evieisclean - Tumblr blog

[evieisclean]

I hate feeling trapped.

Something's misaligned inside me right now and I'm not entirely sure what it is.

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Do you think I'd be prettier as a girl?

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My Dad broke down into tears tonight.

He came into our room drunk, couldn't even open the door when he got back, and said that he was going to jail when we returned home from vacation.

It was heartbreaking to see. He kept saying that he was a bad person, that she betrayed him, that he was all good (when obviously he wasn't).

I'm seriously over the step-bitch. She may be living in delusion but she needs to snap back into reality real quick.

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So this is the post that gave me a depression attack at work.

In short, this post says that when writing disturbing content, do not treat it as a good thing. Give it the respect it deserves. In the comments however it turned moreso into a moral issue about whether disturbing content should be written at all.

I agree with this post for the most part. The comments freaked me out though. I am a disturbing author. I have written things in the past (fanfic things) that romanticize and fetishize abuse. This post made me question my morality and my reasoning behind these decisions.

I came to the following conclusion: I am terrified and what do terrified animals backed into a corner do? They lash out.

All of the victims in these stories are men. I have never (to the best of my knowledge) written any story where a woman was violently abused.

For most of my life, I have had to deal with men pushing my boundaries emotionally. Whenever I got into relationships with men, my physical and sexual boundaries were often pushed. The worst case of this was my first boyfriend, with whom I had been best friends for 8 years. It was his boundary pushing that has stayed with me moreso than even the sexual pushing that my last boyfriend inflicted onto me. I'm not going to call it rape because I technically agreed to it (though it was more along the lines of me just wanting to do it to see if I would like it or not... And also to shut him up).

The state of the world right now, with Donald Trump a candidate for presidency and the overturn of Roe V. Wade, is also terrifying. MAGA is a cult, I truly believe that. Traditional Christian values are on the rise once again because people are afraid of things they don't understand. The fear mongering surrounding the safety of children (a fear tactic that has been used for centuries) is also at an all time high on both sides of the political sphere.

I am two minorities: a woman and part of the LGBTQ+. I am a prime target for MAGA and Project 2025.

At the end of the day, I firmly believe that these extremists do not view women any differently than cattle. Breeders to carry on the line, to remain beautiful and quiet, to be discarded when they are no longer of use. I used to believe that these beliefs were held only by a minority. With the betrayal of my first boyfriend as well as several unsafe instances at work, I no longer believe that.

I believe that these beliefs are intrinsic within the patriarchy. They are scared now more than they ever have been before, so they are lashing out in ways that will demoralize and dehumanize us...

It's my anger and terror that drives me to write things as dark as my prior fanfics. I think I see it as leveling the playing field in some sort of fucked up way.

You want to terrorize me in real life? I will give you fucking nightmares on the page.

As I construct my original wip, I made the decision to not include graphic rape scenes in the main story 1) because it doesn't serve the plot and 2) it fetishes something that should not be fetishized. Will I write these scenes for my own enjoyment, my own catharsis? Most likely I will. Will these scenes ever see the light of day? Most likely not. Will these experiences be crucial to the plot and characters? 100% yes.

I am a good person. I have NEVER wanted to hurt someone in real life. I know what is right and what is wrong. I know what is legal and illegal. I know what my limits are. I know that what I've written in the past contained harmful stereotypes in regards to rape and sexual assault.

I will do my best to tread lightly around these dark topics within my wips. In regards to fanfiction however, I cannot make that promise. When the world is better, when men finally put aside their egos and respect women and other minorities, then it will be time to retire the extremist fanfics.

I honestly need therapy, but there's always that fear of being ridiculed, of being ostracized. Some people will think I deserve to be ostracized, but I know I don't. I'm just scared. I'm just fucking tired of being scared. I don't want to do this anymore.

At the end of the day, dark topics such as rape should always be treated with respect, point blank period. This is especially true if you are planning on making money from your creations or if you are going to mass produce your creation. I may sound like a hypocrite, but I am simply speaking my truth.

I want to be a good person. That's all I've ever wanted to be.

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Can I be so 100% honest rn every time I see someone like freaking out scandalized by sexual elements in horror I'm kind of just sitting here like Yeah dude I love combining the erotic and grotesque it's my favorite pastime. What do you mean "the writer's barely disguised fetish" are we supposed to be disguising it? I think the throat-fuck guy is perfect for directing the new alien movie. Get with it

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I'm losing my connection with my mom... What if that happens with my girlfriend? If I can turn my heart against the one that birthed me, what hope is there for me to maintain a relationship?

My Mom is a good person. I'm not sure if I am though...

I love my Mom. I really do. I'm so sorry that I'm such a disappointment.

I'm so emotional and I can't keep my cool about anything... Emotions are supposed to make you strong, why do they betray me against those that I love the most?

I really don't understand why I was put on the Earth during this time.

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What if I'm unlovable?

What if I'm the problem?

What if I'm one of the bad people?

I obviously need to go back to therapy

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I don't think you understand the rage simmering inside me right now.

It's a snake, coiling around my lungs and throat and heart. Big, black, shiny, venomous.

I want to kill him. The man that is responsible for all of this. I want to hurt him in ways he won't forget.

And for her... She is a traitor and the deepest circle of Hell is reserved for those who betray their own kind.

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Can someone give me an actual reason why I shouldn't kill myself?

What. Is. The. Point.

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It’s disgusting how Vivziepop is going to have Octavia chastise Stolas for using antidepressants in a future episode. She favors this pathetic owl so much that she’s going to have his own daughter insult his mental illness to make him more "sympathetic."

