thing messed with you from the start: your insane pull towards Tess. perhaps part of the reason you´d even said yes to her offer in the first place was to get closer to her, to be around her, perhaps it would´ve taken more convincing for someone else, but when she talked to you that day and her deep smooth voice made your face feel hot for a second, you knew before she´d finished her proposal that you´d say yes. 

the first few weeks you tried to gauge the vibe, wondering if there might be a chance she found you attractive too, but you quickly came to realize just how ice-cold her facade was. nobody ever had a good read on her true feelings, except maybe Joel and even he seemed at a loss at times, there was no way of knowing for sure whether you had a chance, so you decided to start dropping hints: lingering around her even when you could´ve stood further away, looking at her more intensely when you listened to her talk, moving your body differently when she was near, showing off certain assets, “coincidently” playing with your hair or licking your lips when you could feel her eyes on you, touching her arm for emphasis when you were telling her story. at first, you thought she was actually uninterested, but after a while you´d caught her looking one too many times to believe that you were reading into things, Tess was subtle but not subtle enough. something told you that she was bluffing, that she was denying her attraction for some reason, you could practically see her restraining herself whenever you flirted with her and it only made you want her more, to know that she did feel something but was hiding it from you. 

what you didn´t know was that it had only taken a few days of knowing you for Tess to feel panicked by her sudden attraction to you. at first it was easy for her to ignore it, but once you started pursuing her she felt herself getting nervous, which made her try to shut down whatever it was that you made her feel because she knew how fucked she´d be if she let some girl she´d have to see on the regular get under her skin like that. Tess grew stubborn, she had too much pride to let you feel like you had the power to get her to give into her urges, so instead of taking your flirting as an invitation to just go for it and have fun, she tried her hardest to let you believe you had no effect on her, unwilling to be the weaker one in a dynamic. someone else would have just delighted in being so aggressively hit on by someone they were so into but she was different, she couldn´t just go with the flow and be normal about desire, and she´d come to regret this, hard. after a few months of unsuccessfully trying to get her to give in, you changed strategies. you had a feeling that jealousy might be a weak spot for her, so you were going to test that theory and do it well. 

there was a girl in your group who obviously had a thing for you, you´d never considered it because she wasn´t really your type, but she was still pretty and good company so one day you thought fuck it, let´s see how good her poker face holds up once she sees someone else claming me right in front of her eyes. 

so, one day you and the others, including Tess, were sitting around planning something and the girl you´d started seeing rested her hand on your thigh, caressed you a little as she listened to Joel and a few others talk, and you caught the brief second of shock on Tess face as she saw it, quickly followed by a flicker of something like rage, I knew it, you thought. the good thing was that the girl was very heavy on physical affection, so she kept touching you and nobody gave much of a fuck but Tess was dying on the inside. you were absolutely shameless about it because while the girl kept showering you in affection you kept giving Tess stares, the kind that made it obvious you were messing with her, challenging her, and she couldn´t believe it, your audacity, but then again, wasn´t that what she´d recruited you for, your effect on people? she hadn´t considered that she might find herself on the receiving end of it. 

the following week you kept doing it every time you were all in a room together, and it was driving Tess increasingly insane, seeing a girl holding your hand, kissing your cheek, rubbing your back absentmindedly, while you kept staring at her, getting a twisted kind of pleasure out of watching her struggle more and more with denying her needs. she´d rarely felt rage like that, so hot and visceral she caught herself being unnecessarily aggressive with other people who just thought jesus, what´s up with her these days. she felt a sense of possessiveness over you that was of course unwarranted, since she´d rejected your advances and of course she knew that you were probably dating people, but actually being confronted with it was a whole different thing, seeing you being touched by someone like that was forcing her to admit that she wanted to be in the girl´s place, and even worse, could have already been if she had just given into your pursuit.

one night as you were all leaving after a brief meet up to plan a mission for the following day, Tess was leaning against the wall of the building smoking as you said goodbye to the girl, really playing it up because she was near, kissing her longer than you usually would, pulling her in tighter, before she walked down the street in the opposite direction of where you had to go home. 

Tess thought okay, if you wanna fuck around with me, two can play that game. as you were about to pass by her she grinned in a way that made it look like she was laughing to herself about you, so you stopped, staring at her, “can I help you?”, not masking your annoyance well. she kept that cocky expression on her face as she flicked her cigarette away and crossed her arms, eyeing you, you hated how hot it looked, her leaning back like that, her hair falling down her shoulders, her eyes piercing even though it was dark, “oh nothing..” she said, which of course only made you press the issue, “no, go on, what´s so funny, enlighten me”, she spoke in a lower tone then, “well. you might wanna dump that girlfriend of yours”, she wasn´t your girlfriend but you didn´t correct her, couldn´t hurt to let her believe it, “huh??”, you were confused, genuinely.

the moment she saw your puzzled expression her body changed the way it usually did before throwing a really good punch or hitting a target perfectly, she knew she´d get you good with what she was about to say, she had you right where she wanted you, “well. she´s clearly not giving it to you right. otherwise you wouldn´t be staring at me all day”. 

your face froze up, your whole being for that matter, it took a good few seconds for words to return to you, you were in utter disbelief. “I´m sorry, what the fuck did you just say to me?”, she loved it, finally seeing you crumble for once, having the upper hand, “you heard me.” she said, very satisfied with herself, still staring you down, unyielding, her stance solid and unmoving, her strong arms pronounced by the shirt she was wearing, you tried your hardest not to look, not there, not at her neck or her lips, there was hardly a part of her that was safe to look at, so you grew angry, “yeah I really wish I hadn´t, Theresa.” drawing the last word out. 

a low blow from you, everyone knew she despised her full name. seeing her flinch a little at its sound was a momentary win, a hint of power in your hands, “careful. and I didn´t hear you denying it yet”, you shifted your stance to look more secure then, regaining your wits a little, “yeah I don´t owe you a justification of my fucking sex life as far as I´m aware. also you´re being pretty inappropriate”, that got her pissed too then, “oh that´s rich coming from you, I´m not the one who keeps eye fucking their superior”, you scoffed then, “superior? really?”, “yes. really.”, technically you knew she was right, it was only fair that those with decades of experience called the shots, still, you knew she used the word in that moment to assert a different kind of dominance, one that had little to do with your work. again, you´d failed to deny her accusation but you were eager to just get the fuck out of there with your dignity somewhat in tact still, you knew she was clever and hadn´t said anything that was too far off from the truth, “what do you want from me Tess? what business of yours is it what I do or who I date?”, a last attempt to push back, tired and riled up by all your unresolved feelings for her, the anger over having been ignored by her for so long and only now getting her attention by playing some mind game that got her to be mean to you, also anger over being turned on by it.

“well if you keep pulling me into your dissatisfaction with her it is kind of.. “my business””, her fingers making air quotes for the last part of the sentence, mocking you in a way, and her calm air as she said it was only pissing you off more, she was enjoying it, having a point, sensing that she was getting to you, “you sound insane you know that right? maybe take a downer or something” you hissed and she was getting fed up, her smile dropped,“okay here´s the deal sweetie. you quit your obnoxious starring act and we´re good. otherwise I won´t play nice anymore” you looked at her, questioning, “this is you playing “nice”?..”, she nodded, “is that a threat I´m hearing?” you inquired, “no. just a very clear instruction of what you should do. so, now go home and try to dream about your girlfriend instead of me” she waved for you to move past her, that fucking grin on her face again, you went to leave, uttering “bitch..” as you were a few feet away from her, but still close enough for her to hear, “say that to my face next time and see what happens”, loud and clear enough for you to hear, somehow not inspiring fear in you, but intrigue, which didn´t help with calming down at all. 

you´d been so wrapped up in trying to defend yourself against her sudden attack that it only dawned on you after that that way of talking to you had also been an admission on her part. you knew her, you knew she wouldn´t have bothered to mess with someone like that if she truly didn´t care about them. it only solidified your belief that there was something there, something thrilling, the air between two people isn´t that charged for no reason. nobody had ever had that physical of an effect on you and you were starved for passion, you were starved for so many things, and she made you sick with a hunger that would only loosen its grip on your insides once you´d get a taste of her. usually people saw you as sweet, as easy to get along with, but she forced something out of you that was darker, and for some reason, despite the rage, you liked it and had a sneaking suspicion she did too. you could have taken her warning as a sign to finally back off and give up, you could have stopped your games and let it go, but of course, you couldn´t. something told you that you were very close to getting what you wanted, if you were willing to take the risk of finally pushing her towards a breaking point. needless to say: you were. 

your work as smugglers, or whatever the hell your own job title was, was often divided within the group, Tess and Joel mostly took care of bigger plans that required multiple days of serious mapping out and careful consideration, often with a few other brainy types to figure out the details, you and a few younger people often did smaller dirty work that required you to be quick on your feet, finding people who´d screwed you over on deals, intimidation tactics, smaller drug deals, so meeting up as a group only happened semi regularly, but about a week and a half after your little stand off with Tess you found yourself in a room with almost all of the others again. that day you told yourself: okay. one last try. if she doesn´t bite now, I´m done. 

part of the agenda that day was you teaching some of the other ones a thing or two about run ins with law enforcement because a few of them had come back bruised and battered from a mission and you were the one person who always without a doubt came back unscathed. it was convenient for you to have to do a lot of talking that day, because it was forcing Tess to pay attention to you, to listen to your voice, to watch you be charming with the others who took in your instructions, a glimmer of admiration in their eyes, and Tess fucking hated all of it, that she felt the same way watching you, convinced you were moving certain ways on purpose when you stood with your back turned to her. that alone was fine, she could manage, but by the time it was someone else´s turn to talk, you´d made your way back to where your “girlfriend” was standing only a few feet away from Tess. you thought perfect and went in for a kiss, but this time you kept your eyes open, looking over her shoulder to stare at Tess as you kissed the girl and you knew in that moment you´d done about the most shameless thing you could think of and for a moment Tess looked like she might actually drag you off and beat you up for it, a darkness in her eyes that would´ve scared you if it hadn´t turned on you on as much as it did, you swore you could see her clenching her teeth. 

about fifteen minutes later you were all ready to leave, your date was in a hurry, she had somewhere to be so you said goodbye and watched everyone including her clear out first before you made your way to the door, for a second fully forgetting about Tess because you were lost in thought, but just as you were about to exit the door you almost ran face first into her because she´d been watching you make your way there and swooped in the last second to block your way, her arm functioning as a barrier.“and where the fuck do you think you´re going?”, she said, her voice sharp, angry, emphasis on the “fuck”. 

“what??” you uttered, still recovering from being ripped out of your thoughts that violently, stumbling back a step, “what?” she mocked, imitating your tone, “you have some fucking nerve. wasn´t it enough to be a bitch to you when I told you to back off? do you need me to hurt you to finally get it? is that what you want?”. “maybe” you shot back as you felt the words hitting you right at your core, the threat of violence drawing your eyes to where her fingers were gripping the doorframe, the sudden thought it wouldn´t be the worst thing in the world to be roughed up by those. you realized you´d done the exact right things to get her to break but you were done playing games, you were done acting like you had no idea what she was talking about, you were tired of pretending; it was time to put all your cards on the table, the game was over. 

you stared into her sou as you said, “you´re really fucking predictable, you know that right?” which was not what she expected to hear, her eyes narrowed then, “excuse me?”, you went on, throwing your hands in the air and looking around as if someone was there whom you could turn to and ask “can you believe this woman?”.

“Jesus fucking Christ Tess, for months I threw myself at you and got nothing in return and then the second I try to make you jealous you´re giving me the time of day, talking to me, paying attention. I was so sure that it would be the only way to get to you and well…” you gestured at her face, the intense expression,“clearly I was right.” a touch of cockiness to that last phrase. she nodded, slowly, thinking, “so you used that girl to get to me, is that it? that´s pretty fucked up of you, you know that right?”, she said it as if she was judging you but there was a clear hint of admiration at the core, Tess was impressed by your cold way of going about things, all to be alone with her.

you shrugged, “sure, yes, I know” she shook her head muttering “you really are something else..”, eyeing you up and down, still a little riled up but also thinking about the fact that you had actually done all that not to just fuck with her but to try and get her to give into her pull towards you. to her it had seemed like you just wanted to rub it in her face, that you´d moved onto someone else, but it was dawning on her that you still wanted her, that you had been trying to get with her all along. a moment of charged silence followed, you trying to understand what she was thinking before she shifted her stance, dropped her arms and looked over her shoulder onto the street, “alright. follow me” she ordered, a questioning look on your face, “what are we-”, she shushed you as she started walking and motioned for you to do the same “just shut up and come”. 

as you walked a few feet behind her, down the dark street that still smelled faintly of rain and wet asphalt, you had a brief second of wondering whether she was taking you to her place or just leading you to a back alley to beat you up, and truthfully you wouldn´t have minded either option. Tess didn´t bother to turn around one single time the entire way, counting on the fact that you were behind her, cocky bitch you thought, you could have walked off in another direction without her even noticing at any second but of course you wouldn´t and of course she knew, so after about five minutes she opened the door of a five story building and didn´t bother to hold the door open, trusting you´d rush in fast enough, still not looking at you, “wow thank you” you uttered under your breath as you caught the heavy door mid closing and tried to keep up with her. 

by the time you found yourself in her apartment you were out of breath and leaned against the wall in the hallway while she turned around to face your for the first time since you´d left the place you were at before, the apartment was only lit by the orange streetlights outside but you saw enough, her hair that had gotten effortlessly wavy from the humid air, the way her shirt sleeves were pushed up to her elbows, something about her arms always got you, so forced yourself to look back at her face, but she´d clocked it, your admiration for her physique, so she stepped closer to you, only stopping when she was about an arm´s length away, your already fast heartbeat not slowing down at all, your cheeks burning. 

for a moment neither of you spoke because you were just sizing each other up, feeling out the vibe, waiting if the other was gonna do or say something. the reality of the situation had come to her: after all those weeks of agonizing over you she had you in her space, you were alone, nothing in the way anymore, and the freedom was almost too much to process for a second, eventually Tess spoke up as she slowly shook her head, taking in the painfully beautiful sight of you, the hint of a smile that you couldn´t suppress, “what am I gonna do with you, hm?” she thought out loud, her voice barely above a whisper, you tilted your head, speaking slowly, putting weight into each word, “you can do whatever you want.”, getting her right in her weakest spot, of course you´d figured out that bending to her will was the one thing that would make you irresistible to her, and watching her face change as the words settled was perfect, she looked like she was blacking out.

Tess realized in that moment why you had gotten under her skin as intensely as you had, why you´d taken up her whole mind and made her blood boil so many times, why her usual stoic facade crumbled around you. it was not like she´d never been pursued by other girls, of course she had, and at times she enjoyed the attention, played into it and had some fun, usually they were easily intimidated by her, tripping over their words if she looked at them long enough, blushing cheeks and wide eyes, but never you, from the very start you talked to her with confidence, unshaken by her aura, you never grew nervous when she looked at you, because you enjoyed it too much, holding eye contact as long as she wanted without breaking it, without surrendering. 

the whole thing of someone twirling their hair and blushing over her had its appeal, sure, but the joy Tess got out of it was very superficial and short-lived, it never really affected her on a deep visceral level because it was so predictable each time, it was almost like following a script, and then you came and showed her what it meant to face an equal, to be caught off guard, the unmatched pleasure it could lead to if she could abandon her pride and let herself be truly moved by someone for once. 

Tess had to admit that what she had going on with you was more thrilling than any other connection she´d ever had before, to see you and to know that you were clever enough to figure her out even when she gave you so little to work with, your ability to do and say exactly the right things to get her worked up, to raise her temperature just with a glance, it was so unlike anything she´d ever experienced that the initial shock made her back away from you, made her try to pretend she wasn´t fully in awe of you, but in that moment it was clear to her: I´ve never wanted anyone the way I want this girl. she sees me for who I am and shes´s not scared of what she sees. we´re the same kind of intense. 

Tess was suddenly devoid of any previous resentment, it all came to her in that moment, just how rare of a thing it was that you´d pursued her for months and months without success and had still not given up, not backed down. for the first time she saw that it wasn´t just some viscous game of yours, it was a deep commitment of time and energy to getting what you wanted and it was a strength she admired, that turned her on. those words you´d used whatever you want, had activated something in her, there was no going back anymore, she saw what she needed to do clearly then. 

she moved even closer to you, close enough for your knees to almost touch, reaching out to mess with the collar of your shirt a little as she said “whatever I want hm?”, you nodded, your eyes wide and expectant, your demeanor suddenly completely different, none of the usual toughness was there anymore, it melted away the second you felt her fingers over your clothing and she could tell, finally you were at her mercy. so without warning she grabbed you by the shoulders and flipped you around, pushing you up against the wall, making you brace yourself with your palms flat against the hard surface, hers placed directly next to them, trapping you, her body pressing against yours, not very gently and you barely had time to shut your mouth to conceal the sound that it got out of your throat, to be manhandled like that by her. your breath was heavy by that point, the feeling of her hips pressing into your lower back, feeling her weight like that made you dizzy with want, it was the closest you´d ever been to Tess, the first time you could properly smell inhale her scent, she leaned in close to your ear, her hot breath sending shivers down your spine as she spoke again, “you´ve imagined this many times, haven´t you?”. 

a nod was all you could give her, words weren´t coming, your mind was blank with need, you were all body in that moment “hm, bet you jerked off thinking about me and felt unsatisfied after, wishing I was actually there, wishing I was between your legs” spot on, you´d spent many nights trying to get off to your image of her but never really did, not in a way that satisfied you, another confessional nod from you as a response, she could feel you struggling under her and she loved it, “poor thing” she whispered before removing her hands from the wall and grabbing your tits, wrapping her strong arms around your torso, the grip immediately forceful enough to get a whimper out of you followed by a breathy, “fuck..” you were scared of actually losing your mind if the action while still being fully dressed was already getting you that soaked, you could feel the heat growing between your legs, spreading through your whole body as her fingers squeezed the sensitive skin of your chest, feeling you up aggressively without shame. “let´s get you out of these already” she said as she spun you around again, your face flushed, your lips parted, the first glimpse of what she could do to you and she was hungry for more, much more. 

Tess briefly pushed a few loose strands of hair out of your face before pulling your shirt over your head in one swift motion. you weren´t wearing a bra so you were left topless immediately and the sight left her speechless for a moment, her motions stopped and she just stood there marveling at your body, none of the clothes you usually wore gave much away about what was hiding beneath them, so being confronted with your bare figure seemed like a dream at first, none of her fantasies of you had prepared her for the real thing, “god..” she sighed, her eyes roaming your upper body, the curve of your neck and where it went down to, and her lustful gaze was too much for you, you couldn´t wait longer, so you grabbed her and pulled her in for a kiss, not a pretty one, but one that made it crystal clear just how much pent up tension you were both dying to release; it was sloppy and hard, a kiss that bordered on violence, hands grabbing at each other frantically, almost biting each other with how eager you were, the soft warmth of the other person´s lips driving you both crazy with wanting more, so very quickly you were open mouthed kissing and groaning at the feeling of your tongues meeting, your fingers in her hair while she grabbed your face, the rough fabric of her shirt brushing your bare chest as you tried to get as close as possible to her.

the second you separated to breathe you used the opportunity to move down to her neck, placing a few kisses down the side of her throat before getting carried away and running your tongue over her skin, you were dying to taste her and she was completely taken off guard by it, usually people were passive with her sexually, but in that moment she realized just how much it turned her on to be desired that openly, to be devoured in a way, she let you have your way for a moment, holding onto your back as you left her neck in red splotches where you´d sucked the skin, before she grew too eager and peeled you off, grabbing your hand as she said “come” and pulled you towards her bedroom.

once you were in her room you didn´t register a single detail about it, not the color of the walls, not the furniture, nothing, because you were so lost in the physical sensations that left you vibrating with anticipation for more, you could barely walk straight as she said “take those off for me” pointing to your pants, which you gladly got rid off, leaving you in your underwear as you approached her bed and saw her walking to the other side of the room, which made you realized that wasn´t just gonna use her hands on you and for the first time that night you felt nervous. you could count on one hand the amount of times you´d let someone strap you and the last time had been a while back so you were worried for a second about how you´d handle yourself, someone less perceptive might not have noticed it but the moment Tess walked over to where you were sitting on the bed waiting for her she saw that something in your face had changed, she gave you a look that said, “what is it?”, so you admitted, “it´s just.. it´s been a while since i´ve done it this way”, in that moment it hit her that the image she had of you as this ruthless seductress was only the surface, that below that you were still just a young woman who probably didn´t have that much experience yet, it softened her a little, especially combined with the sight of you all exposed save for your panties, looking all angelic for her, your thighs driving her crazy with the need to just get between them, she nodded, a slight grin as she responded “well, you´re a tough girl. I know you can take it”. and for some reason that was much hotter to you than if she´d have babied or underestimated you.

you were in the middle of her bed, she was by the edge and waved you over “come”, you obeyed, crawling to her, waiting for further instructions, “why don´t you get it nice ´n wet for me hm, that should help”, she said, holding out her hand right under your face, you realized she was asking you to spit in it, so you did, letting salvia drip from between your lips into her open palm, drawing it out a little to make it filthy, and you knew she loved it, seeing you take her orders well, “hmm, good girl” she uttered as she used your spit to lubricate the strap, licking the residue off her hand after, the sight getting your already drenched underwear even wetter. the moment she was done with that her aggressive side returned, she told you to take off the last piece of fabric, which you did, before she climbed over you, watching your face intently as she got settled and teased your cunt for a moment by lightly running her fingers over the wetness that had collected there, a groan from her as she felt the proof of your lust slick against her hand, the moment she touched you there you let out a pretty deseprate moan and she thought oh. this is gonna be fun.

it was clear to her then that you were the needy kind and nothing drove her wilder than a girl who´d lose her composure for her entirely, so without wasting time she guided the tip to your entrance, a wince from you as she slowly pushed herself into you, carefully, her hands moving up to pin yours down next to your head as she saw your face twisting from the sensation of being stretched out, a slight pain that would subside soon,“you´re fine, breathe, deep breaths” she cooed down at you as she pushed herself fully into you “fuck..”, you sighed, wrapping your legs around her waist instinctively, your eyes shut, she was staring down at you, “no, come on look at me” she ordered, wanting to see your expression so you held eye contact as she started slowly moving in and out of you, building up a rhythm, your walls clenching around the silicone, the feeling of your hands being restrained by hers adding to the rapidly increasing heat in you, she quickly started going at it with deep but slow thrusts, the kind that drove you more insane than fast fucking, the intenstiy of it immediately getting more moans out of you, she leaned down as her hips kept meeting yours, whispering, “this is what you wanted all along hm, being taken by me?” you whined in response, your legs tightening around her, “yes- fuck this feels so good” you got out in a shaky tone  as she kept really driving herself into you as deeply you as possible, not necessarily punishing but determined, forcing more and more pathetic sounds out of you.

the sight of your open mouth, your tongue, was too inviting, so she removed one of her hands from yours and pushed her index and middle finger in, which you immediately closed your lips around, sucking on them, the stifled sounds almost more perverse than the previous loud ones, she got more forceful then as she view of your eyes closed in pleasure with your pretty mouth filled by her digits almost drover her insane, and it turned you on too, not just the sensation of being entered in two ways at once, of feeling your walls throbbing as she kept fucking into you with hard strokes, but also because you knew you looked good, you could tell that you were her fantasy come to life from the way her breath sounded as you sucked her fingers, all messed up and clearly matching you in desperation, “god you were made to be fucked, look at you” she breathed, while getting up from where she was hovering over you to get on her knees to push your legs apart, pressing them towards your chest to really fuck you as deeply as possible, bracing herself against one of your legs as she increased her speed then, making you see stars.

“Tess fuck, unhgg-” you begged as her hands gripped your legs and forced you open for her, your head pushed back into the pillow, your back arching up, “you’re doing so well, so pretty like this” she encouraged as she got you to unravel, your hands frantically grabbing the sheets as you tried to somehow remain conscious as you felt your insides twisting up and your climax approaching, which she could sense, but she wasn´t gonna let you cum just yet, so after a few more moments of savoring the sight of you all fucked out on your back, squirming and holding on as she had her way with you, she stopped, pulling out for a moment, an immediate desperate whine from you, “ugh fuck Tess.. I was close-” you sounded like you might actually cry and she might have felt bad if she wasn´t so into it, seeing you like that, an utter mess for her, “I know sweetheart but I´m not just gonna let you lay there, gotta see that perfect body of yours move” she answered, peppering in some genuine praise that did make the shameless edging hurt a little less, she moved to the other end of the bed and gently slapped your thigh to signal to you to get up, “come on, get on top of me pretty girl” she took satisfaction out of seeing you struggle and shake a bit as you got up on all fours and climbed over to her, weak from her impact, placing your knees on either side of her thighs as you tried to lower yourself and she grabbed your hips to guide you, “nice and slow okay”, she instructed, not wanting you to hurt yourself, her grip securing you as you used one hand to guide the strap back into yourself, your soaked cunt practically begging for it, a pornographic moan from you as you sat down on it and felt yourself full again, “good girl” she cooed, watching your face change again, that intoxicating look of yours, so needy and overwhelmed, “just like that” her hands still on your hips, not letting go.

you faced her then, your eyes glazed over with pure need, an endearing sight to her, she locked eyes with you as you slowly rocked your hips back and forth, but she could tell you were holding back a little, so she said, “come on don´t be shy now, fuck yourself for me, as hard as you want”, her hands on your waist then as you stared back into her eyes and braced yourself on her chest as you moved back and forth with more feeling, more force, moaning each time you could feel the tip hitting that sweet spot, trying hard to find an angle of where it would be hit over and over, “that´s it, ” Tess praised as she got high on of the image of you riding her, using her, losing yourself in the feeling of being full of her, “god nobodys ever looked this good taking me, fuckin´divine..” she sighed before she got you to sit more upright on her so she could lean forward and suck on your tits as you rode her, the sight of your chest bouncing up and down from the rhythm of your fucking too enticing to just watch, your hands on her neck then as she ran her tongue over your nipple and sucked on it hard enough to turn your sighing into broken up cries, “fuck - don´t stop” you mumbled as you felt her switching between licking and sucking the soft skin, her teeth digging in at one point, a sharp pain that felt good mixed with the ache between your legs as you kept rocking back and forth, your clit throbbing too by that point from getting the friction.

you could feel yourself getting close as Tess moved her face away from your chest and used her strength to help you finish by holding you in place while thrusting upwards from below you, your whole body consumed by the need to cum by that point, the heat at your core turning into a heat all over, your limbs tingling, your chest rising and falling with labored breaths as you felt her fucking you from under you, “oh jesus fuck-” you cursed as she did this, throwing your head back and bracing yourself on her legs as your cunt got demolished by her, “let go, cum for me” she groaned, the order pushing you over the edge, a final pathetic sounding whine from you as you shuddered and shook for a moment, your walls clenching hard around the silicone which was drenched in your juices by that point, from the sound of it Tess might have actually cum too just from having you move on her like that, her breaths punctured by sighs as her hands rested on your back to push you towards herself, needing you close as you gave her what she wanted: the uninhibited display of your release, it was pure ecstasy to her, your body goddess-like as you slowly rode out your high, all for her to take in, every detail, she was obsessed to her core.

as you stopped moving and tried to catch you breath before attempting to get off of her, she helped, lifting you up a little and hearing a slight gasp as she left you empty, spent, falling onto your back, your arms splayed out, and you thought that was it, you were done, but Tess wasn´t, not yet. 

she got up from the bed, quickly freed herself of the harness and got down on her knees, pulling you towards the edge of the bed in one rough motion, “Tess fuck no I can´t-” you pleaded as you realized what she was doing, but she just smiled as she pushed your still slightly shaky legs apart, hooking one of them over her shoulder to get good access,“sure you can, one more okay? for me” a sweetness in those last two words, persuading you to give into it and you tried to believe her but your body was losing all sense of place and time, all sanity, as you felt her fingers digging into your thighs, her face close to your soaked, aching cunt, your soft sounds of desperation only turned her on more so she wasted no time and licked up the slick that had leaked out of you and coated your inner thighs, savoring it, “god you taste like heaven” she breathed against your skin, biting down for a second, she had a thing for it, leaving marks, not just to mark her territory but because she loved knowing that you wouldn´t be able to shower and look at yourself in the mirror without thinking of what she´d done, so she briefly lost herself in the feeling of your soft skin between her teeth, the immediately visible red and purple indents, your whimpering, before moving up to where she´d fucked you open before, kissing your aroused lips, sucking on them, running her tongue up and down in a slow, heartfelt rhythm, moving her face to add to the friction.

“fuck- I´m- Tess” you were incoherent as your fingers found their way into her hair, pulling a little as she focused the tip of her tongue on your clit, swirling over it in circles, more crying and begging from you each second, a few tears forming in your eyes from the overwhelming pulsing and twisting at your core, your legs pressing together on the sides of her face, but she didn´t yield, forcing them apart again, flicking her tongue against your overstimulated most sensitive spot and finally just sucking on it, hard, determined, “you´re killing me” you groaned, your hips bucking upwards as a reaction and her fingers probably leaving bruises from how hard she was gripping you, and since you were still so sensitive from before it took little time for you to cum against her face, cursing under your breath as her chin was left glistening from you juices, just how she wanted it. the moment the second climax crashed over you in waves your body was drained of all energy, your limbs went totally slack, your lower half felt like it was burning up, and your breathing was so messed up you didn´t even try conceal it, laying thre exhausted but buzzing with endorphins, the good kind of tired. 

Tess got up from the floor to sit down next to where you were laying, a satisfied grin on her face as she traced your outline with her fingertips, admiring her impact, the light bite marks on your chest, the shine of sweat on your face, it was pure bliss to her, seeing you like that.

“god I really shouldn´t have made you wait this long..” she said, truly at a loss over how stupid she´d been to deny herself the pleasure of being with you, you gave a tired laugh then, turning to look her in the eyes, “yeah no shit”, she smiled, “guess I have a lot to make up for hm?”, you nodded, “well, this was a good start”, reaching for the strand of her hair that framed her face, twirling it around your finger as you slowly regained your composure.

“but just so we´re clear, you´re not getting any favoritsm out of this” she teased, you returned the energy, “well fuck, I clearly just did all this to lower my work load.”, you propped yourself up on your elbows then, looking at her more clearly, her cheeks still flushed, an unusual ease to her expression, you took some pride in being the one to get her to look like that, just eyeing her for a second and for once she loved it, being stared down by you, being fucked with by your intense gaze. “you know, the first time we met I actually thought you were flirting with me for a few minutes. could´ve saved us a lot of time if you had been” you told her, which made her laugh,“really?? and you would´ve just gone with me if I had been? that easy?” you shrugged, “hey, I am not the one who played hard to get here” you had a point, she nodded, amused by the idea of you wanting her from the very start.

you crawled over to her then, wrapping your arms around her neck as she ran her hands up and down the warm skin of your back, both of you just looking at each other all blissed out and relieved, “I didn´t expect you to be so..” you started saying, she cocked her head, “so what?”, “you know, generous..” she smiled then, placing one of her hands on your cheek, “right, you thought I´d just be mean and use you and take out my frustrations, huh?”, you nodded, “maybe, kinda yeah.”, “well, not my thing. I mean I´ll do whatever you want me to, if you want it rough just ask, but I am simple, I just want my girl to feel good”, you squinted your eyes at her, “your girl? is that what I am?”, charmed by that way of putting it, “well you´re sure as hell not anybody else´s anymore”, she said, meaning it, her possessiveness jumping out, “yeah I don´t think I could show up with bite marks at someone else´s place, so..”, “that was the plan” she whispered before leaning in to kiss your neck, getting a soft sigh out of you before moving to your lips, a gentler kiss than the one before.

“you can stay over if you want by the way. it´s so late I won´t make you go home now” she said as you made her lay back so you could lay on top of her, smiling down at her as you asked, “really?”, she didn’t see what was so crazy about her offer, “yes really”, “hm. didn´t figure you for the “falling asleep in each others arms” type”, she feigned offense, “okay rude.. I can be romantic, I do have a heart you know”, you grinned, laying your head on her chest, “I know. also, staying the night is good because then I can return the favor”, a mischievousness to your tone, “oh that´s what you think is gonna happen?”, she asked, “well, I think you´d like seeing me on my knees, wouldn´t you?” , again, you´d said the right thing to her weak, “jesus. you´re still messing with me, aren´t you?” she couldn´t believe how good you were at hitting her where it would get her to fold, but she loved it, “maybe” you whispered, eyes closed and smiling as she caressed your still naked body to keep you warm. 

now that you´d gotten the initial push and pull out of the way, you couldn´t wait to see what it would mean to actually be with her, how you´d spend an evening together, how she’d act as a lover, if you´d sneak around or let people know, all the things that were to come now that your feelings were out in the open. you liked the idea of nobody knowing about you and stealing glances when you were in a room together. maybe that would be your next thing: teasing her in public until she gives in and drags you away. maybe you weren´t fully done with it yet, getting under her skin, and maybe she was secretly hoping that was th case.

for the first time in ages, both of you had the feeling of finally having someone who challenges you, who surprises and thrills you. boredom or a desire for more heat and passion was not going to be an issue anymore, not as long as you had each other.

[everythingmp3]

𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞

𝐓𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐨𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

after having given into the pull you feel towards each other, both you and Tess are left to deal with all the intense emotions of possibly falling in love: the thrill, the joy, the courage it takes to fully open your hearts up. you spend a few days growing even closer, figuring out how to let go of all fear and embrace the bliss of having each other.

author’s note: (part 2 of this fic!). I’d definitely go read at least the description of part one before reading this one!originally I wasn’t gonna make it multiple parts but some really sweet feedback made me go back and this is basically an exploration of the early stage of falling in love, it delves much deeper into both of their feelings but there’s also some humor and lightness in there, Joel has a few appearances, it’s pretty long so there’s a lot in there. also again I never played the game, this is about Anna’s Tess! enjoy <3

warnings: minors dni. smut (reader receiving, oral), some discussions of heavier personal issues but nothing dark

wordcount: 13.7k

the next morning Tess woke up the same exact way she´d woken up all the mornings before in Jackson: right around 7:30, the sun casting the same shadows onto her floor, laying on the same side of the bed, but she felt completely different. usually she felt nothing that early in the day, but that morning as she came to her senses, the images of what had happened the night before, of you, immediately flooded her mind and left her in a state of blissful half-consciousness, a daydream that made her stay in bed a little longer. 

at the same time Tess also felt a quiet sense of dread, knowing that she would have to be subtle about her feelings for you whenever others were around, and she was self aware enough to know that she was anything but subtle; once she let herself grow attached to someone, it went from indifference to obsession in no time, she was not one for “taking it slow”, she´d never been, but thankfully she had a feeling you weren´t either.

still, it had been a while since anyone had gotten through to her the way you had, since she´d let anyone close at all, so all of a sudden she remembered just how intense she was when she truly cared. part of it was a deep need to protect you, to make sure you felt safe because of her presence, even when she was not in the room with you, her standards for what she should be for those she loved were high, even more so with you than with anyone before and Tess realized very quickly how incapable she was of being casual about what happened, how unthinkable it was to just see where it would go without already feeling devoted to you. 

when she thought back to how you had looked at her the night before, how you´d put your heart in her hands, trusting she´d know what to do with it, it almost made her lose her mind with the desire to go out there and find you and have you in her arms again, to feel your body relax into hers again, to give you the relief you so clearly needed and for some miraculous reason found in her presence. but of course it wasn´t all that noble, deep down there was also a simple visceral aspect to it, the vision of your body under hers was burned into her mind and no amount of self control could conceal the truth: that she wanted to get her hands on you again, desperately.

sitting at the edge of her bed that morning, it all came crashing over her, so after about ten minutes of staring into space she told herself to get a grip, got up, and splashed some cold water on her face before joining Joel for breakfast downstairs. 

as she walked into the kitchen she could see Joel pouring two cups of coffee and she was glad he had his back turned, so she could brace herself for a second before talking. Tess sat down at the table and Joel wordlessly put the cup down before taking his place opposite her, leaning back and taking a sip as he regarded her with a knowing grin, “so... sleep well? any sweet dreams?” his voice lowered for emphasis on those last two words, she shot him a slightly stern look, “absolutely none I´d share with you” he knew she was one for overthinking so he was trying to get her to relax a little, make the mood lighthearted, “right, fair enough. but you do look.. I don´t know you usually look more tired at this hour, you have a certain glow”, she took a sip and watched him gesture at her, her eyes narrowed, “a glow? are you trying to be a poet, Miller?”, he kept looking at her, amused, “no I just mean-”, she finished his thought, “you mean the “this person finally got laid” glow? that one?”, not expecting that he laughed, “hey you said it not me” throwing his hands up theatrically. 

she shook her head, finally cracking a smile too, “yeah I really don´t know what the fuck is happening to me Joel” she admitted, drumming her hands on the table, spaced out for a moment, he leaned forward to talk more seriously then, “well. it´s simple isn´t it”, she knew what he meant, “you like her”, she didn´t look at him but made a “hmm” sound of agreement, fidgeting with her hair. 

Joel was almost endeared by seeing his jaded friend so uncharacteristically out of it, nothing made her nervous back in the QZ, ever, not gunfire, not a group of men that are were a few heads taller than her, not even while getting beaten up did she ever seem afraid, he could count on one hand the amount of times he´d seen her lose her cool, so watching her hard facade crumble because of a girl, it made him discover a side of her he hadn´t seen in all the years they´d known each other, and it was moving to him in a way, that of all things love would be the thing to force her to her knees, to render her defenseless. 

“I think I should keep it to myself right? I mean we should be discreet about it?” he considered it, “I mean. I will say I have seen much stranger couples around town, truly some odd fuckin´pairs that make you two look boring as hell, but I won´t lie, it would probably take a little time for people to.. you know get it. what you two have”. she understood, that was what she´d thought, “yeah I think it might be smart to keep it private. even though I´d fucking hate for her to feel like I´m ashamed or something, that´s the last thing I am. I mean fuck, if anything I´d wanna brag”, he crossed his arms, shifting his posture, “can´t blame you, I think you could get some really priceless reactions out of the younger guys who tried their luck with her, when they realize that their biggest competition was some strange out of town woman”. Tess laughed then, feeling some tension leave her body, enjoying that age old feeling of not having to censor herself at all around him, “yeah. that would be pretty fucking entertaining.”. he downed the rest of his coffee and said one last thing on the issue, “whatever you decide in the end, just know, if anyone ever does give you two trouble, I´ll take care of it, alright? they won´t do it twice.” since they´d been in Jackson, Joel had turned into a more gentle, polite version of himself to blend in, that morning was the first time his old self came back to the surface, the first genuine threat of violence Tess had heard from him since they´d arrived, and it felt good, to know that he was still always on her side, always ready to jump to her defense, even when she was being reckless and getting into something that he easily could have judged her for. 

“so, we´re starting on the attic today right?” Tess said as she got up and put away the cups, “yes, I think it needs a paint job, the windows are a little fucked, and some floorboards are loose, but other than that it should be pretty nice in no time”, since they´d arrived in Jackson a few weeks earlier they´d been planning on how to fix up their house, both of them eager to prove that they were capable of proper physical labor. “but it´s still early, there´s not rush, if you wanna.. you know get some air, walk around before being stuck up there” it was probably a good idea for her to clear her head, so she got her jacket and stepped out. 

it was a foggy morning, she couldn´t even see all the way down the street as she slowly made her way towards the center of town. of course she knew there was a chance of running into you but she still felt a rush of adrenaline when she reached the outside of the dining hall and saw you sitting there on a bench by yourself, you didn´t see her as she came closer, so for a moment she just stood there, looking at you, reminding herself that the urge to embrace or kiss you would have to wait til later, telling herself to keep her instincts in check before briefly resting her hand on your shoulder to make you turn around. the moment you looked at her and smiled, Tess remembered just how little it took for you make her feel warm, even in the icy morning air, and you saw it, how glad she was to see you, for a moment it felt like an extended dream, like something you´d imagined, but it was real, her touch brief but the impact lingering on after.

“hey!” you said, your tone different than if anyone else had stood there, excitement in there that was not typical for you, shifting the way you were sitting to make space for her, “come, please, sit” she nodded, “so, how are you?” she asked, sitting down next to you, “better than ever actually, for some reason” you said, an ironic inflection, seeing the satisfied look on her face as she answered, “yeah, me too”, the town was still waking up and hardly anyone was around, so you allowed yourself to reach for her hand, her grip on you strong and reassuring, the warmth of her palm reminding you of where else on your body it had rested the night before a slight flush on your face as you practically beamed at each other in silence, a shared moment of knowing exactly what the other person was thinking, no words were needed to know that it included things like i wish i could kiss you right now, i thought about you before falling asleep and after waking up, i am a little nervous, i have no idea when i last felt like this, if i ever did, it was all there in the air between you, locking eyes was enough to communicate it. 

once the moment passed you let go of her hand and leaned back, speaking first, “so, tell me, what are your plans today?”, while moving your leg so it would touch hers, two people sitting like that was not suspicious, it made you creative, the limitation of physical affection you could allow yourself in public, and admittedly part of it was hot, she grinned, feeling what you were doing “well, our house needs a little fixing up still, so I think we´ll be busy with that. and you?”, she kept her hands to herself but she was dying to reach out and caress your cheek, the way you were looking at her was killing her, all soft and open.“well” you gestured behind you “I´ll be in the kitchen all day. I´m on cooking duty”, “really? wow, didn´t figure you for a chef” she hadn´t pictured that as one of your jobs, “should I be offended by you sounding so surprised that I can cook?”, she laughed, “oh come on, you know what I mean, it´s hard to imagine the very limited resources in the QZ inspiring someone to learn how to cook”, she was right of course, after the outbreak the philosophy surrounding food was mostly be thankful for what you have, parents hardly bothered teaching kids elaborate culinary skills anymore, meals were a matter of survival, nothing more. “yeah I know, but I had my reasons to try my hand” she looked at you in a way that said “keep going”, “well, after my parents died and I started living with my friend her family I felt kind of self conscious about being there at times, so I guess becoming the family chef made me feel like I was useful” you smiled then, remembering something about that time, but she was hung up on the word useful, a little struck by a teenager thinking they could be considered useless by those taking care of them, it made her suspect your life with your parents hadn´t been all that easy either, it stung a bit, but she didn´t let it show. 

“so you´re telling me you were what, 15, 16, using your free time to cook for your household? you really are some kind of angel huh. I was a fucking nightmare at that age”, remembering how people had considered you tough and intimidating was becoming increasingly absurd to her, but you shook your head, “oh don´t be too quick with that assessment, I also got in trouble quite a bit” that intrigued Tess, she leaned closer, her voice lower, that tone that always went straight to your core, “oh really? how so?”, you stared at her, enjoying the genuine interest, “school was tough, I often got detention, always ended up fighting with teachers. I guess I had an authority problem” you mused, leaned your head on your arm then, looking up at her, making it even harder for her to just sit there and not touch you the way she actually wanted.

that last part was funny to her, that you were clearly not a fan of strict rules or being told what to do, including what you´d told her about Jackson being too regulated for you, but then with her you seemed to want exactly that: being taken care of, being told what to do, and she loved the idea of being an exception, that her kind of power was the kind you wanted to submit to, not push back against, it almost humbled her in a sense.“yeah I can picture that, you being too clever for them and getting on their last nerve” a pause then, “but they never seriously hurt you, did they? because I heard some awful stories about the schools in my QZ” a sudden flicker of something dark in her eyes, it was hot to you, but you reassured her, “I mean nothing crazy no. but if they did, what then? would you go out there and find them?” you joked but she didn´t smile, “maybe” you nudged her, “that´s very sweet of you, really”, but you weren´t just amused, it was an unfamiliar feeling, to have someone be that invested in your safety, even considering things that had happened long ago. she loosened up again, still, her sense of protectiveness extended even to your past self, perhaps because she felt a little guilty, that she´d grown up normally and you had to go through a lot as a kid, but in some way it also made her respect you, that you clearly possessed the strength that was required to grow up into a person as beautiful as you were, during the end of the fucking world. she was convinced you were the better person out of the two of you, there was no doubt about it to her, Tess was prideful at times but you made her feel a sense of humility that she liked. 

Tess could tell from the look in your eyes that you were were waiting for her to say something, anything, there was something pleading about it and for the second time she felt the urge to touch your face, only stopping her hand mid-air, which didn´t pass you by, you stared at her, still waiting for her to speak, she cleared her throat, “I know I put up a good front but just know it´s kind of killing me right now to sit here like we´re just friends”, you cocked your head, “we aren´t friends?” slightly teasing, she narrowed her eyes, “no. that´s not what I would call it”, a subtle grin on her face, you nodded, “if it makes you feel better I have been trying my best not to lean my head against your shoulder for the past few minutes, so...”, “don´t say that, jesus” she whispered, the image too endearing to her to be unaffected by it, you kept looking at her, not expecting the idea of a simple tender gesture like that to get to her, “yeah I should go I think this isn´t gonna end well if I stay any longer”, she sounded serious about it, and it did thrill you a little, for her to imply that you were irresistible to her. “okay. but um-” she looked at you expectantly, “yeah, what is it?” a sweetness to her tone that she never used with other people, “if you happen to take a break later, feel free to stop by in the kitchen, there´s a backdoor” you pointed to the wall at the back of the building “it´s open, I´ll be right down the hall” she nodded, charmed by your clear desire to see her again as soon as possible, which matched hers,  “okay, I´ll see what I can do” briefly touching your hand before getting up, deepening the ache of not being able to hold onto her, looking back down to where you were sitting for a moment, not wanting to leave you yet, watching you bask in the light of her attention, shifting your posture to face her. for second she thought out loud, “god. you´re so pretty..” barely audible but you did hear it, “what was that?” you teased, clearly you had heard it, she shook her head, “okay I am leaving now, you take care sweetheart”.

the next few hours passed quickly, you washed the produce, you sharpened knives, you let some things that would take longer simmer on low heat while chopping others, you were lost in the motions and didn´t register time passing. there was something that you had kept from Tess, which was that the reason you were known around town as someone who worked hard, who was eager to help out with any job at any time, had very little to do with the goodness of your heart.

it was a welcome side effect that people perceived you as diligent and reliable but the reason you took on as much work as you did was simple: it was the only reliable coping skill you had. in other environments your depressive moods and darker states of mind would have driven you to different methods of numbing yourself, but there was no secret drug scene in Jackson, the one available substance was alcohol and you were not one to drink on your own, there was no tv or other mindless entertainment to turn to, not even healthier ways of clearing your head like taking hour long walks, so the one thing you go sucked into was working yourself to a point of exhaustion, to a point where no thoughts could form anymore. the years in Jackson had been marked by various periods of deep despair, loneliness, and hopelessness, so to escape time, to escape your mind, you got into the habit of doing whatever you could to be occupied as much as possible: chopping wood for fireplaces, cleaning out the stables, sweeping the streets, helping people around their homes and in their gardens, cooking, anything, oftentimes doing so much in one day and forgetting food and drinking to a point of almost passing out on your doorstep multiple times at night.

people didn´t notice, you were good at stoically handling the pain, but it had worn you down, and even meeting Tess, being so flooded with joy, it didn´t magically kill the instinct to overextend yourself. usually people worked in shifts in the kitchen but you always told them you liked handling both lunch and dinner and to do it on your own, they bought the lie that it was relaxing to you, and some parts of it were, but you knew you´d have to stop overdoing it or eventually something ugly would happen. still, meeting Tess in the morning had left you in a better state of mind than any of the days before, that morning and early afternoon you were constantly zoned out thinking back to all the things she´d said, all the glances she´d given you, the details filling your body with a constant buzz, a lovestruck expression on your face that nobody was around to witness. 

around 2 pm Tess suggested to Joel that they should take a break and told him she´d be back in half an hour. the noises of the kitchen concealed any noise you could have picked up on as Tess walked down the hall that you´d mentioned earlier, so she saw you before you saw her as she stopped in the door frame for a moment, just watching you chop something faster and more skillfully than she ever could; other people got butterflies when they saw their lover with kids, Tess suddenly felt it as she saw you handling a potential weapon with such ease. 

she knocked to announce herself and you turned and waved her over, “oh thank god, you came!”, the enthusiasm was endearing to her, she slowly walked over to where you were standing, leaning back against a counter next to you, that painfully attractive she always had, “that´s a nice thing to hear walking into a room”, she smiled at you, taking in the sight of your face all flushed from the humid heat of the kitchen, your hair a little messed up, her knuckles straining with the suppressed need to pull you close. your gaze fell to a few streaks of white paint on her jeans that hadn´t been there earlier, you pointed at them, “so, how is that going, hm?” eyeing her, tilting your head, “not too bad, I have a lovely constant background noise of an old man complaining about his knees” she joked dryly, you laughed, “okay I see. well, I wouldn´t complain if I was in his place, getting to watch you do all that” your voice a little sultry then, she liked that you kept flirting with her even though you already clearly had her, “is that so?”, you nodded, “but I wouldn´t be much help I´m afraid, I don´t know shit about renovating”, “oh that´s fine, you could just sit there and look pretty for me”, she said, purposely drawing the words out in a low suggestive tone, watching your expression change, staring into your soul, enjoying the feeling of seeing your expression change. 

you were less timid than her, more willing to take a risk in that moment, so you dropped your knife and stepped over to where she was standing, your hands finding the sides of her neck, sending a shiver down her spine from the unexpected touch, before leaning in and kissing her the way you´d wanted to that morning, feeling her grab your face hard as she leaned into it with quite some force, both of you clearly having missed the other one even though you´d seen each other mere hours before, there was an immediate neediness to the kiss, you were making up for what you couldn´t do before kissing each other over and over, your lips turning a darker shades of red, swelling a little, her fingers in your hair, getting soft sighs out of you that drove her to deepen the kiss, just for a moment, just to hear something a little closer to a moan, she was being reckless and she knew it, but she couldn´t stop herself, and you were too wrapped up in it to deny her, chest to chest with her but still pressing yourself against her harder, until you both needed air and separated, throwing a glance to the door to make sure nobody was there, but you were alone still. 

you stepped back, straightening out your clothes and smiling with your gaze cast to the floor, hers on your side profile as she wiped her mouth, trying to breathe and get her heartbeat to a normal state again,  “I think I should abandon all this, so I can go back to your place with you, right?” she laughed, “absolutely yes.”, wishing it wasn´t just a joke. “oh by the way” you continued, more earnest then, still a little dizzy from the kiss, “I didn´t mention this earlier but if there´s anything you like to eat, tell me, and I´ll do it next time”, she nodded, “okay that´s sweet of you, I´ll think of something, but how about you don´t prepare it for everyone in town, do it for me at home instead” you grinned, realizing that she didn´t like the idea of everyone else being part of your gesture of affection, “you don´t like sharing, do you?” you weren´t talking about the food, her answer wasn´t about that either, she nodded, grinning “yeah, that´s right” her arms crossed, “alright. I´ll save my best meal for you and you alone, how about that?” you said, which was an easy way to win her over: playing into her possessiveness. “perfect. and I´ll find a way to repay you of course”, a suggestiveness to the words,  “I´m sure you will” you said, leaning back, smiling. Tess realized you two should probably plan when to really see each other again, not just in passing, “I suppose you´ll be pretty tired from all this tonight, so how about you get a good night sleep later and then tomorrow you can come over in the evening and we can do.. well whatever we want really. I´ll kick my roommate out” that got a laugh out of you, “alright, yes, sounds good to me”.

part of you wanted to protest, to suggest that you should come over later that night but you knew you would probably be better company once you were energized again. Tess moved to leave and you exchanged quick goodbyes before you turned around to continue your work, but before she could exit the door she looked back at you, and couldn´t go just yet. you stood with your back turned to her, and it was too tempting, so she walked back over, stopping once she stood right behind you.

 you felt her presence intensely but didn´t turn around, waiting to see what she was doing, a second later you felt her arms wrapping around you from behind, just below your waist, to gently pull you back against her front side, and the moment she did that she saw you putting down the knife and rest your palms flat against the counter, for some reason she knew your eyes were closed even though she couldn´t see it. she leaned close enough to your neck to leave a light kiss, your breath heavy by then, “see you tomorrow sweet girl” she whispered, counting on the fact that she´d just given you a glimpse of what to look forward to, which had worked of course, it took everything in you not to turn around and beg her to stay but you forced yourself let the feeling crash over you, to take it without breaking, so you let her hold you for a few more moments, trying desperately to soak the warmth of her hands up, before she let you go and vanished. 

walking back home, the joy Tess felt reminded her of how she often had complicated feelings about joy after the outbreak. for a long time she´d been tormented with nightmares about loved ones she´d lost, nightmares about them calling her unworthy of her survival, calling her selfish for moving on, for not being destroyed by grief, for trying to build something new for herself; she´d often woken up in a cold sweat feeling horrible about herself and ironically enough it often happened after she´d had a particularly good day. the thing was, that as she got older she realized that despite all the pain, she´d been afforded a freedom that she wouldn´t have had in her previous life. at first she felt awful for even thinking about it, but it was the truth, before she´d have grown old as a mother and wife, she´d have had very clear positions as a woman, duties to fulfill whether she felt like it or not, but somehow it had all turned out differently; there she was, after getting over the worst of it all with nobody to answer to, no spouse, no child, not even an employer, she was free to be whatever she wanted to be, and it wasn´t lost on her that that was in its own strange way a lucky position to be in. 

for a long time she´d let it get to her, the fear that she might be a horrible person for rejoicing in a freedom that was connected to a horrible loss, but that day when she walked back after having met you, none of the guilt was there, the joy she felt was light and untainted, it was solid and calm

Tess knew it was your impact in large parts that had taken away that heaviness, the way you looked at her made it much harder to see herself in a bad light, the fact someone like you, who rarely trusted anyone with their weaker side, was so ready to let her in, to accept her care, it made Tess feel like she had a purpose, like the impact she would leave on the world might not just be one of violence. during the years of Joel and her fighting their way through weeks and months lost in a haze of shared pain and rage, she´d given up on the idea of ever feeling like a good person, or even just a decent one, but when she held you, when she felt you leaning in to kiss her, when she sensed your ease around her, knowing how reluctant you usually were to get close to others, she felt like there was a goodness in her that had remained in tact, that you were drawing out of the depths of her because you needed it. 

Tess realized that sometimes self contempt did not matter, if someone saw something worth loving in her, who was she to tell them their perception was off? 

while she was thinking all that, you were having a moment of reflection yourself. once she left the kitchen you just stood there the way you´d stood before, bracing yourself against the counter, breathing a little unevenly, and for a good few minutes you didn´t continue your work because your mind was racing, your body was on fire, and you had to calm down somehow. 

at first you couldn´t identify what it was, but then you realized: your body had no idea how to handle intense joy, intense feelings of love and affection for someone, how to handle desire and ecstatic feelings of want, none of it, because you had never felt it before, it was like a new chemical had entered your system and an alarm was going off. of course you´d had moments of relaxation or contentment before, you´d had good days and you´d laughed and gathered sweet memories at times, but it had been years and years since you´d felt genuine joy, the kind that alters your whole physicality, your whole being. for so long you had lived in a state of constant numbness, you felt like a ghost at times, you were tethered to nothing, no family, no friends, no lover, not even a hometown or material possessions that made you feel grounded, nothing had really mattered to you, you floated from place to place, in Jackson you faded into the background, stopped engaging socially, spent nights on your own, days distracted by work, and then, all of a sudden, a rupture. Tess came and you were stunned into a state of openness, it felt like your body was coming out of hiding, like every part of you was hungry to feel, to feel everything, every little detail of what her presence could evoke in you, but it was not without pain at first, that process of letting yourself be alive again. 

there was a fear in you and as you stood there thinking you knew why: for the first time in your life you had something to lose. 

you´d gotten used to indifference so now that you felt so deeply for Tess, you almost panicked imagining a potential future without her, the worst case scenario played out in your head, her and Joel getting bored and leaving, her being gone one day, because now that you´d gotten a taste of love, you knew going back to living without it would eviscerate you. 

there was no going back and you had to understand that the fear was a positive kind, that part of caring was risking your heart, the risk of immeasurable loss, which was worth it, always, in order to experience immeasurable love. after a while you calmed down, focusing on the spot where Tess´s hand had lingered mere moments before, banishing anxious thoughts and letting your mind flood with the memory of her body behind yours, her scent, her lips, and it worked, your cheeks flushed and you felt your muscles relax again. 

by the time you were done cleaning up at night everyone else had left the building already and it was dark out. your limbs were aching as you walked outside and realized that it was pouring rain. for a moment you just stood there, letting the cool water soothe your exhausted body, not caring about your hair or clothes getting wet. once you walked down the road, it dawned on you that nothing seemed worse to you in that moment than going home to an empty, cold, dark house, nobody waiting for you, nobody to ask you if you´re fine, and you tried to fight the instinct, you did, but you knew where you were headed when you started walking faster. the plan had been to go to Tess the next night, to go there refreshed and in a more appealing state, but you had a visceral need to just see her, to be with her even if it would just be ten minutes, you were broken down in a way, the weeks before you´d overdone it, and the one thing you could think of that might make you feel steadier, less at risk of falling apart, was Tess´s strength, her way of touching you that infused you with calm, with warmth. 

you made your way up to Tess and Joel´s door and tried your best to not feel ashamed as you knocked, ringing the bell seemed a little rude at that hour, hoping and praying it wouldn´t be him who answered the door, and it wasn´t; shortly after you knocked, Tess opened the door, somehow less surprised to see you than you thought, wearing an oversized black sweater that suited her, her light eyes shining brighter with the contrast, and the sight of her alone could have made you cry for some reason, the gentle smile as she leaned against the door frame and said “well hello there”. 

you immediately tried to apologize for your unannounced appearance, uttering something like “sorry I know it´s late and we said tomorrow but -” but before you could finish the sentence she shook her head and waved you in, “don´t apologize, you can come by whenever you feel like it, alright?” she wanted nothing less than for you to feel hesitant around her, you nodded, feeling a little relieved as you walked in.

once you were inside and the light hit you, she saw something that others might not have picked up on because you did conceal it somewhat well, but not well enough for Tess; she could read in the way you were holding your body, the way your eyes looked that there was a fragility to you in that moment and it made her feel violently protective but she kept it in check, not smothering you with it, not yet. 

for a moment you were just standing there, unsure what to do, waiting for her to tell you, but before doing anything else she went in to embrace you, a proper hello, the kind she had denied herself that morning, her arms firm around your back, yours around her waist, your head resting on her shoulder for a moment, breathing in her fresh scent, you could tell that she´d just showered and it felt so good that you almost turned it into a desperate tight hug, the kind where you cling to someone, where it´s blatantly obvious how much you really need their comfort, but you restrained yourself, melting into her for a few seconds, feeling her hands lightly run over the fabric of your jacket, soaking up her the feeling of her being wrapped around you and letting out deep shaky breath, that she noticed, before untangling yourself and smiling at her, a tired smile, but a very genuine one. 

the urge to cry was still there, that thing of affection almost being painful when you´re in in desperate need of it, but you didn´t. she saw it and it worried her but she let it pass, giving you a moment to adjust, taking your hand in hers, “come on, let´s get you comfortable” she led you to the living room, it was just as you remembered, inviting and cozy, the faint light of the fire and a small lamp in the corner of the room, the smell of something like a scented candle, “here drink” Tess ordered as she held up a cup of tea that had been standing on the coffee table long enough to not be hot anymore, “I think you need this more than me”. you gladly accepted, it was herbal with a slight taste of honey and you imagined that she´d already taken a sip, liking the idea of indirectly kissing her by having your lips where hers had been before. 

Tess sat down on the couch and moved closer to you once you sat next to her, her hand on your cheek then which you immediately leaned into. she caressed you for a moment, studying your face from up close, enamored, “you´re exhausted, hm?” a low, sympathetic tone, “yeah.. but this is helping” you said, your voice barely above a whisper, for a moment she let you close your eyes, holding your face in her palm, before her hand moved down to your own, holding it reassuringly as she spoke “wanna tell me what´s going on sweetie?” she asked, patient, giving you time to think of answer while you laced your fingers through hers and rested your head against the couch cushion.

“yeah. it´s just-” your voice was shaky which embarrassed you a little, but she encouraged you, “go on, I´ll understand”, you knew she would, so you went on.“well I already told you about not being too happy here in general since I came here, right?” she nodded “yes”, listening intently, still holding your hand, absentmindedly running her thumb over your skin, leaning in so you wouldn´t have to speak too loudly, making it more intimate, “the past few months it just got worse and worse, before you guys came it got pretty bad. the thing is I can´t cope when I have too much time on my hands, I really can´t be alone with my thoughts for too long, so I often just kept working and working because there are no other distractions around here” you spared her the gnarlier details, “and yeah it just wore me down, and I don´t how to fucking stop that´s the thing, I don´t know what to do Tess, I don´t know how to just live and be present” your ability to mask your pain had gone away, you seemed genuinely shaken up once you got done talking, your gaze was not on her, but she wanted you to look at her, so she lifted your head with her fingers, once you looked at her you could tell her expression had turned even more concerned, “and nobody noticed that something was off? nobody was looking out for you?” you shrugged, a sort of defeated look to you.

“I live alone, and well. not everyone has me figured out the way you have” she shook her head, a flicker of anger in her eyes as it dawned on her just how exhausted you truly must be, after years of being on your own with all of that to deal with, she sounded more stern, more intense as she spoke again, leaning in for emphasis, “okay, you listen to me. I know you´re used to being on your own and having nobody to rely on, and I know it´s not easy to give that up, I do, but I´m here now, and we´ll figure it out together. alright? it will be okay” your look of doubt just made her double down “it will. you´re gonna come to me when you don´t wanna be alone with your thoughts and I´ll find a way to distract you” there it was again, her way of putting things like an order, not even giving you the chance to deny her care, so you nodded as she tenderly brushed a strand of hair out of your face,“how about you tell me what´s been on your mind, hm? that´s a start”.

you weren´t used to sharing any of your inner thoughts with someone, so it took you a moment to gather up the courage to be honest, “well, it used to be all kinds of things, dread about not having anything to do with my life here. but it changed. now it´s just one thing really”, that peaked her interest, “and what´s that?”, you paused a moment, debating whether to be that honest, but you wanted at least one person to finally know you to your core, “are you gonna leave again?”, she didn´t expect that question at all so she looked confused as she responded “leave? what...as in leave town? we just moved here like three weeks ago” there was an amused smile on her face, but she realized that you were being dead serious, your expression almost terrified while waiting for a definitive no, it went straight to her heart,“oh sweetie. come here” she said, pulling you closer by your shoulders to hold you, to soothe you by running her fingers through your hair, the moment she did that you felt tears in your eyes, clinging to her, your fingers digging into the fabric of her shirt, “I´m not going anywhere, I promise you that, I´m here for good” she whispered while continuing the gentle touches, she realized then that you had yet to know what it feels like, to be able to trust that things were gonna turn out well, that there wasn´t always some disaster waiting on the horizon. she realized that it was one thing to care for you, it was another to help you grow comfortable with that care, to accept it, to trust that it would last, that you could let go of your old habit of never growing attached to anyone or anything. 

you stayed like that for a moment, not full on crying into her shoulder, but shedding a few tears as you calmed down a little, after a while you separated and you went to wipe your eyes, laughing to yourself a little, it almost made her cry too then, to finally see a brighter expression on your face again, that smile that had won her over the moment you introduced yourself to her. “Jesus I´m sorry. I really don´t wanna be a fucking burden, I´ll get a grip now, I´ve just never felt like this about anyone..” you said while making sure your eyes were dry again, but Tess just shook her head, “you really have some self perception issue we need to work on here, getting to know you like this is not some favor I´m doing, it´s the one thing that has made coming here worth it. I´ll have you know that I was teased mercilessly all day today by Joel for constantly smiling to myself.” 

your eyes lit up then, you moved over and put your arms around her neck, looking at her from up close, getting a good look at her for the first time that day, her hands moving under your shirt, to your back, “really?” you said, clearly loving that image, your smile turning into a satisfied grin, she was beyond relieved to see the switch in your mood, “hm, you really did a number on me” you kept staring into her eyes, “well, when you left earlier I just stood there for like 15 minutes recovering so..” you confessed, she laughed, “okay so we both just spent the whole day today thinking about each other, huh?”, you leaned down to kiss her then while uttering “guess so”, your hands in her hair, kissing her more heartfelt than earlier, a distinct emotionality to it, not even making out at first but just savoring the feeling of your lips against hers, eventually getting worked up from being pressed against her and breathing heavier, her hands moving up to your face to hold you in place while you kissed but struggled at times to keep it uninterrupted, the intensity leaving you just sighing into each other´s open mouths every now and then, growing hotter from the sounds, the feeling of each others tongues only adding to it once you really abandoned restrained and turned sloppy with it, her briefly, lightly biting your lower lip, drawing a moan out of you as she grabbed your tits through your shirt, remembering that you didn´t mind when she did it a little roughly.

after a while of being all over each other getting lost in the feeling of it, you climbed off of her and Tess realized just how wet your clothes had gotten from the rain earlier, she was so distracted before that it only then struck her, she fussed with your damp shirt, “okay you need to change, this isn´t good, you´ll catch a cold”, but she wasn´t gonna send you home, no way, “wanna come up to my room? I´ll give you something fresh to wear” her voice purposely low and smooth to persuade you, which wasn´t even needed, of course you´d say yes to the promise of seeing her space, getting dressed in something that might have her lingering scent on it, “yes I´d love that” you said,  so she got up and pulled you up with her, gesturing for you to follow her. 

after you made your up the stairs to the first floor, Tess went in ahead of you to turn on a few small lights, telling you to make yourself at home, and the second you saw her bed, which was considerably bigger than yours, it hit you just how tired you were, so you made your way to the end of the bedrame and sat down with your legs dangling off, taking in the details of her room. it was pretty impressive to you: two large wood paneled windows on each wall that faced the garden, a tree so close to them that you could see its outline even in the dark, a long full body mirror in the corner, a door that seemed to open to a walk in closet, beautiful wallpaper with a subtle flower print, you knew she might have chosen a slightly less feminine touch but it was undeniably a great space for her to have to herself, “damn this might be the nicest room I´ve seen in this town” you marveled as she lit a candle on her night stand, “yeah I know, I got pretty fucking lucky here”, Tess was looking at you as she said this, not at her space. 

secretly you were already kind of imagining the room as partially yours, knowing there was a good chance you´d come back again and again, a smile on your face as you she made her way over to where you were sitting, standing in front of you then, sort of towering over you which you liked, “okay, we should get you out of these now”, which you took as a cue to undress but before you could undo even do anything she gently pushed your hand away, “no, let me do that for you”, not wanting you to life another finger after having had an exhausting day, so you gave in, gladly, smiling up at her as her eyes fell to where her hands got busy with opening your shirt, a quick succession of undoing buttons, she wasn´t fumbling at all her hands were steady, and it did turn you on, to have her handle you with such care, you were at a loss almost as she pulled your arms out of the sleeves as if she didn´t want to break you, gently, a stark contrast to her generally not very inviting aura, which vanished into thin air around you.

she wanted nothing more than to wrap you in a feeling of safety, of being held. your tank top was also far from dry, and you saw her hesitate but you almost begged her then, “go on”, wanting the intimacy of being exposed, being seen, she nodded, realizing that it wasn´t just about the clothes anymore, that you were getting something you needed out of it. she moved her hands under your top to pull it over your head, and the moment you were left sitting there topless, your skin painted in a golden hue from the dim light, her eyes changed, you were watching her while she was taking in the sight if of you, her palms resting on your shoulders, warm, so warm, once she looked at you again she moved her hands down your neck, your chest, slowly, “you´re so beautiful”.  for the first time you thought you could hear her voice wavering, a hint of a tremor and the way she was standing between your legs, looking down at you, it made you feel weak in the most satisfying way. for so long you´d worked at seeming unfazed by anything, but in that moment you were glad to surrender, to look up at her in awe, to let her do whatever she wanted to, that moment with her, it felt sacred in a way. her eyes fell to a spot on your chest where she´d left a subtle mark the night before, a faint purple, she traced it for a second before leaning down to kiss the spot, ever so softly. a moment later she got onto her knees, moving between your legs to unzip your jeans and help you out of them too and once you were left in nothing but your underwear, you realized that that was the first time she´d seen you fully exposed, which felt good, her gaze never made you feel uneasy, it always made you want more. 

