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[excessfiles]

📑 Excess File 6: seesaw.txt

Playing seesaw with friends is so much fun. The excitement never dies to the point that I never want to stop.

But playing seesaw with life is a totally different story.

Just when you think you’re okay is when everything seems to fall apart even they are not. 

No matter how much I encourage others that it’s okay to not to be okay, I can’t seem to apply it to myself. It’s easier to be said than done.

Especially when there’s no reason to feel sad and empty.

I mean, I have clothes to wear, food to eat and a shelter together with a complete family, what could I ask for? It’s very frustrating to always feel the hollowness inside me.

 Am I never satisfied?

I always tell myself that I’m not the only one going through this and there’s a whole bunch of people who’s lives are unbearable. 

Am I not allowed? Is there some kind of requirements that we need to meet to be able to express and understand what we truly feel?

Bruh, being human is hard.

[excessfiles]

📑 Excess File 5: ECQ_Journey.docx

Photo from DAY6 "Zombie (English Ver.)" Lyric Video

Months of quarantine is not something someone could take lightly.

Honestly, the first two to three weeks of ecq didn't sink in at first (the weeks after our online classes). I probably felt that I have so much freedom and time in my hands that I can be on my phone for hours and hours nonstop. I feel like I need to remove stress from my system by rewarding myself with such amount of time. Since I'm being too selfish, I didn't really care on what's happening outside the four corners of my room. I know it's a serious matter but I'm too busy pleasing myself.

But then days passed by like a broken plaque. I don't look forward for tomorrow nor cherishing the time I have in that specific moment. I was basically dead.

Though I was dead, my brain was very enthusiastic to think. Too much enthusiastic that I was tempted to rip my head off. I was clouded with endless questions that I have no answer with. Staying late at night to distract myself from useless thoughts 'til the sun shone at my face. Sigh. Another dull day.

Out of all midnights and sunrises that I've wasted, I never stopped silently praying to God to make me understand why I am feeling that way; to lead me to things that could possibly ease my unexplainable sadness; to never give up on me because I'm on edge on giving up on myself.

But of course, to be able to stand up again, I need to help myself.

It was a lot of trial and error. I begin with the things I wanted to or the things I have been doing. I did fail a lot of times due to lack of motivation. There's no fuel that should keep me burning.

It was like disco lights. On and off. My eagerness was short lived so I kept on going back to my dull world.

Not until this day came, my mother woke me up early than my usual lazy wake up time to help my aunt with her business doing personalized name accessory. And you know what? My heart jumped with joy because finally, I get to do something! Though I'm not really liking it at first but the fact that I can be a help to someone is enough for me. I badly wanted to find something to do because if my dull days went on longer, I prolly will rot in bed—headless.

The making process helped me to lower down the noises in my head because I was too focused to do well with the task I was assigned. I thought that this could be what God gave me to do to lessen my harmful thoughts and it did.

Then days passed and one of my churchmates who works online asked me to do something for her client (which was a task I'm interested to). I did what I was told with trying my very best and thank God the client liked it and you know what's more surprising? I WAS HIRED!! I was like, "Is this for real? Am I dreaming?".

I was a little scared because this is my first time working but it was exciting since it's an opportunity that can help me learn and grow.

My ecq journey was such a roller coaster ride. God really turned my days on full 180 degrees and I'm truly grateful for that.

Sigh of relief. Those days were really deppressing. I'm not a kind of person who shares everything (unless I'm writing it for a blog) to other people or even to the people I'm close with. It's very uncomfortable with me. So I tried to do this all alone but as I said earlier, I failed a lot of times. But then I always called out to God to help me and He used these people around me who indirectly helped me get through the tough road that I was running away from.

It's still awkward for me to be back again with my old cheerful self because for some reason, it might be strange but I did also find comfort from the loneliness I felt.

Also, I'm grateful to Day6 for making songs that have comforted me and every mydays around the globe! Truly, when words fall, music speaks.

