explosivediaryeah

[explosivediaryeah]

I'm alive. Still.

I'm terribly sorry for the looooong radio silence there. Life got in the way of things, yah know.

Anyways, so, this is what happened after you heard from me.

About a month after finding myself pining and aching to connect with the Part-time Wizard again, he messaged me on Facebook for the first time in months! He had a question about "engkantos" for me. I had about a million for him (how have you been, my love? what have you been up to? how much did you miss me? could you ask me to send nu- ) 😂but naturally I held my tongue, fingers for that matter like I always do. I chickened out as usual.

Eventually, he asked how I was but I gave him a trite answer. I wanted to hear more about what's been going on in his life. It was him that I wanted to keep talking. I missed connecting with the guy--fuck, he owns me! The problem is, he doesn't know. 😂 Or maybe he does and is just wise enough to keep things friendly.

And then he asked if I have heard about the new house he bought in Vegas. In my head, I was like 'baby, I'm your #1 stalker remember? Of course, I did, you, adorable dumbass, you!' but what I allowed myself to tell him though was if I only lived under the same skies with him, I would've visited him and his mom uninvited. To my surprise, he replied to that remark with an invitation to fly me there. And here's the kicker, he offered to pay for everything! But here's the kicker of the kickers: my trust issues loomed its grotesque head and got me reacting casually - taking everything lightly - and the Wizard, being the intuitive guy that he is, quipped 'I'm serious!'

I couldn't believe it. He'd spend that much for me? Why?! What is he trying to do?! I just couldn't wrap my head around why he'd do such a thing. But fuck, a part of me was doing somersaults and cartwheels! It would sure be wonderful to see him in the flesh and give him a bear hug and annoy him with unlimited kisses. What a profoundly meaningful experience it would be to connect with the today-Wizard in person after decades!

But another part of me was scared. If I'd take his offer seriously and really get to see and be with him, what in the world do I have to offer him? Goodness me, I can't leave my shadow side and lock it up in a vault here in the PI! My only option is to be bring myself with me. I'd love to be able to return his kindness and grand gesture by offering him a good and enjoyable company but I'm terrified that he'd only end up regretting it fabulously and expensively at that... *laughing sadly*

TBC.

— KID, 30 Nov 20, Monday, Outlyingville

[explosivediaryeah]

My imagination never takes a holiday and always refuses to become inactive when it comes to you, you Wizard, (damn) you!

[explosivediaryeah]

Imaginary Convo w/ My All Time Crush

*Oh, hell yeah, I got a handful.*

Diaryeah —

My imagination’s reeling. I’m having an imaginary convo on Messenger with A.S. I'm letting you in. Shush. 

Me: Pssst...You’re still up? 

A.S: I can’t sleep. Might as well jack this off...

Me: What’s with the dot, dot, dot? A cue for me to begin sending nudes? 

A.S: LOL You know me so well. 

Me: Use your imagination, soldier. I hate SOC. 

A.S: Wha- Why, oh, why? 

Me: Too tedious and frustrating. I’m a lefty. Can you imagine how hard it is to type with my left hand whilst playing with myself all at once? 

A.S: I can’t imagine it. I have a very poor imagination. 

Me: OMG. You’re doing it again. 

A.S: Doing what, again? 

Me: Down-playing. You’re downplaying yourself to me again as if by doing it numerous times, I’d finally kiss my dream of one day helping you jack off in person goodbye. Not gonna happen. LOL

A.S: *Typing*

Me: Are you about to disagree? 

A.S: You don’t know if I really am imaginative. You sound so sure, hun. 

Me: Baby, you forgot I’m your staunch stalker since 1990. I’ve read every status update you post on Facebook, clicked on and zoomed in on every travel picture on your timeline, the tagged ones too. It’s just so hard to believe you aren’t imaginative like you're claiming to be. From where I'm lurking, I could see how drawn you are to places that are conducive to auto-summon one's imagination: deserts, lakes, mountainsides, parks... you even like walking by your neighborhood at night, when it's dark and quiet. Do you see now why I can’t believe you have such a poor imagination?

A.S: Hey, 2%...

Me: 2% what? 

A.S: Battery’s about to die. Gotta go. Night, Oddburd. 

Cue in the sound of my heart and dreams shattering to pieces.

*Great. Even in my imaginary convo with him, I end up scaring away the Wizard of San Jose. I’m such an idiot.* 

Bs. 

Most, if not all, of our actual chats on Messenger, end up with me feeling like I scared him away. Either it’s me or he’s playing my psyche. Actually, I believe it’s me. The Wizard naturally has better things to attend, not to mention, loads to carry than to stay up all night talking with me. I do have stuff to do and loads to carry myself as well but you know, it's simply nice to imagine sharing beautiful, sweet, warm, and tender things like that with him.

BBs. 

I was reading Schopenhauer’s Essays and Aphorisms when I came across his take on Imagination and suddenly A.S. bubbled up in my thoughts. 

I was brought back to the very time I first sensed that he was downplaying himself to me, that very time when he told me he had very poor imagination. 

I found myself wanting to tell him the exact words in my imaginary convo but thought against it because I chickened out. I, instead, went immediately hyper-fantasizing that he was spooning me ever so tenderly and warmly — probably as a way to frantically overwrite the not-so-nice ending of my imaginary convo with him. 

