evilassistantbutnotmean - Tumblr blog

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

Real, i was there

Vapor: Okay. These are all the people that were in my apartment at the time. I’m bad with voices but as I was in the bathroom I remember hearing a song. I think it was “I Want It That Way”?

Sage: The Backstreet Boys, I’m familiar. *On the intercom* Number one, can you please sing the start of I Want It That Way?

Alex: Really? Uh, okay. You are my fire

Sage: Number two, keep it going.

Melatonin: (Tired) The one desire

Sage: Number three, continue

Ross: Believe when I say

Sage: Number four!

Caden: (having fun) I want it that way!

Sage: Tell me why!

All them: Ain’t nothing but a heartache!

Sage: TELL me WHY!

All them: Ain’t nothing but a mistake!

Sage: Now number five!

Fen: I never wanna hear you say

Sage: WOOO!

All: I want it that way!

Sage: Chills, literal chills

Vapor: It was Fen, fae stole the cookies

Sage: Oh dang I forgot about that

[How dare Fen]

(Cit. Vaporeon - @vaporeon2010317 Sage & Fen - @sagehyperfixates Alex and Assistant - @evilassistantbutnotmean Melatonin - @chaotic-neutral-melatonin Caden - @the-belle-siblings)

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

I give you a small but affective bomb

i summon thee, gimmick blogs, to bring me the fruits of your gimmick. failure to do so will result in death.

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

Ooc: Assistant getting vored by a machine for the soul /j

( @sirlordevil @sagehyperfixates @vaporeon2010317 @deadless-corpse @boredgoon @cats-and-confusion )

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

I’m locked in a stone cell I gotta entertain myself by pointing and laughing

I think There's another Evil slenderman and they already befriended @eviler-slenderman

Hooray. Wonderful.

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

Wheb you least expect it

I think There's another Evil slenderman and they already befriended @eviler-slenderman

Hooray. Wonderful.

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

Of course, what am I an amateur?

I am not the person who is reporting gimmick blogs

I have heard that accusation once so just in case

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

And I will beat them with hammers

I am not the person who is reporting gimmick blogs

I have heard that accusation once so just in case

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

200 days into the genocide of Gaza. Here are some numbers:

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re at a low point:

If you were a fictional man right now, there would be *at least* ten people if not a large portion of the fanbase that would call you their wet beast poor little meow meow

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

Alex here! We’re storming rn and I’m preparing to kick ass and bite off someone’s finger, we’ll need plausible deniability along with healthcare people lined up at a portal, from what our strawberry informant has told us, they are just flat out torturing Ross

Hey Suuuuuunnnnyyyyyyy, Assistant god kidnapped by the foundation and Sage, Doctor Owens, Vapor, and Alex are storming the grounds, you care to join?

Oh shit yeah, what do you need? I have a ton of smoke flares if you need them. (Noir kept making them and giving them to me for a week and a half.)

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

( @sagehyperfixates @sirlordevil @dr-catherine-sherman-owens @vaporeon2010317 )

Chameleon: “-And Windy, d’you think if I punched the floor hard enough, I could get some dirt? I’ve been having a nasty craving lately!”

Windsor: “you are a hazard- you eat dirt??”

Chameleon: “yep! Obviously not backyard dirt, that stuffs nasty- no I only eat the good stuff from Home Depot, gardening dirt!”

Junior researcher [REDACTED]: “Chameleon, do you actually eat dirt? None of your files mentioned that..”

Chameleon: “Oh hey Mysterious Researcher Guy! Yeah I do, I don’t think your “files” say anything about preferences, would you mind getting me like, I dunno, a cup of garden dirt? I can pay you back if that’s what you’re worried about! That stuffs expensive these days-“

Junior researcher [REDACTED] “Oh I can’t. It says in your file you only need a small amount of dirt to grow vines and that’s a huge security risk”

Chameleon: “I’m sorry huh- I’m not gonna ask why you suspect that but ok? Pop off I guess, when I escape I’ll probably just eat some dirt out there or something, there’s forest junk in the air..”

Junior researcher [REDACTED] “Wait, what do you mean there’s forest junk outside? How can you tell what kind of area surrounds the facility?”

Chameleon: “Eh, it’s not worth it to tell you, I’ve tried to tell the older jerks but they think I’m just manipulating them”

Junior researcher [REDACTED] “Yeah I get that.. the older ones are kind of stuck up sometimes-“

It is now that we decided to transfer out Junior researcher [REDACTED] as it appeared that Chameleon was in the process of manipulating another employee into being its ally, we will have the more self-aware researchers and higher ups transferred to Chameleon soon.

End of report.

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

[Alex sneaks into a supply closet, beating the shit out of a low level dime-a-dozen janitor and stealing his gear, acquiring a good disguize]

“This is Bat to Star, I’ve got the disguise and I I’m preparing to advance to a more populated part of the facility to head to Ross’s cell to “clean it”, I will send you coordinates”

[After sending Sage the message they leave the closet with the previous janitors supplies, act casual Alex.. you’ll be fine, if your not fine, Sage put trackers on everyone]

( @vaporeon2010317 or @sagehyperfixates )

It’s go time

I just saw the foundation personnel assigned to Assistant use a combo of fire and promise magic to force Assistant to burn themself to see just how fire affects Assistants different skin

-🍓

We need to mive into action. Now.

(Ooc : @sagehyperfixates)

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

An excerpt from Scp - [REDACTED], codename Chameleon, and Former Agent Windsors containment chamber, 20 minutes after a fire-related test leading to minor injuries.

Chameleon, sounds of of gauze being wrapped is heard alongside speech: “Jeez.. this guys don’t pull any punches, huh? Coulda warned me..”

Windsor: “yeah I wish I could ask them to stop, they would have listened to me if I wasn’t locked here..”

Chameleon goes silent for 2 minutes before responding.

Chameleon: “sorry about that, Windsor”

Windsor: “Wait what? You didn’t do anything! It was the foundation that thought I was-“ Windsor uses air quotes to punctuate. “-Corrupted, or whatever junk, I don’t blame you for not wanting, yknow to be burnt to a crisp for the sake of science”

Chameleon and Windsor both go silent, Chameleon finishes recovering and curls up against a wall, cameras report its shoulders shaking, although that could be chalked up to poor quality filming.

After about 3 and a half minutes, Chameleon suddenly stands up, rushing to the glass wall and attempting to punch it, fortunately the glass held up, only injuring Chameleon as small shards broken off appeared to have punctured its hand.

Windsor: “Assistant! What was that about!? Are you ok?”

Chameleon stays silent, nearby personnel report seeing tears in its eyes and fists shaking, this will be written down as a manipulative tactic to try and guilt Junior researchers into allowing Chameleon to escape, further punishments will be discussed with the O-5 council.

End of report

( @sagehyperfixates @dr-catherine-sherman-owens @vaporeon2010317 @sirlordevil @deadless-corpse )

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

This.

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

O fish nickels is that evil assistant

I heard he caused someone to slip on a banana peel

How evil 🤯

I am very evil, I made someone slip on two banana peels ones

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

hey boss i can't come in today it's a sunny day and there's a lovely breeze coming in through my window, yeah it's rustling the branches of the tree outside that's finally bloomed so it's pretty serious

[evilassistantbutnotmean]

Dude are you ok?

Why are you trying to be weirder than me?

You know that's not possible

You dare challenge the sillay master???

I contort my body into a square knot