I just want to say that it's okay to not be okay for a while. It's okay to pause from the world that's moving so fast. It's okay to be hurt sometimes. It's okay to feel empty sometimes.

So we can cherish every moment that makes us happy. To live our lives without holding back. To find purpose and meaning to life without being lost along the way; to always find your way back to things that keeps you alive.

Life is hard for everyone. No one is exempted, no one is excused.

The result of your life is from the decisions that you make.

[excessfiles]

📑 Excess File 4: AlwaysAnxiousOnUseless&UnnecessaryThings.txt

I feel so dumb.

⚠ rants in all caps incoming ⚠

I REALLY HAVE THIS LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL MEDIA. LIKE MAN, WHENEVER I'M TRYING TO SOCIALIZE, I HAVE TO (1) DO MISTAKES (2) SHOW IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD (3) GET ANXIOUS (4) CORRECTING MY MISTAKE AND REPOSTING THE SAME CONTENT (5) GET ANXIOUS, FEELING LIKE IT'S TOO MUCH, REALIZING IT'S NOT NECESSARY AT ALL, REALIZING NO ONE REALLY CARES (6) KEEP IT POSTED (7) REGRET DOING IT BUT SINCE A LOT OF PEOPLE ALREADY SAW IT, GAME OVER.

I LOVE SOCIAL MEDIA FOR ALL OF ITS USEFUL AND ENTERTAINING PURPOSES BUT I HATE IT BECAUSE THIS KIND OF THINGS FREQUENTLY HAPPENS – ME BEING OVERLY ANXIOUS OVER LITERALLY NOTHING. I KEEP ON TELLING MYSELF THAT IT'S OKAY AND NO REALLY CARES ON WHATEVER YOU DO BUT IT KEEPS ON BUGGING ME MAN!!! BRUH HOW COULD I STOP THIS FREAKING SHEET?!

I JUST WANT TO DIG MY OWN GRAVE NOW PLEASE. ERASE ME FROM THIS WORLD PEOPLE OF THE UNIVERSE. I BEG YOU.

[excessfiles]

📑 Excess File 3: an_insane_amount_of_zoning_out.txt

I'm honestly worried about it but it brings so much peace.

It began last year where I started my SHS life. It's the day where we just finished our mock defense on choosing a research study out of the three that we made. I was alone when I got home from school. After I ate lunch, I felt my body stopped — still like a rock; eyes fixated in an abyss and a mind that is completely blank. I think it went about a minute or two before I went back into reality. AND I DESPERATELY WANTED TO DO IT AGAIN. However, if I force myself, my head hurts.

Even way back when I was in high school, my mind always got drained out and I start to malfunction (which in this case, I refuse to talk to anyone (unless they were my groupmate; my friends were not an exception) for weeks.

But this time, I zone out.

It didn't happen again for months because I was busy in school and stuff until this quarantine happened.

BRUH EVEN NOW THAT I'M TYPING THIS ENTRY, I GOT DISTRACTED BY NOTHING AND JUST ZONE OUT INTO NOTHING.

The thing is, my mind and body are always ready to do it. I'm not even forcing it. It just happens naturally.

I think because I overthink a lot (like 100x more than before) and my body is just so sick of it and zoning out is its only escape. It actually feels really good. Not thinking at all is equals to cloud 9 tbh.

But I refrain doing it in front of a lot of people or even to my family (especially when we eat together) because I get so embarrassed by doing it lol. The problem is, as I said earlier, it happens naturally. But once I get aware of it, I immediately snap myself out of it.

I even think my parents are kind of worried about me — suddenly being still and stare into whatever. But for real, zoning out really brings peace in my mind for overworking it for hours especially at midnight.

On the flipside, though it brings peace, my overflowing thoughts never vanish. My body lets my brain breathe for a while and that's it. So I recommend to at least try to talk it out to people you're comfortable with or if not, you can just let your fingers do all the talking for you (writing/typing).