Tess didn´t get up again but remained on her knees, her hands on either your thighs, feeling your soft skin, caressing you, and you were still at a loss for words, just taking it in, your body heating up from what she was doing,  almost blacking out as she kissed your inner thigh, not just once, but leaving soft kisses all the way down to your knee. you could feel her long hair brushing your skin, tingling a little, her other hand lightly squeezing your other thigh as she seemed to get lost in the feeling of your skin, a kind of adoration that was enough to make you feel like you were imagining it all, it was beyond anything you´d expected from her, the way she was almost worshiping your physique. once she stopped to look up at you, she saw your eyes almost closing in pleasure, “relax for me okay? lay down, let me make you feel good” she said and you took the order, laying down flat on your back while your lower half was still at the edge of the bed, in her grip.

 after Tess kissed your other thigh and felt you relaxing, quietly sighing, clearly wanting more, the progression of sensual to sexual was so seemless that it didn´t even make you nervous when she moved to pull of your underwear, the moment you felt her touch the fabric you assured her with a “it´s okay”, eager to be hers entirely. the feeling of laying there on the soft bed, the rain still making light sounds against the windows, the sensation of her lips trailing down your body, it left you fully present in your body, no thoughts other than god this feels good, it was exhilarating to be nude and to practically feel every part of you warm up and pulse with desire, your face growing hot, your chest rising and falling with heavy deep breaths, the space above your hips burning as she held onto you, it was clear to her that you were turned on to a level that could and should be deepened, so once your underwear was discarded onto the floor she moved further up between your legs, tightening her grip on you a little, pushing your knees apart more to have space, hooking her arms under your thighs to pull you down onto her face.

it was a charged moment for both you and Tess, neither of you had been intimate with anyone in a good while, so you felt every little sensation of that moment intensely, she had no idea if anyone had ever gone down on you at all so she felt a sense of responsibility, to not just be gentle and patient but to also make it heartfelt and passionate enough for you to crave more once she was done, a mix of carefulness and the urge to show you just how good it could feel. she knew she had all the time in the world, so at first she just focused on the skin leading up to where she was going, licking the highest part of your inner thigh, broad strokes with her flat tongue just tasting your skin for a moment, your sounds still faint but she could feel your body reacting, a slight twitch in your leg as she kneaded the skin where her fingers were digging in while moving to your center and running her flat tongue over your cunt in one big stroke, leaving your lips glistening with her spit, a slight gasp from you then, followed by a needy “please Tess..”, urging her to go ahead, so she briefly reached up and spread you open with her fingers, teasing you for a moment by running them up and down between your folds before leaning in and licking up what had leaked out already, a hum of pleasure as the slick texture hit her tongue, a sudden hunger, so she put more force into it and found a rhythm of sucking and licking your soft sensitive flesh that drove not only you insane but herself too, your whole body flushed by that point, your hands gripping the sheets before she reached up to hold them down, to make it even more intimate, feeling your hips moving up to meet her tongue, your fingers trapping hers, squeezing quite hard from the overwhelming feeling, but you were being easy, you didn´t squirm much or try to move away, it was pure bliss for her the way you were sprawled out and open for her, she praised you for a moment as she lifed her head, moving her hand to caress your stomach,  “you´re being so good for me, such a good girl”, it only turned you on more, “my angel” she whispered against your skin as she could hear you whine from the mix of her words and her touches, her own underwear soaked by that point from it all, so much so that she might even finish too.

to really push you towards your impending climax she stopped pushing her tongue into you after having gone at it for a while and moved to suck on your clit, hard, not to a point of pain but hard enough to make you see stars for a second, “jesus fuck..” you moaned as she kept doing it, “Tess fuck I´ll-” you cried, feeling her steady you by grabbing your hips, “it´s okay, breathe, I got you” cooing at you before really harnessing all of her strength to overstiunalte your clit to the point of your walls clenching and your legs shaking, her hands constantly running up and down your body to add to the arousal, she knew that a squeeze and a grab at the right moment would only make you cum harder, you tried to somehow remain in place as you felt the orgasm building in your core and spreading out through your whole body in violent waves, your moaning nad whining almost making her lose her mind with lust as she felt the whole lower half of her face getting soaked in your juices, an intense final shudder told her you were finished but she wasn´t, letting you calm down a little as she gathered up every last drop that she´d gotten out of you, a last sloppy lick over your cunt before easing up and catching her breath, still between your legs, until she had the urge to see your face and climbed up over you, trapping you beneath her, satisfied with the look she found on your face, all flushed and exhausted and content. 

before she could say anything you pulled her down for a kiss, which turned her on even more because she knew you knew she hadn´t wiped her mouth or chin yet, a gesture of intimacy that got her good, you tasting yourself on her lips, not even just a closed mouth kiss but kissing her in a way that made clear how much you´d enjoyed what she´d just done. “do I wanna know how you got that good at eating pussy” you said, which got a laugh out of her, her hand in your hair as she said “oh you know, the hundreds of women I dated before you” you didn´t laugh, wondering for a split second if she might actually mean it “I´m joking, don´t worry, I guess you bring it out of me”, “okay now you´re just sweet talking me” you said, your hands around her neck as she shook her head, “not my style, you should know that by now I think”, both of you smiling at each other as she said this because you did know, but it was still new to you, to be wanted like that, by someone you wanted just as badly. you knew her arms must have gotten tired from hovering over you so you pulled her down onto your chest, “careful there” she said, worrying she was gonna be too heavy, “you can crush me I don´t mind” you said, holding onto her as you could hear her laughing, resting on your chest for a moment. 

neither of you were bold enough yet to ask the other one to spend the night together, so around midnight after laying there together for a good while, she offered to walk you home. as you stood in front of your door and looked at her you didn´t dare to kiss her even though it was dark and nobody was out there except you two, but you did allow yourself what you´d been too shy to do earlier, which was a hug that went beyond the friendly kind, so you stepped closer to her one last time that night and embraced her as tightly as possible, communicating something a simple thank you, wouldn´t have. as you stood there, arms around each other, the faint sound of a few lone birds above you, the smell of snow still lingering int the air, she lightly ran her hand over the back of your head, speaking in a low tone, “you take it easy tomorrow, okay? no work, no nothing, and if anyone really needs you to do something, send them to me, I´ll take care of it.” you smiled against her shoulder, still gripping the fabric of her jacket, “okay, I will”, separating only after a good two minutes of standing there in an embrace, giving each other a last love filled glance before saying goodnight. 

while you were sleeping soundly later that night, Tess and Joel coincidentally got up to get some water from the kitchen at the same time. she´d been awake for hours just laying there unable to stop thinking about you and was already pouring herself a glass as she heard him coming down the stairs, so she got out a second glass and handed it to the disheveled half asleep man who got out a “thank you” but only barely, his voice still impacted by sleep, as she sat down at the table with him, both of them sitting there in silence for a moment. she had a grave expression, staring into space, so Joel asked “hey, you good?”, she looked like she was about to deliver bad news or tell him about a nightmare, but after taking a deep breath and looking up at him, Tess said “I think I´m in love with her.”. 

Joel thought of course this woman would say it like she was saying she just killed someone, all serious and almost embarrassed, he smiled then, a genuine warm smile, not the kind he politely gave strangers, the kind reserved for his best friend, he patted her hand as he spoke “well. that´s a beautiful thing Tess”, he realized that his Texan accent had slipped out heavily with that phrase but he meant it, “but you´re scared, hm?” he knew her, he could read her in an instant, she nodded, “you know m Joel, I wasn´t prepared to feel like this. at all.” he understood, “yeah it´s always scary to care. trust me, I´m an expert in trying not to. but I need you to understand that you deserve this okay? hell, we went through so much awful shit, and you saved my ass so many times, I think it´s time for you to let all that go and give being happy a shot. as weird as it might feel to you at first, you deserve it.”

she was genuinely moved by that, leaning her head on her hands while looking at him, they usually expressed their care in other ways, not via words, so she knew it meant a lot for him to be that earnest, “I´ll try” she whispered, he gave her an encouraging nod before downing the rest of his water, “you know this is fun for me. it´s like I am getting a whole new friend out of this. you´re much better company when you have a pretty girl to fawn over”, he teased, earning himself a sharp look from her, “well I´m glad me losing my fucking mind is entertaining to you” she said, shaking her head, but clearly relieved that Joel knew how to help her ease up.

in Jackson there were generally only really two viable options when deciding what to do with your time at night: staying in, or going out to see who was hanging around at the bar, so the next day Tess and Joel found themselves leaving the house around 8pm to go have a drink, simultaneously cursing the cold air as they stepped outside, muttering things like “jesus fuck it´s cold”. 

naively Joel started talking to Tess about his day, some gossip he´d overheard, his plans for their garden, but Tess´s very short and unenthusiastic answers of “oh cool” or “I see” or “yeah”, made him suspect that she was not listening at all, that her mind was of course somewhere else completely, so to test if she was even remotely paying attention he said: “you know I was thinking about burning our house down. just letting the whole thing go up in flames” and Tess gave a mild nod and an “uh-huh” in response, her expression unchanged, which made him speak louder then and push her in the side, “Jesus Christ Tess, just go on and get her to come with us, this is unbearable” he shook his head in disbelief over his lovestruck friend as he said this, watching her snap out of her state of daydreaming, “so you´re trying to get me in trouble, huh?”, “oh come on, relax, nobody´s gonna think twice about two women talking to each other, they´ll be too busy getting shitfaced” he had a point. “go! get your girlfriend!” he said, teasing a little, pushing her to do it, “fuck off” she muttered, secretly enjoying “girlfriend” being used to address you, the word swirling around in her mind as she approached your house, girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend almost a prayer like quality to the way its echo kept lingering in her ears, giving her something to put her faith in: the idea of maybe someday soon being able to refer to you as that. 

once you opened the door she didn´t even say hello, immediately opening with “go get a jacket, we´re going to get a drink”, you laughed, “damn okay, you´re wasting no time huh” she nodded, “you know me”, she realized that you looked much more refreshed than the night before, calm and healthy, she suspected you´d taken her order and gone easy on yourself during the day. 

as you walked down the street Tess assured you that she had Joel under control, that he wouldn´t be weird about it, so as you walked into the bar you followed her over to where he was waiting.

as you approached you saw that three shots were standing on the counter, he looked at both of you, “join me?”, which immediately made you relax, he seemed much less intimidating the moment he opened his mouth. all three of you stood there as you downed the shot, immediately twisting your faces as you felt the burn of the surprisingly strong liquor, “jesus did they pour us gasoline??” you said, which got a laugh out of him, the first of many that followed the minutes after when you all got more comfortable, Tess watching you charm him without even trying, all of you standing there by the bar, nursing your drinks, you giving them some of the inside scoop about Jackson they might not have picked up on yet, airing out some of your grievances, letting them share some of their own, it was clear to them you wouldn´t talk so a sense of trust was established within the hour so you spent together. 

once Tommy entered the bar and greeted you before talking to Joel about something private, you and Tess used the opportunity to slip away for a moment, heading to a quieter corner of the bar, sitting down by an empty table. you were tipsier than her since she could definitely handle her liquor better, but it was the nice kind of tipsy, a buzz that made you more prone to being honest, but also, to being affectionate so you had to remind yourself not to kiss her as she stared at you all lovingly, “what?” you said, leaning your hands on your folded hands, looking up at her with doe eyes, she cocked her head, smiling in a way that made her look young, girlish almost, “you should be proud of yourself, he never warms up to strangers this fast. but again, he´d have to be a fucking fool not to like you”.

you sounded a little drunk then as you said “you´re so sweet to me”, while staring at her, and in that moment Tess didn´t care anymore about what anyone might think, she wanted to touch you so she did, brushing your hair out of your face before caressing your cheek, watching your eyes widen as you realized what she´d just done, out in public, but it felt good, to be claimed in a way, so you leaned into it. not everyone noticed, it´s not like every person in town was that invested in what you two were doing, but Tommy immediately clocked it, his eyes flickered over to where Tess´s hand met your face, his own colored in shock as he hit Joel on the arm to draw his attention where he was looking, but Joel just took a sip of his drink, keeping his mouth shut. as Tommy saw the distinct lack of surprise on Joel´s face as he turned to him, he uttered under his breath “oh so you knew??” but Joel just shrugged, “hey, I love you brother, but not enough to spill her secrets to you” and after the initial shock settled Tommy shook his head and smiled to himself while staring down into his glass, “damn, she really went straight for the best one huh”, Joel laughed, “I won´t tell Maria that you said that”, “oh fuck off you know how what I mean”, and he did, during the hour that he´d spent with you and Tess it became clear to him why she liked you, and even clearer why you two had taken so little time to fall for each other. it was so obvious to him, that you were both the types to keep to yourself, to be a little stubborn and unwilling to open up, until you met someone you were utterly mesmerized by, and lucky for you, it had happened. 

it suddenly made his chest swell to witness a love like that forming right in front of his eyes because it reminded him of how romance had changed after the outbreak. nobody had time anymore for endless meaningless dates during the end of the world, survivors knew that it was a miracle to still be alive, and even more of a miracle to meet someone whom you could love, so no matter who they were, where they met, when two people saw a light in each other that might illuminate the endless dark of their world, most people usually went into that love shaking and afraid but determined to keep it, because everyone knew tomorrow was never promised. there was an urgency to love after the outbreak, a deep visceral need, a sense of now or never that sometimes ended up pushing people together who´d have never met before. every now and then the stars aligned and fated run ins ended up creating some of the most beautiful and unexpected unions, Joel thought back to Frank and Bill, about his brother and Maria, other couples he´d met, and how you and Tess were in a similar spot, terrified of the depth of your feelings, but so clearly made for each other, so clearly ready to finally open up. 

as he was thinking all that, Tess saw that your eyelids were getting heavier by the minute and asked “wanna get out of here?”, seeing you nod, a little sleepy and slurring your words as you said, “yeah. but to your bed, not mine” she smiled, “alright, let´s go then”, as she went over to your side of the table and helped you up, throwing a glance back to Joel who threw her a wave and a knowing look. 

once you were outside and the cool air hit your face you realized that the fact that she´d kind of outed you as lovers allowed you to abandon your previous restraint, so you huddled up with her, linking arms, tightly, walking to their house as a few snowflakes fell onto your faces, a giddiness to you that was partially due to the alcohol, mostly due to feeling like she´d somehow committed herself to you because there was no way she´d have done that with someone she had no intention of really being with, not that you ever doubted her but it felt good, to have solid proof of how much you mattered to her, enough to risk potential hostility from onlookers. “so, what made you do that?” you asked, clearly full of adoration for her, she looked at you from the side, holding you close, making sure you wouldn´t slip or fall, the uninhibited even brighter smile than usual on your face making her melt.

“oh well. I realized that pretty much all of them know about my not so spotless past by now, so.. I highly doubt any of them would dare to give us, me specifically, any trouble”, you laughed, nodding, “right. your past as a violent ruthless killer” drawing out the last words for dramatic effect, nudging her, messing with her a little, but instead of laughing she just raised her eyebrows at you, “I really don´t know what you´re using that ironic tone for, miss” you challenged her, “oh so you´re proud of all that, huh?” amused by her taking offense, she shrugged, “no. but maybe I should be, considering that you seem to get a little turned on whenever it comes up” you didn´t even try to protest because it was true, it did thrill you to think that she was capable of all that if needed, “well, maybe I have a thing for fucked up women” you teased, she laughed, “clearly I do too” pointing at you as she said it, you laughed too then, “look at us. match made in heaven” that one definitely wouldn´t have left your lips in a sober state and she just let the words linger in the air as you approached their house but she thought yes, sounds about right. 

walking up the stairs to her room she made you go in front of her, both of her hands on your back to sure you wouldn´t stumble and fall, making fun of you for being a lightweight but lovingly, she liked seeing you with your walls all the way down, grabbing her more freely and saying little things out loud you usually wouldn´t have, remarking upon her eye color, her hands, everything that came to mind, all of your thoughts tumbling out, a never ending list of things you liked about her, to a point where she almost told you to stop, blushing a little, which she usually never did. 

once you were in her room you immediately flopped face down onto her bed, groaning as you felt the soft bedding under you. Tess dutifully bent down to help you out of your shoes, a simple gesture that made you feel even softer towards her. once she´d also helped you out of your jacket she didn´t lay down but decided to sit next to you on the bed, tempted by the sight of you, pulling up your shirt all the way to your shoulders so she could caress your back, a “hmm” sound of approval from you the second she touched you, her fingertips running up and down your spine, stopping for a second as she saw a faint scar under your right shoulder blade, tracing it for a moment. “how´d you get this?” she asked, you obviously never looked at your own back and you couldn´t even think of where´d you´d gotten it, it was so long ago “don´t remember” you said as she leaned down to kiss the impact of that ancient injury, her lips resting there for a moment as she thought that she wanted all of your pain to be like that in the future: a distant memory, so far gone that it doesn´t have any hold on you anymore. she wanted nothing more than to give you a life that would be so full of love and warmth that you´d remember the rough years before knowing her with a sense of that all seems so far away, I can´t even recall the details. you were lost in the feeling of her impact on your exposed back as she kissed you all the way up to your neck, feeling you relax under her. 

after a while you wanted to see her again so you used all the strength that was left in your tired body to roll over onto your back, she laughed as she saw the effort it took and helped you move closer to her, “come here” she said while grabbing you, which ended up with you laying your head in her lap, staring up at her as she held your face on either side, smiling down at you, it struck you in that moment how perfect her face was to you, her hair framing it beautifully,“you´re so pretty” you said, drawing out the “y”, that was not the word people usually used for her and she shook her head while tracing your facial features with her index finger, “you´re the pretty one here baby”, the pet name got to you, you grinned, enjoying the feeling of her feathery touches on your face, lulling you into a state of sleepy bliss. laying on her thighs was about as comforting as anything in your life had ever been. 

“oh by the way” she said, watching you close your eyes for a moment, “hmm” you answered, “your schedule for the next month or so is cleared, no more working around town for a while” you were confused then, your eyes open again, her palms still warm on your cheeks, “what do you mean?”, a smug grin on her face, “well.. I thought a lot about what you told me last night, so I talked to Maria earlier. I asked her if she´d mind if I stole you away for a while to help me around the house. Joel is god awful at being indoors for too long, he´s better with the garden and the facade of the house, all that, so I suggested you should help me instead. and I think she said yes because she was just glad to see me warm up to someone but yeah..by the time Tommy gets home I think she´ll know what my actual reason for all that was” you nodded, smiling, taking it all in, “I´m surprised you think I´d be any help” you joked, “oh I think you can handle painting some walls sweetheart”, you nodded, “or, you know, how did you put it, I could “sit there and look pretty”, she laughed, stroking your hair, “exactly yes”, you realized that she´d done that to look out for you, to watch over you and make sure you weren´t doing anything stupid to yourself, which made you emotional then. 

you started to actually imagine it, spending your days with her and it seemed a little too good to be true, “that should be fun. you and me and an empty space” you grinned, “hm, let´s see how much work we actually get done huh”, “oh and Joel actually said we could decide what to do with the attic once we´re done with it. use it as a nice space to hang out in when you´re here or something” you laughed then, “I think he might have said that because he heard us last night, you know, trying to get us far away from his room” she laughed, considering it “maybe. but don´t worry, if he did hear us, you sounded hot” she teased, you slapped her arm then, “stop”. 

after a few more minutes of you laying there you both got ready for bed because it was clear that you were gonna stay over. she washed your face for you because she was scared of you hitting your head on the porcelain if you did it yourself, giving you some of her clothes to sleep in, a loose long sleeve shirt and oversized sweatpants, a similar kind to the ones she was wearing which you used mercilessly to your advantage, your hands slipping under her wide shirt the entire time you two were in the bathroom, feeling her wince a little each time, “you´re groping me” she joked as your hands wandered up her chest, “I am yes” you whispered before she told you to quit it and go to bed with her, but she loved it, having you all over her, being handsy, it was sweet considering how restrained you´d both been just a day before, debating whether holding hands in public was fine.

once you both got comfortable under the covers it took very little time for you to doze off. at first you laid on top of her for a while but then you moved to your side so you could face her, you both wanted to look at the other person so you ended up falling asleep as mirror images, one arm around the other person´s torso, feeling each other´s slow breaths as you feel asleep, your body heat keeping the other person warm during the snowy night. 

it was a symbolic image, the way you two laid there like two perfect halves, because even though you´d lead very different lives leading up to that moment, you were both experiencing the same exact thing: a new beginning. your love was going to change your lives drastically, you both felt it in your bones. for you it was an awakening, for her it was a rebirth. for you it would mean finally coming alive, finally feeling present and like it was worth it to have been born regardless of the mess that happened in the world so shortly after, for her it would mean embracing a third period of her life, after growing up in the normal word and then going through hell with Joel in the QZ, she was finally going to leave behind the guilt and shame about what she´d done to survive the decades before, what she´d done to get to the point of meeting you and finally seeing a light at the end of a tunnel she didn´t even know she could ever get out of.

that was where the acute sense of nervousness had come from for both of you, that fated feeling of: this woman is going to change everything.

laying there together that night, safe and content in each other´s arms, you both felt no fear anymore, only the deep calm of knowing you were only at the very beginning of a love so transformative you would finally know what it feels like to stop surviving and start living again.  

you were both convinced the other one had saved you. you were both right.

[everythingmp3]

okay update concerning that last anon about part 2 of the Tess fic, I still have a last few scenes to add but I think it should be done soon! I think I’ll aim to post it by wednesday, maybe tomorrow if editing doesn’t take too long

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PART TWO OF SOFTCORE PLS😭😭😭😭😭

okay damn I’m glad you liked it that much😭 I honestly might just do that bc I’m currently trying to outline a new Tess thing and I did really enjoy writing that one, so it would be fun to continue it! can’t promise anything of course but I’ll just start writing and see where it goes 💌

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im in love with your writing thats all . i love you i love the way you use your words i think i found my religion

the way this just left me speechless and blushing… like idk what to say this is insane to me. you’re so sweet!! I am honestly a little stunned by the fact that my writing could make someone feel this strongly but I’m beyond glad it did! thank you so much, really🩷🩷

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PLSSS MORE TESS

okay!! it might take a little time because I want it to be good but I’ll try my best to drop something new with her in the near future <3

[everythingmp3]

𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐞

𝐓𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐨𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

you´ve been living in Jackson for a few years and things are not looking great; you are bored, lonely, and have very little to look forward to but your feeling of numbness stops all of a sudden when Tess and Joel arrive in town. you feel an intense pull towards Tess that makes it impossible for you to remain a loner.

author´s note: this is an alternative reality where Tess and Joel went to Jackson as a platonic duo with the plan to live there indefinitely. Joel has a few appearances with dialogue, him and Tess give off middle aged bestie vibes, reader is kinda depressed about her situation but nothing heavy. also this isn’t about the game, never played it, this is just what Anna’s Tess inspired in me. hope u enjoy! (part 2 can be found here)

warnings: minors dni! smut (reader receiving, fingering), there´s a slight dom/sub vibe going with Tess and reader but only if you squint, not dark at all, spit is involved briefly

word count: 9.5k

honesty was not something you could afford anymore those days. you knew that if anyone had a clue about how you really felt about your life in Jackson, you´d have been called ungrateful or worse, so you kept it to yourself but the ugly truth was that you did not feel grateful, not at all. most days you felt nothing, there was a vast emptiness inside of you and no way to fight it, no way to reach a sense of fulfillment. on paper it was an ideal situation: community based living where everyone feels responsible for everyone, decent food and fresh air, the option to spend time with animals, to take care of kids or elders, to spend evenings drinking tea or having a drink with other people your age, celebrating holidays together, peace, quiet, tranquility. 

it was all ideal in theory, but in praxis it had slowly but surely sucked the life out of you over the years. you´d grown up in a QZ in the south, which was hard in its own right, but you were used to that lifestyle: the tall buildings, the wide spaces, the anonymity, the ability to walk for miles and not reach city limits. living in a small town, a space that confined and regulated, it was wearing you down; you hated that you could never just walk outside without being recognized, without everyone knowing your name and greeting you, expecting a bright smile in return for theirs, you hated the weird cheerful vibe that hung thick in the air at all times, the odd sense of satisfaction that everyone seemed to carry with them despite living through the end of the world, the families that took up the whole town with their domestic sweetness, it all began to piss you off a few weeks into your first year there, but instead of turning cruel or mean, you decided to zone out as best as you could and just keep to yourself. you were not made for that kind of life, you yearned for more, for excitement, for big cities and anonymity and the freedom to move around amongst strangers, you wanted the thrill of something dangerous and surprising, but day in day out, you were bored and lost in your dreams of a different life. 

Jackson didn´t get new arrivals often, so the few times that the town gates opened up to strangers, everyone was highly curious; kids hoping they´d get some new friends their age, a few sleazy guys hoping that hot girls were part of the group, others who were more pragmatic about it just hoping that the newcomers were strong enough to help out with physically demanding jobs. you never really cared, they were all the same to you, but when you heard that Tommy´s brother and his friend were coming, you had to admit you were intrigued, since Tommy and Maria were two of the few people you felt comfortable around. 

you were subtle about it, keeping your distance, but you watched them being toured around town on their first day and you found yourself looking at Joel´s friend more than at him, even though you´d assumed that he was the one you´d pay attention to, considering your interest in seeing who Tommy was related to, but the moment you saw Tess she stuck out you, immediately. it was impossible to explain why, but seeing her confident walk, her stern look, the air of mystery that surrounded her, it was such a contrast to all the other women you´d come across, your whole body had a reaction the sight of Tess. the first time you heard her voice from afar, you thought oh wow. that´s a good fucking voice, the voice of a woman who doesn´t take anyone´s shit. truthfully, it kind of turned you on. 

the first few days of them settling in, it was impossible to get a chance to say hi, people swarmed them wherever they went, so it took about a week until you found yourself nursing a drink at the bar and saw that Tess was standing all alone, just looking around, so without wasting any time you got up and walked over, a little shy, but eager to see what she was like, to hear that voice up close. 

once you were a few feet away from her she locked eyes with you and gave a nod, you almost felt your cheeks flush from the eye contact and tried to act casual as you introduced yourself, followed by “so, how are you liking it here so far?” a little mischievousness in there, like you were trying to get her to admit that it wasn´t all rainbows and sunshine. 

Tess could tell what you were trying to do and it amused her but she chose the diplomatic answer, unsure whether she could trust your discretion, “oh you know. it´s a lot to adjust to after all that time in the QZ. we also had one hell of a journey here so yeah, still processing. but so far I can´t complain” you nodded, “right, you guys must´ve gone through some shit out there. I remember when we came here a few years ago, almost froze to death a few times”, she agreed “yeah it was pretty gnarly. and obviously Joel and I aren´t the youngest anymore, I think we complained about our backs hurting at least 100 hundred times a day, kind of a miracle we didn´t just kill each other honestly”, a laugh from you then.

“well, it´s better now I hope? they gave you a good house, nice beds? I´d assume Tommy saw to that”, she nodded, “oh yeah for sure, listen, after all that, anything seems like a fucking five start hotel to me, I am easy to impress in that regard”. you found yourself standing closer to her than you usually did while talking to people, looking at her with more interest, she was exactly what you´d hoped she´d be: funny, charming, but not in a way that was particularly soft or endearing, a distinct hardness was there, unwavering, and it pulled you closer, you had respect and admiration for that kind of temperament, not just that, but a deep attraction too, you couldn´t remember the last time a woman had had that effect on you. 

there wasn´t much else you could bring up or say, you kept it brief for your first encounter, “anyway, I just wanted to say hi, wish you guys a smooth moving in process and all that. we´ll see each other around I´m sure!” she nodded, something about you was charming to her, “right yes, and thank you. see you around!”. 

you set down your glas on the counter and made your way out of the bar, Tess didn´t think twice about it but an older man who had just gotten his glass of whiskey and overheard the exchange leaned closer to her, “how´d you manage to do that?”. she was confused, “how did I do what?”, the man watched as you walked out of the door, she did too, “I don´t think I´ve ever seen that girl initiate small talk with anyone, and she´s been here for a few years so, you must´ve done something right”. she was taken off guard by that, “really?”, he nodded, “yeah that one´s not a talker, keeps to herself. not that she´s rude or anything, not at all, but socializing.. yeah not her thing, she´s a lone wolf.”, the more he said, the harder it was for Tess to believe him, why would you be more inclined to talk to a random stranger who usually doesn´t seem very inviting, than some nice person who you´ve lived with for years? “okay. and what´s her deal?” she asked, intrigued, he smiled, “well, I´m not one tell people´s business. but from what I just saw, I´m pretty sure you won´t have to try hard to get that info out of her” she nodded, “right. sure. if you say so”

the man took a sip of his drink, muttering “funny girl” as he left Tess standing there, wondering what you´d seen in her that had driven you to start a conversation. next to Joel, she was often keenly aware of her lack of charm, he had no trouble fitting in with everyone in Jackson, that southern hospitality reminiscent of his old life, the Texas Joel coming out again, whereas she could tell that some people were a little intimidated by her, by her potential judgment or lack of enthusiasm over her new home. Tess knew she was not the best at first impressions, so the idea that someone in that town might have taken a genuine liking to her just by looking at her, she had to admit, it felt really good. partially because you were one of the only women she´d seen so far that she´d consider her type. 

the next morning in the dining hall Tess sipped her black coffee, glancing over at you a few times, before setting the cup down and clearing her throat. “hey”, she tapped Joel on the shoulder, who turned to her, mumbling his words because his mouth was still half full, “yeah, what is it?”, “what do you make of her?” Tess asked, pointing at you. you sat a few tables away from them and had no idea you were being watched, Joel studied your expression for a moment, “hm. I don´t know. seems kinda tired. and I don´t mean from a lack of sleep” Tess nodded, “yeah, seems that way”, she paused for a moment but she trusted Joel, so she continued, “this thing happened yesterday, she talked to me and apparently she hardly talks to anyone. strange huh?”, he considered it, “interesting. well, if you ask me you should see what that´s about. I mean, what do you have to lose, hm? seems like she could use a friend. or you know…”.

she knew what that last part was insinuating and threw him a look that said very funny, he teased her a little, “oh, don´t act like a saint Tess, I know you wouldn´t pay attention like this to any random person. and I don´t blame you, she´s very pretty”, “okay, watch it old man” she said, a sudden harshness to her tone. Joel knew exactly how to rile her, he laughed, patting her on the back as he stood up, “don´t worry, she´s all yours. come on now, let´s go, we´re on for patrol, you can continue your ruminating out there”, she waved him off “you know what, forget I ever mentioned it” but part of her enjoyed it, it had been ages since anyone had caught her attention, since there´d been banter like that between her and Joel over breakfast. 

the next night, there was a bigger get together, most people either drank or danced or sat around tables in small groups, and you tried your best to join in on it but after about an hour you felt the urge to leave, so you stood outside on your own for a short while, debating whether to go back in and say goodbye or just do an Irish exit. about 10 minutes after you went out there, someone else followed: Tess. she had the same issue, not really being one for parties or large gatherings, so it was a pleasant surprise for her, to see someone else standing there. 

“air got a bit thick in there” Tess said as she approached you, taking a deep breath, hands in her pockets, standing to your side, you looked at her, making a “hm” sound of agreement, she continued “oh by the way, I might be totally wrong but I thought out of everyone here you might be the one who´d appreciate this thing I found in my bag yesterday” she pulled something out of her jacket pocket, at first you couldn´t see but then you realized she was holding out a pack of cigarettes to you, “take it, I don´t need them. but I have a feeling you might”, you smiled, “do I give off that energy?”, “kinda yeah” she admitted, you took the pack, pulling one out, “and you´d be right. hell I´d take any drug at this point but this is a good start”, she got out a lighter, stepping closer to you, holding out her hand to shield the flame, “come here”, you liked the sound of that, the tone of an order, you blushed as you leaned closer to her, you didn´t make eye contact but she took in the sight of your face up close, your lips, before you stepped away again and took a drag, exhaling slowly with a sound of pleasure, “yeah this is good, thank you”, after a moment of silence you met her eyes again.

