expressyssa

[expressyssa]

my Sidney died last month and i felt so broken hearted i cried so much. Few days after i received my keepsake necklace, i felt a little better. But yesterday, on Thursday, I dreamed of him and I thought it was actually real but later on realized I was just dreaming. And waking up, it felt good seeing him in my dream and ofc sad at the same time. And today, at midnight, i woke up. And then few hours later, I cried because i miss him so bad. Conversely, it made feel better for letting my sadness out. At 4:59 am, i am falling asleep.

[expressyssa]

Lord please guide me and help me understand my family's poor decision making and budgeting skills 😭😭😭 I cannot. I am so tired na talagaaa

[expressyssa]

dreamt of him last night. but not him, him. it was more of a fantasy. an imagination. it was a feeling of having a boyfriend that's not him, but psychologically sees that it's him and even call him the way i call him. it's weird. after all this trying not to think or fantasize about him, i still end up dreaming about him, or atleast, thought it was him. i clearly remember calling him the way i call him, and this guy turned around and smile, but as far as i can remember, it was not him. it was a different guy, yet, i was pretending it was him. i am crazy. this feelings, this desire, it makes me psychotic. i don't like it. but why do i feel happy and relieved to think of him, to mention his name in my dream. gash it's weird. whoever reads this will think i am a pervert person but idk. i just can't stop this feeling of wanting him, it's honestly annoying and depressing. how do i freaking stop

[expressyssa]

badly wanna go beach rn and lay down at the sand while looking at the sky and just breath. u know that

[expressyssa]

I just wanna leave asap.

[expressyssa]

[expressyssa]

Times like this I just want to message him and talk to him and ask him his opinion but it'll be weird I think. So let's back off.

[expressyssa]

I kind of need to get out of here.

[expressyssa]

I'm sad but I don't want to tell my friends i'm sad.

[expressyssa]

Leon Wyczółkowski (Poland, 1852-1936) 

Spring - The Interior of the Artist’s Studio

 [watercolor, ink, chalk on paper], 1931

[expressyssa]

his face, i remember it clearly.

his smirk, his side angle, his hair, his laugh, everything.

but he doesn't remember anything about me, i suppose.

or does he?

[expressyssa]

I never wanted to see your name again, but how come i'm feeling happy to see it now.

[expressyssa]

If he really cares for you, he would have messaged you by now.

[expressyssa]

stay focused on the goal.

[expressyssa]

am i having doubts and regrets?

[expressyssa]

this is so hard.

[expressyssa]

I talk to myself a lot and it worries me tbh.