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[exobarf]

Preamble

Here’s the deal. I don’t want to waste your time. Not even a little. Going into anything under false pretenses is something I don’t have time for, and I’m pretty sure you don’t have time for it either.

So here’s a list of things that may or may not be deal breakers for you. I figure if you can deal with this specific configuration of my life, it’s all gravy.

Before I get to the list, I want you to understand something. I genuinely want you to find whatever it is you’re looking for. I might not be it. Not a lot of people think that what we do is acceptable, let alone a configuration they can live with. No hard feelings. It’s all good. And until you find whatever it is, we can enjoy some cool experiences.

Twitter: @damncameroncole

Insta: @masterofpaddles (it’s a long, stupid story, but a good one…)

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/savrasbane?si=k557GuBLQiiis30neDqFWQ (Music is REALLY important to me…)

That being said,

I’m happily married with a daughter. My wife and I have partners outside of our marriage because we enjoy new experiences. I already have my happy, I’m looking to add to it. If you’d like to meet her and hang out, that’s easily done. (Someone actually thought I was trying to “trade up” at one point. Yeah, don’t be that person.)

2. I’m looking for, on the low end, a coffee and conversation partner, and on the high end, a FWB who likes to cuddle and talk about everything and nothing.

3. I don’t judge people, and I don’t really care about anyone else’s opinion of me. I love to make the people around me happy, anything else is lost in the background. 4. I was born in South Jersey and raised in a Navy family everywhere. So, my language can be a little coarse. It is what it is.

5. I’m not intimidated by strong women, intelligent women or any permutation of however strength manifests itself within you. If you’re smarter than me, I can learn from you. If your stronger than I am, then I can spend my time learning about how you see the world. Please don’t be afraid to show these things.

That’s it, I guess. I look forward to anyone who can read this and not run screaming into the night. Again, it is what it is. 🥰

[exobarf]

Speculation and Hypotheticals: Madison Cawthorn

(My wife gave me this challenge of not swearing while writing this article. We’ll see how it goes.)

So, Madison Cawthorn, eh? When I first heard his name, I thought to myself, “Isn’t that the affair website?” But then I realized it’s just the name of a guy sitting in a wheelchair who tweets from a dark closet. It’s a name that sounds highfalutin and official. Like a Pap Smear. It has a tone about it that suggests meeting him is going to be both uncomfortable and violating. I mean, I could go on and on about his political and personal ethics, his counterproductive and insulting voting and legislative record, as well as the sexual misconduct allegations against him, but why bother?

Understand, I’d make fun of the fact that he’s in a wheelchair, because if anyone deserves to be mocked for anything and everything, it’s him. But…

I don’t like mocking disabled people…

If I indeed had prejudice against disabled people, the fact that he’s disabled would be like the 40th thing about him that absolutely sucks…

I am one of the people who genuinely thinks Madison Cawthorn is gay.

Legitimately.

Like, full on 90 mph, just aggressively chugging twig like it supplied him with oxygen. And it’s all good, I mean, who doesn’t like penis? Even if you’re heterosexual, you spend the first 5 years of adolescence just masturbating anyway.

Unless you’re the kind of guy that masturbates and then cries. Don’t judge. It’s an emotional ride.

Love it, enjoy it. No one cares about where or how he would theoretically like to be bent over and impaled on a throbbing purple meat hammer. (Jealous.) No one cares. I personally think he’d live a much happier and less angry life if he just came out and disclosed that he was having an affair with the other gentleman he hangs out with. I think his name’s Greene.

I could be wrong about the name, I’m not much of a political person. The one with the dresses, underbite and the weird mullet.

Now before I go further, understand that I'm speaking as a bisexual male, so I've certainly had my share of dressing in drag and cocaine filled orgies. So, I think my bear credentials are in order to continue with this thought experiment.

Now, why do I think he’s gay? I can list my own theories, but nothing concrete.

He’s a bit too defensive about those photos to my taste. In my experience, if someone gets called out for being gay and IS, normally they’re joking about it and just dismiss it. He seems to be breaking out more of the “real man” talk. That’s usually a pretty big indicator that you enjoy being knee deep in pepe.

I’ve seen the pictures and I’m not completely stupid.

If I were around the GOP mouth breathers in Congress on the regular and one of my partners in crime was a hateful horse-woman wearing a dress, I’d give serious thought to jumping teams, too.