 “so, I heard you and Joel did some pretty fucked up shit back in the QZ”, that got the first genuine laugh out of Tess in a good while, everyone else in Jackson had danced around the topic, never explicitly mentioning their past as smugglers, probably to pretend that they were just a normal middle aged man and woman, but there you were, getting straight to the point, and it was refreshing, to hear someone speak that frankly. somehow she felt like you shared a language, “you could say that yeah”, you were curious, “ever killed someone?”, “of course” she responded without thinking twice, and for a moment she regretted it, scared of your reaction, but when she saw that you were grinning she thought oh no, I don´t have to censor myself at all around this girl at all.

“do you still have a gun?” you asked, raising your eyebrows at her, daring her to say the truth. she eyed you, debating whether to lie, knowing that it wasn´t encouraged to have weapons like that in Jackson, since it didn´t mix well with the pacifist vibe, her voice giving away that it was a clear yes, “but shh”, holding her index finger to her lips, you nodded, smiling “sure I won´t tell. that is if you let me hold it sometime”, she crossed her arms, impressed by your audacity, “oh I see we´re negotiating now, are we?”, you shrugged, “hey, I´ll give you something in return, anything really, just ask”, she turned your words over in her head for a second, wondering if they were as suggestive as she hoped they were.

 “right, okay I´ll think about it. have you ever fired one?”, you shook your head “no, we left the QZ when I was 17, too early to get into any of that”, she perked up, “right, I meant to ask you about that. what´s your story, how´d you end up here?”. you tried to summarize it well, not wanting to bore her with the whole thing, but from the way she was looking at you then, you realized you had her undivided attention, “the short version is this: my parents died a few years before I came here. I was too young to live on my own back then, like 14, so this girl I was friends with, her parents took me in. then when I was 17 they said they knew people here, that our life be better. they didn´t force me, I had a choice, but I would have been on my own and I was scared so I came here. we got along fine but I could tell they were sort of relieved when I suggested I should live on my own here, so yeah, that´s what happened” she took the words in, “I´m sorry. all of that must´ve been rough at that age” she felt a pain her heart, imagining you that young, already confronted with that much loss and change, it was starting to make sense, why you seemed sort of numb to everything, why a happy-go-lucky outlook didn´t really suit you. but she also respected you for it, knowing what it took to rebuild your life after a rupture like that. 

“can i say something really fucked up?” you said, taking another drag of the cigarette before flicking it away and rubbing your hands together to stay warm, she grinned, increasingly charmed by you, “please do, I´ve had enough polite chit-chat today”.

that encouraged you to be really honest, “I regret coming here. I wish I´d have been brave enough to stay back, make my way on my own. I am miserable here in ways I never was back then. it´s fucked up I know, considering all this” you gestured towards the fairy lights hung on a house across the street, the snow, the peaceful air of the moment, “but it´s the truth” a shaky exhale, like you were physically releasing tension by confessing that thought. 

Tess instinctively got closer to you, she was very interested in your thoughts then, “what do you miss?”, you had a wistful look in your eyes, “everything. minding my business and being left alone, walking for hours without seeing anyone I know, the wide spaces, the way nobody pretended that life was great, the fact that people were allowed to be openly frustrated with shit. here it seems almost blasphemous to say that you´re pissed off or angry about how your life turned out, back then it was a shared feeling of well, we´re in this hell together, you know? I don´t know man, I just don´t fit in here I think”.

it made sense to her what you were saying, she could feel some of it to be true for herself, “yeah I´ll be honest you don´t seem like the rest of them here”, you looked up at her then, “I don´t?” she shook her head, “no. if none of this ever happened I´d imagine you to be the type to end up in New York or some other big city with some cool friend group, going out a lot, hanging out in cafes all day, something like that” you groaned, “jesus don´t stay that you´ll make me cry”, she laughed, placing a sympathetic hand on your shoulder, her grip stronger than you expected, a heat where her fingers pressed into your skin through your jacket, “sorry, I´ll stop. but you get what I mean”, “yeah, I do, thank you. feels good to say it all out loud for once”, “well, then I´m glad. also I won´t lie, Joel is better fit for this place than I am, so you´re not alone. but then again, I´m older, I get that for someone your age it´s especially shitty to be stuck in this suburban kind of living, with no way out”. she was spot on. 

“well, I might have to ask you to tell me some stories about your life then, to live vicariously” you smiled at her, batting your eyelashes for dramatic effect, she was not immune to it, “right, some lovely stories about breaking people´s bones during fights” she joked, your eyes had a twinkle in them then, she clocked it and wondered for a second if the idea of her violent past might actually be part of what made you like her, find her attractive. “tell me more..” you said, your voice clearly signaling that you weren´t shocked but intrigued, Tess thought about what she could share, “well most of it is the same story of dumb luck mixed with slightly above average shooting skills, but one time I somehow managed to win a fight when the guy had a gun and I only had a knife. one of my sweeter memories” she joked, you nodded, “impressive. I´d like to see that” you meant it, she shook her head, “believe me you wouldn´t, it´s not glamorous, sounds much cooler than it looked”. you looked at each other for a moment, the night air was cold, you were both shifting your weight and clasping your hands together to stay warm, since apparently neither of you wanted to suggest going back inside or home.

Joel was the one to interrupt the moment. he swung the door open, looking around and seeing Tess standing there with you, giving you both a nod, waiting to see if Tess was gonna leave with him, both of you could feel that it might be time to call it a night, “well, I think that´s my cue” she said, you nodded, “yeah, I should get going too”, pointing in the direction of your house, “but it was nice talking to you” she agreed, “I´m sure we´ll run into each other again soon, would be pretty hard not to in this small ass town” you laughed, glad that she was willing to engage in some light shit talking “exactly, see you around”. 

“sorry, didn´t mean to cockblock you there” Joel said with a smugness about him as they started walking, Tess slapped him on the arm for that one, muttering “shut up” under her breath. “but on a real note, I asked Tommy about her and he couldn´t tell me shit. only that it took a while for her to warm up to them and now they´re friends, sort of. apparently she´s real smart, has read about every damn book in town, good on horseback, other than that he couldn´t tell me much.” that description didn´t mix at all with the fact that you´d just been so open with her, that you´d had no issue telling her about your deep feelings, it was dawning on her that you actually did behave differently around her, that you seemed to trust her for some reason. 

“we talked a little. she´s cool” she said plainly, trying to sound casual, he let her believe she did, “Tommy said people are kinda intimidated by her” Tess looked at him, “really?”, to her it seemed absurd but she could see why others might feel differently, “hmm” he said, “reminds me of someone else I know” nudging Tess in the side as they kept walking, she smiled to herself, not letting him see it, but he was right, something about you seemed surprisingly familiar, it kind of impressed her that your instincts had been sharp enough to pick up on it that quickly. part of her was grateful, it was good to know that regardless of where things would go with you, she´d always be able to count on having someone to have a good chat with, to be her true self with for a moment. 

the next few days you saw each other a few times, on the street in passing, in the dining hall, and Tess quickly realized why others might be hesitant to approach you; there was a stark contrast between how´d you acted that night talking to her, compared your vibe during the day. your expression was not grumpy but not inviting either, there was a clear distance that you kept between yourself and everyone else, you were polite, but whenever she saw you interacting with people there was none of that charm that you´d had with her, your eyes didn´t sparkle, your face was way less expressive, you seemed mellow, a little depressed to her, like you´d rather be on your own. she kept thinking back to how you´d smiled at her and it haunted her, the fact that you didn´t do it for anyone else. she didn´t want to admit it to herself but she wanted to talk to you again, she was dying for some excitement herself, the domestic life in Jackson wasn´t making her yearn for more as well, so about a week later she gave in. Tess had an idea about how she might get some genuine joy into your system. 

by the time Tess knocked on your door it was about 09:30 pm. it took a while for you to answer but she saw that a light was on so she was patient, standing there until you cracked the door open, a few visible marks from a pillow on your cheek, “oh fuck sorry did I wake you?” you shook your head, glad to see her, trying to fully wake up, “no, I mean.. kind of, I fell asleep on the couch” she laughed, “falling asleep before 10, huh? how old are you again?”, you squinted your eyes at her, “did you come here to make fun of me, or-?”, clearly not really bothered by her razzing you, “not strictly, no. I have a surprise. go put on a jacket, and a scarf too while you´re at it, it´s fucking cold” you nodded, trying to understand what her plan was, “a surprise?”, “well don´t think too big it´s nothing crazy, but yeah”, “okay wait, give me one second” you left the door open and quickly got dressed, a smile on your face then, you had no idea what was happening but you were just happy to see her again, to be sought out by her, so you hurried out and shut the door, following her. 

as you started walking you exchanged a few formalities, then you asked “where´s your buddy?” in a sort of teasing tone, she threw you a look from the side, “my buddy” she imitated in a low tone, “he´s with his brother. Maria isn´t feeling well, and I don´t need to be the only woman at that table, I really don´t” you laughed, “right, I get that. so what are we doing?” you asked, trying to suss out where she was leading you but it looked like you were heading towards the stables, she didn´t bother answering your question, “people won´t bother us there at this hour right?” she said, seemingly worried you might get caught doing something. you knew she wasn´t shameless or desperate enough to just lead you somewhere in public to hook up with you, but still, part of you liked the double meaning of the sneaking around, trying to find a place where you wouldn´t be disturbed, “no, I actually sometimes go to the horses at night when I can´t sleep. it´s kinda relaxing” that was an endearing image to her, you amongst those big animals, maybe petting them or talking to them, “yeah, I heard you´re good with them”, a prideful smile flickered across your face for a second “I guess yeah. I never really got the craze about dogs, I like them more, they´re strong but quiet about it”, that way of putting it amused her, she met your eyes; it didn´t escape her that that description also fit her. 

once you reached the stables and went inside, she walked over to you, close enough to face you. that was the first moment that night you actually took a good look at her; she looked hot even though barely an inch of her skin was visible, a forest green flannel was peaking out of her brown oversized jacket, she was wearing jeans that looked worn in, fit her perfectly, her face was flushed from the ice cold air, her long hair falling down her face in waves, the wind had messed it up a little, you were staring as she spoke, “so, I´m gonna need you to close your eyes and hold out your hands for me” you were clearly confused by that “huh? are you joking?”, she shook her head, “no, go on, do it”, so you did, not arguing about it, and she liked it, seeing you take her instruction without much questioning, your palms open, facing up, Tess could´ve done anything, she almost reached out and took your hands in hers, but she got her mind back to what the actual plan was before she could slip up and do it.

you could hear her reaching for something inside of her jacket, “okay, don´t be shocked it´s a little cold and a little heavy” you were out of ideas, no clue what was gonna be placed in your hands, a moment later you felt something that was clearly metal of some sort, holding it tentatively at first, “okay, open your eyes” she was standing a bit further away then, watching your reaction, and it was worth it: you jaw dropped when you realized she´d placed her gun in your hand. 

“you know, keeping up my end of the deal” you recalled that you´d jokingly told her to let you hold it but you didn´t think she´d actually do it. it wasn´t a small one either, you started tracing its features with your index fingers, inspecting it up close, fascinated, she watched you, a grin, “you like it, don´t you?” it was clear from your expression that you did, her suspicions about you not being easily shocked by anything confirmed, you nodded, “is it loaded?”, “hmm” she confirmed, and that really surprised you. she had basically handed you a lethal weapon that she knew you had no practice with, enough trust in you to believe you wouldn´t put her in danger, even though she hardly knew you. 

Tess moved to sit down on a stack of hay, keeping her eyes on you, “okay, now give me your best pose”, “huh??” you said, staring at her. “you know, show me how you´d yield that thing. just pretend I am some freak who is about to attack you”, you lowered your eyes, “right that should be easy”, she smiled, leaning back against the wall, manspreading, “I´m waiting”, an authoritativeness to her tone that made it impossible to deny her request. 

you felt a sense of embarrassment, hyper aware of your body because of her unflinching gaze, but it wasn´t entirely unpleasant, there was a heat to it too, so you relaxed your muscles and actually thought about how you´d behave, getting a feel for the gun, holding it out, not pointed at her but next to her, shifting your stance a little, closing one eye, a nod of approval from her, “not bad, not bad at all actually. I might have just recruited you if you´d been back in my QZ”, you grinned, dropping your arms, standing more naturally again, “then you don´t have very high standards if this is all it would take”, Tess stood up, “yeah, maybe I don´t”, moving closer to you, “do that again please”, she watched from up close then, “there´s just one thing I´d change, and then you´re good to shoot the shit out of something, or someone. here”, before you knew what was going on, she knelt down next to you and used both of her hands to roughly push your leg into a stance that would support your weight better, that would make it harder for someone to push you over. the feeling of her manhandling you like that shot a wave of adrenaline through your whole body, you almost asked her to keep her hands on your knee because it felt so good, even thought there was a thick fabric between her skin and yours, it felt just as thrilling as if she´d touched your bare leg. 

“yeah that´s better” she said, glancing up and down your body, “suits you. you should get into some shady business if you ever leave this place” she said, only half joking, admittedly a little turned on from seeing you like that,  “you´re really corrupting me here, huh? and you didn´t see me shoot yet, I might be god awful” she shrugged “oh we could work on that. maybe we´ll end up on patrol together one day, you could go off on some trees, practice” you laughed, “sure, sounds great”, the idea actually did seem pretty good to you, being out there far away from everyone with her for a while, doing something sort of forbidden, there was a clear intrigue in you and she could sense it, a pride swelling in her over the fact that her plan to get you to loosen up and have some fun had worked, she´d gotten through to you again, that smile back on your face that she hadn´t seen all week, that she´d admittedly missed and daydreamed about a few times. 

Tess was at a point in her life where she rarely felt angry about her circumstances, she was way past that, there was a general philosophy of it is what it is that she subscribed to, but because of you it was different all of a sudden, there was an anger about the world that you had reawakened in her. all she could think of the days after first talking to you was that she wished that the outbreak had never happened, that you´d have gotten to live the way people in their 20s lived back then: going out to bars with friends, spending hours out and about, studying, walking around town, going to see films in theaters, going to concerts, taking road trips, traveling, the list of things she wished you could go out there and experience was endless and it pissed her off, that someone clever like you was destined to just wither away, nothing to look forward to, no big dreams to go after. Tess could tell you´d have built a beautiful vibrant life for yourself if you´d have just gotten the chance, and she knew she couldn´t give you a miracle, but she knew she could give you something. you evidently saw something in her that you wanted, and she would try to do her best to give it to you. pulling you out of your house at night to have some stupid fun was a start. you sat down next to her on the stack of hay then, fidgeting with some pieces of it, the gun resting in your lap.

“so, you must have been pretty bored if this was your idea for a Friday night” you said, teasing, she raised her eyebrows, looking at you from the side, you were sitting close enough for you to see her eye color for the first time, “well, if there´s a secret exciting nightlife around here that i could have explored instead, please do enlighten me” you laughed, “yeah no, staying up past 12 am is as about as wild as nights can get here”, she nodded “sounds about right”, busying her hands with rubbing her legs that had gotten a little cold. “you know I get it, what you said, about having that kinda fucked up nostalgia for the QZ. I would never say this to anyone here because I really am grateful for their kindness but yeah. I do miss a few things about our old life” she seemed lost in thought, you felt for her but you were also relieved to have some comradery for once, after years of only thinking about these things, never sharing them with anyone, you spoke up “yeah I´ll be real with you, at this point I even miss the fear of walking around darker secluded parts of the city and possibly ending up in a fight. I would take a punch right over another night of not knowing what to do with myself” she let out a genuine laugh, your honesty was refreshing, attractive even, she´d never been a fan of sugar coating things.

“I hear you, I also miss the thrill of certain things, I am not great at just being content and settled. maybe I was when I was younger but yeah. things changed”, she was staring into space but you were looking at her, enjoying the feeling of being close to her, it was a peaceful scene, you two surrounded by silence, only the faint sounds of horses moving, the smell of earth and fresh air and hay, something comforting and serene about it, you patted her leg sympathetically, “but you´ll be fine, I can tell, you´re tough” she turned to look at you then, the feeling of your hand on her instantly pulling her out of her thoughts, your expression was soft, it had been a while since someone had looked at her like that, “that I am, yes” she said, a slight grin. 

she pointed towards your chest “okay that jacket really isn´t warm enough, you´re shivering”, you hadn´t realized because you were so lost in the joyful feeling of being with her, but she was right, your body had quickly grown cold from just sitting there, “do you have a fireplace in your house?” she asked, “no, just some heaters that only work half the time. wait, do you?”, “yeah, I think Joel left it on earlier so the rooms would warm up a little”, “damn, it really does pay off to come here as a relative of someone in town huh? they gave you the fancier kind of house”, “guess so. so much for everyone being equal around here, right?” she joked, you smiled, “I mean I´ll share our luxuries, gladly, you could come warm up if you want. jesus your hands are red” she said, holding one of your your hands in both of hers, shielding it from the icy air, your breath hitched as you felt her skin on yours, she rubbed your hand a little in attempt to get the blood flow going again, “yeah no, we´re going inside, I won´t be responsible for giving you fucking hypothermia out here, come” she said, pulling you up, the word “we” swirling around in your head, all those details you pick up on when you like someone, the first time of her referring to the two of you as a union, as “we”. 

you almost felt dizzy from that whole exchange, by the sudden tenderness, her worry for your well being. most nights you could have sat there for hours and nobody would´ve come to bother you or check on you, but there she was, watching out for you, paying attention. after so many years on your own, day after day of floating around, never being tethered to someone, it was almost overwhelming, to be touched, to be seen, taken care of in some small way. 

you both walked fast, clouds of smoke from your breath in the air, the streets empty, indirect light from a few windows illuminated the snowy road little, “okay almost there” Tess said as you approached their house. she was relieved that it was dark, since it meant Joel wasn´t home yet and she would have hated nothing more than her one on one time with you being cut short. 

once you were inside, she turned on a few smaller lights in favor of the big overhead one, “don´t be shy, make yourself comfortable” gesturing towards the fireplace where a medium sized flame was slowly burning away, the couch only a few feet away from it, “want a drink?” she asked from across the room as she made her way towards the kitchen, “uh, sure yeah” you answered, while scanning the room. it was clear that they´d just moved in, but it was cozy nonetheless, lots of old wooden furniture, a few clothes thrown over the chairs, a few pretty pink flowers on the dining table, probably a housewarming gift from someone. 

you got rid of your jacket and crouched down in front of the fire, warming your hands for a second, feeling the heat on your face, which almost hurt since your body temperature was a sharp contrast, but very shortly after you could feel your cheeks flushing, your hands getting less stiff, your muscles relaxing. as Tess walked back into the room she smiled to herself, the view of you doing that endearing to her, “nice huh?”, she asked, “yeah I think I could fall asleep on the floor right here” you mused as you got up to join her on the couch. she held out a drink to you, which looked better than you´d expected: a few ice cubes, a slice of lemon, you didn´t bother asking what was in it, you just leaned on the armrest of the couch, pulled your legs up onto the cushions and took a big sip as she did the same. you both exhaled at the same time after, “damn, this is better than the drinks at the bar” she was flattered, “well, I´ve learned a thing or two about improvising with whatever ingredients I have access to. she was quicker than you with downing the contents of the glass, clearly not a lightweight, you set yours down too after a few more sips. she had also gotten comfortable, her arm lazily thrown over the back of the couch, an achingly hot pose for her to be in, the way a lot of guys usually sat, it had been a long time since you´d come across a woman like her and it was waking something in you up, slowly but surely.

“you should be careful with being a good host. I might start showing up here more than you´d like. you know, that thing of not feeding stray cats because otherwise they´ll wait on your doorstep every day” she laughed, amused by that comparison, “well, I happen to like cats, so” there was a longer, charged pause after she said that in a tone low enough to make it clear she wasn´t just saying it plainly, that there was a clear double meaning in there. you both just looked at each other, neither of you breaking eye contact, but also not growing nervous either, it was comfortable to share a wordless moment of connection, the light of the fire drenching your facial features in a golden hue, not helping either of you with your painfully intense attraction. “can I ask you a question, and you promise to answer it honestly?” you smiled, tilting your head, “sure” you had nothing to lose, you´d tell her whatever she wanted to hear. “why are you so different with me than with the others?” she asked, a seriousness to it, not letting you off the hook, her eyes remaining on yours.

you thought for a second, the truth seemed simple to you, “well, I like you”. she shook her head, “no, that´s not a good enough answer, try again. I´m not daft, I can tell you like me, what I asking you is why”. you pointed at her then, “well there is one reason, I like that you tell me to do things, that you aren´t timid or weirdly careful with me” she nodded slowly, something dawned on her, “okay I see, you like when I boss you around, huh?”, you shrugged, “perhaps”. she was alert then, her posture shifting to a more upright position, instinctively leaning a bit closer to you since the conversation had turned in a way that was affecting her on a deeper level, “I mean-” you continued, “on a more heartfelt note, when I saw you interacting with people I just felt that there was a strength to you that I´d rarely seen in anyone else, makes me feel at ease. I guess there´s something secure about you, something solid and.. I don´t know calming. I like being around people who are stronger than me, not just physically, I don´t always need to be the tough one in the roomm you know, I really don´t” you leaned your head back against the cushions then, turning to face her, looking up at her, and she was in awe of how your entire physicality had changed, how pretty much all of your walls had come down, you looked almost angelic to her in that moment, she shook her head a little, a gentle smile as she spoke in a quiet voice, “they all got you so wrong, huh?”, “how so?” you asked, remaining in your comfortable position, without hesitation she reached out and caressed your cheek, softly, “you´re such a sweet girl. and they have no idea”. you were entirely hers then, it was done, the feeling of her fingers on your face, the deep affection, the way she´d figured you out completely, you were melting right in front of her, hardly anyone had ever called you sweet, she could see in your face that she´d hit you right in the heart, “not for just anyone” you said, earnestly, weight to her words, wanting her to know it was special for you, to let someone in.

she nodded, her hand still on your face, “you want me to take care of you, hm?”, you nodded, your eyes like you were looking up at a god, pleading for mercy, for light, for love, her whole body was flooded with warmth and not because of the fire, “nobody´s ever given you what you really need, right?”, it was like she was reading you, saying all the deepest most intimate things you´d never dared to express, to anyone, pulling them out of you, she brushed her thumb over your lower lip, watching every last bit of composure leave your spirit. the moment her hand left your skin you looked devastated, a satisfied smile on her face as she leaned back, letting you sit in the feeling that had just crashed over you because of her, before giving you a gentle order, “come here” she said, her hand waving you closer, and the moment she said it you climbed over to her, reaching for her but before you could decide what to do, she already had her hands firmly on the back of your head, eagerly pulling you in for a kiss, fully in control, you didn´t have to do anything but lean into it, her lips warmer and softer than you expected, but a clear force in there, she kenw you didn´t need it to be slow and chaste, she knew you needed it visceral and intense, your hands found her neck as you opened up for her, the kiss turning sloppy and needy in an instant, the taste of her hot and sweet, a residue of liquor on her tongue, you didn´t even try to suppress any sounds as her tight grip slowly turned you into a desperate mess, once you seperated to get some air you just stared at each other, out of breath, skin on fire, faces glowing, eyes lowered like you were fixing prey.

without much time to lose you pulled your shirt over your head, you wanted her to see you, it had been ages since anyone had admired your naked form, and you were dying to give yourself over to her, for someone to make use of your body, to derive pleasure from it, once you were left topless, only your lower half still clothed, Tess felt a deep reverence for you, leaning closer to slowly run her hand from the top of your chest down over your tits, resting it there, marveling at you “god. you´re fucking perfect..”, your breath was shallow, an impatience growing in you, so you closed the distance to kiss her again, feeling her grab your tits rather hard, yet somehow the passion was not enough for you yet even though you were already practically devouring each other, so you pulled away, your lips still apart as you said something you had never said before.

“spit in my mouth” you practically begged her, your tone not playful or provocative but earnest, an urgency to it, she was barely inches from you and realized that you weren´t asking her to degrade you, you were offering up total submission to her, it was something of an honor, to be the sole witness of your surrender, so she placed her hands on the sides of your face, looking down at you, almost cradling your head, your tongue flat, like you were waiting to take communion, she didn´t do it with force or malice, letting her saliva drip into your mouth slow and thick like honey, watching you take it, without any hesitation you closed your mouth and swallowed, it felt natural, right, to try and become one with her like that, to feel some part of her running down your throat, Tess was staring down at you with nothing but pure adoration by that point, she didn´t even have to tease you or edge you to give yourself up, nothing, you had done it out of your own want, which turned her on even more than if she´d had to push you, “such a good girl, aren´t you?” she cooed, fingers in your hair, your hands on her back, your eyes went wide as she said that, it didn´t escape her, that she´d hit gold, “say that again” you pleaded, a smile from her then as she leaned close to your ear, her voice sultry and deep, a whisper “good girl”, one of her hands lower on your body then, your chest flushed from arousal.

“I thought about this all week” you confessed, feeling her mess with the waistband of your jeans, “yeah, what did you do while thinking about me?” she teased as her hand slipped into your underwear, a sharp breath in from you, it was hard to speak, so she pressed further, “something like this?”, her fingers finding your wetness then, getting coated it in, slowly moving them up and down, teasing you, you nodded, moans starting to leave you, “feels better when I do it, hm?”, “yes” you uttered, before another desperate sound escaped you, her movements were steady and skilled, not erratic, creating a delicious ache in your core, your nails starting to dig into her back as she had you pinned to the couch, “please Tess..” you begged, it was clear that you needed more, she could feel her fingers practically dripping from your slickness by that point, so she pushed two of them into you, not too fast, but her fingers were bigger than yours so there was a moment of pain, but you took it, letting her go knuckle deep, she could tell you´d winced a little at first, “look at you, all quiet and behaved” she praised, “you can be louder sweetie, it´s okay” she encouraged, not minding a little whining, you relaxed a little as she started figuring out how best to fuck you, finding a rythm that would suit you, to get you to unravel, a heartfelt “fuck..” from you as she hit a certain spot, she leaned down to kiss your neck then as she kept her fingers at that angle, hitting your weak spot, drinking up all the sweet sounds you were making for her, the scent of your skin driving her crazy as she left kisses all over your throat, easy access since your head was thrown back. 

your moans were turning into cries as you felt yourself throbbing around her fingers, the heat at your core growing more intense each time she pushed into you, the feeling of being trapped beneath her, her lips and teeth on the side of your neck, her hand drawing out a pleasure unlike you´d ever felt, it all left you helpless and shaking in the face of your approaching climax, “fuck Tess” you got out, she could feel you clenching around her fingers, “it´s okay, I got you”, she pulled back to watch you then, a vulnerability to it as your hips moved up more violently, a few harder thrusts into you got you to claw into her back and shudder as you came around her fingers, a deep satisfaction in her as she saw your face twist in pleasure, your mouth open, your hair all messed up; it was all she needed to almost cum herself, that sight, burned into her mind already.

 once your muscles went slack she moved her fingers from inside of you to your clit, a few last lingering touches as you felt the aftershocks of the orgasm until Tess let go of you, slowly moving to her side of the couch, knowing that some people need a little space after they cum, but in that moment, with her, you didn´t; the second you regained some strength you got up and moved over to put your hands on around neck and look at her up close, not a care in the world about the fact that you were still topless, an exhausted but bright smile on your face, she shook her head, hands on your bare waist, “god, you´re fucking killing me..” she admitted, you cocked your head, “am I? I haven´t even returned the favor yet” you said, a grin, “no need, I got what I wanted, trust me”, she said, caressing you, “makes two of us then” you whispered before kissing her again, slower than before, a laziness to it, it was late, you were both tired, but blissed out, content, holding onto each other. 

after a moment she urged you to put your shirt back on, not wanting you to get cold, even though she missed your skin the second she moved her hand away from your back. once you were dressed again you came back to your senses a little, a giddiness to you then, both of you almost shy for a second, laughing at the same time, sitting there next to each other, a little in disbelief, “you know having no friends and no relatives around here has its perks, I won´t have to justify this to anyone” you joked, she raised her eyebrows, “well good on you sweetheart, me on the other hand, I doubt Joel would love to explain to his brother that the friend that he vouched for is messing around with the girls here”, you feigned shock, “girls? i´m one of many, huh?” she laughed, “you know what I mean”, you nodded, “sure, I get it, you could try blaming it on me, just say I relentlessly pursued you”, “right, so kind of the truth, hm?” she teased, “fuck off” you said, pushing her in the side, but smiling still, “you were the one who showed up late at night, not me” she couldn´t argue with that, “right”, “I mean, not that I´m complaining, do it again any time you want please”, she nodded, smiling “if you insist”. you both just sat there for a moment, absentmindedly holding hands, until you realized how late it had gotten and that Joel must be getting home soon, “I should probably go, I doubt you wanna explain this to your roomie”, an ironic emphasis on the last word, she laughed, “right, no, let´s save that for another time.”

Tess wished she could have told you to stay, but she knew it would have been awkward as hell for all three of you to be in the same house, so she let you get up to go put on your jacket and shoes, watching you from the couch. before you could leave, you went back over to her once more to lean down and kiss her goodbye, a tender gesture that you wouldn´t have just done for a hook up and she could tell, still in awe of how willing you were to be like that with her, “I´l see you tomorrow then?” she asked, obviously counting on it, “yes, and if not I´ll find you”, she caressed your cheek “good. but have a good night first, sleep well”, you turned to leave as you said “you too. and thank you, for.. well everything”, feeling her loving gaze on your back as you went outside, the cold air hitting you in the face so hard you didn´t even realize that Joel was approaching the house until you were only a few feet away from him,, too lost in your feelings for Tess to feel embarrassed or weird about it, giving him a nod, he suppressed a grin, opting for a polite smile instead as he made his way past you up the stairs, “have a good rest of the night” he said, “yeah, you too!” you answered, barely aware of his presence as the feeling of Tess all over you was still clouding your mind. 

the moment he walked through the door, Tess was a little scared of his reaction to having seen you come out of their house at that hour, but he dropped his jacket over a chair and said “well you sure as hell didn´t waste any time, huh?, his tone giving away that he was amused, relief washing over Tess as he flopped down onto the couch next to her, that familiar groan from him at the end of a long day. “so I take it this is your way of telling me you´re okay with me having her over?” she asked, eyeing him, he realized she´d been unsure whether he´d be mad or not, it was a funny thought to him, since Tess was so rarely timid around him, “I don´t mind, you can have her here. I mean, she´s not bad to look at, so I won´t complain”, she shot him a glare “you keep your eyes to yourself when she´s here, got it?” he laughed, “god that poor girl has no idea what she´s in for, with your possessive ass”.

she grinned, “oh please, she loves it”, he considered it, stretching out his legs, getting comfortable, “guess she does. man, you really found your match in her, huh? you two are a bit insane for this, but hey, I respect it, gotta find joy one way or another” she could tell he meant it, “exactly. maybe you should give it a try too, I saw at least a handful of women turning to look back at you the past few days” he shook his head, “no, thank you. I´ll leave the midlife thing of dating young girls to you”, shedidn´t fight him on it, “fine, I´m better at it anyway” she teased back, “judging from that smile that was frozen on that girl´s face you might actually be right”, she liked hearing that, “oh really?”, he nodded, “you should feel really good about yourself my friend, two weeks here and you already cracked the supposedly toughest one of them all” she leaned back, closing her eyes, enjoying the feeling of the fire and the familiar vibe with Joel and the memory of you, thinking about how only she had gotten to see your true core, that beautiful look on your face, only for her. she knew she´d have to show you just how grateful she was for making her arrival in Jackson that much better than she had dared to hope for.

Tess was not a spiritual person, but somehow it did seem like fate of some sort, that you two had ended up in the same place and understood each other so instinctively, that both of you slept much better that night knowing someone else in that town would always see you for who you really were. 

[everythingmp3]

𝕤𝕟𝕖𝕒𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕒𝕣𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕕 ✧

adult!Van x fem!reader (smut)

when you return home for the summer and your parents tell you that a friend of theirs will be staying over for a while, you don´t think much of it. that is until you meet her and it becomes impossible to be around her without trying to get her attention.

minors dni. warnings: filth but no bottom/top dynamic (tit sucking, thigh riding, etc.)

author´s note: I missed her so here I am, back to pushing the adult Van agenda <3 I was in the mood for something fun flirty etc. so thats the vibe I went for, hope you like it!

after a stressful last few weeks of the semester, you were glad to finally be going back home to your parents place for the summer. when you called them a few days before coming back they briefly mentioned something about an old friend of theirs, Van, who´d be staying over for a week because she was in the area and they hadn´t seen each other in a while. you didn´t think twice about it, it was a regular occurance for them to have people over for a few days. your own plans mostly included sleeping in, relaxing in the garden, doing nothing for once, but that was only partly what was going to happen that first week of being home.

the day that Van arrived you’d been out for dinner with a friend from high school, so by the time you came home it had gotten late and you walked in on your parents and her standing in the kitchen, laughing, having a drink. the moment Van turned around and smiled at you, you thought what the fuck. it took you a moment to speak but you recovered, somewhat. 

you introduced yourself to her and asked a few polite questions, but the whole time you were thinking why the fuck didn´t they tell me they were inviting a hot lesbian? couldn´t they have given me a warning?, but then you realized: of course your parents had no clue that you were into women that close to their age. 

after a moment of chit-chat you excused yourself to go freshen up and collect your thoughts before joining them again out on the terrace to also have a drink and enjoy the sunset. sitting there listening to them talk, you immediately understood why they´d kept in touch with Van even after so many years: she was funny, a dry kind of humor that you enjoyed, she was charming, quick witted, easy to talk to, generally just great company. on top of that she was painfully alluring, her fiery long hair, the faint scars on her cheek, her dark blue eyes, that deep soft voice, it was all getting to you, after a while you were scared you were blushing, but you could´ve just blamed it on the alcohol. 

the good thing was that any amount of enthusiasm you showed while talking to Van just registered as friendly to your parents, you were safe in that regard, they´d never have guessed that your interest went beyond the platonic kind. 

at first you were unsure whether you were her type at all so you didn´t get your hopes up and tried to play it cool, but that night something happened that changed your mind. 

they gave her the guest room next to yours, which meant that you two would share a bathroom. as you got undressed to shower you forgot to lock the door because you weren´t thinking about the fact that someone else was also going to use it, so as you stood there in your underwear the door opened and Van immediately excused herself, overly apologetic “oh fuck I´m so sorry”, but she hesitated just a moment too long before closing the door again; there was one brief second you caught of her gaze scanning your body in a way that made it crystal clear: the attraction was not one-sided. you grinned like an idiot for minutes after, the whole time you showered, thinking back to that flicker of want in her eyes as she took in the sight of you. 

the next morning your choice of outfit was not coincidental. you skipped over the loose t-shirts in favor of a tight tank top, you also fussed with your hair longer than usual, you made a point to put lotion on your arms and legs, to wear a nice fragrance, and when you caught yourself doing all that you almost laughed to yourself, realizing that you were acting like you had a crush, but you didn´t mind, it felt good to be that into someone for once. 

that morning your whole physicality changed because of Van´s presence in the room. the moment you were downstairs helping your parents with breakfast, while they told Van to just sit and wait, you started moving certain ways on purpose: you leaned over the counter when it wasn´t really necessary, you licked some juice off your fingers when you could have just used a towel, when it was time to eat you sat more upright than usual, you were very conscious of your expression, giving her a look while listening to her talk that was way more intense than the kind you´d haven given other guests. 