This is just further proof of the extreme lengths Vivziepop is going to go to victimize Stolas. She's going to continue demonizing other characters so he looks “better" by comparison.

EDIT: Here's the full video, thanks to Chai for sharing it on his blog. 

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Vivziepop is a “pick me” girl who pretends to be a feminist but actually despises other women. You can see her disdain for women in her writing and real-life behavior.

In Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, Vivziepop portrays women as tools who exist to provide emotional support for men, aiding in their development or serving as obstacles for them to overcome. Women only become relevant to the story when they involve a man; otherwise, she sidelines them and pushes them into the background. 

When Vivziepop portrays her women as evil, she treats them as irredeemable bitches without providing backstories to explain their behavior. She gives her men sad backstories to justify their actions and to add a crumb of complexity. However, even when Vivziepop’s men are one-dimensional monsters, she showers them with heavy love and favors them more than all of her women combined.

Women in Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss are one-dimensional plot devices to push men’s stories further instead of actual characters with their own plotlines.

In real life, Vivziepop treats men better than women, like in her writing. Most of her victims are women who've either been friends or employees of hers. Vivziepop insults women and puts them down to feel better about herself. She looks down on women, which makes it easier for her to attack them than men. The only exception are trans men, whom Vivziepop believes are "self-hating women."

She can act like she’s a feminist all she wants, but it’s obvious she looks down on women and views them as dirt beneath her feet instead of her equals.

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we do not talk enough about how you get hit front and back by being a jew and supporting Palestine. For a recipe that i want to make during Shabbat I have to scroll through a jewish recipe blog and cringe at the I Stand With Israel posts and then go back.

so a bunch of jewish spaces aren't safe anymore or are landmines. then you're forced to go someplace else. then there's tumblr with the people who think Jews=Zionist.

like oh, you're jewish? they immediately think you support the idf or something and praise genocide or something. your family barely survived a genocide that wasn't even like more than three generations ago and its being used as some sort of crutch to israel's moral defense when israel does NOT give a fuck about holocaust survivors at all except for their pr...

like damn bro im just trying to live my life and cook normally. Palestine has my entire heart. but like the pipeline from Palestine advocacy to accidental antisemitism to purposeful antisemitism is so 😭😭. man. i just wanna say guys jewish people aren't your enemies. the goal is to stop genocide not make the nazis proud of you or something

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Money is meant to be spent, not hoarded

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So Raph finally, once again, straight up admitted he's not an SA victim.

I have to give him credit for being honest. Lying about SA (which sadly does happen and I know people don't want to think about it, but it does happen) is a very disgusting thing to do. Like Viv lying about Raph being an SA victim!

What I can't him credit for, is putting his fetish material in a fucking show made for millions on Amazon Prime with no trigger warning.

Raph said that he could practice his kink safely and privately with other people. That would be totally fine and cool, if he didn't put his fetish material in a fucking show made for millions on Amazon Prime with no trigger warning.

He boarded Poison. He choreographed for it. His dialogue from his fucking Valangel rape comic was used in the scene. Viv clearly has a noncon/rape kink. She wrote and directed it. Which, again, would be fine if she didn't put their fetish material in a fucking show made for millions on Amazon Prime with no trigger warning.

It's extremely disgusting to have 2 people who have not been SA'd (Viv has not publicly come forward about supposedly being SA'd herself, and is now straight up liking posts saying you don't need to have trauma to like certain fetishes. Hmmm.) write and board a scene and plot like this. I know Sam Haft said he was a victim (and if that's the case then I am truly sorry) but he also said he wanted Raph, who clearly has issues and has a fetish for this (and also sexually harassed a 15 year old child) to come back to twitter. Also, what the fuck was that tweet about Fizz being a "baby slut"? I've seen Viv like particularly cutesy art of Fizz that's um... pretty gross and borders on fetishistic a lot of the time (mainly wearing children-esque clothing and acting cutesy). You can't have someone who clearly has issues to work in a professional environment.

I'm into noncon and have read hundreds of fanfics like ep4. It's clearly a noncon fanfic with a massive budget. Jesus Christ, I write fanfics like this, but I at least tag and rate everything and always state in my notes that I don't condone the actions of SA. And when I saw ep4... it's clear to me what it was.

Amazon needs to get this show pulled. It's insensitive and frankly sickening to a CSA victim like me, who also happens to be into noncon.

There's nothing wrong with practicing kinks with partners and keeping what you like behind closed doors, but it's another thing to disregard victims and survivors all for the sake of your wank off material that's being broadcasted to millions of people (with no trigger warning).

Oh, and then singing an extremely insensitive song about how if you're SA'd, that you're not unique and to continue to be a "coked up dick sucking ho!" That's right, you're a loser baby! A whiny fucking loser for being raped and abused! It's all your fault, you fucking moron! But hey, I have a gambling problem so we're both losers and we can eat shit together!

Seriously... how the fuck aren't people pissed about that song??

Also, Raph sexually harrassed a 15 year old child and Viv victim blamed the child.

How is this woman still a professional showrunner? Why hasn't she fired Raph? (Oh wait because she said she wouldn't on Threads lmao) Why aren't more people outraged?

The rose colored glasses need to come off at some point, people. Your objectively shitty demon shows aren't worth it.

This.

Viv and her cronies are bad news from a professional standpoint, a marketing one, a decency one. They sprung a rape fetish scene on their entire audience and then laughed in the faces of the survivors who criticized it. They don't deserve a platform, and never did.

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Just got this recommended to me on my brand new twitter account.

Nature is healing 💜