—KID, 03 Oct 20, Monday, Outlyingville Subd.

[explosivediaryeah]

I'm always longing but I am not, and never will be, alone in this.

[explosivediaryeah]

Ode to “High Windows”

Dear Diaryeah,

Dear P. Larkin, 

Today, I found myself standing right by your ‘high windows’ whilst wearing your shoes too and I made a bittersweet discovery: 

The honest answer to the very question I’ve been asking myself lately—am I missing out? — is a big fat hairy YES. 

It stung in a bittersweet way because you, Larkin, THE Larkin, felt it too: the ache a sense of longing brings. 

I felt a lot less unique in my misfortune. 

You gave dignity to my sorrow. 

I think I can suffer better (for) now. 

Thank you. 

— Kid, 02 Oct 20, Sunday, Outlyingville Subd

Bs.

Been constantly, albeit quietly, longing for my all-time childhood crush, A.S. I'm aching to actively connect with him again.

To be clear, it isn’t sex that I'm longing for. It has very little to do with it. I’m not some despicably sexually uncontained wanton lustful dog (OK yeah, sometimes) but really, it isn't it. 

It is his brand of tenderness, care, and companionship that I'm pining for, and the promise that he'd maybe (just maybe) like to spare me.

I need help in liking myself - especially from a guy who seems to have an advanced capacity to be alone. Someone who has a good relationship with himself (inner monsters, own inconvenient evils and all). I wonder what it's like to be loved and cared for by someone like him. I suspect it would be nice and lovely for the most part.

Oh, hey, don’t worry, Larkin, am not going to add to his own sorrows by doing inconveniencing him with this longing and admiration. I've kind of come to terms with the sad reality that, whatever my life is going to be like besides what it is now, in this lifetime, there may be some good things, people (like the kindly, thoughtful big-hearted wizard) or places which I'd never get the chance to know deeply or experience fully again—or ever.

*Sighing heavily*

*BS means BACKSTORY not BULLSHIT. Do you copy, Diaryeah?*

[explosivediaryeah]

Here’s to more daydreaming sessions about the part-time Wizard of San Jose!

[explosivediaryeah]

It Finally Happened - Or So I Thought

Diaryeah —

It finally happened! 

A.S., my long-time crush, was wearing a Scorsese-red suit with a matching black bow tie. I was wearing a rather hippy garb-looking wedding gown but it didn’t matter...

The only thing that mattered was that we were in a state of bliss. Especially the 2 of us. 

Intimate wedding it was. 

A lady judge wedded us in front of his chosen family members and mine. 

God, we were euphoric!

BUT just when we were about to seal the deal with a kiss, reality fucking caught up with me. And, as usual, got in the way of things: I woke up from the dream.

My heart was bruised from being whacked by reality but it didn't matter. I was too amused by the trick my brain pulled right there to help me cope with this longing that I could not, given my situation, do something about. I love you today, Brain! 😂 So nice of you to do that. 😂

— Kid, 7 Sept 20, Monday, Outlyingville Subd

[explosivediaryeah]

The Part-time Wizard of San Jose must be the very person de Botton had in mind when he wrote this! The Wizard seems to have the advanced capacity to be alone. Ergo.

But the question is, how do I get the wizard to teach me his tricks of the trade? How do I even get him to be interested with me—enough to let me into his world (inner and outer, that is?) 🤔 Will I ever even live to see that day?

Well, a woman can (day) dream. 😁

Side realization:

Fuck. Am I feeling the pains of being screwed over again?! I've been finding myself looking away from what's in front of me! I'm beginning to feel shattered to bits by all the aggression, blame and all sorts of rejection I've been getting from the person I'm with all these years. And the PWoSJs admirable sides are making me see my most fervent of hopes! It's showing me the right template - especially his advanced capacity to be alone. Oh, how often do I hear the guy I'm with now tell me that he's terrified of ending up alone, that he couldn't live without a partner? I'm starting to suspect, it is but the crux of all my misery with him and why I'm finding myself adoring the Wizard, thinking and longing for him more and more. I want to be his good friend if not good girl friend. LOL Do you see, how sick I'm becoming, Diaryeah? Goddamit.

All my life, I've been steering blindly in choosing my partners—I relied only on the enthusiasm I felt for them as a go signal to jump off the proverbial cliff that is relationships and never on the most important task which is to ask myself the most basic of self-inquiries: what do I see in this guy that made me admire him? Do the things I admire in the guy just about enough of green flags to counterbalance my own red flags and vice versa? Are we a good enough match? Does he truly appreciate me?

For fuck's sake, why must we all learn things the hard way? My life would've been different (as in different-good enough) have I learned to stop, look and listen the way I've been stopping, looking and listening to the PWoSJ's admirable and not so admirable sides. Yeah, OK. The way I've been relentlessly stalking the Wizard for the longest time! smh

Oh, well, at least, am learning. Better late than never, right, Diaryeah?

— Kid, 1 Sept 20, Monday, Outlyingville Subd

[explosivediaryeah]

Yo, Fortuna—Don’t make me live to see the day that I’ll regret starting this open diary. OK? I only need a place to ditch all this intrusive thoughts or else it would come out in deeply regrettable ways. Do you copy? Please…?

— KID, 04 Oct 20, Monday, Outlyingville