Van´s poker face was good, but she noticed it, all of it, and she couldn´t believe it. at first she thought she might be imagining things but by the time you were done eating and leaned your head on your hands, looking over at her with your head tilted, all doe-eyed and sweet, she thought: oh no. she knows exactly what she´s doing. 

the first few days of Van´s stay were during the weekend so your parents were off from work and used that time to show her around, to get dinner with her at their favorite restaurant, properly catching up while you were free to do whatever, but by Monday it would be just you and Van in the mornings and afternoons and you were nervous as hell.

Monday morning, you walked down, trying to figure out how to act casual, but when you saw her messing with the coffee machine all nervousness vanished as you found a way to open the conversation: offering to make her that coffee and breakfast. she gladly accepted, talking to you about college, about her store, about films you´d seen lately, watching you as you moved around the kitchen, serving her.

it felt natural, you had no trouble finding plenty of things to talk about and the conversation turned passionate quickly, since you both had strong opinions about pretty much everything that came up. as you both ate you asked her, “so, what I´m gathering is that I shouldn´t put on Netflix around you, hm?” she laughed, “well, you can do whatever you want, I won´t police you, but they don´t have the good stuff. so you´d be wasting your precious time” you leaned forward, eyeing her, amused by that way of putting it, “the good stuff? and what would that be?”, it took her about 0.5 seconds to start listing her favorite 80s and 90s classics, most of which you´d already seen, but you felt like messing with her so you said, “never heard of any of those.”, dead-pan, convincing. her jaw dropped, “what the fuck.. are you being serious??”, you didn´t move a muscle in your face, letting her believe it, taking in her dramatic reaction “okay, I think you need an intervention here”, you laughed then, “oh and you´d be the one doing that yeah?”, she nodded, “I mean you´re off from school I know but you have some serious homework to do here”, you nodded, “right. I´ll report back when I’m done with that list you just gave me. you can quiz me on it then”, she smiled “good idea, I might just do that”. 

you kept talking for a few more minutes as you finished your drinks and put away the plates, but the interesting part was that neither of you dared to ask the other one about dating or romance at all, it was clear that you were both trying to figure the other one out without giving yourself away with questions like, “so, got a girlfriend?”. neither of you wanted to expose yourselves like that, so it stayed mysterious, certain glances, certain suggestive ways of puttings things, giving hints here and there. even though the words didn´t give it away, something was in the air, undeniably. 

you offered her a ride because you were meeting your friend for coffee downtown and had recommended a few places for her to check out nearby, so she agreed, slightly nervous to be sitting that close to you.

usually she was the one driving people around, so it was a nice change, to have you do it for her, too nice she realized, as she kept staring at your hands on the wheel, your arms flexing, your legs pressed against the leather seat. you could tell, suppressing a smile as you felt her enjoying the view, when a few minutes passed and you could still feel her eyes on your side profile you applied some lip balm at a stop light, really taking your time with it, Van thinking jesus christ what is she doing to me as you pressed your lips together, slowly, really drawing the process out. the rest of the afternoon Van tried to forget about it as she walked around a few stores, talked to strangers, had lunch, but the entire time she kept replaying the things you´d said and done earlier, increasingly convinced you were just waiting for her to make a move, trying hard to remind herself it wasn´t a good idea at all to mess around with you under your parent´s roof. 

that day was a particularly hot one, so at night, around 2 am you gave up on sleep and went out onto the balcony that connected your room and Van´s. you just sat there for a few minutes, staring up at the sky, enjoying the soft breeze, until you heard a door creaking and saw Van stepping out. once she saw you she said “oh, I´ll leave you be”, but before she could turn around you said “no, please, come sit!”, patting the empty space next to you on the bench. for a brief second she thought of saying no, knowing that she was getting herself into trouble, seeing you sitting there barely clothed, but she couldn´t do it, she gave in, nodding, sitting down next to you, consciously keeping her knee from touching yours.

“can´t sleep either, huh?” you asked, she shook her head “no, it´s still so fucking hot” running her hands through her hair, wiping some sweat off her forehead. she looked even more attractive to you then than during the day, something about seeing her in that more intimate light.

you agreed “yeah it is”, reaching for your glass of ice water on the table, holding it out to her,“here, have the rest”, she looked at you for a moment, realizing that you were daring her to agree to the casual intimacy of sharing a drink. she took the glass and downed what was left in it in one big gulp, sighing afterwards, “that´s better”, pressing the cold glass against her face for a moment, closing her eyes, soaking it up. you kept looking at her from the side, at her freckles that were very prominent during summer, her nose and cheeks that were a little red from the sun, barely a few inches from your own face. Van could tell you were staring and smiled to herself before setting down the glass and turning to look back at you, “you know, you´re really lucky your parents are so fucking oblivious”. 

“what do you mean?” you asked, your grin giving away that you knew exactly what she meant. she shook her head, “well, you´re not very subtle, let´s put it that way”, she said, her eyes searching yours for a reaction, you shrugged, returning her gaze, “who said I was trying to be?”. 

she kept looking at you, stunned by the sudden confession, “come on. you could be out there with a nice girl your age right now, why don´t you do that, hm?”, she meant it, she was puzzled by your stubborn pursuit, your almost absurd level of flirting, and you realized you had to make it clear to her: that you truly wanted her, that it wasn´t just a game or a fun way to pass the time for you. 

so you shook off any shame that was left in you and leaned closer, placing your palm flat against her thigh, feeling her wince for a moment, her eyes wide, your voice low and quiet, your fingers lightly tracing her skin, a shudder down her spine, “why would I go out there, when I have someone I want right here?”. Van´s breath heavy at that point and you were cruel with it, running your hand up her thigh until she couldn´t take it anymore and grabbed your wrist to stop you. the moment she did that she saw your expression change in an instant, the impact of her touch immediately visible all over your face and it was done, she needed more of that, much more. a sudden clarity: I need to fuck this girl or I´ll go insane. 

she let go of your hand, and reached for your face instead, pulling you in for a kiss, not gentle but hard, determined, the kind that says this is what you asked for, immediately more sexual than romantic, open mouthed, needy, frantically groping at each other within seconds, you pushing yourself up against her, almost climbing onto her lap. the desperation got sounds out of you that quickly became too loud to stay out in the open, you both realized it at the same time and pulled away, panting. “come to my room” you begged her “please”, she nodded, not in the position to deny you any of your wishes, still out of breath, so you pulled her up, leading her inside, closing the door behind you. 

the second you turned around she was all over you again, any hesitation gone by that point, her hands on your lower back, pulling your shirt up, you doing the same to her, both of you tearing the other person´s top off, making out chest to chest for a moment, savoring the feeling, hands roaming, before it got too hot for any stitch of clothing to remain on your bodies. 

Van often stayed somewhat dressed during hook ups, not loving the vulnerability of being totally exposed, but with you it felt different, she didn´t think twice, shorts and underwear quickly piled onto the other clothes on the floor, both of you taking in the sight of the other person for a second,“god you´re fucking beautiful..” Van marveled, as she stepped closer, making you back up onto the bed. 

you laid down flat on your back as she climbed over you, leaning down, trapping you with her arms, seeing you smile up at her, visibly pleased by your successful move on her, a cocky grin spreading across her face that suited her, “you really were dying for this huh?” a teasing tone. Van clearly enjoyed the power she had over you, and you didn´t mind at all, letting her enjoy the feeling of having you at her mercy as she briefly traced your lips with her thumb, feeling you open your mouth for her, the tip of your tongue against her fingers, her eyes turned darker as she watched you turn all submissive and sweet for her, violently turned on by it, before you pulled her down to kiss her again, but Van had other plans. she gave you a few feverish kisses before moving down to your chest, her flat tongue running over one of your tits in broad strokes as she grabbed the other one, an audible “fuck..” from you as she started sucking on the sensitive skin, so eagerly that she was definitely gonna leave a mark or two but she didn´t care, it was too intoxicating, your soft skin between her lips, her tongue circling your nipple, you biting down on your lip to suppress moans that would be too loud, hands in her hair, messing it up as she hummed against your skin, leaving your chest glistening with her spit, so deeply into it that she couldn´t help but lightly bite down a few times, forcing a whimper out of you, practically claiming her territory with the red splotches that were blooming on your skin because of her. 

after a while you couldn´t just lay there squirming under her anymore, you had to do something so you moved to switch, flipping her over and straddling her, kissing her neck as her hands settled on your waist, holding you in place. you were so desperate for her by that point hat you started grinding against her thigh, she could feel you slick against her skin but you were still holding back a little but she reassured you,“don´t be shy with me, I can handle it” moving her leg up a bit to add pressure, you were kissing again by then, moaning into her mouth as you moved on top of her, the friction creating a deep throbbing feeling at your core, a groan from her as she felt how soaked you were getting, spreading it all over her leg, but it wasn´t enough, you needed more, you wanted to really feel her, you were almost whining from it, all delirious with want, “what do you need, hm? tell me sweetie” she cooed, wanting you to get off,“can we-” you weren´t at a place to speak anymore, so you just showed her by getting yourself into position. 

she could see what you were trying to do, helping you by adjusting her legs, making space, almost scared for a second that the sensation would overwhelm her and she was right: the moment you hooked your leg over hers and angled your hips in a way that made your cunts rub up against each other she whispered “oh fuck..” trying to remain somewhat calm but it was too intense, too good, the feeling of your wetness mixing with hers, the warmth of your core spreading into hers, the blurring of where yours ended and hers began, she had to work hard not to remain somewhat composed.

“good?” you inquired, seeing her nod as she let out a breathy “yeah, perfect” as you grabbed her leg and started adding movement to it, rocking against her, feeling her match the motion, a shared loud gasp as your clits met, a shared effort to stay at that exact angle, your hips moving faster then, both of your fingers digging into the other one´s leg to hold on, Van was trying hard not to fully lose her mind but the sensation of you grinding against her as she saw your face twisted in pleasure, your skin glistening in the dim light, the vague outline of the bruises that she´d left on your tits, your whole naked body hers to take in, it was all driving her insane with lust.

she realized that you´d had the exact right idea, after a long hot day it was the best thing, not to exhaust your jaws or arms but to just rub up against each other needily, a sensuality to it that made the whole thing feel like a dream, the room silent except for the the vulgar sound of your soaked lips moving against each other and your barely contained moans, “fuck just like that dont stop” you begged as you found just the right rhythm, your nails digging into her flesh, the kind of pain that just turned her on even more, she couldn´t deny herself the chance to see you unravel completely, so she took the order and added more force to her movement, your clit throbbing by that point, hers too, “you feel so fucking good” she praised “so good..”, breathless as both of you could feel your orgasms approaching, “fuck Van I´ll cum” you uttered, watching her pretty long hair falling down over her chest, you reached out to touch her as you pracitcally rubbed yourself raw against her, your whole body vibrating and hot by that point, and as she felt your fingers pressing into the flesh of her tits she knew she´d finish soon too, locking eyes with you, both of you sensing that the other person was very close to the edge, staring into each other´s soul´s as your pace became faster and your movements more erratic, the eye contact driving you wild, it was pure bliss, seeing the person you´d lusted after being overcome with pleasure because of you, a simultaneous deep shudder going through your bodies as you came against each other, your cunts clenching, your hips sore by that point, slowing down once you were truly finished, breathing a little steadier then, detangling your shaking legs. 

you moved to lay down next to her, spent, sweating, but somehow still in heat, so you moved your hand down to her wetness after not having used your hands on her yet and she did the same immediately. you faced each other as you both slid your fingers over the other´s slick heat, drenched by that point, almost leaking down your thighs, savoring the proof of your fucking for a moment, a sudden wordless agreement: let´s cum again. you teased her clit, mirroring what she was doing to you, her hot breath against your face, closing the distance for a sloppy kiss, sighing as you made out and felt the other person´s hand quickly drawing out another orgasm, shoulder to shoulder as the second climax got a few final broken up moans out of you. the first high was more violent but the second was what you needed to feel truly satisfied, to calm down. 

after a moment of letting yourself lay there, you put your hands on her stomach, placing your chin on top of them, smiling up at her all flushed and content, “was I really that obvious?” she cocked her head, slowly coming to her senses again“no, not at all. you were just blatantly eye fucking me across the dinner table. no big deal”, “I was admiring you”, you corrected, feigning innocence, batting your eyelashes at her, she nodded, “right sure, you tell yourself that”.

you propped yourself up on your elbow once you regained some strength, looking at her laying next to you, “the walls are super thin by the way, so they definitely heard us”, a serious tone, watching the utter shock in her expression for a moment before a grin spread across your face that gave away that you were just fucking with her. she playfully slapped your arm then, “okay very funny. you´re not the one who´d get your fucking ass kicked for this”, you laughed, gently brushing a strand of hair out of her face,“oh don´t worry, I´d protect you”, she nodded, her tone laced with irony “right, that´s very romantic of you, really”, but she cracked a smile too then, shaking her head “you really are something else..” reaching out to trace your outline with her index finger, “you were fucking playing with me these past few days, huh? that was torture”. 

you smiled, eyeing her, “oh yeah? that bad?”, almost a hint of pride in your voice, she looked at you, clearly charmed, “trust me, “my friend´s daughter” is not my usual type. I wouldn´t be this reckless for just anyone”, you realized she was sort of calling irresistible, “I´ll take that as a compliment” you said, laying back down again, “please do”, she didn’t want it to be a secret, that something about you was special to her.

both of you just stared up at the ceiling for a moment, listening to the sound of the wind in the trees outside, the cicadas, the soundscape of the night, until you spoke up again, “when are you leaving again?”, you asked her, “um, Friday morning”, you contemplated that for a second, “you know what I think you should do?”, a conspirative tone, she was curious then, caressing your arm absentmindedly, “do tell”, you continued, “I think by the time you leave you should tell them that you really loved it here. like truly in every way, and that you would love to come back in a few weeks”, she laughed then, realizing you were already thinking of missing her and coming up with plans to reunite even though she was still there, “oh really? and you think I am so obsessed with you that I´d close my store and drive a whole day to come back here?”, you considered it, “well, if I do things right the next four days I think that will be the case yes”.

Van couldn´t lie, your confidence and relentless pursuit were a mix that already had her wrapped around your finger, she wouldn´t have admitted it in that moment but she´d already thought about it herself: the reasons she might find to come back again. it almost embarrassed her to think of, that she´d fantasized about that, since she knew it was kind of fucked up but it was also exhilirating, far beyond what her dating life usually entailed. she wouldn’t have admitted it in that moment though, she was gonna let you believe that you were the more intense one in the dynamic, at least for a while. 

“let´s see about that” she said, a grin on her face.

“you know they´re gone at work all day tomorrow” you whispered, “yeah I know”, “so..” you added, she turned to you then, meeting your gaze, “so..” mimicking your tone, “you mean we won´t have to worry about any thin walls then, hm?”, you laughed, blushing, “exactly yes”, she pulled you closer, “well, let´s try to sleep then or we won´t have the energy for that. at least not me, I´m too old for all-nighters”.

you smiled, nodding, closing your eyes and leaning against her arm as you felt her fingers running through your hair, the air still warm enough for you two to just lay there on top of the covers like that for a while, finally at ease, after all the tension and exhaustion of the hot day had evaporated from your bodies at once, leaving you in a state of lazy bliss. 

[everythingmp3]

𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕜𝕚𝕤𝕤 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕟𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕥𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕕 ✧｡

teen!Van x fem!reader

during the aftermath of the hunt, tensions rise in the cabin and one unlucky person ends up in the middle of it: Van. a heated argument ends with her storming off, and for the first time since you two drifted apart after years and years of being childhood best friends, you feel the need to protect her. when you go after her to try and offer some support, you reconnect more deeply than you expected.

warnings: slight infidelity (sorry Tai)

author´s note: thanks to the anon that sent me the request, here´s my first attempt at writing for younger Van! I like thinking about alternative realities for her, for example what if an ex best friend was out there in the woods with her? so here’s my version of that, hope you enjoy!

it was nothing out of the ordinary in a small town like yours: to go to elementary, middle, and high school with the exact same group of people. but there was only one person in that group who you cared about during the early days of your adolescence: Van Palmer. 

both you and Van had been rather shy kids, sensing that you were different to the others in some way, so the moment you two met in first grade and recognized that feeling in each other, you became inseparable. from that point on you spent all your time together: school, afternoons at the mall, sleepovers, whole weekends running around outside from dusk til dawn, always finding trouble to get into.

in high school you slowly became friends with other girls too, mainly due to soccer, and at first you remained a close duo, but once you were around 15 and both of you had serious issues of your own to cope with, Van´s including her on and off relationship with Tai, you drifted apart. there were no hard feelings, you were still friends, but only from a distance: no one-on-one hangouts, no phone calls, just short friendly chats during practice or lunch breaks, nothing intimate or deep about it anymore. 

even after the crash, stuck in the woods together, you two only interacted with each other in the group setting. sure, here and there you engaged in small talk, but you never sat down to have a real conversation, just the two of you, in private.

of course being stranded in the wilderness would wear anyone down, but for you it was especially hard to watch Van´s light fade more and more over time, knowing there was nothing you could do to help. sometimes you wondered if you should try to talk to her, but you knew it might have been uncalled for, especially considering all the other complex dynamics with Tai and Lottie and a few others that she already had to deal with. so you left her alone, worrying from afar, keeping it to yourself until the day of the first hunt. 

naturally, the aftermath that was not pretty. the irony of the situation was that once you had all finally gotten some sustenance into your malnourished bodies, everyone suddenly seemed to have regained enough strength to get angry and riled up again. it was like everyone collectively woke up from the permanent daze that the hunger had left you in.

the guilt and shame about what had gone down settled in and nobody was dealing with it in a healthy manner, so eventually the tension reached a tipping point and a fight broke out. Tai and Shauna were already upstairs and Lottie was just quiet in the corner but all the others were standing around the room hurling insults and accusations at each other, with one person getting the worst of it: Van. 

she was the easy target, the obvious choice for a scape-goat, since she had initiated the card pulling. at first she managed, but the thing that pushed her over the edge was a comment from Mari along the lines of : “well, you were pretty quick to push that fucked up game, maybe we would have found a better way”. nobody defended her, everyone just murmured, a few people even nodding in approval. before that, Van had pushed back, but by that point she was done, you could tell, so instead of justifying herself any longer she grabbed her scarf, wrapped herself up in it, and ran out, banging the cabin door so hard that a few things on the table fell over.

for a moment you all just stood there, a charged silence, and for the very first time since the crash, you lost your composure. you´d been a quiet presence out there, never demanding much, never complaining excessively, never refusing to do the work you were assigned. but in that moment your peaceful nature crumbled. 

you looked around the room in disbelief. “you are fucking unbelievable” you uttered, your voice harsh and unforgiving. everyone turned to look at you, surprised that you of all people were chiming in,“you guys are being so fucking childish, really, it´s pathetic! Van was the only one who had the guts to do something, to just push through so we wouldn´t fucking starve to death! she took that on and you should be thanking her instead of unloading your guilt on her, we all did it, that´s our shared weight to carry! grow the fuck up!” your face was hot, all the rage from the weeks before about your situation was coming out at once.

“yes, we´re doing fucked up horrible shit, this is how it is now, deal with it or go ahead and get on your high horse and starve! but leave her the fuck alone with that guilt-trip bullshit!” you had gotten so loud that everyone was just staring at you as you wildly gestured around, almost shouting by then, remembering Van´s look from a few minutes earlier, the pain and weakness in her voice. even Lottie had perked up after being lost in thought for the past hour.

you shook your head, not waiting for a response, “honestly just take a fucking nap or something and get a grip before she comes back in and you can apologize for whatever the fuck that was”. somehow, they knew you were righteous in your anger, so nobody dared to say a thing as you also took your scarf and followed Van outside. it was in that moment that everyone remembered that you and Van had been best friends once. it wasn´t on anyone´s radar at all, but your passionate defense was a clear reminder.

in front of the cabin you just stood there breathing out for a moment, collecting yourself, giving Van a few more moments of solitude before looking for her. snow was still falling but only lightly, it was sunset, the light was disappearing quickly but it was not freezing enough yet for it to be unbearable outside. the stinging from the weather in your cheeks was actually a welcome change from the thick air inside.

at first you thought Van might be sitting by the fire pit but when you saw that she wasn’t, your next best guess was the large tree that had crashed to the floor behind the cabin and served as a kind of bench, and you were right. once you turned the corner and made your way over, you could see Van sitting there, her back turned to you, so you approached carefully, tapping her on the shoulder. “enjoying the cool breeze?”, she looked up at you, clearly expecting someone else because her hostile expression softened a little when she realized it was you. still, she didn´t smile, the joke not enough to get her out of her gloomy state of mind. 

you got it and saved the humor, “can I?” pointing to the space next to her, wiping off some of the snow and sitting down after she said “sure”. you waited a second before speaking again, “don´t listen to their nonsense okay? you did what had to be done and they don´t get to make you feel bad for that”.

that was not what Van had expected to hear, at all. she turned to look at you then, “thank you. I mean fuck, it´s not like I am this heartless monster who just did it without feeling anything, I just..” you put your hand on her shoulder then, squeezing reassuringly. “I know. you don´t have to justify it, really. I for one am just glad that it´s over with and that we´re gonna see another day.” she was struck by how much she needed to hear that, how uplifting it was, to hear someone not just tolerate her actions, but thank her for them. it had been hard to seem fearless, determined, to take on the role of the leader for such a horrific thing, so the moment you said those words it felt like a weight was lifted off her chest, like she could take a proper breath again. it was a good thing, to realize that at least someone in the group shared the ability to look at things more pragmatically. 

she relaxed a little, exhaling deeply. “god they piss me off sometimes” she admitted, shaking her head, you laughed then, “yeah. I´d say that was pretty high up on the list of horrible moments out here”, she nodded, staring up at the sky, “an endless fucking list if you ask me”.

you also looked up then, the snowflakes falling directly onto your face, “well, we do have our lovely reconnection with mother nature to add to the positives, so there´s that” you joked, she cracked a genuine smile then, “right. and our glorious  exploration of a different cuisine”, you nodded, “exactly, we´re really expanding our palette out here”. it felt good, natural, to return to a place of banter with her, after having spent countless hours laughing together for years, so much so that you regularly got kicked out of classes for it, stomachs cramping from saying the exact right things to get each other to break. you´d been a nightmare for teachers back then.

there was a comfortable silence for a moment, faint smiles on both of your faces as the memories came flooding back into your minds, neither of you said it out loud but something shifted in that moment and you could feel it, it was like your bodies were telling you “why did we ever stop doing this? this feels right”. 

you cleared your throat, “you know, I sometimes think about that summer”, Van looked at you from the side, you didn´t have to specify, she knew exactly which one: the summer three years before. 

during that time things had been at their worst with Van´s mom. she rarely had a single moment of peace at home, so you convinced your parents to let her sleep over for days, weeks at a time, because there was no school to keep up with and enough sympathy from them for her situation to basically let her become your roommate for a few weeks. 

you were the only one who knew all the details about her home life, who had been there for all of it: the panicked calls to your house asking if she could come over, the late night talks that ended with her crying and you soothing her and getting her spirits up by putting on a film and getting her to explain it to you, the few times you were at her house and helped her clean up and carry her mom from the couch to the bed. you’d always been there and never judged or told anyone.

at times Van had looked at you out there in the wilderness, with the feeling of “she´s the only one here who really knows me”, yearning for your understanding nature at times. you´d looked at her a few times with the feeling of “at least her mom can´t terrorize her out here” , a hint of pain in there too, knowing that Tai involuntarily also kept her from sleeping through the night.

“yeah I think about that summer too sometimes.” Van said, a clear sense of nostalgia in her voice, “remember how we climbed onto your roof one night and tried to smoke weed for the first time?” she laughed, you´d forgotten but the second she said it the images of you two laying there came back to you. “oh my god, yes! I think we coughed so loud that the neighbors yelled at us to shut the fuck up right?” she nodded, “yeah, and I think we hardly even smoked any of it”, a grin on her face, yours too “it was fun though. we could use some of that stuff right now actually”, she agreed, “oh absolutely. god what I wouldn´t give to just get high out of my mind and forget all this shit” her head in her hands for a moment, hunched over, you patted her back, “yeah me too”.

you hesitated a second before asking, “so… what´s going on with you and Tai?”,  sensing that her exhaustion was also partially due to their situation. a groan from Van as you brought the topic up “oh okay that bad, huh?”, she sat upright again then, looking back at you. “honestly, save yourself the headache of being talked through that mess” you eyed her, her scars that you were seeing up close for the first time, since you were barely a few inches apart.

“well, at least you´re getting some kind of action. I might just die out here without ever really having gotten with a girl so. I think I deserve some pity too actually” a look of surprise on her face then, she looked at you with her eyebrows raised, “huh? what do you mean?”, you shrugged, “exactly what I said”. 

“you don´t have some secret girlfriend out there who is mourning you right now?” she asked, a teasing tone, you shook your head, “not at all. what would make you think that?” she was still looking at you, a subtle smirk “I don´t know. I always thought you´d do really well in that department. have some hot older chick who picks you up in her car after school or something. you were always better than me at keeping secrets, so I figured you might have something going on” you laughed, considering it, “well if that´s the vibe I give off I´m glad, I really wish I had a juicy story like that to tell but no, sorry to disappoint”

it kind of shocked Van. you had always been close to perfect in her head, she´d admired you all throughout your friendship, so maybe she was projecting a little when she thought of you as being irresistible to other girls. 

it made her remember something, “funny thing actually, when Tai and I first got together, she asked me if she should worry about you. people were apparently convinced that we´d secretly been a couple before”, that took you off guard, “what? really?” she nodded, “hmm yeah”. it made you think, the funny thing was that during all those nights you´d spent sharing a bed, nothing had ever happened, not even a peck and you knew the reason. it was you two against the world during that time, so switching the vibe from best friends in the world to lovers would have required taking a big risk.

but of course, you weren’t oblivious, growing up you both knew that you were attractive to each other, it was always there in the back of your mind. a question hit Van in that moment: what if I had gone after her instead? what would that have looked like? what kind of relationship would we have had? she felt fucked up for thinking about it, but part of her liked the idea, regardless of her love for Tai, she couldn´t deny that you´d always been someone that had made her feel safe, cared for, that your love had been a calm and steady kind, a contrast to the push and pull with Tai. 

it was messing with her in that moment, how much she´d missed you, your solid presence, reminded of it by the fact that you were the one to come out and look for her, who found the exact right things to say. it didn’t help that your pretty face was illuminated by the last few sunrays spilling over the horizon, your eyes almost sparkling from it.

you were thinking of slightly fucked up things too, the jealousy you´d sometimes felt watching Tai and Van being affectionate with each other, knowing you might die without ever having that, knowing you might have experienced it with Van if you´d have had the guts before.

she broke the silence first, “so, when you say you never got with a girl back home, what do you mean exactly? like not at all or?” you thought about it, “well. nothing worth bragging about. the last time I kissed anyone was last winter during Lotties big party and that wasn´t great because I think she was straight and just treating it like a silly little thing to do while drunk” she shook her head, pissed on your behalf, “man that sucks. you deserve more than that” she couldn´t help it, part of her felt challenged by that, a voice inside was telling her: come on. do it. show her what a real kiss feels like. she also felt somewhat possessive out of nowhere, hating the idea of some random girl getting a chance with you who couldn´t even treat you right. 

you were both looking at each other, her gaze changing all of a sudden, something more intense creeping into it, and for a moment you tried to tell yourself you were imagining it but she kept looking and looking at you, not saying a thing, her blue eyes not moving away one inch, you didn´t look away either, breathing a little heavier then, hard to tell if the cold was the only reason your hands were shaking. there was hardly any distance between you to begin with, so as you both instinctively leaned closer you could immediately feel her breath on your lips, your whole body reacting to it.

Van´s hand moved to your cheek and before you could react she leaned in to kiss you, her hand wandering to the back of your head to pull you closer, yours grabbing her neck as you adjusted your position to face her more directly, both of you holding onto each other, at first it was just her pressing her lips against yours, her soft warm skin a thrilling sensation in the freezing cold, at first it was tender and sweet, but then you kissed her back with a force and eagerness that stunned her, but she matched it immediately, you were starved for intimacy and it was clear from the way you kept feverishly kissing her, no plan of stopping, your hand in her hair, her tongue in your mouth, a soft moan as you felt her getting more desperate, her grip you on you tightening, it felt like you were making up for something, like it was long overdue, so it turned sloppy and intense very quickly, the initial hesitation completely gone, one could have called it shameless, the way you were feeling each other up, hands roaming as you made out like you were trying to eat each other, not a single care who might walk out and see, who might catch you, it simply felt too good, having each other like that for once, after all that time, and somehow your bodies knew each other so well that it didn´t feel like a first kiss at all, it felt like a kiss between lovers who´d spent a long time apart, reuniting. in a sense it wasn´t that far off.

after a while your lips were burning and slightly swollen, your faces hot and glowing despite the darkness that had turned your surroundings even colder, so you finally pulled away, panting, hands still on each other, the air before you turning to smoke as you breathed out hard, trying to regain your composure.

Van shook her head, whispering to herself “jesus…” , you just sat there, your whole body burning, neither of you able to suppress your satisfied grins, “that was…” you didn´t really have any words, she looked at you, completing the sentence, “hot?”, getting a genuine laugh out of you, ���yeah”.

“god I knew I was right about you being the type to make girls lose their fucking minds” she said, pointing towards you, you just nudged her arm in response, the shared giddiness almost inappropriate considering the circumstances but for a moment you were those same girls you were back then, sharing a secret, giving into your less noble impulses together. it felt too good to act like you felt bad about it.

after a moment of collecting your thoughts, you got up from where you were sitting, wiping the snow off your legs, “so, I´ll go in first and you´ll try and wipe that smile off your face before you follow, because otherwise they´ll ask what the fuck I did to you out here” she nodded, taking the order, smiling at you from where she was still sitting “got it. I´ll channel some of the energy from earlier”, “exactly, yes. see you in a minute then” you said, turning to leave, but before you could walk off, she pulled you back by your hand again for a second, “hey by the way, I heard you shouting in there earlier, what was that about?”. Van had a good guess, but she wanted to hear it from you. you cocked your head, eyeing her, “oh you know. just sticking up for an old friend”, she squeezed your hand then, “well I’m sure that friend is really grateful” , an undeniably soft look shared between you two then, before she watched you head inside. 

Van wouldn´t have admitted this to anyone, but as she sat there waiting for a second, coming down from the high of kissing you, she thought: how the fuck am I gonna spend all my days around this girl and not drag her off to do that again and again.

