eviedreams8

[eviedreams8]

Standing up two girls at once. You deserve the sleep and I’m in your bed I understand that you should definitely be asleep right now but you said you’d walk me home. That other girls is blowing up your phone waiting for you to GO TO HER HOUSEEEE are you kidddddding me. The amount of times I asked you to come to mine over our two year relationship and you didn’t but this girl lives GOD knows where and you were hopping on the red line train for her at 12am. Was I never worth the effort to you.

[eviedreams8]

I’m scared of never feeling the sense of belonging in a group of people again

[eviedreams8]

Can we admit that what we had between each other was beautiful but what we did to each other was not good.

[eviedreams8]

Sometimes i wish my body showed more tansu. Then it does I ish I was asked what happens more times I feel the pain of of everything that’s ever happened but I can’t show it

[eviedreams8]

I thought I was the light, the sun shining down in on people in my life. Maybe I was. I’m not anymore when I try to open the curtains open my thoughts my heart the night sky fell through I tell the person no look the sun is shining and they peer through the window and humor me by saying “yeah!? wow the sun is so bright it hurts my eyes”. I say “no, it shouldn’t hurt it should be warming your skin your heart your soul”. I then open up the door to stand under my sun and make them step outside as I’m standing out there my sun burns my own skin but I convince them “hey come on out here it’ll melt all your ice, doubts and fears”. As they step outside they’re standing in the pitch dark no sun no moon no stars.

Work in progress.

[eviedreams8]

It can’t even be argued anymore. I am a bad person I don’t hold people in my heart the way they should be held. There may be something wrong. I have hurt almost everyone I love by not showing up for them by being jealous instead of happy for their achievements by lying and never being loyal or faithful. I am on a destructive path of self with no purpose and wanting to ever get off. How could anyone ever want to be in a relationship with someone who is so scared of pushing you, pushing themselves to be better and to reach out friends and family’s. Like I don’t want to be involved in any personal relationship of my persons unless it is easy or somewhat beneficial to me. At the same time I’ve felt like I’ve spread myself so thin for everybody else that I have no interpersonal relationship with myself. How can these two things be true at once.

How has my brain become so jumbled. Is it his words or is it my actions and thoughts it feels like I’ve been split into two and I’m trying to think of how I’ve behaved two years ago and it was pretty similar and it was pretty much worse but there wasn’t someone watching me up close like there has been now. I knew I wouldn’t be a good partner cause I knew I never lived a nice lifestyle and having someone besides your mother call you on it has been hard. I don’t know how I feel about him anymore. He understands me. I thought I understood him too but I don’t even know how to talk to him anymore and that scares me. Maybe too much has happened for it to ever be good again and for me to ever be good again. I don’t want to keep living as who I am anymore I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be in my brain anymore. I’ve tried to revamp myself so many times it’s very hard to do cause those old ways always come back. So maybe people never change until everything in them has died. I thought I’ve been here before.

[eviedreams8]

I am so unbelievably jealous of people younger than me become themselves before I got to be able to become my myself.

You can’t be who I want to be I’m older than you.

I’m too young to be that yet you are being me more than I am me.

[eviedreams8]

When I’m sixty four

One day this day will be a faint memory just like all the other days before this one.

[eviedreams8]

[eviedreams8]

I was never born to experience life I was here to observe it

[eviedreams8]

I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately and like I constantly am feeling rushed by my own self. I think wednsdays are the days I will

If the one person I’ve been trying to prove my love to for the past two years of my life I been loyal over given gifts and do the things they ask. If he can still ask me if I care bout him two years into this if he can think I am the most selfish person then that means all those times I’ve sat in my room kicking the shit out of myself tearing my whole self apart. That means I was right. My lowest moments I was correct to feel that way.

That’s not how he should make you feel. He should make you feel like the most important beautiful caring selfless person he’s ever known. Maybe we’re it’s all just wrong. He doesn’t see me the way I see him. Or he’s just clouded by his own mind at the moment and doesn’t mean the things he says.

Nothing in my life has ever been conventional. The one time it felt normal was in my first semester of college. Had a boyfriend who I met in normal circumstances. Had friends went on double dates. My friends were my boys friends not my own Went to class and did homework. I didn’t have that one best friend I always wanted I had that my second semester that was probably the only time I had my own group of friends since I was in sixth grade. I don’t think I fit well in this neighborhood. It rejects me it’s my own fault that. I don’t think I like conventional. I think it’s boring. I enjoy putting my self in a position where I am uncomfy. It fuels me

When I was little all over wanted to be was a princess and a ballerina. I loved dancing in my tutus and princess dress. I. Loved princess movies. I was completely entranced by them like it was me living them out. That was my life then when the imagination stopped and I could no longer entrance myself into these movies or my Barbie dolls. I searched my whole life for feeling that same way. And instead got very lost.

I viewed that as a positive thing and in a way I think I learned a lot my second semster but I also think I lost my soul touch to people. I think I was able to give people a sense of comfort and can get things out of them to heal them. I think he stole that

I’ve been searching for that feeling ever since. Instead I learned to entrance myself into porn unfortunately I was very young when that happens and it took over me. Now that I am in love and don’t want that anymore I’m trying to be a princess again.

[eviedreams8]

This brain of mine keeps winning. I think 100% I’m an alcoholic. It’s not a good way to live. Every week I say ok not drinking everyday this week I end up drinking a lot more during the week then anticipated I don’t know the last time I’ve truly been able to stop. There’s been days in my social calendar where I don’t have to but other people are so I do. But it’s not required nor is it mandatory that I drink on days nothings going and yet I can’t quit. How do I stop and how do I move onto my life.

[eviedreams8]

Nobody in their world makes me as crazy as you make me.

I think I learned that kind of love from my parents. How do Iknow if that’s true love.

[eviedreams8]

I think as a modern society our brain has split into a new level of consciousness. If you are apart of any present conversation recently then i don’t know about you but I have noticed that conversations are different now then they used to be when I was little. I was little them so I’m unsure about what people talked about but from where I’m concerned is that older generations and probably latest being 50 to youngenings that conversation has become a generalization of collective videos you have seen. I was talking to my boyfriend and said social network wolf of Wall Street American psycho are all movies in the same catogory in my brain because I’ve seen so many men on my fyp say how great these movies are

[eviedreams8]

I’m jealous of every past moment I was able to kiss your lips. Because when life doesn’t allow me to be with you I feel estranged from you.

[eviedreams8]

It’s my dad’s 69th birthday and we’re in his second favorite bar right now our neighborhood. The one he used to bring me to he’ll have a miller life and I had red Gatorade and pretzels. I keep imagining his funeral and I can already feel a bit of the pain on how I think that’s going to feel. Listening to all his favorite songs. In my life Beatles

[eviedreams8]

Albert just pushed down the guy that has been creeping me out for two three years

And the entire Kelly’s seen

You know how famous woke come out with sa and they’re like she’s lying but they’re really telling the truth. I can’t imagine that feeling on a larger scale

The feeling of relief and scarceness you feel afterwards the feelings of don’t feel bad and whatever

Everyone knwos now I feel like a have a stay twenty feet back sign on my back cause who wants to get close to a girl who’s cured wolf. Although to me it isn’t wolf it is