exstistential-crisis

[exstistential-crisis]

I love how most people in the sp fandom have just collectively decided that Kyle is a devoted basketball kid until the day he dies, but we need to come together and put forward a new idea. I need more people to be talking about one thing and one thing only…

Kyle the Lacrosse Kid.

Now, before you come after me, hear me out. Because I can already hear your angry shouts and the mobs with their pitchforks so let’s back it up.

In Phone Destroyer and the SOT game (I won’t mention the SOT episodes because I don’t remember so correct me on that one if Elf King Kyle appears in the trilogy)

Kyle is shown as a the Elf King or Kyle of the Drow Elves. His weapon? A fucking lacrosse stick. He plays lacrosse, because if you have ever played lacrosse before you know damn well that it is hard to throw with a lacrosse stick and he is fucking amazing at it. Also, you want me to believe he just has a bunch of lacrosse balls lying around? Plus, in his mythical player card, his staff literally looks like a lacrosse stick which is honestly just such an amazing detail.

Of course, to all the skeptics out there, is there a possibility that he just borrowed the equipment from another kid? Yes. Is it also possible he’s just weirdly good with a lacrosse stick? Also yes. Will I acknowledge those possibilities ever again? No. Why? Because of his player card.

“Oh but he plays baseball in the spring, just like the rest of the boys!”

IN ONE EPISODE. But also, a lot of people play lacrosse in the summer. I feel like he’d play lacrosse during the spring in like middle school, but he doesn’t have the haircut because his hair won’t cooperate. Also Sheila is such a soccer mom, like, tell me otherwise.

Kyle plays basketball in the winter and lacrosse in the spring and Sheila is a totally overprotective and aggressive soccer mom. Like the soccer mom equivalent to Randy in ‘The Losing Edge’ except she mostly fights the refs over things like calling “false penalties”. But when she does fight parents, it’s just the parent of whatever kid decided to body check Kyle. But it’s weirdly endearing because it’s just cause she cares, and the team loves her because she brings them snacks and I will die on this hill. You can snatch lacrosse player Kyle and aggressive soccer mom Sheila from my cold, dead hands.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

P.S. Kyle and his lacrosse stick as The Elf King for anyone who wants (or needs) a reference. These are all screenshots from Phone Destroyer, for anyone wondering.