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“People will show you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be.”

— Don Draper

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“How many times had I let myself connect with someone only to have it thrown back in my face?”

— Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

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“I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.”

— Unknown

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A nebula in an opal

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Having a partner that knows how to communicate is so important.

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You can’t tell a trauma survivor “they’re safe now” because you don’t think anything bad will ever happen to them again. If they were safe, nothing bad would have happened to them, not at any point. It should have been impossible for the trauma to happen to them in the first place, if they were safe. What the trauma survivors know, and you don’t, is that they’re not safe. If it could have happened once, it can happen again, and that is not paranoid thinking, that is a fact, because after a traumatic event, pretty much nobody makes sure it wouldn’t happen again.

People like living while pretending that most of bad things just wont happen to them, and taking measures to ensure it just doesn’t feel worth giving up their nice deception of living in safety. People who do fall thru the gaps, who do have absolutely horrifying things happen to them, become aware of just how unsafe it is to live in such a society. But their voices don’t get heard, the conveniences and little happy beliefs of the world always take priority over a terrified person unwilling to put themselves at risk for harm again.

This is why most of treatments for trauma include forcing people to try to “face their fears” rather than to ensure nothing traumatic could ever happen to them again. Trauma victims are urged to “function normally in society as if everything’s fine” when it absolutely isn’t. It can’t be fine, if we’re having traumatized individuals just walking among us, feeling forced to keep their mouths shut, to not point out the danger, to not talk about what they’ve been thru, to not disturb the public peace with the horrors that might happen to anyone.

This plays strongly in favour of people who are on the lookout for new victims - abusers, psychopaths, narcissists, abusive parents, abusive employers, sexual predators, pedophiles, rapists - they’re just thrilled their victims will be told to “get over it” and “act like it didn’t happen”, while they walk free, their next victim already taught not to act paranoid, not to believe they’re dangerous. And society fights for the abusers so strongly, they’re given privileges, forgiveness, power and attention, while the victims will face endless blaming, ridicule, and can expect to be cast out of society if they demand to be taken seriously. It’s obvious in whose favour the society is run, and until we became aware of how unsafe we all are, we wont do anything to protect any vulnerable member of society from it. We’ll have people walking into trauma, not even knowing it could ever happen to them. Even children. Especially children.

So don’t say “you’re safe”. Don’t try to convince someone their trauma is over. Don’t tell them to not be afraid, to not be paranoid, to not watch out. If someone is feeling unsafe, it’s for a good reason. If you want them to feel less scared, take actual actions that will ensure their safety. Fight for prosecution and death of abusers. Fight for safe spaces. Fight on their side. Make sure if it ever happens again, you’ll be on their side of the war. Having support and people on your side is what makes world a little more safe.

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Trying to find ways to show up for myself more.

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“Some of the most comforting words in the world are ‘me too.’ That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’s struggle, and that others have been down the same road as you.”

— Unknown

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Pit boxer

RIP Atheena Rae Poley

Random question of the day #54

What is your favorite dog breed?

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Keeping my end of the agreement. I told toodles I would start job hunting after I finished my job history which I drug out a little lol. I told him last week that by this Friday the 26th id have at least minimum of 5 apps turned in.

I don't wanna but I'm gonna

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Christian Wiman // Janet Fitch

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Marie Lu