[everythingmp3]

⎯ ୨ 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩୧ ⎯

𝐓𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐨𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

after your fathers death, you need to push through the grief very quickly to continue his work as one of the most prominent smugglers around. still, the pain of your situation makes you fall further into unhealthy habits and despair, which nobody notices, nobody except for one of your fathers old friends: Tess. she senses that something is off with you and suddenly becomes a surprisingly strong presence in your life. eventually, your feelings for her push you towards letting your guard down.

warnings: minors dni. mentions of drug use and addiction, grief/death of a loved one, smut (reader receiving)

disclaimer: this one is long. Anna Torv got me good, I couldn’t stop thinking about her in the show. I never played the game, so accuracy was not the goal here, I just wanted to write something for the Tess we see in the show! I put a lot of thought and heart into this, so I really hope I can make some Tess girlies out there happy <3 or anyone else who is in the mood for a longer fic!

wordcount: 13k

It would have been absurd to call anyone during or after the outbreak “lucky”, considering the state of the world, but you knew in your heart that your fate had definitely been of the luckier kind. 

up until the outbreak, you and your father had been living as a duo for as long as you could remember. he had raised you as a single father in a small town where he´d worked as a professor, and your life had mostly been a content and peaceful one. 

you´d been old enough during the day of the outbreak to understand what was happening, but not old enough to remember much of it as an adult, the memories were all hazy, one big blur of panic. all you knew was that you two had left in your car in the middle of the night, never looking back once you were on the road, until you somehow got to be two of the first people inhabiting the Boston QZ. 

the first few years were anything but easy. the “schools” you went to were a joke, the structures in place were authoritative and soul crushing, everyone was traumatized and trying to cope one way or another. it was bleak, a sinister chaos, but at night when you sat around the table together, you couldn´t help but feel a sliver of gratitude, you´d both stayed alive, which was nothing short of a miracle.

for about a year post-outbreak, your father just worked whatever jobs were assigned to him, like everyone else. it was routine work, boring, dull, but it kept you two afloat. still, he got restless, a man who´d been used to hours and hours of mental stimulation and human connection, he couldn´t stay in the shadows by himself like that forever, he was itching for more. 

he had an air that granted him respect, so one day he received a proposal: his first contact to the smuggling business. at first, he was hesitant, but it was too tempting in the end, so he accepted, and it worked, better than he expected. it wasn´t exactly a natural progression, his former job in academia to that one, he saw the irony, but both jobs required people skills and he always told you: 90 percent of that kind of work is mental.

everyone was so lost during those early days, that a competent man like him, a mentor, attracted others, especially younger smugglers, like moths to a flame. his responsibilities quickly became more and more serious, people kept pushing him and a few others around his age to do the important organizing, the work that required more brain, not just intimidation and brute force, so about a year into that lifestyle, he slowly but surely became one of the top dogs in the smuggling business.

he kept his private life and business separate, always. he made sure you were safe at home while he was out, but the one thing he did right from the start, was that he told you everything about what he was doing. he knew it would not help you to stay naive and innocent, not in a world like that. he also knew you were smart and bored out of your mind, so what he did, each night, was that he told you every little detail about everyone he came into contact with, every trick he'd learned, every piece of valuable information. 

he trusted you, and he knew he wouldn´t be around to protect you forever, he wanted you to have valuable insight in your hands once you´d have to fend for yourself. so by the time you were 15, you knew pretty much everyone he worked with by name, their secrets, their ways of working, all of it. what he did not know, was that you also had a good amount of secrets of your own: what you did in your spare time, how you managed all those hours on your own.

as a teenager you´d started seeing various bottles of pills he was holding onto for deals laying around the apartment, and you were slick enough to take a few each time without him noticing. you were dealing with something, call it depression, PTSD, anxiety, or a mix of all three, but regardless of terminology: you were going through it and refused to burden him with it. it was far from ideal but taking sedatives helped, mostly Ambien but you weren´t too picky, they just had to be strong. you kept it in check, nobody noticed, not once. 

then, when you were in your early twenties, he fell ill. it was gradual but the hard life had worn him down, his heart was giving out, and all you could do, was to try to spend the rest of his days by his side, which you did. people were devastated, everyone knew him or of him, so some of them even came by your apartment to say their goodbyes, including one of his closest allies: Tess. 

you knew about all of his business partners, and Tess had been one that he really valued, spoke of very highly, always. you´d seen her around a few times and he´d told you a few stories about her, but she was a woman who kept to herself, so he was discreet, never spilling anything about her personal life.

still, she always stuck out to you among the others. even though you´d never even spoken to her, something about her seemed different to you, you could see why he´d worked with her for over a decade by that point, there was a magnetism to her that got to you. sometimes, you caught glimpses of her from afar, and wondered what it was about her, that always made you think of her for the rest of the day.

the day she came to say her goodbyes to him, you couldn´t help it: you stayed just outside of the room to listen. others had cried, been very sentimental, but she just sat there in silence for a good while with him. you swore you could hear her sniffle, but once she stepped out of the room, after you'd quickly hurried down the hall to not be caught, she looked as strong and composed as ever, giving you a small nod as she walked by, nothing more, but in her expression, you could tell she was signaling something to you, that she felt for you. something in her gaze went straight to your heart. 

as his death approached, you knew you had a choice to make. either, you could take over his business, or you could watch some random person attempt to fill the spot he´d leave vacant. early on, you knew, you´d have to take over. there was no way you´d let some psychotic power hungry tyrant swoop in and pick up all the work he´d leave up for grabs.

it was not a dream of yours to become his successor in that world, but dreams were a luxury few could afford those days, and you knew your fate could have been much worse. the decision meant that you´d have to deal with the impending grief in a way that wouldn´t leave you weak and bedbound, so you made a deal with yourself: one day. once he´d die, you´d give yourself one day to fall apart, to fall as deeply into despair as possible. and then, you´d have to get to work and forget all about it. 

even though a few of them had told him that they´d look out for you, you knew smugglers well enough to not trust their patience, their promises. if you´d stay inside grief stricken for weeks, they´d lose respect, they´d forget about you, someone else would catch their attention. besides, you had no interest in pity, in being handled like some precious little thing at risk of falling apart on her own. so, things played out exactly how you planned.

the day he died, you were inconsolable. it was darkness beyond imagination, loneliness unlike you´d ever felt it, your one guardian, one confidant: gone. the tears left your face swollen red, your body exhausted, so at night, you knocked yourself out really well with an extra high dose, knowing you´d have to step out the next day looking normal, respectable, hard to intimidate. 

at first, there were some nerves, but the second you started talking to people, discussing plans, handling deals, you realized you could almost do all of it on auto-pilot because you´d spent years and years absorbing all of his ideas, his language and mannerisms. you were basically inhabiting his ghost as you started making it known that you were taking over, for good, and nobody seemed to question it, even though you were barely above twenty. something about you gave them the vibe of do not mess with her. 

you were convincing in your new position and it helped that they were glad to cling to you, as a biological extension of his legacy. it worked, people respected you, you made sure his previous connections were properly taken over.

still, you felt absolutely horrible. deep down you were eaten up by grief, you were lonely, exhausted, but you simply couldn´t let it show, ever. your habit with the pills became much worse immediately. you used a pretty high dosage to sleep through entire evenings and nights, then you somehow got up and went out to do what you had to do, and repeated that cycle every day, not leaving yourself even one moment of just sitting around and thinking, because you knew once you´d let yourself do that: you´d break. 

what you didn´t know, was that Tess had told people to report to her how you were doing. 

she knew about you, she knew his death would leave you to your own devices, and at first she was convinced you´d be uninterested in taking over, but once she heard that you were doing it, she was alerted. she thought you´d fall flat on your face. a grieving daughter taking all that on? no way. but soon after, she heard back from people that you were working as if nothing had happened, and it puzzled her, that you were shouldering all of it seemingly without trouble. something in her told her: go have a look at that girl, something seems off there. 

Tess remembered your kind face the day she´d seen your father for the last time, the look of something so fragile, so soft in there, it just did not mix with the things she was hearing about you the weeks after his passing. 

so, about three weeks after he died, she made her way to your apartment, knocking around 8 pm. the second you opened the door, you knew of course who the intimidating looking woman in front of you was, but you just looked at her until she said “hey, could I come in for a second?”, her voice low and admittedly kind of alluring, you nodded, waving her in. 

she was the first person who´d had the guts to just come over unannounced, nobody had bothered to come and check on you, which you were mostly glad about, but you couldn´t deny the fact that it felt nice to have someone there for once. 

she walked into the nearest room, the kitchen, with a confidence as if the apartment was hers. you followed, watching her sit down a chair that she pulled away from the dining table, while you stood across the room, leaning against the wall. she cleared her throat, looking at you, her piercing eyes almost making you nervous then. 

“okay listen. your father might have told you this, but just in case he didn´t: i don´t do bullshit. i don´t like to waste time, not mine, not other people´s, so i´m gonna get straight to the point here, okay?” you stared at her, the way she was resting her hands on her knees, leaning forward to emphasize what she was saying, her eyes unyielding. 

you couldn´t help but feel a sense of admiration, her strength practically radiating off of her, you nodded, “sure go ahead”. 

Tess looked at you with something disbelief, “what the fuck is going on?” she asked, quiet, stern. you were not unaffected by the tone, but you were unsure what precisely she was referring to, “what do you mean?”. she shook her head, “save the coy act with me. you know what I mean. the person you have lived with your whole life dies and then two fucking days later you´re out there taking over his business like nothing ever happened? come on. tell me what´s going on here”. you felt caught for a second but then you realized she was only suspecting, she had nothing in her hands to prove that anything was wrong with you, so you did what you did best: deny it.

“I mean… I see how that could seem a bit strange but what good would it do to just weep and mope around all day? I can´t change what happened. I don´t need to cry all day, I can work, I can function, it´s fine.” you almost believed yourself, you were a good liar, but not good enough to fool Tess, hardly anyone could lie to her without being caught. she could tell that beneath the convincing way of putting it that way, you weren´t telling the truth. it was hard to pinpoint how exactly she could tell, because your voice was no giveaway, neither was your demeanor, but something told her immediately that you were a person who knew how to hide things well, partially because she had the same talent herself. 

“that sounds great on paper, really, but the way your father described you, it just doesn´t make sense, sorry, I don´t buy it.”

you were a little defensive then. “oh yeah, what did he say?” she grinned for a moment, relieved you were at least in a state that allowed you to push back.

 “well, he liked to brag. he often told me how sweet you were, how you remained kind and thoughtful even during the end of the fucking world, with him doing shady business and no mother around to look after you. i recall the word “angel” being used a few times. I don´t see a girl like that being all unaffected and tough mere days after her dad´s death, not without finding some strange ways to cope. so I am concerned.”

you took in the words, almost emotional then, but keeping it together, struck by the word concern. nobody had clocked it, that you weren´t truly doing that great, but here Tess came, unwilling to just take the lie and leave you be. part of you felt relief at being seen for once, by her of all people, the one regularly described as “cold. hardass. not to go to with puppy eyes asking for forgiveness after fucking a job up”. there she was, inquiring about a stranger´s well being. still, you couldn´t get yourself to give her the answer she wanted.

“concerned? you hardly know me” you deflected, and she scoffed then, throwing her hands up, “yeah sure. you´re only the freshly orphaned daughter of a man I knew for about 15 years, why should i give a fuck, right?”. you couldn´t argue with that, realizing that she was also just trying her best to do the right thing. 

“sorry, I didn´t mean it like that. it´s just, i am doing everything right. why do i have to justify that?”. you were defensive because you knew, if you allowed yourself to open up to her, it would end with you in tears, and you weren´t up for it. still, it hurt, to be offered some solace and refuse it. 

she insisted, “yes but that´s exactly what strikes me as odd. now would be the moment to do it all wrong, to be weak, to mess up, yet here you are, walking those damn streets like you´re the new sheriff in town. and hey, i´ll give it to you, you´re doing a good job, but something is off, and i want to understand.”

“I am just doing what has to be done” you said, a defeated tone to it, which she didn´t love hearing. she was losing her patience, “listen to me. you should be taking a break right now. this is about the hardest thing to go through, you should not be pushing yourself the way you are, not right now, not like this”.

you were quiet, looking at her, your eyes not obviously soft but something was in there, she saw a glimpse of vulnerability, but then it escaped her again. you were stubborn, a few more moments of your wordlessness made her realize that you wouldn´t talk. Tess knew she was onto something but you wouldn´t let her in, so she leaned back and exhaled, looking up at the ceiling, her shirt lifting up a little, a glimpse of her skin, it burned in your vision for a split second.

“okay, you don´t wanna talk, that´s fine. but trust me, I know grief and I know denial. I´ve been around long enough to have seen it many times, what repression of all that shit can do to someone. so, I guess, this is my way of saying: be careful. and I might not be the one for big speeches or touchy feely shit, but I do care. so, keep that in mind if you ever need… well, help.” she got up then, straightening out her clothes, running her hands through her long slightly gray hair, looking a little worn out from the day, but still, extremely striking. she was a sight that stirred something deep inside of you, you couldn´t deny it, even while being confronted by her, you couldn´t stop feel a pull in her direction. 

she walked towards the door but stopped for a moment when she was close to where you were standing, looking at you for second, a hint of a smile:

“well, i´ll give it to him, he raised no fool, that´s for sure”, you cracked a small smile too then, not rewarding her with a lot of words though, “thanks, Tess. I´ll keep all that in mind”, that was the first time you ever used her name to address her and it hit a nerve in her, like a wave of electricity running through her at the sound, but she didn´t let it show, instead she briefly patted your shoulder, saying “take care”, and left.

the second she was out on the street again, Tess realized that it was a good idea for her to leave your apartment, because the idea of you being all on your own there, spending entire nights in that dark, empty place, did not leave her cold, at all, and she had no interest in growing too emotionally involved. there was something about you that she had not expected and it was messing with her, it was making her mind spin.

whenever your dad had talked about you, she had pictured someone more like a teenager, but you were anything but that. you were a grown woman, young but clearly marked by the tough life you´d lived, someone she couldn´t just crack with one stern look. you had an air of nonchalance that was hard won; she knew you´d paid a prize to keep up a facade like that. 

a pretty facade, she had to admit, you were undeniably beautiful. Tess was not one for crushes, but she knew an attractive woman when she saw one. you did not dress much differently than the other women she knew, but still, you were so different, your face had a distinct look that got to her: your eyes, your expression, the way you´d looked at her, it all stuck with her, that image of you, sitting there at the kitchen table, backlit by the setting sun: burned into her mind. 

she knew there was no way around it, she´d keep thinking of you, wondering what you were actually thinking, feeling, what you did during those hours at night all on your own, how you managed to work the way you did, what you were hiding, how you managed your grief, whether you cried or not, what you were afraid of, what you did to seem as unafraid as you did. 

most of her days were spent talking to people she didn´t care about one bit, often even actively resented, so sensing the potential of actually caring about a person, and even better, being challenged by their cleverness, it made it impossible for her not to wonder how she might find an excuse to talk to you again. Tess was not heartless, she might have been perceived that way, but she knew, deep down, that it was only a matter of time until she´d give up the i don´t give a fuck attitude for someone who needed her to. and something was telling her, you might be that person.

as she left your apartment, a voice inside her was telling her: 

keep an eye on that girl. she might need someone one of these days, and the others don´t see it.

it was also telling her:

don´t you dare fall for your dead friend´s daughter.

the weeks leading up to that night, you´d done your best to remain numb, nothing had really gotten to you, you´d kept yourself busy or knocked out, but then, one brief visit from Tess and you were shaken up, moved, affected. within ten minutes she´d managed to reach some part of you that you´d kept shut off. something about her presence was both comforting and thrilling. you´d had crushes before, but it was different with her, the word almost too mild and cute to describe the visceral nature of it. once she left your apartment you just sat in your kitchen for about half an hour, quiet, thinking, unable to process what you were feeling. 

that night you dreamed for the first time in ages. you couldn´t recall the details the next morning, but you knew it was about her, and your body was warm in your bed even though the apartment was freezing cold. 

you knew you couldn´t just go to her without a reason, you had too much pride to just admit to her that you wanted more of her company, so you tried to ignore it, but the following week you thought of Tess a lot, so much so that you found yourself perking up whenever anyone around you mentioned her. then, one day, someone came up to you as you were busy dealing with something and told you she´d asked for you, for you to come to her the next morning, something about a job she was involved in. 

you wondered why she would ask for you specifically, but regardless of her reasoning, you were just excited to be able to see her again without even having to initiate it. so, the next morning you made your way to the address you´d been given. you knew your way around, you knew that it was the bottom floor of this abandoned warehouse that people in your line of work often used to meet discretely. 

the second you stepped inside, you saw two women you recognized, two guys, and Tess, sitting around a make shift table out of boxes, various maps and papers spread out over it. Tess locked eyes with you immediately and got up, waving you over to step aside with her for a moment, knowing you´d probably have questions. 

she looked at you, a smile, “thanks for coming” you nodded, “sure no problem. so, what is this?” you asked, crossing your arms, she realized she owed you an explanation, “well. there´s something rather big we have to plan. and what I´ve been hearing from people tells me that you´re one of the brighter ones around”, a grin as she said this, “so, I thought why not ask you to join? couldn´t hurt to have your input”. you were listening, eyes on her face, and something told you that she wasn´t telling the whole truth. 

part of you felt like she might be testing you, wanting to see if everyone was just cutting you some slack and exaggerating your skillset, but you were up for it, “sure, I´ll do what I can”. “alright then” she pulled you by the arm, the brief touch making you feel more than you hoped it would, but even a small squeeze from her hand did something to you. you tried to forget about it as you sat down next to her.

they quickly filled you in. getting people across city limits was nothing new, but it was gonna be about 5 people, which was a lot. the plan needed to be perfect, you needed to make sure that it was all ideal; the time of day, the routes they would take, possible quick escape routes too if trouble came their way, calculating possible run ins with law enforcement, mapping out where they usually stood guard, every detail had to be considered. 

you let the others do most of the talking, only chiming in when you had a correction to make, a better suggestion, or needed to explain why certain things wouldn´t work. you observed most of the time, but the few remarks you made were precise and helpful, you could tell they were glad to have you around, even Tess, who was not easily impressed, nodded in approval multiple times when you said something. at times you could feel her looking at you from the side, even when you weren´t talking and you wondered why; was she concerned? curious? or, maybe, just maybe, did she also find you intriguing?

similarly you also found yourself staring at her kind of in awe whenever she talked, resting your face on your hand, just looking, her voice almost soothing you to a point of spacing out. you tried your best to listen to the words being said, but it wasn´t easy, with her sitting so close to you, her body somehow waking yours up after weeks up feeling dead. 

before you knew it, you´d spent almost the entire day just sitting there, talking, planning, at times stepping away to drink something or stretch your limbs. by the time it got dark, you were done. as the others stood around talking for a while, you already stepped out, catching some air, leaning against the wall of the house, clearing your head for a moment before going home. after a few minutes, you saw the others leaving, waving goodbye, Tess following shortly after, making her way over to you, taking up the empty space next to you. 

at first neither of you talked, both just staring ahead, tired from the day, but then she spoke up, “you were good today”, her voice lower and raspier than at the beginning of the day, getting under skin. you knew that counted as high praise from her, so you smiled, looking at her, “thanks. I guess I passed your test then, huh?” she stared at you, her eyes giving away that you´d caught her off guard with that, it amused you, so you went on “it´s fine, I get it, I wasn´t counting on any nepotism treatment”, she raised her eyebrows then, “smart AND funny, huh?” laced with obvious irony. you shook your head, looking back at the street, she smiled to herself, realizing more and more that she shouldn´t underestimate you, since you kept surprising her, but it was a challenge she was eager to accept: figuring you out. 

“well, I know for a fact he couldn´t have taught you all that. I know enough smart guys whose kids can barely count to five so… it´s definitely not just a family thing”, you appreciated that, she continued, staring up at the sky, leaning her head back against the wall, “to be honest it´s kind of eerie at times, you at your age, talking like that” she admitted, you turned to her then, facing her more directly, “yeah? how so?”, she shrugged, breathing out, “I don´t know. I guess you´re so young, but already so..” you completed the sentence “jaded?”, she laughed then, the sound of it getting to you, “no, no, that´s not what I mean. it´s just, you should be.. more carefree I guess. as much as I hate dealing with stupid mistakes by youngsters, it does feel odd that you´re so fucking composed already”. 

you considered it, you could tell there was genuine sympathy in there and she wasn´t wrong either, it was pretty clear you weren´t exactly out there being young and wild, “well, I guess spending most of my time only talking to and living with a middle aged man did that”.

she nodded, an understanding smile, “right. well, maybe it's time to change that sweetheart, huh?” you couldn´t tell if she was being genuine or fucking with you, you looked her, squinting your eyes, “you know I can´t exactly get in trouble, Tess. not even a little”.

she knew what you meant, “fun” for younger people those days mostly meant breaking into empty buildings, drinking or getting high there, attempting parties, but with your lifestyle, you knew run-ins with FEDRA were to be avoided at all costs, so nothing like that was on the table for you. besides, it wasn´t exactly your idea of fun, you´d rather find someone to spend time with one on one, but you weren´t gonna tell her all that, not in that moment. 

she nodded, “yeah i know. still, there´s gotta be some way for you to have fun, hm?” it sounded slightly suggestive the way she said it, “sure, i´ll find a way, one day”, you kept it vague too, and she left it at that, since she saw that you were shivering from the cold, “come on, let´s go, you´re also headed down there, right?” pointing down the street you both had to take home, “yeah i am”. you followed her, walking close but not too close, wishing you could link arms, warm yourself up against her. for a second Tess almost offered you her jacket, but she realized how romantic that would´ve seemed, and let it go.

you were rarely scared, not even at night, but it did feel nice for a change, to have someone as intimidating and capable as her next to you, it felt good. she looked ahead, seemingly lost in thought, but she could tell you were looking at her from the side, and she almost felt frustrated by how nervous it made her. nothing made her blood rush anymore those days, not fear, not excitement, nothing; she was hardened, so feeling like she might actually flush from feeling you look at her almost irritated her for a moment, something so simple breaking her open, but she liked it, deep down she did.

you walked in silence for about a minute, and it was ironic that you had thought about feeling safe next to her, because out of nowhere a loud bang startled both of you. you stopped in your tracks, your minds racing: was it a gunshot? an explosion? a car crashing into something? it was too far to tell, but close enough to be alarmed. five seconds passed of you two standing there frozen, listening, before gunfire opened nearby. you could hear what sounded like a pretty large group of FEDRA assholes quickly stomping down the street, and within one second Tess had her own gun in her hand, yanking your arm with the other one, instructing with urgency “run!”, not letting go, pulling you down the street. from the look of it she had her eyes on some escape route and she did. 

in that moment it became crystal clear that she had years and years of experience on you, while you were still thinking she had only needed a split second to do the right thing, to think of a way out. by the sound of it they were coming dangerously close, you could hear screaming, shots being fired, the darkness ruptured by car lights, you had very little distance between you and them, and Tess made you run faster than you´d run in ages, never letting go of your hand. she pulled you into a small alley, letting go once you reached a few metal trash cans that she immediately kicked to the side, revealing a small door that lead into the backside of the tall building it belonged to, ripping it open and pushing you inside, before following and banging the door shut behind you.

you were out of breath, trying to think. the room smelled ancient, damp and was completely dark, there was no way of seeing, but you could hear her breathing and cursing under her breath next to you. “jesus fucking christ” you said, “crack-downs usually only happen during the day what is their fucking problem??”. you were pissed, your lungs were stinging. “yeah, get used to it, lately it´s been all the fucking time” by the sound of it she was still hunched over and very out of breath, you couldn´t help but laugh then, “I take it running isn´t one of your hobbies, huh?”. 

she couldn´t see, so she just guessed where you were standing and slapped in that direction, making contact with your stomach for a second, “just you wait til you´re old, see how funny this is then”. you were grinning, “old? Tess, you´re barely over 40”, she shook her head, calming down, resting against the wall then, “how about you quit the comedy and say: thank you Tess for saving me. I´m so grateful you weren´t a deer in headlights like me and dragged my ass to safety”. you mirrored her actions then, you arm hitting hers in the dark, “fuck off, you were just quick as hell”, she took it as a compliment, secretly enjoying the more familiar vibe that was suddenly in the air, “yeah I was, lucky for you”. 

“so, what is this place?” you asked, “little thing I discovered back in the day. as you know this area isn´t exactly the greatest, they love targeting us here so yeah, saved my ass a few times, but it´s been a while”, “cozy.” you said, flatly, “hey, if you wanna go back out there and get your head blown off instead, be my guest” she snapped back, it was funny to you, how easy it was to rile her up.

“I think about an hour and we´ll be fine to leave. things usually die down within that time frame”, “an hour??” you exclaimed, clearly not happy. “yes, an hour. don´t act like you have anywhere else to be, I know you don´t”, “wow okay, rub it in, go ahead”, she smiled then, perhaps she´d exaggerated a little, maybe half an hour would have been fine, maybe she´d subconsciously bought herself more time with you.

“we don´t have to stand here by the way, there´s a ladder somewhere that leads to a hallway and room, go on feel around, it can´t be far”, you started searching for it in the dark, hands reaching into empty space until something would show up, “so I´ll just climb up in total darkness and crack my head open if I miss a step and fall?”, she shook her head “alright, drama queen. if anything I´ll crack my head, you´re going ahead of me, so worst case you´ll fall back onto me”, you smiled then, safe to do so because she couldn´t see, “still, not great”. you found it, “here, come”. you could feel her close behind you while stepping onto the ladder, a few steps up, you could feel her following, her hands on your back then, sending a shiver down your spine that you hoped she didn´t feel.

“go on, i got it” she reassured. it wasn´t far up, a few moments later you could feel a floor, your palms flat against it, pulling yourself up, letting out an audible groan as you tried to get up on your feet from that position, she laughed, “and you of all people had the audacity to make fun of my fitness”, “shut up” you whispered, as you could feel her standing up behind you, reaching for you to make sure you were both far away enough from the ledge, her fingers making your skin feel warmer.

“there´s a lightswitch somewhere here, wait” she slapped the stone wall in random places until a tiny lightbulb above you flickered on, your eyes adjusting for a second. once you could see again, you both realized you´d been holding onto each other´s arms pretty tightly and let go at the same time, seeing each other´s faces, a little flushed, and for a moment you just stared at each other, collecting yourselves, before she looked around, pointing down the small corridor, “come”. you followed, watching her adjust her shirt, her usual half up half down hairstyle somehow even better after it had come undone a little, you tried to snap out of it, but her physicality was drawing all of your attention in.

she pushed the door open, there was some resistance from the old wood but it was no struggle for her; Tess was strong, you knew that of course but actually seeing it like that was something you could get used to. the room was barely bigger than a broom closet but you could both sit on the floor. she slid down the wall, motioning for you to follow. you sat across from each other, knees almost touching.

“oh fuck” she grabbed your hand, you had no idea what was going on until you looked down: your knuckles were bleeding. you´d scraped them but couldn´t even remember how or where, which she took note of, the fact that your body seemed to be so numb that you didn´t even register an injury. “oh..” you said, unfazed, “hold on” Tess said, and before you could stop her she took the hem of her shirt in her hands and pretty violently ripped a part of it off, telling you to hold out your hand before quickly tying the soft fabric around, over your knuckles, the blood getting soaked up by it, “there you go”. you shook your head, “that really wasn´t necessary Tess, you fucked up your shirt for me”, she waved it off, “oh who cares, we can´t have open wounds here”. you looked down at where she´d bandaged you, a sting in your heart: how long had it been since someone had shown you care like that? 

you put your head in your hands then, a sudden throbbing headache. you were usually already asleep in a drug induced haze at that hour and you knew your body was eager to shut down, but you forced yourself awake, rubbing your temples, sitting upright again.

she was observing you, quietly, just looking, “you okay there?”, “yeah yeah, just… long day, that´s all”, she nodded, slowly “right. you wanna stop lying to me any time soon, or no?”.

you met her gaze then, she held it, refusing to let it go, you shrugged “I don´t know what you want me to say, Tess”, whatever she was doing was working, you were not in a position to lie with her that close to you, that attentive, picking up on every little mannerism. 

“how about you start by telling me how you´re actually doing. what you´re doing to cope. because i know it´s not fucking meditation or journaling”, a tired smile from you then, you briefly broke eye contact, thinking about how to put it, before looking back at her.

“I think the answer is so obvious that it flew over your head”, she was confused then, “how so?”, you cocked your head, “come on, Tess. in our business? what does literally everyone do to cope?”. her eyes went wide then, she shook her head, “no. I can tell you´re not on drugs, I know the look”.

“well, i don´t do it during the day…” she looked alarmed, “what the fuck are you telling me?” you felt vulnerable then, having actually put it out there. you were looking at her with pleading eyes, not wanting to say it word for word, hoping she´d catch on. she was louder then, “jesus fucking christ, what kind of drugs?” your voice was quiet, a little defensive, “well, I don´t drink and I don´t smoke. so you do the math.” 

she pressed her hands together, looking at the floor for a moment, she seemed angry, “you´re hooked on pills, that's what you´re saying?”, you shrugged, “I don´t know if hooked is the word I´d use-” she interrupted, her tone hard, unforgiving “that´s exactly what someone who is hooked would say”, you threw your hands up, defeated, “right okay”. 

she tried to calm down a little, “how much?”, you debated lying, but it was clear you were past that, there was no point, so you told her the average amount you took, and the shock on her face didn´t feel great. “are you fucking with me? that could knock out a horse!”, her voice echoed through the empty hall, a moment of silence after, you didn´t feel shame but something related to it, seeing her react that strongly mirrored back to you how serious your situation was. she shook her head for a while, processing, her hand on your knee then, firm as she spoke, “you´re gonna have to stop that. and I mean it. that shit could easily kill you if you don´t”. you didn´t have it in you to fight then, you just looked at her, no words were coming, “oh, so that´s fine with you, yeah?”, you got angry too then.

“hey I didn´t choose this fucking life okay? I did what I could to not go insane, and considering all the nut-jobs i´ve had to deal with, I´d say i´m not doing that bad of a job”, Tess realized then that it wouldn´t help to be accusatory, she let up a little, feeling sympathy for you as she watched you nervously fidget with your clothes.

“he had no clue, did he?” she asked, quietly, you shook your head “no, thank god. he had enough to worry about” she eyed you, something like respect mixed into the obvious concern, “you really know how to keep a secret, don´t you?” she knew it must´ve been years of that habit for it to sound as casual as it did, coming out of your mouth, and it mostly pained her to think of you as a teenager doing all that, but somehow it also impressed her: the fact that nobody ever caught on. 

you didn´t smile then, but your expression became lighter, “yeah, you´re actually the only one who knows now”, that surprised her, touched her a little even, realizing that it must´ve been pretty vulnerable of you to tell her. “really?”, you nodded, “hm yeah. guess you should feel good about yourself, your intuition is still in-tact”, she almost laughed then, “right, that´s a huge consolation, that I was right about you having some fucked up secret”.

you looked at her with clear affection then, your walls had come down and she saw it, returning the look, glad she´d actually gotten somewhere with you. “well, I might have to drag you out at night, to stop all that”, you shook your head “that would not be pretty, I´d be a mess, you´d hate it”, “oh, I´d manage” she said, sounding convinced of it.

you smiled, “thank you, but no”. she got it, you were grown and had to deal with it on your own, still, she hated the idea of leaving you to your own devices. her soft spot for you had only grown softer all day; sitting next to you for hours, listening to your thoughts, your voice, the feeling of your hand as you both ran off, the feeling of you so close in that room, being trusted with something you hadn´t told anyone before. Tess was in deep, and she knew it, she tried hard to let it go, but it was a losing battle. seeing you there, your face half-lit by the weak lightbulb, your knees pulled to your chest, your eyes, tired but beautiful, it gave her the urge to reach out and touch you, make you feel better, but she kept it in, sat there stone-faced, mostly, but you saw something, it was there, her demeanor had shifted. 

for few minutes you just sat there in silence, both lost in thought, resting against the walls, eyes closed. she realized that it might be a good idea to repay you for your honesty, to not let you sit alone in the uncomfortable feeling of having shared something personal, so she spoke up, “listen. I don´t usually talk about this stuff because it´s been ages and I don´t want pity or consolation, but I lost everyone I cared about during the outbreak, truly all of them, and for a good while I thought I´d never survive it. but, here I am. and I am not saying that it´s been easy, not at all, but I did survive it, so. keep that in mind when you feel like it´s all too much.” 

you took in the words. it was rare, for her to speak of her past, you sensed that she might actually be trying to get closer to you, to bond, “I´m really sorry, that must´ve been awful. it probably still is. but you´re stronger than me, Tess, I can´t compare myself to you”. 

she shook her head “no, I´ve just had time to polish the facade, trust me. you should´ve seen me about a decade ago, I was going through it, it was ugly”, you looked at her then, realizing that beneath her tough aura that seemed so effortless, so natural, there was also a lot of pain, a lot of hurt she´d pushed through, sensitivity she kept to herself. 

it felt good, to share the feeling of being softer on the inside than either of you let on. you absentmindedly rested your head on her leg, your body clearly tired from the day, more prone to random acts of affection like that without thinking twice, you didn´t care in that moment, she didn´t either, patting your hand with hers a little, resting it there for a second. 

“you´ll be fine” she declared, you locked eyes with her, “I´ll try”, her hand squeezing yours reassuringly. “trust me, I´ve seen lost causes, that´s not you”, you looked at her then, “yeah, what am I then?”, she smiled, “a salvageable cause” you laughed then, “I´ll take that”.

she was glad to see you loosening up again. it was soothing, the dark confined space, the quiet, the vibe that had settled between you and her, it felt like you were hidden from the world, like you´d been offered a brief moment of peace, without thinking you rested your head on your knees, closing your eyes for a second, Tess watched you, feeling protective over you, her hand resting on your leg that was propped up in her direction. after a while you felt her nudging you.

“I think we should be fine to go now” she said, and you tried to mask the disappointment, wishing you could stay there with her longer, which was a feeling you weren´t alone in. 

she stood first and pulled you up, again, no struggle for her, her hand´s grip on yours too brief, you wished she´d have kept holding it like that. as you both stood there, face to face, a little raw from the personal discussion, something passed between you; the air was charged, both of you felt it, searching the other person´s eyes, your bodies barely an inch apart, but before it could lead anywhere, you both got scared of doing something you´d regret and looked away, acting casual,  or at least trying to. you made your way down to the door, she tentatively opened it, not all the way, gauging the situation outside first, but it was all quiet, so she waved you out.

it was pitch black by then, freezing, a clear night, the full moon illuminating the streets. somehow there was a shared agreement between you and Tess, that what you´d said in that little room would stay in there, almost like a confession booth; the moment you were walking down the street, you were both your usual tough selves again. 

the walk home was wordless, your house was the first you reached, and at first you just stood there, almost shy, both unsure how to say goodnight after spending the entire day together, both thinking things you wouldn´t say.

