exfoliating

[exfoliating]

Mosie is 24 years old and batshit crazy but somehow still has this url saved

[exfoliating]

to all of you who i love and who have loved me

im so sorry. i love you all so much, more than you know. i wont hurt anyone anymore. i cant take the pai n anymore im so sorry

[exfoliating]

i cant believe this is real

i cant believe youve

done this to me

all these fucking disgusting vile things

when i trusted you

when i told you to stop

and you threatened to hurt yourself

ive been manipulated an d lied to and used as a sex object for you and you sit there with your thousands of followers and act like such a NICE GUY when i really fucking know who you are

i squirm in my fuckig skin to see all of your asks from girls who dont have a single clue who yo u really are

if i said anything id be sent deaht threats and told to kill myself and eveyene would be on your side but i can tjust sit here and wathc you do this to another girl

you are 21 YEARS OLD

you're disgusting and i cant evn fuckig do this anymore

[exfoliating]

i have been so fucking scared and alone these past few days and the only wya i can sleep is by taking 20 mg of valium

i had to file a restraining order a couple of days ago and that was the scariest thing i've ever had to do, i was shaking the whole time and later that day i had one of the worst triggers i've ever had that my mom almost brought me to the hospital

i ahate my life

[exfoliating]

i thin k i mighgt just swallow th is whole bottl e of valium be cause my lfie has no fuckig purpose

[exfoliating]

i stand in front of the mirror in a silk nightie, and i should feel beautiful but i don’t. the mirror is dirty and my feet hurt against the marble and sam cooke’s voice croons over the box radio i have positioned against the small window. i trace my fingers along the scars on my legs, my chest. the ones not self-inflicted. the ones left as a stinging, bitter reminder that i am not my own person, that i am tainted, i am raw, i am broken and fucked.

and my lip quivers but i bite it until i draw blood, because, goddamn, all i can feel is his fucking breath on my neck and all i can hear is his raspy fucking voice in my ear saying:

"you look so pretty when you cry."

fuck him. fuck him. fuck him.

i take the nightie off and throw it in the bathtub. i throw myself in it too and force the water on, ice cold. i want to soak in the overflowing water until i feel clean again, until i feel like me again, but it never happens and my lips turn blue and my skin turns raw and i crawl out of the tub, a sopping wet shell of a person. i feel his ghost hands around my throat and look in the mirror and see nothing but myself.

[exfoliating]

ive smoked six cigarettes today and nico is waiting for me out front in his stupid mustang and i wonder if his hair still smells like clean sheets and if his hands still feel like sandpaper i know that i should tell him to fuck off because he's twenty six years old and just broke off an engagement but he tells me im pretty and his face is pretty too and the way he speaks spanish is enough to make me forget about you for at least a few hours he's nothing like you and that's all I need

[exfoliating]

i cnt take this much longer

[exfoliating]

my head is throbbing and im tired

so so so fucking tired

so sick of everything

can hardly breathe when i wake up, my throat is sore from screaming

and nobody even comes to my side anymore when i wake up from the nightmares

oh, it's mosie again, having one of her night terrors, let's just ignore her, it'll pass

i am so fucking sick of you i could scream

i don't even feel safe on my main tumblr anymore because i see your face now, and it terrifies me

i am terrified of going on there and seeing pictures of that fucking musician. seeing that fucking guy's face, i see your stupid fucking smirk and just feel it begin again. i can still feel your skin on my fingers and i want to burn my fingertips off, because maybe, just maybe, it would stop

but it wouldn't. even if i did, it wouldn't help. you are everywhere and you always fucking will be

since that phone call, i haven't been able to eat, i can barely sleep. even the smallest shadows in my bedroom are you

you've come back to kill me, and if you can't do it to me physically, you'll do it to me from the inside

the fact that you know me better than anyone else is perhaps scarier than anything else

i think maybe if i had told somebody right after it started happening this could've all been avoided. fuck, maybe if i had even just told somebody even a little earlier and gotten some help i wouldn't still be going through this

but i am going through this, and now i can hardly let anyone touch me

this is never going to go away and maybe i should jsut give up