No one cares about him possibly being gay. Well, his constituents probably would, because they’re just as “castrated village idiot” as he is. And of course, there’s the age old political pitfall that he isn’t what the people of North Carolina (and various corporate interests) bought and paid for. But the rest of the world couldn’t give any less of a pickled rat turd about which set of genitals he would like to drool and stare at longingly. In this scenario, that is. Again, this is all hypothetical.

What they WOULD care about in this scenario, would be the fact that he was clearly gayer than the entire cast of “The “L” Word” and then shows up at his job, purposely trying to make life harder for people born the same way as he is...

Homosexual, that is. Not insanely cruel and evil. (The word “Evil” is hyperbolic. People who are evil are usually not as horrible at doing villain things and pleasing their partners. Just saying.)

If he were gay, I really wish that he would just stray from the path of the right, not because it would benefit everyone around him, (and the rest of the world) but by getting rid of the shackles of right-wing sexual thought, he is free to be his fabulous self. Screw politics for a second. I’m not saying he’d a be a better person, but he’d sure be happier. Could you imagine if he accepted himself and then built his life off self-love, instead of external hate? The possibilities are immense and amazing!

He needs to just take to heart the reality that it is perfectly amazing, right and good to be gay. If you’re not, good for you! But, if you are, dolphins are sometimes naturally gay, and dolphins are good people.

All I’m saying, is that hypothetically, if he just gave into his inner twink, he might not be so quick to try and take rights away from people populating his bed and stuffing him with whatever amount of self-loathing that comes from 6 inches of girthy mediocrity. (That was a cheap shot. I regret nothing.)  

Regardless of the accuracy of this little comic thought experiment, he’s clearly dealing with some deep-seated issues regarding his sexuality. And, you know what? Most of us have at one point or another. I’m 41 and still trying to figure it out.

And that’s okay. But, when I feel shameful about masturbating, I don’t then try to ban the activity for everyone else and then talk about “what a real man does”.

And for doing what apparently, “a real man does”, his former Daddy, Donald Trump has predictably distanced himself. So, just to get the standards right...

Peeing on underage girls? Kosher.

Letting a significant percentage of the population die of COVID? Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

But, if you wear lingerie and look like you could suck the logo off an iPad, Grampa-Brother Trump is going to put you in the loser’s corner.

It’s the smarmy duplicity people are done with, and that’s WAY before you get to the fact that he’s just an awful human being. The bras and dresses that he likes to wear in his off time only make his internal shame that much more festive and fabulous. Cawthorn, Mr. Greene, Manchin (who by the way has the most vaginal face I’ve ever seen on something not between someone’s legs, which makes his last name even funnier) and all the rest of them…

Just a bunch of callow, scared little men that are completely afraid of women. And as Master Yoda said, “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to [sic] violent Republican fisting.”

Also, just in case anyone was wondering. Due to physical limitations, in this situation he is most likely what the literature calls (looks at notes) a “power bottom.”

There is a reason that right now I’m dwelling on his hypothetical-and-unproven-but-in-my-opinion-highly-probable-sexuality and bedroom antics. It’s because whatever happens in his bed, regardless of the feather boa he would hypothetically use to asphyxiate himself prior to climax…

…is no one’s business but his own.

Just like a woman’s body is no one's business but her own.

Just like an LGBT person’s bedroom activities are no one's business but their own.

Madison Cawthorn is one of THE prime examples of Republican duplicity and a hallmark for the reality that the right-wing apparatus is just a short-term-investment money machine. Its sole purpose is to fleece gullible people out of their vote, their money and ultimately…

…their lives.

So, if Sassy Pants Cawthorn doesn’t approve of people talking or speculating about his sexuality and apparel style, he should probably keep his stupid head out of the way other people live their lives.

He ruins people’s lives with words, votes and lies, unmindful that the rest of the world could easily ruin his life and his career with nothing but the truth. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what’s happening, and my body is ready. Madison Cawthorn could be for gay people the same way he is for North Carolina, namely that he will turn around and do his best to make sure he profits off your misery, but at the end of the day… he really is one of you.

Is he gay? Probably not. Maybe. Potentially. Doubtful. But I personally think he is.

By the way, I’ve just been informed that Mr. Greene is in fact something resembling a woman. My bad.