Tess broke the silence first, “so. I know you´re about as bad as me at accepting help, but I´ll say it one more time: I am here if there´s ever anything I can do for you. and maybe pick up smoking instead of.. you know” a genuine laugh from you then, “okay, good idea. and thank you. for-” you gestured around between you and her, trying to convey gratitude without specifying what exactly for, she got it, “don´t mention it, you´re by far not the worst person to be trapped in a room with” she said with a smug grin, before giving your shoulder a brief squeeze and saying goodnight. as she walked off your gaze fell down to your bandaged knuckles, and something in you told you she wouldn´t have done that for just anyone. at least you hoped so.

that night you didn´t consciously skip the drugs, her asking you to quit was not enough to kill that instinct; you simply forgot. the next morning you couldn´t even remember how you´d undressed, showered, and gotten into bed, you´d been so lost in your thoughts about Tess, that you´d somehow fallen asleep before you could reach for any self-medication. 

you couldn´t help but see the irony, that she´d berated you for the habit and without knowing it actually succeeded in getting you to stop that day, not with her words, but with the deep attraction you felt to her, the way it took over your whole mind and body, no space left for worrying about anything other than when you´d see her again. 

the next few days, nothing much changed. a whole week went by, then another, and nothing in particular was worse than the weeks before, but that was the issue; it was an endless cycle of living the same day. you felt like you were trapped doing the exact same things over and over, nothing to look forward to, nobody to talk to other than people you were involved with for work, it was just sleep and business and suppression of anything unpleasant you were feeling, every day, no moments of peace or laughter or joy, no light at the end of the tunnel. 

one night about a month after you´d last seen Tess, except for a brief nod from across the street a few times, you couldn´t take it anymore. it was late, you were alone in your apartment and the silence was killing you, the loneliness, the same routine, all of it. you had to move and get up, so you stepped outside at 11 pm, knowing there was only one person you could go to. 

you were counting on Tess still being awake at that hour. once you reached her apartment door you were nervous, the second you knocked you felt adrenaline rushing, because you realized you hadn´t even bothered to make up a lie as to why you were there. she opened the door and looked at you with a smile that said and who do we have here?.

the moment Tess laid eyes on you, she could tell you weren´t doing any better than the last time she´d seen you. the light in your eyes had dimmed even more, so she saved the jokes and the teasing, she didn´t demand an explanation, “come in”, relief washed over you as you stepped inside. you followed her down the dark hallway to the living room that was connected to an open kitchen, you took in the room and unsurprisingly it did not give much away about her; decorations were sparse, no posters on the wall, no sentimental photos, but a few candles were burning and the room seemed like a peaceful space.

“sorry, I know it´s late”, you said, slightly self-conscious, aware it might seem odd to just turn up like that, but she turned to look at you as she walked over the the kitchen, clearly unbothered, “oh no, don´t worry, I never sleep before midnight anyway”. it almost felt more humiliating, to be treated with kindness, somehow you didn´t feel deserving of it. 

she saw you standing in the middle of the room, a little timid, so she gestured over to the couch emphatically, “sit.” it sounded more like an order than an invitation, which you liked, her brand of care that always had a subtle touch of dominance to it. 

as you sat down, trying to position your body in a way that would look natural, she came over, bending down to hand you a glass of water, “here, drink”, her voice warm and strong.

she didn´t sit down next to you on the couch, but on the armchair next to it, you almost told her to come and join you but you knew how that would have sounded, so you drank up, set the glass down and faced her. 

she had crossed her legs and was leaning her head on her hand by then, watching you, her hardened face somehow much softer in the candlelight, her eyes shimmering, her hair falling down her face in loose waves, the sight making all your unexpressed feelings for her bubble up. you tried not to just stare at her as she spoke up, “so. couldn´t sleep?”.

you shook your head, leaning back a little, exhaling shakily, looking over at her, “no. not at all”. “hmm” she waited a moment before asking “wanna tell me why?”. you knew you hadn´t come over to lie, so you nodded, “yeah. well, I stopped taking anything like three weeks ago”, she leaned forward then, “that´s good, I´m glad. did anything prompt that, or did you just stop because you wanted to?”. 

she was onto something, and you felt the need to share it, “no, there was a moment. it was pretty dumb actually, one day I just fell, or collapsed I should say, out of nowhere. I know all the side effects but that one had never happened before, and I landed pretty fucking hard”. you were a little shy as you pulled up your shirt to reveal the left side of your ribs, the bruises were faded because it had been a few weeks but the outline was still very much there, faint yellow and green, the way bruises look towards the end of the healing process, the impact had spanned over multiple of your ribs. 

Tess flinched for a second when she saw your skin, a mix of attraction and pain, “jesus…” she whispered, trying to suppress the urge walk over and see it up close, “I´m so sorry, that must´ve hurt like hell”, you nodded, letting your shirt down again, a little embarrassed by the story. she was clearly affected by it, her eyes giving it away, “and let me guess, you didn´t ask for help or stay in bed, did you?”, you just looked at her, wordlessly signaling that she was right of course. 

she changed the way she was sitting then, relaxing her posture again, shaking her head a little, “what are we gonna do with you, hm?” a faint smile, eyeing you the way you eye someone who just fucked something up, but in a way that somehow makes you feel even more softly towards them. 

you continued, nervously running your hand up and down your thigh, “Tess, it´s been awful. really, I can´t sleep anymore. I am awake all the fucking time, it´s horrible.”,

your voice tinged with a sense of hopelessness that alarmed her, she tried to frame it positively for you, “well, then it´s impressive I´d say, that you pushed through for a few weeks already. despite all that”. you considered it “right, yeah I guess. but I feel no better than before. I don´t know Tess, I´m -” your gaze was cast to the floor, you were clearly struggling to find the right words, she encouraged you, “what is it? tell me”, you looked back at her again, “it´s just… is this all there is?” you vaguely gestured around, she cocked her head, “you´ll have to be a little more specific than that, sweetheart”. 

“I mean this life we´re living. of course I wasn´t naive when I was younger, it was obvious I wouldn´t get to live a dream, still, I did have hope for something. but now that I´m in it, it´s so bleak. it´s the same meaningless shit every single day, and I just can´t stomach the fact that this is gonna be my life forever. how in the world have you been doing this for so long? I don´t get it, Tess, it´s fucking killing me” your voice was different than usual, she knew your usual tone: composed, slow, unwavering, but in that moment it was flipped, you sounded panicked, and it hurt, it hurt her to see someone like you in that state, knowing how much it must´ve taken to break you down like that. 

she waited for a moment, but she just couldn´t stay in her seat any longer, so she got up and sat down next to you, speaking quietly, softly, “listen. I get what you´re saying, and I won´t deny it, it gets dark times, it definitely does, but you´re in a particularly rough spot right now, and it will not be this level of awful forever. trust me, I´d know.” 

you looked up at her then, adjusting your posture to face her properly. Tess was many things, but she was not a liar, so you tried your best to really absorb what she´d said, to internalize it. “okay. I do believe you” she nodded, glad you were receptive to her comfort, her gaze fell to your left hand then, a few leftover bruises from the fall were also visible there. instinctively, without thinking twice,  she reached out, her fingers ever so lightly running over the discolored skin, the sudden tenderness almost made you cry, she kept looking at your hand, kept holding it, “why didn´t you come to me earlier?” a genuine question. 

you were so focused on how good it felt to be touched by her that it took you a second to answer, “I don´t know. what could you have done?”, she almost laughed then, “use your imagination, the things anyone with half a heart would do for an injured person: be nice, make some tea, maybe if I was feeling really crazy even offer a hug” you smiled then, “right. that does sound good”, “yeah, too bad you´re so strict with that suffering in silence vow you took”, you regained some humor then, “well if I wasn´t, I might have shown up here like this many times already so. careful what you wish for” she grinned then, “and you think I would´ve found that horrible, yeah?” you shrugged, “I don´t know, you tell me”.

she shook her head, amused by your refusal to see that she would pretty much drop anything to help you at any given time, “I don´t do charity, sweetie. when I say I´m here for someone, I mean it” you squeezed her hand then, realizing she´d been holding onto yours for the past minute or so. you were both looking at each other, feeling each other´s leg because you were sitting so close, faces not far apart, not at all, and something shifted in a split second. it had been a while since either of you had been with someone, but in that moment it was like your bodies were simultaneously remembering what desire feels like, more intensely than ever before, and you both saw it in the other person, mirrored back. 

Tess was the first to move, she put her hand to your cheek, her thumb almost brushing over your lips, her gaze wandering over every part of your face, your breathing heavier instantly, you looked at her with pleading eyes, but she had given you that physical cue to make the decision yours. you saw her waiting, hoping, and gave in, hand on the side of her face, fingers in her hair, pulling her in for a kiss, harder than you intended, impatient, your lips warm against hers, your body immediately leaning in as close as possible, it took Tess one second to react, but the moment she felt you kissing her with that deep eagerness, it hit her: oh. this girl really wants me.

so she grabbed you with both hands and deepened the kiss, letting you climb onto her, holding you in place as you both abandoned restraint and hungrily kissed each other over and over until you felt your tongue against hers and slowed it down a little to savor it, softly moaning into her mouth, hearing her sounds mix with yours, turning each other on even more, her hands going lower and lower on your body, stopping at your waist, your back, her grip on you almost as arousing as the kiss, your whole body melting into her touch, the tension thick and heavy, your bodies almost overheating. your movements were desperate, your sounds too, everything about it was, it truly seemed like no amount of closeness was close enough, like you were so starved you might actually devour each other. 

she could feel you pushing up against her while you kissed, and as you both caught your breaths for a moment, she could tell you needed more from her, it was not the time for anything that would take too long, not in that moment, but she knew she could help you relax, release some tension, and as if you could read her mind she could hear you begging “please Tess”, your face close to hers, a shiver as she heard the neediness in your voice, luckily clothes were pretty loose, no need to fumble with a zipper or undress, she had no trouble just slipping her hand under the fabric, down to your underwear, she could hear you take a sharp breath in.

 “I got you” she reassured, “let me make you feel good, okay?”, you leaned back into the couch as she pushed you back with one arm and moved herself to an angle that would work, your legs apart then, her hand grazing your cunt through the soaked fabric.

she breathed even heavier then, feeling the effect she had on you, her fingers cold against the heat of your core, the contrast making you dizzy for a moment, shaking slightly, already sighing just from that, she cooed at you “it´s okay” as her fingers made direct contact with your cunt, her fingers sliding between your aroused lips, a moan almost leaving her as she felt your juices covering her skin, slick with it within one second, hearing you whine a little as she moved her fingers up and down, not even thinking about your pleasure for a second but her own, the thrill of having a pretty girl claim her in that sense, covering her in wetness, already fantasizing about getting her whole face up in it, tasting you. 

the thought pushed her to add more pressure to her movements, the passion taking her over, fully, moving her fingers to your clit then, sensing it was the right thing because you were louder then, shaking almost, clinging to her, “fuck…don´t stop, please” tumbled out of your mouth as she drew circles over the sensitive spot, she felt your hips pushing upwards, her eyes back on your face then, watching you come undone, her chest swelling with the pleasure of knowing it was her doing: your eyes shut, your lips parted. “you´re so fucking pretty” she whispered while feeling your cunt practically dripping onto her hand, the words pushing you towards your orgasm even faster, she could tell you were close, so she leaned down a little, facing you, pinning you to the couch as she kept teasing your clit.

the thing that got you more turned on than you ever remembered being, was the her movements were not erratic or too fast, but secure and skilled, hard but not aggressive, a slow sensuality to it that was so powerful that you whole body burned with the sensation, “fuck, I´m-” you couldn´t even from the whole sentence but she knew what you were trying to say, “just let go sweetie, cum for me”, encouraging you to cum against her hand, which you did, a violent shudder going through you as you arched up against her hand one last time, and what killed you then was the even as you came down from the climax, she was still watching you, still touching you, so drunk on the feeling of your cum all over her fingers that she just couldn´t let go before you were truly finished.

you slumped back against the couch as she got up from on top of you and sat down next to you, also a little spent, leaning back. once you were coherent again, you looked over at her, exhausted but face glowing, she turned to face you, pleased to see you smile, “god that felt good..” you said, still high on endorphins, resting your hand on her leg, she laced her fingers between yours, “yeah. it did”, making sure you knew that got just as much out of it.

“did you call me pretty or did I imagine that?” you asked, smiling at her, she grinned, realizing that you were the type to really crave praise but not ask for it explicitly, “I´ll say it again, you´re very pretty”, her voice low and sultry, a satisfied look to you. she just said what she was thinking before she could change her mind, “do you wanna stay here tonight? you can sleep over if you want, it´s late” you sat upright then, moving over to her side of the couch, getting up in her space again, hand on her chest, “yeah I´d like that”, an enthusiasm to your expression that made her happy, “okay good. we´ll have to share a blanket though” she said, you laughed then, “I can handle that I think”.

you´d already showered and changed into comfortable clothes before you came over, so she told you to just get comfortable on whatever side of the bed you wanted, while she´d go freshen up. her bedroom was similar to her living room, minimal decor, but comfortable, warm, a few of her clothes over a chair in the corner, a wooden bedside table with a few books, a small lamp, a lighter, a candle, the bedspread a soft creme color, the window half concealed by dark curtains. it somehow smelled like her, slightly fresh, slightly woody, a hint of musk in there too. at first you didn´t even want to touch anything, feeling like a kind of intruder, but the second you sat down on the right side of the bed it was too soft and relaxing not to give in and get comfortable. 

you were leaned against the headboard, still high on the feeling of her all over you, taking the room in, stretching your legs out, your hands running over the fabric of the sheets.

a few minutes later Tess she came into the room, her hair slightly damp, face fresh and glowing, dressed in a t-shirt and underwear. you were glad to see that she was already fine with you seeing her like that, even though you hadn´t seen her naked yet. 

your gaze wandered to her strong thighs as she walked over to her wardrobe and got out a pair of sweatpants, she smiled to herself, feeling your attention even though she had her back turned to you, “you´re staring” she said, her voice giving away that she enjoyed it, “I know” you responded, which made her laugh and turn around to look at you.

you didn´t even bother to pretend, you were still clearly checking her out as she got dressed, “I think I deserve something in return for that” she said as she walked over to her side of the bed and got onto the covers with you, eyeing you from the side, “yeah like what?”, she smiled, pulling you closer in one swift motion, her hand finding the bare skin of your thighs under the fabric, squeezing a little, just taking in the feeling of your soft skin, you were face to face, and your grin gave away that she could do pretty much whatever she wanted to you, “if you want me to undress I can do that you know”, you teased, she shook her head, “no, this is good, I like having something to look forward to”, that was the charming way of putting it, Tess also could´ve said we can´t fuck right now because we´re both tired and I´ll need the first time of getting a taste of you to last as long as possible. 

you blushed a little then, your hand in her hair, taking in the sight of her outside of her usual guarded physicality, all sweet and affectionate, relaxed, hand under her shirt, on her back, it was surprising to you, that nothing you did, no amount of touching her, seemed to be too much at all, even though she was not a hugger, not a person for handshakes even, so it made you feel free in your greediness for her.

 you spent a short while just laying there, half entwined, the sleepiness adding to the slow tenderness of the moment, she seemed mesmerized as her hand wandered further up your body, pushing your shirt up a little to trace your side with her fingers, you leaned in to kiss her, pulling her closer by the neck, Tess pulling your lower side close hers with the grip she had on your waist. you were dizzy from the warm sensation of her lips, her skin, your leg over hers, the way she immediately kissed you back with a need she couldn´t hide, eliciting a few low sounds of pleasure from you, you only parted once you both needed air, “come on” she said, she motioned for you to get under the covers with her, the room a little too cold to stay like that for long.

the moment you were under the blanket a shyness returned, the intimacy of truly being in bed with her like that suddenly making you hesitant to move, which she saw, and it amused her, that this girl who had no issue firing a gun, beating people up if needed, dealing godless amounts of drugs, suddenly seemed unable to just take up the personal space of a woman who was very clearly into her. the contrast charmed her, made her realize that she had a good amount of power over you but the good kind, the kind that allowed her to make you feel safe, free to show your more vulnerable self for once.

she smiled at you, “so, you wanna stay on your side or?...” 

you realized she was teasing a little, sensing your apprehension, it made you remember there was no need to be hesitant at all, so you shook your head, smiling back at her, “well come here then”. she opened her arms, gesturing for you to lay down on her however you wanted, which you did. you moved over and it felt so natural, to just lay your head on her chest and rest your arm on her stomach, everything about it felt like you´d done it before, the way Tess´s hand immediately found its way to your hair, running her fingers through it, softly, the repeated rhythm of it immediately putting you at ease, the feeling of your face against her chest reminding her how much she´d craved it all along, to feel useful, needed, to feel like her presence was actually making a difference to someone who deserved it. 

“that feels nice” you whispered, your voice sleepy at that point, your body slack against hers, she ruffled your hair a little, feeling you lean into her hand, moving it down to caress your cheek, both of you slowly dozing off, so she reached over and switched off the small light that was still on, letting you stay on top of her, soothed by your weight on top of her. usually she had a hard time falling asleep, but it was impossible to stay awake any longer, you were both too comfortable.

when you woke up a few hours later in the dead of night, you realized that you´d moved over to your own side in your sleep, and when you realized that you were too awake to drift off again, you rolled over to watch Tess, who was sort of facing you in her sleep. she looked graceful, her mouth was closed, her cheeks were a little flushed, her hair spread out over the pillow, you just laid there admiring her.

she stirred a few moments later but you couldn´t be bothered to turn away and pretend you weren´t looking, so when she opened her eyes a little, you heard her say in a raspy quiet voice “are you watching me sleep?”, you smiled, “maybe”, she shook her head a little, clearly still half asleep, you added “you´re a pretty sleeper”, a sly grin on your face, “you don´t have to suck up to me, I already like you”, Tess uttered, witty even while she wasn´t fully conscious, you protested, “I mean it”, she had her eyes closed but spoke again, “that´s very charming but you should sleep instead”, “I tried” you said. 

the liminal quality of that moment, the almost dreamlike air, made it easy for Tess to have no issue doing what she did next: she tapped you on the side of your body that was facing her “turn around”, telling you to get on your side and face away from her, “let´s try this”, she said, pulling you closer by wrapping her arm around you and getting into a big spoon type position, her chest pressed against your back then, her arm around your waist, and she was right to guess that it would help, her warmth immediately made your eyes feel heavy again, the sensation too good not to just melt into and lose yourself in. you put your hand over hers, and within about ten minutes you were both sound asleep again.

the next morning, it took you a moment to come to your senses and realize where you were, but the second you did, an unfamiliar thing happened: you were flooded with joy instead of dread. usually mornings were your least favorite part of the day, the things you had to do looming ahead of you, but as you saw the sun coming into Tess´s room, you felt at peace, content. the space next to you was empty and you could hear Tess moving around in the kitchen, so you got up, went to the bathroom to splash some water on your face, and walked to the kitchen. since you weren´t wearing shoes she didn´t hear you come in, so you just stood there watching her from across the room, smiling, until she turned around, “well, hello there” she said, unable to hide the obvious pure joy she felt at seeing you. 

it had been a long time since Tess had dated or even hooked up with anyone, let alone let someone stay over, so every little detail of being with you gave her a rush, the sight of you leaning against the wall with your face still a little scrunched up from sleep was enough to make her feel warm all over, so she was almost scared of what it would feel like once you´d actually do something explicitly romantic for her. somehow you both knew it without saying, that you were about to spend a lot of time together, that you were both in need of much more than just one night. Tess wasn´t thinking as far as being your girlfriend yet, but part of her hoped, part of her did love the idea of finally being devoted to someone the way she always wanted to be.

she waved you over to where she was standing, setting a cup of coffee down on the counter, “perfect timing, I just got done with this” she put down some sugar too in case you wanted it. you approached her, almost a little shy, knowing she was seeing you in a rather personal light then, having barely been awake for more than five minutes, but she was clearly enamored by it. you gratefully took the cup and warmed your hands against it, taking a sip, leaning against over counter, looking at her, feeling her gaze on you the entire time. it was almost too good to be true, normally your entire day was spent in a haze where nobody could reach you, and there she was, disrupting it, again and again, making you come back to life just by being there.

“you could have woken me up, you know” you said, but she just shook her head, “no fucking way, I was glad you were sleeping so well” a grin that gave away she knew it was partly thanks to her, you nodded, your face muscles almost hurting from having been frozen in a permanent smile for the past few minutes, “yeah I do feel much better than yesterday. I wonder why that is” you said while taking her hand.

she tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, eyeing you, “is there anything you need to do today?” she asked, praying the answer was no, you shook your head, “no, nothing until Monday. you?” hoping for the same answer, she thought for a moment “well, nothing I couldn´t put off for a day or two” a faint smile, you got up then, walking over to her, putting your arms around her neck,“put it off then” you said, before leaning in to tenderly kiss her cheek, her neck, whispering against her skin “please stay here Tess. please”, your voice dripping with sweetness, her breathing changed as she felt you all over her skin, she thought of course this girl is clever enough to know what begging does to me, her hands on your back then, under your shirt, “okay, I´m not going anywhere” she said, and of course she wouldn´t, she already knew that before your act of persuasion, but she liked seeing you try to convince her.

“I think we should go back to bed” you declared, staring at her, a boldness that came out of nowhere but felt exactly right, she grinned, her hands on your waist, pulling you close, “you think so, yeah?”, you just looked at her, words were unnecessary, your hunger for her apparent in your gaze, Tess felt her face growing hot. it was one thing that you´d wanted her when you were weak and exhausted and needed comfort, it was another that you also wanted her when you were well rested and fine and could´ve thought of other things to start your day with, but apparently still only had her on your mind. “let´s get you out of these then, hm” she said, tugging at your clothes, your eyes sparkling up at her before she took your hand and lead you back to her room.

as she pulled off your shirt and started kissing your chest, you had that same feeling again that you´d had years ago: despite all the pain, the darkness that had seeped into your life at times, you knew in that moment how lucky you were that someone like Tess had paid attention to you in exact right moment, that she did not just help you, but made you come alive again. 

finally, you found yourself not wanting to escape your body anymore, finally you were happy to be fully present, trying your best to soak up every little detail, the feeling of the sun spilling in, of being undressed by Tess, being admired, held by her.

it seemed like divine intervention to you, that Tess had come into your life right when you needed her the most. 

[everythingmp3]

I love your van fics sm! Could you write a teen!van? 🥺

thank you I’m glad you do🫶🏻and I never considered it before but sure I could see myself writing something for her! I’ll just give it a try and see how it goes, I’m still working on something else rn but I’ll put it on the list and try to come up with something for her

[everythingmp3]

just wanted to stop by and say I love your van fics <3 you write her so well

oh thank you so much! that’s a lovely thing to hear, I’m really glad you think so🫶🏻 it’s good to know my stuff is reaching some people who enjoy it🩷

[everythingmp3]

𝕞𝕪 𝕗𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕕´𝕤 𝕕𝕒𝕥𝕖 ୨୧

adult!Van x fem!reader (smut)

when your friend mentions that she´s been seeing someone, you don´t picture the person she introduces you to. after a few weeks of being around Van, tension builds and something is bound to happen.

minors dni. warnings: oral (reader receiving), infidelity kind of

(disclaimer: more plot! i felt like doing something slow burn-ish, and it´s basically just Van being pretty desperate.. i think adult Van is for sure the type to get tangled up in dating drama, so here you go!)

it was summer, a particularly hot one. you were back in your hometown for three months and spent most of your time catching up with old friends, which was an easy way to always have something to do; they dragged you to the lake, camping, out to clubs, to dinner. it was everything you needed after a few very stressful months before.

during the first week of being home, one of your friends told you about someone she´d been seeing, and you were curious to know what kind of person she´d go for. your friend group was diverse but still, you did not expect someone like Van to walk in that night she introduced her to the group. she was quite a bit older than most of you, rather reserved, and painfully your type. you masked your attraction well but you were immediately very affected by Vans presence, unbearably so.

the weather did not help at all; she was dressed in a white tank top, her freckled shoulders and arms on full display, her long red hair framing her stunning face perfectly, one hour into knowing her you were secretly already crazy about her. the following weeks Van came around a few times and it always went the same way: your friend talking to people, all bubbly and excited and Van just sitting there with an unconvincing smile, an air of "i´d rather not be here". it was odd, you couldn´t understand how they´d ended up dating, they were both lovely people but did not seem like a good fit whatsoever. the group was big enough and dinners included enough drinking for the strange lack of chemistry to go unnoticed, except by you.

your interest was clearly piqued by Van and a few times you swore you´d caught her looking at you too, but each time you tried to return her gaze, it escaped you, so you often just ended up studying her expression for a while, curious who this hot stranger was behind the tough exterior. after a month of multiple dinners and hangouts that included Van, you grew increasingly excited each time she was around, you tried to talk to her a few times, you often lingered around wherever she was standing, you weren´t too obvious about it, but Van noticed, and you had no idea, but it was killing her.

she couldn´t think clearly whenever you were around; your gentle face, your beautiful laugh, the way you kept paying attention to her when everyone else seemed to overlook her, it all made her feel weak and trapped, since she couldn´t just go after you, not before resolving whatever mess she was entangled in. unless she wanted trouble, unless she was willing to take that risk, which deep down, beneath all that repression: she was.

the night that things changed, it was August. summer was coming to an end, everyone had gathered at the house of your richest friend, around 20 people, any drink you could want readily available, great food spread out over a large dining table outside, the summer heat retreating and the relief of a cool breeze sweeping in. it was perfect, and yet, as always, Van seemed to be somewhere else mentally, her expression neutral at best, a hint of something else in there, maybe anger, maybe sadness, you couldn´t really tell.

around 12 am everyone was pretty drunk, you´d had a few glasses but you were sober enough to catch Van looking pretty rough next to your friend who was absolutely shitfaced, blissfully unaware of the gloomy vibe radiating off her date, so Van quietly left the table. nobody noticed. nobody but you. a few minutes passed, five, ten, fifteen, and you grew worried at that point, wondering if she was actually ill and needed help, so you slipped away too.

the house was massive but you managed to find the bathroom, the door was closed so you knocked, listening for a response but none came, so you cracked the door open, realizing it wasn´t locked, a sharp tone hitting you all of a sudden: "please no, not now" Van said, her hands gripping the sink, gaze cast to the floor. you backtracked "oh okay, i didnt mean to-" the second she realized it was you, her vibe shifted, she stood upright then, "oh its you, sorry i thought you were-" she didn´t complete the sentence but you knew she had almost said you friends name. you didn´t know this but she´d had a little crisis in there realizing she was behaving like a messy twenty year old with her dating habits, instead of a person in their forties, berating herself about being a in a mid-life crisis, until you interrupted the thoughts.

you walked in then, eyeing her, trying to figure out what was going through her mind, "yeah just me. listen, are you okay? you looked a little out of it all night", she almost couldn´t bring herself to look at you but she did, seeing you that up close only making her already red cheeks feel even hotter, "oh, dont worry, i just had a tough day". you smiled to yourself, suppressing a laugh, she questioned you, "what´s so funny?" her tone a little more annoyed than she intended, "i mean, it wasnt just today, was it? i´ll be honest, you always look like you´re being held hostage sitting next to her", Van rolled her eyes but couldn´t really deny it.

"well maybe i am?" she said, a little defeated, you were amused by her being all dramatic, "oh really? that bad? why are you still with her then? you aren´t even girlfriends, are you?" she shook her head, "no but it´s. you know. complicated. i have no idea how to break it off, the night we met i was alone and sad and drunk and it felt good to be wanted but. yeah i´m kinda lost here, it´s so dumb" she looked at you then, seeing you nod, your faint smile, irritated by your charming aura "and you´re not making it any easier by the way" she said, you piped up then, "me?? what the hell am i doing?", her gaze was charged, fixing you, "you know."

you kept protesting, "no, please enlighten me", you might have been doing it on purpose, pushing her, and she could tell. "oh come on, you keep staring at me, all the time, and it´s not very subtle" you grinned then, "only because you keep looking first". she knew you were right, she knew she´d been the one who started the whole catching glimpses from across the table thing. you continued, "besides i´m not dating anyone, i can look wherever i want. you´re the one who should be more discreet" you teased, she shook her head, clearly riled up, "stop that".

you leaned against the wall then, the door closed by that point, looking at her with a hint of satisfaction, getting more words out of her than during all the weeks before, "you know i could just leave, make this easier for you, i wouldn´t mind, i can go home".

her tone was low then, stern almost, "don´t".

"i shouldn´t go?", she shook her head "no".

"you´re sending mixed singals here, Van"

hearing you say her name, your soft voice, it was too much, her whole body reacted to it like she was being called closer. you could tell it had struck a nerve, she was looking at you from where she was standing as if she wanted to lunge at you, first it looked aggressive, then it registered as what it really was; hunger. she looked starved and you realized your barely clothed body was only making it worse, your exposed thighs illuminated by the dim light in the expensive bathroom, your bare neck, your chest, the faint glow that the sun and sweat had left, your scent, it was like you´d purposely walked into a trap in that room, of course, of course Van wouldn´t handle it well, being enclosed with you like that. it struck you all at once, and you couldn´t deny it, how hot she looked checking you out like that, one last time she tried to stop it.

"dont give me that look" she pleaded, but you were beyond hesitation by that point, staring at her in a way that gave her the final push she needed.

she stepped closer to you then, so close you could feel her body heat, could feel her bare knee grazing yours, her hands on your arms then, running over your skin, a shiver down your spine, "god you´re so fucking beautiful" she whispered to herself, already turned on just from touching you lightly, your face giving away how good it felt to have her that close, your lips parted, her fingers running over your upper arms, to your shoulders, your neck, mesmerized, "Van.." you begged, she was breathing heavily enough for you to hear it, "you know how hard it´s been for me? to be around you all the time, to feel you looking at me with those eyes? " she was breathing against your lips then, "tell me i´m right" she whispered, a hand on your chest, "admit it, you’ve wanted me all along"

you couldn´t take it anymore, no time for words, you grabbed her face, pulling her in for a kiss, feeling her push you against the wall with how eagerly she leaned into it, immediately kissing you hard enough to force you into submission, and you gladly let her take charge; mouth open, sounds escaping you during the split seconds your lips were separated, which only fucked with her head more, she was clearly starved because she waited until the very last moment to stop devouring you and catch her breath, only pulling away once your lips were swollen red and your body was practically melting into her, her hands resting on your waist as you both tried to remain somewhat composed, you thought that was it, you thought that brief moment of transgression would stay brief, but Van had other plans.

she leaned closer again, whispering, "can you be quiet?", thinking of the people down the hall. she knew that once she´d get a taste of you, she wouldn´t be able to stop, so it was on you, to control yourself, it was on you to make sure you two wouldn´t be caught. you said yes, semi confident in your ability to keep it together, as she was already fumbling with your zipper, pulling your shorts down almost violently as she got on her knees, you had no time to process, looking down at her, shaking your head, a barely audible "what the fuck are you doing" directed downwards, watching her look up at you as her strong hands grabbed your thighs, her expression had shifted from aggression to desperation, she was begging you, "please let me taste you" voice all sultry and needy, there was no way you could have said no to her then, so you nodded, feeling your body heat up even more as she ripped your underwear down too then, kissing your inner thighs while pushing your legs further apart, feeling you tense up "jesus fuck"... you were done for, and you knew it.

she bit your soft skin out of sheer desperation, leaving slight teeth marks, you knew she´d found you attractive but that level of need was a shock. she pushed her face between your legs in a way you´d rarely felt someone do, like she actually wanted to be suffocated by the sensation of your wetness, like she wanted to be buried in you, as intensely as possible, not giving a fuck about getting enough air, her fingers digging into your flesh as she pulled you down onto her face, your back against the wall, pulling one of your calves over her shoulder to get more access, groaning into you as her flat tongue ran over over warm cunt to lap up what had collected there, kissing your aroused lips feverishly all over before diving in, intense, fast movements, immediately making it hard for you to remain quiet, an unexpectedly loud moan echoing through the tiled room, which made her squeeze your thigh very hard to signal to you "shut the fuck up", which you tried, your palm over your mouth then, muffling the cries, as she held you in place, eating you out like she´d been waiting for years, not just a few weeks, switching between licking and sucking your clit, fully driving you mad with arousal, her own sounds only a non issue because you were practically sitting on her mouth, whenever you thought she might slow down she just kept going and going, humming with pleasure, your taste even better than she´d imagined, the heat of your cunt mixed with the velvety slickness, the feeling of it all over her lips, her tongue, all of it making her delirious, wishing she´d have given in sooner, making up for it by leaving no part of your cunt neglected, your hand was wet with your own spit by that point, trying hard to keep it together, she could tell you were unravelling, holding your increasingly weak legs in place over her face, her chin glistening at that point, you tried to be quiet as possible as you whined "jesus fuck im gonna-" voice cut off from another wave of pleasure.

she spoke up for a second "it´s okay, cum on my face, i got you", you didn´t need to be told twice, your hands in her hair, holding onto her, pushing her over the edge too as she focused solely on your clit, sucking hard enough to almost make you black out from it, not letting go until your knees buckled and you almost slid down the wall, biting your hand as you came against her lips, her hands still supporting you, probably having left a few bruises which you didn´t mind at all. once you were truly finished she let you go, letting you collect yourself, as she got up from the floor, a deeply satisfied grin, a glow to her, the face of a woman who´d gotten exactly what she wanted, taking in the sight of you all disheveled, your clothes still on the floor.

