exceptionallyorphic

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September 6th, 2018

I feel like I’m chipping away. I feel like everybody can see it and nobody is saying anything. I know H sees it and A. But I push away any of their help because I don’t feel worthy enough to heal. Or attempt to heal. Maybe I’ll push them away for good. Maybe it’s for the best. I’m not much fun to be around anyways. They can’t be themselves around me. So, what’s the point of me? Why am I here? What is there for me?

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[AGGRESSIVELY APOLOGIZES FOR BEING A BAD FRIEND AND AN UNPLEASANT PERSON TO BE AROUND]

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loneliest feeling that is exclusive to the 21st century is seeing a meme and instantly thinking of your former best friend or lover but being unable to show it to them bc you no longer have any contact with them. and suddenly it’s not very funny anymore & just makes you very sad

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February 27th, 2018

I didn’t see him and it was not because I didn’t feel the need to. I did. I wanted to. I wanted to see him, catch him by surprise and just saying anything or everything. But I just fucking couldn’t. Instead I let him text me whatever he wanted. I let him text me about school and his new girlfriend. I let him joke with me about setting up a threesome between him and his new girl and I because that’s how we started. I guess I got sad and I needed more from him. I needed a simple friendship and I lashed out. He understood and I do whole heartedly believe he knew what he did was wrong and he apologized. But I wasn’t done. I dig up more and make him even more embarrassed and soon saying sorry want enough. Why is it not enough for me? What else do I want from him? Do I know he’s not sorry? Do I know he won’t stop?

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[x] The Netherlands

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A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover.

 Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers at Last (via flame)

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I wanna forget him. I have to forget him. He’s no good. But I can’t. I just cannot do it. Every time I try to forget him my mind just crawls back to him. It’s like he’s supposed to stay there. But I cannot take it anymore. He has to go, and I can’t make him leave. It’s like I’m holding him hostage in my mind, yet trying to release him at the same time.

kiikiiriiki (via wnq-writers)

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I sit here and tell myself that I gotta move on, that I need to start making myself happy, that you truly don’t matter and that I can be without you. Then I fall asleep and dream of you, wake up in sweats, wake up in tears and it’s like everything I told myself is forgotton.

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January 16th, 2018

I had a good talk with H last night. She understood how silly I felt and told me that it was okay, but that I wasn’t being silly. She told me that what happened between her and C was just that, between her and him. I really needed to hear that. I’ve felt for a long time that it was my fault. I told her about the promise he made me and how he broke it and how I didn’t care about the fact we couldn’t fool around anymore or that he doesn’t like me the way I like him, but hat I lost a friend. I have these memories and time with him that feel rotten now and I don’t know if he was truly my friend in that time. All of these memories are flooding back and I’m sad. I told him what i was afraid of happening between us and he assured me that that wouldn’t happen. Then he leaves without so much of a word to me. He didn’t see me. I know that that assured me of what he thinks of me. But why? Did I become too much? Did he have nothing to talk about with me? Is it just easier for him to stop all of this all together because I’m leaving? H gave me the idea of seeing him before I leave. Stop by his college and demand some closure. He’s not one of those people that will text me some idle Tuesday after 2 years. He will just let it float away. And I don’t know, I don’t really want that kind of closure. I want him to talk to me, but I understand that I will leave myself with this unnecessary hope that will never be settled. I think about him too much. I don’t know. I don’t know.

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a lack of communication can really fuck up a lot of good shit

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January 7th, 2018

Having sex when I don’t want to because that’s all you want from me. You say that’s not the case, but it was. I knew it was. That’s what I was good for for you. I have to live with that now. I don’t know my worth because I base it on you.

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I always miss someone, but right now I only miss myself. I just feel so lost…

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Depression (my story)

Scared of heights.60 feet off the ground. Feels like I’m flying. I’m scared too fall. But weirdly feel at peace above-the-ground This Tall

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shout out you the kids who have abusive families 

shout out to the kids who cant move out but have to face their abuser daily 

shout out to the kids who finally tell people about their abuser and get greeted by  “but they are so nice when I’m around them”

you are loved and you’re time will come… hang in there 

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Ophelia imagery in Fatal Frame (2014, Mari Asato)

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Me realizing that no one will ever fall in love with me cuz I️ have trust issues and refuse to let ppl in who are interested in me cuz I️ fear abandonment: