evolutionofvic

[evolutionofvic]

I can't stop thinking about shirtless hot butches... They come to me like divine intervention...

[evolutionofvic]

PMDD and polyamory and life and and and...

I'm beginning my journey of not being "online online". I deleted tiktok. I deleted IG. I'm not on Facebook or Twitter or Bluesky. I would like to document my life in a way that's not under Zuck's finger, or any other fuck ass billionaire's finger for that matter.

I did my big move to Detroit in May/June of 2024. I fought kicked and screamed my way out of a relationship from a person that I still really loved (and love). More to come on that... I've been in therapy since September of 2023. I recently took a break from therapy due to money issues. And honestly, I want to practice the skills I've learned without the training wheels, aka my amazing fantastic therapist. The things that I was working on were anxiety management skills, insecure attachment strategies, and values based actions. The two values that we decided on were:

Focus on autonomy of thought, not just what is fed to use.

Be brave instead of comfortable.

After my big move, I am just now feeling settled here. 9 months. I was heartbroken, lost, and confused. I've learned about myself. I've learned that I can manage my PMDD. It doesn't have to take over and hurt me. I've learned that love doesn't feel like NRE. I've learned that love is not the sickening feeling of insecure attachment. I've learned how to communicate. I've learned how to be brave.

I ran into my ex (???) last Sunday (1/19) and we began talking again. I'm hoping that if we both try and use what we've learned, we can work it out this time. Not because I HAVE to, or because my or their life depends on it, but because I want to. I see the value in them and in us. They are one of my best friends in the whole world. I don't need to look for something better. I think I have the best for me, right in front of me. I also know that I can make it without them. But it would be cool if I didn't have to. I really do think I willed our run in on Sunday into existence. I think we are meant to be. And if we're not, then goddammit we're not. Ten times the charm of trying again and again. I'm not afraid to try and I'm not afraid of failure. Because the possibility of success can be so sweet with them.

I'm in PMDD right now and will be for the next 13 days. I'm going to try not to split. I'm going to let certain thoughts touch but not take hold. I'm going to hold on to the utmost truths. I'm going to take care of myself and my wellbeing.