Don't try to bottle it all up and wait for it to explode. Let it out little by little, piece by piece.

It doesn't have to be big to make a progress.

[excessfiles]

📑 Excess File 2: late_night_thoughts.txt

So I recently have an argument with myself about: is it better that I have engaged with something that can make me happy but can also potentially hurt me or not at all?

I once again overworked my mind and put myself into endless situations so I can find an answer myself. And here is what I've concluded:

First of all, humans are selfish. We all wanted things that satisfies our happiness which results to rejection of pain (unless you're a masochist or something). We always crave for the things that would never hurt us.

Since the result of our choices isn't always rainbows and unicorn, storms might dwell for a while in which we start to ask ourselves, "why did I engaged in this thing in the first place?". When things get rough, we blame our decisions. But don't you think it's a part of the process? that being under the darkness for while makes us appreciate even the smallest light that exists?

What I'm saying is that, knowing is better than nothing at all; taking a risk on something that makes you happy is better than nothing at all. Refrain yourself from always regretting just because the path you chose was not something you expect it to be. But have you walked until the end? Have you already forgotten the colors and scent of the flowers just because you are worried that you might die from the thorns?

Just always remember that loving/wanting something that makes you happy doesn't guarantee that you'll never get hurt.

But when the time comes that it becomes painful, think about why you let yourself engage in that situation in the first place.

[excessfiles]

📑 Excess File 1: 50_Proof_by_eaJ.mp3

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Man, if I say “I cried over a song”, this is what I mean.

Do you still wake to sunsets

And eat home alone

Watching the moon rise

Asking on and on

What's gone wrong

How you been doing

You sleeping alright

I'm worried your tears

Still wake you up at night

And you know why

Buy you don't know why

At the same time

Who holds you on

Your 50 proof high

Been worried all night

Wondering all night

Who loves you now

Who wipes the problems

Like leaves turned autumn

When they won't stop falling

From your eyes

And from your sighs

Who loves you

Now 

For a little context, it’s a song about a couple who broke up but still, one of them (the one who's singing) is still worried about the other. Deeply worried but can't do anything because as stated, they broke up.

BUT BEFORE YOU SAY IT, NO, I’VE NEVER BEEN INTO A RELATIONSHIP NOR BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE. (defensive ka gurl?)

However for some reason, this song stitched a hole in my heart. It’s something I needed in that specific moment; something I will need for a very long time....perhaps. 

This song talks to me in a way that someone out there (or probably eaJ) cares for me; that someone knows what’s in my head in that very moment; that someone actually  thinks of me—worried if I'm doing alright. (romantically or not)

Bruh, I’m really getting emotional right here please give me that roll of tissue.

But the thing is, it’s a song with a context of people who have already broke up so the last two stanzas especially the phrases "who holds you on" and "who loves you now" are kinda painful cuz it’s attacking my single ass.

When it suddenly plays on shuffle, as the first note drops, my heart starts to ache. It's something I wanted to hear for a long time you know? (except the last two stanzas lol)

I’m not sure if I came across on what I really feel about this song but just imagine that you’re a person who constantly isolates his/herself from others; a person who acts so tough on the outside but wants to be taken care of on the inside; a person who only shows his/her vulnerability to his/herself. 

Now you get my point.

[excessfiles]

uhm, more info about why this blog exists

As you can tell, this is personal blog and was named, “Excess Files” because for some reason, my brain storage always reaches its limit and as a result, I’m tempted to bang my head against the wall, have amnesia and reset my life which is I can’t considering the hospital bills ya know? 

I’m not even half kidding my dudes.

But for real, these files have been lingering inside my mind for a very long time. I'm now deleting it by releasing it here one by one.

My lazy ass has been keeping me from starting this blog but here I am now, finally.

Can you please give me a pat in the back? Yes thank you very much.