"here let me help you with that", she reached down, pulling up your underwear, gently, a contrast to the way she´d ripped it off, followed by your shorts, even buttoning them up for you, facing you afterwards, adjusting your fucked up hair a little, "here you go, that´s better", a tenderness to it, that she just couldn´t deny herself.

you were regaining some strength then, "i dont think anyone has ever been that desperate for me" you said, a pleased smile, pride swelling in your chest, thinking of her kneeling in front of you like she was worshipping you, Van looked at you, clearly very enamored, "no? that´s hard to believe, look at you" gesturing towards you, you were increasingly charmed by her, "right, sure", she laughed, "i mean it. if we weren´t here.." her hands roaming your body, "yeah, what then?", she grinned, "well, this would´ve just been the start" you were turned on again by that, pulling her closer, chest to chest.

"yeah? you wanna fuck me, is that it?" she was thrilled by your shamelessness, "i mean, obviously", you smiled, hands in her hair, eliciting a sigh, already having clocked that it was a weak spot for her, "hm, i think we can do something about that" your voice syrupy sweet, killing her, you thought for a second as she kept caressing you, "okay, here´s the plan. you´ll go back out there and tell them you´re tired and going home. i´ll ask if you can give me a ride because I need to be up early tomorrow, and then we´ll leave together. and the rest, well you can use your imagination" she laughed, shaking her head "you´re not wasting any time here, huh? and i thought i was the desperate one" you shrugged, unapologetic,"you think i´d just let you go after all that? too late, sorry" she smiled, "yeah. yeah it is", a shared agreement in the air.

she almost left the room then, before you pulled her back around by her wrist, "you´re forgetting something", she looked confused, "jesus christ, do you want her to taste me on your lips, when she kisses you goodbye?" you went over to grab a paper towel, drenching it in the sink, before walking over and holding her head in place while wiping her mouth and chin clean for her, Van just letting you boss her around for a moment. you threw the towel away, looking back at her after, she seemed at a loss, fully at your mercy.

"you´re gonna be the fucking end of me" she uttered.

"we´ll see" you said, smiling, patting her on the back, before pushing her out of the door, impatient, eager to see what else the night had in store.

[everythingmp3]

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐨𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 ✧

adult!Van x fem!reader (smut)

you´ve been dating Van for a while and a heated argument turns into something else, when you can’t hide that her rage is kind of a turn on.

minors dni. warnings: bottom!reader, fingering, slight degradation/domination

(disclaimer: a little longer/more plot, inspired by the few outbursts we see from Van in the show, hate sex if you wanna call it that but also more to it. anyway, I hope it conveys the vibe i was going for! enjoy xx)

fights were a rare occurrence for you and Van. you could count on one hand the amount of times you´d actually gotten loud with each other, but there was a through-line with all the fights, the same issue connecting them all: Van refusing to let you in. there were moments when you could tell that something had triggered a memory in her, which made her shut down completely but she refused to talk about it or accept help. she´d brush it off, isolate, leave you guessing, and it ate away at you every time. it was not something that happened often, but that night it just rubbed you the wrong way and it escalated to a fight. you were standing in the living room, she was by the counter in the kitchen nook, both of you pretty riled up at that point, arguing from across the room.

"you don´t tell me shit, Van, ever! I have told you everything about myself, all of it, yet you don´t tell me anything!" you said, visibly pissed off, she shook her head, eyes intense, hands grabbing the counter for support, "that´s not true. i tell you things all the time".

"you know what i fucking mean, not the things that matter! not the reason you sometimes get that look and space out and get all strange for an entire night. how do you think that makes me feel, to not be trusted with any of it?".

"it´s not about trust, i´ve said this a million times! it´s about protecting you, not dragging you into it!" she yelled, arms gesturing wildly, you just scoffed at that, "bullshit, that´s bullshit Van, i am grown, i can take it and you know it. that´s a lame excuse for your inconsiderate way of shutting me out" you were tired of the same old argument.

she got even louder then, "you have no idea what you´re fucking talking about. the kind of shit i am dealing with, that´s not for you to know, okay, it´s better this way."

"you seem to have no idea what´s better for me"

"oh really?" a sudden quietness to her tone that somehow sounded more threatening, she went over to you then, getting closer. "you think i´m wrong? you wanna know about all the fucking horror in my head? you think that´s what you need from me?", she was almost backing you against the wall then, her eyes burning into yours, her stance solid and unmoving, her chest visibly flushed from the anger. you nodded, challenging her.

"yeah? okay, you asked for it", she became spiteful, it all bubbled up in her then, "what detail do you need, huh? that i survived those 19 months in the woods by fucking eating people, friends, teammates, that i did that", you were staring at her then, your eyes fixed on hers, breath shallow, she was seething, "that they weren´t all natural deaths, that we we hunted them like animals, that we set traps, that we turned into fucking monsters out there, that i know the look of human flesh so well, that i get nauseous when i cut my finger. that´s what you wanna hear, yeah? that i was a brutal evil person, that i am scared i might still be? you happy now?" the pain in her voice was just as strong as her anger then, and all you could do was stare at her, take it all in, the sight of her overflowing with everything she´d left unsaid for so many years, her body practically on fire. in that moment, it struck you, all at once, how her strong deep voice, her attempt to corner and intimidate you, the animalistic look in her eyes, her unusual meanness; it was so different to her usual sweet way with you, that it stirred something deep inside of you. it wasn´t intentional, it just happened, your body, a sudden visceral need, a primal kind of pull towards her. you were trying to mask it but not very successfully, at first she mistook your wide eyes and shallow breath for fear, but then, she noticed it, she knew your body too well not to sense the shift, she shook her head in disbelief, leaning closer to you.

"are you fucking turned on right now?" she hissed, her eyes unrelenting, searching your face for an answer you weren´t willing to give, "you are, aren´t you? fucking hell. here i am eaten up by guilt because i am being a bitch to you and you´re getting off on it??" she was at a loss, she expected disgust, fear, shock, but not that, not the look on your face that you usually gave her when you were extremely desperate for her. "oh, so now you can´t talk back anymore, yeah?" she came even closer then, close enough to make you fully back against the wall, her breath so close you could feel it on your lips, trying not to make a sound, initially she was baffled, then something crept up in her: satisfaction. she realized she had the upper hand, which was delicious after a fight where she felt cornered, you could see it in her eyes, the switch, and you knew you were fucked.

"speak." she demanded in a stern tone, hands on your arms then, pinning you to the wall, it was horrible how hard it was not to moan just from that, your voice wavering as you returned her gaze, "i told you, i can take it.", you did it on purpose and she knew it, that way of wording it, rubbing it in her face, the repetition of earlier words suggestive then because the air was so charged, she pushed even closer to you then, fingers digging into your wrists, restraining you, "oh yeah? is that what you wanted all along? for me to be brutal and make you take it?" emphasis on the last words, almost a kind of disdain in there, "careful what you wish for" she said before pushing her knee up between your legs in one hard motion, making immediate contact with your pelvis, a sensation so violently arousing you let out a pathetic moan, wincing from it, she kept her knee there, not moving an inch, but you were stubborn, trying hard to not give her what she wanted, stifling the other sounds that were forming in your throat, so she moved her knee up against your most sensitive area through the fabric, you were whining then, breaking, losing your composure second by second, a slight grin on her face, not a generous one.

"fucking slut" the word hitting you across the face, she was not into degrading you, quite the opposite, the list of sweet names she called you during sex endless, so the harsh tone as she spat that out made you even more dizzy with heat, with the need for her to just have her way, and by that point she was deeply into the dynamic of it all, not truly angry anymore but riled up, willing to be rough, if that was what it was going to take to make you fold. you tried leaning forward to kiss her, but she let go of one of your hands and put her forearm across your chest, pressing you into the wall to keep you from doing something tender, shaking her head "i don´t think so", you were begging her then, "please just.." , an intense expression on her face as she groped your tits pretty hard, forcing more whining out of you, making you surrender, "jesus fuck i´m sorry okay".

you crying those words out softened her a little but she could tell you weren´t actually trying to apologize, you were just desperate to have her fuck you, which she couldn´t deny, so she wasted no time, "what´s that, i didn´t hear you?" she teased, as she took advantage of the fact that you´d already showered and changed, just loose sweatpants and no underwear in the way, her cold hand on your cunt in one second, a sharp breath in from you at the contact, "fuck you" you uttered, not very convincingly, shutting your eyes, she was only pushed further by that, "oh okay I see" she leaned forward, her hot breath on your cheek then, as she felt how wet you were, practically leaking, not even needing to push her fingers between your lips to feel it slick against her skin, usually she´d be gentle but in that moment she couldn´t be, pushing two of her fingers all the way into you without warning, no mercy, a loud cry escaping you then, immediately thrusting her fingers into you repeatedly, while still having you pinned against the wall, her breath ragged against your skin, her voice low and sultry, "this is what you wanted, isn´t it?".

Van was enjoying it, the power, there was a slight pain from her relentless motion but it just added to your arousal, you´d gotten soaked enough for it to feel good, the sudden change from zero to a hundred, your moans almost pornographic then, your walls throbbing around her knuckles, she leaned down, not to kiss you but to leave bites all over your shoulder, your neck, teeth digging in just enough to drive you insane, "fuck Van" you kept pleading, as she was doing her best to push you towards an orgasm, hitting the right spot, doing so with more force than usual, not wanting you to savor it but to be overwhelmed by it, pleasure as punishment, something like that, your hands were free to move again by that point, so your nails were digging into her back hard as you were chest to chest, she had no words left in her as she felt you cumming against her fingers, increasingly turned on herself, mind blank, groaning so close to your ear it just made you finish even harder, her fingers not slowing dow at all while you felt your whole body shaking, once your grip on her loosened she finally let you go, backing away from the wall, panting, her hand cramped up at that point, collecting her thoughts as you almost collapsed to the floor because your legs were done for, so you stumbled over to the couch, falling down against the cushions, exhausted.

the second Van turned and saw you resting there like that, she felt a wave of guilt rushing over herself, she was coming back to her senses and it hit her like a ton of bricks; that all you were trying to do during the fight was to get close to her, that all you ever fought her on was her unwillingness to let you be there for her during her darkest moments. you were younger than her, yet more patient, more emotionally available, which made her feel awful all of a sudden. she walked over to sit down next to you, giving you some space for a moment, the two of you just sitting there in silence, until she turned to you, reaching for your hand, her voice soft and quiet:

"hey, listen. I think I owe you an apology." you shook your head, "it´s fine really don´t-" she interrupted, "no, no i do. you weren´t saying anything crazy, it obviously just hit a nerve because it was true. i should be grateful you want to help me. sorry, really. i´m fucking stupid sometimes." a faint smile from you then, you slowly climbed over to her, half on her lap then, hands in her hair, "it´s fine. you know, i just wanted to make it clear, that nothing you could say or reveal about your life would make me leave you, ever. but i get that it´s hard to talk about it, so i´m sorry if i forced something out of you." her hands on your back then, under your shirt, caressing you as she stared up at you, enjoying the feeling of your fingers pushing her hair back, "stop that, you´re being too sweet, i don´t deserve that right now, not after all that..", you grinned then, amused "right, after calling me a slut", Van shook her head,"god don´t even-", you laughed then, "didn´t know you had all that in you", she was glad you weren´t truly hurt by it, joking about it, her gaze fell to a spot on your shoulder where she´d left a rather prominent bite mark, "jesus christ i really need to get a grip" one of her fingers tracing it, you shook your head, grinning, "oh, that part you don´t have to apologize for. I think it´s hot when you get like that. as you clearly realized and took advantage of", nudging her as you said this, she smiled then, "i did like seeing that look on your face" she admitted, a grin, "but don´t get used to it, i like this much better", leaning in and placing a tender kiss on your shoulder, your neck, pulling your face down to lazily press her lips against your cheek, your temple, your forehead, hearing you sigh softly, pulling away after a while to face you again.

"trying to make up for something there, Palmer?" you teased, hands on her neck, she eyed you, head tilted to the side, smiling, just taking in the view of your flushed face, "i think i can do better than that if i´m really trying to make it up to you", you raised your eyebrows, "oh yeah?", she nodded, hands on your waist then, pulling you closer, "yes. I´ll have to get on my knees to really deserve forgiveness, don´t you think?", your eyes wide then, impressed by her sudden smoothness, "i won´t stop you from trying", your lovestruck eyes giving away that she was of course already forgiven, feeling her shift from underneath you, pulling you up, "come on then, let´s go to bed" a gentle squeeze on your hand, making you realize that her being rough had its appeal, but would never compare to the feeling of her being all sweet and loving.

it didn´t fail to make her emotional that night; the realization that you truly did not care about what she´d shared with you, that you still saw her as just as worthy of your love as before. it would lead to her spoiling you even more the days and weeks after, if that was even possible.

[everythingmp3]

𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕤 𝕖𝕞𝕓𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕖・❥・

adult!Van x fem!reader (smut)

you come back to Van´s after an exhausting week and she gets an idea about what might please and soothe you at the same time

minors dni. warnings: bottom!reader, strap

(disclaimer: hi! this came to me as an idea about being her partner and being comforted by her, a little more intense, i hope my vision makes sense, enjoy <3)

it was nothing out of the ordinary, to spend a Friday night over at Van´s place, being taken care of and cooked for by her, but that night it felt different. you´d had a pretty rough week and your nerves were raw, the only thing that had kept you going was the thought of being reunited with her by the end of the week. people had been pretty careless with you the days before, you were drained from it and showed up at Van´s apartment feeling pretty vulnerable, so every little act of kindness she showed you, hit you right in the heart, it all made you emotional; they way she caressed your face, the way she kept looking at you all tender and lovestruck, the way she remembered your exact preferences for the meal she made you. you were good at keeping your composure, so she didn´t realize, how close to tears you were.

naturally, you ended up in her bedroom towards the end of the night, sometimes you just had sex on her couch when it was spontaneous and you didn´t need it to last that long, but when you wanted to take your time, make it intimate, you moved to the bed. that night both of you were eager to do it properly, make the most of it, after having been apart for a few days. she undressed you very carefully, savoring it, kissing your shoulders and chest after she pulled your top of, kissing your knees, your thighs after your jeans fell to the floor, hands firm on your waist. it made you feel even more overwhelmed with feelings for her, to be seen as deserving of nothing but softness, after having taken a lot of harshness from others. Van’s devotion to your well being was not something you took for granted.

you were on your back, hands around her neck, legs around her waist, as she slowly started fucking you, her arms by your side, eyes fixed on yours as her strap entered you, her movements not aggressive but passionate, the thrusts deep but not too hard, allowing you to relax into it, to feel the sensations without rushing it, it only took a short while of her hovering over you and getting into a rhythm until the intensity took you over, your body hot, face flushed, breath heavy, and before you could stop it a few tears formed in your eyes, the intimacy of the moment made it impossible for her not to notice, you tried your best to keep it in but she saw, and before the question could even leave her lips you tightened your grip on her and shook your head "don´t stop please I need this, it just hit me today how good you are to me, how grateful I am I´m sorry this is-” her face had changed, a hint of concern, she put her hands by the sides of your face, taking your order and not stopping but still, making sure you were okay “oh baby it’s fine, please don´t apologize, I got you okay?” she leaned down to kiss your cheeks where a few tears had rolled down, tasting the saltiness, leaving kisses all over your face, as she kept slowly pushing into you, your eyes closed then, feeling better by the second because of her reassurance mixed with the pleasure that was building up at your core.

it gave Van an idea, the emotional nature of the sex you were having, so she pulled away, "i think i know what you might need, come on, lay down on your side for me" she gently helped you get into the position she wanted you in, "that´s it" you placed your head on the pillow, sensing where things were going, feeling the anticipation make your blood rush because because it was not what she usually did, you instinctively angled one of your legs up a little, "yes, like that, good" she praised, settling behind you as big spoon, kissing your neck for a moment, one arm reaching over your side to pull you back against herself, her hand gently squeezing your tits, feeling you melt into her, she positioned herself at an angle that allowed her to enter you again, hearing you take a sharp breath in, the sensation even better than you expected, "fuck.." you uttered under your breath, moaning a little, "you like this hm?" she whispered, pleased by your reaction, her breath hot on your neck, sending a shiver down your spine, you nodding, getting louder as she got a feel for it, how to do it that way, feeling you push yourself back against her, your back warm and soft against her chest, making her vocal too, which turned you on even more, to hear her moaning into your ear as she fucked you, holding you close, making it both hot and tender, "fuck that feels so good" you encouraged her in a breathy, whiny tone, as the feeling of her arm holding you in place mixed with her strap filling you made you shake from how aroused you were, your body increasingly restless, her grip tightening a little in response, her lips on your upper back then, the easy access too tempting, kissing you up to your shoulder, as she felt you coming undone, "hm, always so good for me, so pretty" she praised, "fuck Van.." you cried, feeling her hit the right spot, her own wetness increasing from the sound of her name in that voice of yours, all needy, all desperate, your hand frantically reaching back to get some kind of grip on her, feeling her hair, part of her face, "you wanna cum for me?" she cooed, the sound you made a clear yes, your head pressed against the pillow, hair messed up, leg angled upwards even more then to really give her enough space to thrust in as deep as she could, giving you a last few harder pushes, refusing to loosen her grip on you as you came, making you finish pressed against her, feeling every move of your muscles, letting you take your time to give into the climax in full, only letting go once you stopped moving.

you laid there a second as she took off the strap, enough energy left in you to get up and pull her down onto the bed again, a smile on her face, as you kissed her, your hand wandered down her body, a slight moan from you as you felt how wet she´d also gotten, you broke the kiss, unable to just let it go, pushing her back agains the pillows to crawl down to her legs, without warning going straight in and licking up what had leaked out of her, "jesus fuck.." she groaned, barely processing, you could tell she was pretty spent already but you couldn´t help yourself, your fingers on her clit then, watching her as you got her to cum against your hand pretty quickly, the arousal from fucking you still rushing through her body at that point.

she shook her head, cheeks red, as you joined her, an arm over her flushed chest, leg resting on top of hers, "I can´t believe I just cried.." you said, a little embarrassed as the memory came back, drawing circles on her bare skin, she caressed your back, "oh come on it was sweet. but you´re okay, right?" she inquired, her hand squeezing yours, you nodded, "yes, don´t worry, it might sound dramatic but i just love you so much. I´ve never been treated this well, ever, it sometimes makes me a bit emotional I guess" she kissed your head then, "well, you make it very easy, sometimes i honestly don´t know where to put all my love for you" you looked up at her then, face glowing and content,"i´´ll cry again if you keep going" you joked, getting a laugh out of her, before pulling her face down for another kiss, feeling her move the blanket up over your exposed bodies so you could just stay like that for a while before showering and getting ready for bed together.

[everythingmp3]

𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕙𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕦𝕤 ✧ ˚ · .

Van Palmer/Taissa Turner x fem!reader (smut)

some ideas about what a threesome with them might look like if they were still a couple as adults

minors dni. warnings: bottom!reader, oral, strap

(disclaimer: let´s be real, they´re the kind of couple you´d wanna join, for obvious reasons... this is mostly pure filth, not much of a story, so if you´re in the mood for that: this one´s for you)

the way it happens is that Van keeps eyeing you across the bar and Tai immediately clocks it, amused by how horrible her poker face is, watching her look back at you three, four, five times until she finally says "you´re into her, aren´t you?" with a smile that gives away that she´s not jealous, but getting an idea

Van is reluctant at first, so Tai is the one to talk to you, noticing that you looked back at them multiple times, she´s smooth, she mentions how pretty they both think you are, how they don´t do this often but would love to take you home with them, how they´d treat you really well

once you´re at their place, it starts out on the couch, they sit on either of your side, touching you, feeling you up, showering you with compliments "you´re so beautiful" both of them cooing at you, "look at that face Van, perfect, isn´t she?" as Tai runs a finger over your lips, "hmm, can´t remember the last time we saw anyone as hot as you " as Van squeezes your thigh, before they kiss your neck from both sides, both instinctively placing one of their hands on your chest, grabbing, as they leave kisses all the way down your throat, all of you turned on from hearing not one but two people in the room making noises of pleasure

you all get needy very fast so Tai takes charge and pulls you up, telling you and Van to follow her to the bedroom, you grab Vans hand, she smiles, interlocking her fingers with yours

they see you trying to take your clothes off but immediately intervene, Tai pulls off your shirt while Van pulls down your pants, Tai tearing off your bra and grabbing your tits the second the shirt is off, Van kneeling for a moment and kissing your legs

they make you get on the bed before them, watching you, looking at each other for a second, excited, thrilled by the feeling of pursuing someone as a team, "let me see you kiss" you tell them, enjoying the sight of them together, which turns them on even more, they get on the bed and make out for a second, which switches something in you

you crawl over to them and interrupt them, immediately pulling Van in for a kiss, barely letting her catch her breath, her hands wandering to your exposed back, yours to her face, Tai breathing heavy as she watches Van being devoured by you, seeing how much she likes it, praising you "god you look so hot", you turn to her and give her a kiss too, just as eager, hearing Van panting next to you, catching her breath, her hand lingering on your thigh

Tai bites your lip a little and kisses you very aggressively for a while before you both need air and all three of you stare at each other trying to figure out what to do next

"come on baby, I know you want to, let me watch you eat her out," Tai says to Van who smiles because it´s true, she´s dying for it, "is that something you want, hm?" Van asks you, eyes burning into you, "yes, please" you get out, your voice a little unsteady from uneven breath, "so polite, what a sweet girl you are" Tai whispers, as she makes you get comfortable, while Van positions herself between your legs, holding you by your thighs, Tai settling down behind you, cupping your tits with her hands from behind, letting you lean against her, kissing your neck for a moment, "just lay back and relax, she knows what she´s doing, trust me"

Van´s initial shyness gone at that point, she´s hungry and looks like it, her gaze intense as she pulls down your underwear and gets to see you entirely naked for the first time, she takes it in for a second, "your body is perfect, you know that right?", making you blush a little, before she kisses your inner thighs, fingers digging into the smooth flesh, sucking here and there, probably leaving some marks, until she finally just goes for it, no hesitation, her tongue starting out by licking up the wetness that had collected, savoring the taste and feeling, until she pushes her tongue between your lips, fast needy movements, hearing you moan, feeling your body react, as Tai watches in awe, her hands still caressing your chest, your waist, your stomach, "feels good, hm?" she whispers, leaving a kiss on your cheek, "let her hear it, how much you like it, she´ll reward you" she says, knowing how much Van loves hearing her partners make all kinds of sounds, so you obey, not biting your lip but being louder, sounding more desperate as Van enters you with her tongue and increases the pressure, letting you push yourself against her face, enjoying the feeling of being used by you, your hips moving upwards

your first orgasm approaches and they can tell, Van firmly holds you in place as she sucks on your clit, hard, making you lose the last bit of composure you had, refusing to stop until she´d feel you cum against her mouth, Tai talking you through it, "it´s okay, we got you", you move against Van´s mouth pretty hard a few last times until you finish from the feeling of her relentlessly stimulating your clit while her fingers gave you that pleasurable kind of pain of being forced to stay in place, Van licking up your juices as come down from the climax, panting and laying there unable to think, "god you taste so fucking good, i could do that for hours" she said, wiping her mouth, adjusting her hair, grinning at the sight of you all messed up

"but I´ll let her continue. you can take more, right? because she´ll give it to you" she teased, you loved the sound of that, your body aching for it, "i can take it", Tai moved down, switching places with Van, "can i fuck you, baby? is that what you want?" she cooed, her fingers teasing your still aroused and sensitive cunt, "hm, yes, please I need more.." you begged

just what she needed to hear, Tai walks over to their drawer getting out the strap, putting it on while Van stays next to you, using the moment to kiss you, hard, the two of you making out sloppily for a few seconds, moaning and turning Tai on even more from across the room, Van´s hand lingering near your core as she pushes her tongue in your mouth, feeling you surrender to it, whimpering a little, until Tai approaches the bed again, "jesus... i could watch you two all night" she says, spreading your legs, pulling you closer to the edge of the bed, Van taking the cue and letting you breathe for moment, watching Tai guide the strap to your entrance, "you ready?" she made sure, you nod, "yes, please, i need -" Tai takes the hint, wasting no time, pushing into you, not all at once but fast enough to hear you let out a cry, Van still next to you, her eyes on your face, her hand on your chest, soothing you as Tai slowly pushes herself all the way into you, letting out a low groan

Tai quickly abandons restraint, building up a pace, her thrusts deep and hard from the start, leaving you no time to get used to the intense pleasure, a mix of whining and moaning from your lips, a hint of pain to the sensation, making your head spin with how good it feels to have Tai fuck you like that, all desperate and overcome with want for you, hearing her praise you "hmm, such a good girl", her hands on your hips to push you down onto herself, to make it as passionate as possible, "you´re doing so well", Van encouraging you,"so beautiful", her hand caressing your face, admiring the sight of your eyes shut in pleasure, your mouth parted, using the moment to put two of her fingers between your lips, feeling you suck on them, momentarily stifling your sounds, Tai barely able to contain herself, the sight of that mixed with the satisfaction of having her way with you making her dizzy with lust, fucking you the way she fucks Van when they´re really into it, the newness of having you there making her want to show off, leaving no ounce of her strength unused, her strong hands gripping you hard, denying you the ability to move away even an inch, feeling you come undone

Van´s hand wanders to your clit, applying pressure to eventually make you cum even harder, while Tai continues fucking you, lost in the rush of her power over you, Van adding to it with her touches, completely overstimulating you in the best way, "yes, fuck, right there" you moan, as Tai angles herself upwards to really hit the right spot, "don´t stop" you beg the both of them, Van´s fingers slick with your wetness, teasing you, while Tai gives you a few final deep thrusts to send you over the edge "just like that, baby, just like that, cum for us" she uttered, Van not letting her hand move away until they could both hear and feel you orgasm for second time that night, your legs tense, your body shuddering, a few final cries, before Tai slowed down, pulling out once your muscles went slack and you laid there spent and exhausted, freeing herself of the strap to join you and Van on the bed again

both of them were out of breath but they had enough energy left to shower your flushed body in kisses, all over, worshipping you in a way

"god. you two are killing me...once i catch my breath, it´s one of your guys´ turn. tell me what you want and I’ll do it" you announced, meaning it, eager to please, they were stunned "how did we get this lucky? first girl we take home and she´s an angel" Van said, half joking, half serious, looking up at Tai, then at you, "i guess i have to thank you for that, you were the one blatantly checking her out earlier" Tai teased, all three of you smiling, touching each other. it would be a long night...

[everythingmp3]

𝕚𝕞𝕡𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕥 ⋅⋆☆⋆⋅

adult!Van x fem!reader (smut)

you are her younger partner and get an idea during date night that might qualify you as a bad influence on her

minors dni. warnings: top!reader, semi public sex, oral, fingering

(note: i know i don´t interact much on here bc it´s just a side blog, but i saw some of you followed me, so thanks <3 I had fun with this one, hope u enjoy xx💌)

it was finally Friday night after a long week of you and Van barely seeing each other, so she had taken you out for a nice dinner, to properly make up for the time you´d spent apart. after leaving the restaurant it was still light out and neither of you wanted to go home just yet, so she drove you to a beautiful spot overlooking a lake, just in time to witness a golden sunset. you decided to just enjoy the view on a bench for a while, sharing some pastries she´d brought for desert. you were the only two people around, it was peaceful, idyllic.

as the sun set, it got increasingly cold and Van´s freckled cheeks grew pink, you kept staring at her from the side, captivated by her; the way her pretty hair fell down her shoulders, the way her soft lips glistened in the remaining sunlight, the way she looked like she was blushing. you were suddenly overcome with desire for her, eager to get your hands on her. you knew that the drive back home was gonna take about an hour but you wanted her right there, in that moment, more than anything.

"can I ask you something?" you said, breaking the silence, looking at her, grinning a little. she eyed you, wondering what was going through your mind, "depends" she said, her voice low, so you leaned closer, "have you ever had sex in your car?", she raised her eyebrows, a little stunned by the sudden bold question ,"no, never", you kept looking at her, unwilling to let it go, determined "and...would you ever?", your hand on her thigh now, giving away exactly where you wanted things to go, it became clear to her, "okay I see, you´re trying to corrupt me, aren´t you?" you smiled, your other hand in her hair now, her weak spot; anything resembling hair pulling got Van to her knees immediately, always, "maybe, yeah" you admitted, watching her expression change, obviously affected by your attempt to persuade her.

you leaned even closer now to whisper to her "i want you so fucking bad, i can´t wait until we´re home, i need you, please Van" placing a kiss on her temple, then on her cheek, traveling down to her neck, kissing her tenderly, breathing in her familiar scent, already feeling yourself grow hot and excited, a groan her escaped her before answering "fuck it, you win, come". she took your hand and pulled you up, looking around to make sure you were truly the only people around, dragging you to her car, your face lit up now, satisfied from seeing her fold so easily.

she got into the back seat, you got in on the other side, banging the door shut so loud she laughed "jesus you´re eager", the second she closed the door on her side you were all over her, pulling her towards you, kissing her sloppily, almost biting her lips from how desperate you were, both of you moaning into each other´s mouths now, your hands grabbing her face, hard, your fingers running through her hair, pulling a little, getting a whimpering sound out of her.

you backed away, panting, pulling up her shirt and the tank top underneath, almost violently, grabbing her tits with your cold hands, hearing her gasp, her nipples immediately growing hard from the touch, "fuck..." she cursed under her breath, her head now resting against the door, eyes closed, legs sprawled out over the backseat, you on top of her, your mouth attached to her chest, tongue running over her skin, sucking, savoring it, making humming sounds from the pleasure, her breathing now irregular and interrupted by moans "god, you feel so good".

you needed more of her so you unbuttoned her pants, dragging them down to her ankles, including her underwear, which left her exposed to you, her thighs already pushing upwards in anticipation, your hands pulling them apart a little to position yourself between them, "you have no idea how much i want you" you whispered, taking in the sight of her, flushed, panting, almost angelic looking, "you´re so fucking hot" she praised, staring at you, turned on by the way you were admiring her body, "please..." she begged, needing you as badly as you needed her.

you placed your hands on her thighs, holding her in place, caressing her a little before kissing her inner thigh all the way up, biting down here and there, feeling her wince a little, until you could finally run your tongue over her wetness, a shudder running through her from the sudden contact. you couldn´t be slow with it, you were too hungry for her, your face buried within seconds, tongue diving in with deep, needy movements, sliding up and down between her aroused lips, your mouth stopping at her clit for a moment, sucking the sensitive spot, hard enough to make her moan without regard for how loud she was being, her hands grabbing your head, your hair, encouraging you to keep going, to give into your need to devour her.

the thing that immediately drove you insane when you and Van first started dating, was how this very composed and chill seeming person was so unbelievably sensitive to physical touch, anything you did to her, a gentle squeeze here, a lingering hand there, was enough to turn her into a needy mess; sometimes an unexpected kiss on her exposed shoulder was enough to hear her breathing get heavy all of a sudden, so during sex it was that times a thousand. nothing pleased you more than always feeling her body not just want, but need yours.

you were deeply enjoying the feeling of having your way with her out in a public space like that, the urgency of it, the way you were literally all over her due to a lack of space, eating her out like you´d been apart for months when it had only been a few days, sounding pretty desperate yourself while sucking on her overstimulated skin, feeling her writhe under you, Van´s hair all messed up by then, her top still pulled up over her chest, the hottest sight imaginable to you.

after a while your hand wandered up to where your mouth was already busy, you looked up at her from between her legs for a second, seeing her nod, urging you to do it, so you ran two fingers over her, eliciting a gasp, before pushing them inside of her and starting to fuck her slowly, feeling and hearing her unravel, her hand clinging onto the seat for support. you continued the motion with your fingers, curling upwards, hitting the spot, feeling her hips bucking hard against you, licking her clit to add to the sensation, relentless in your pursuit to make her feel as good as possible, you could tell she was close, her muscles contracting more and more each passing second,"it´s okay baby, do it, i got you" encouraging her to let go, feeling her thighs trying to squeeze together but keeping them apart. a few final hard pushes from your fingers mixed with your tongue on her made her body shudder and tense up one last time before you could feel her legs relaxing a little and her breathing become steadier again, removing your hand but still lazily licking up her juices while she came down from the climax, telling her how good she tastes.

finally, you got up from between her legs, adjusting your hair, wiping your mouth, your chin, smiling at her, seeing her face all red and glowing from the high, mouth still parted. you had gotten so wet from pleasing her and hearing her moan and whine that you reached down your own pants to quickly finish yourself off but she intervened, sitting upright, shaking her head, "no stop, my turn, let me take care of you", you nodded, obeying, feeling her hand reach down your underwear, "god..." she groaned, feeling how wet you were, the fabric practically dripping, she knew she didn´t need to do much at all, her fingers sliding between your folds for a second, gathering some of the wetness before rubbing your clit, watching you close your eyes, your hand on her shoulder to steady yourself, finishing very shortly after, too turned on to last any longer, pulling her hand up from between your legs to kiss her fingers, her knuckles; a moment of spontaneous pure tenderness. she was your partner after all, not just a hookup.

once Van could actually form a clear thought again, she shook her head in disbelief, realizing what you two had just done, somewhat in public, “fucking hell...you´ll get us trouble one of these days" she said, leaning back, smiling, eyeing you, so obviously enamored, "take it as a compliment" you responded, smiling back at her, "i never wanted someone badly enough to talk them into car sex. believe it or not, i wasn´t usually this desperate before you", she laughed, reaching for your hand, her thumb running over your palm,"really? i am that irresistible, hm?" her eyes sparkling in the moonlight that was illuminating the dark scenery around you, "actually yes, you are" you responded, laughing too, but fully meaning it.