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My own brain exhausts me. I’m not cut out to be so emotionally open. I am sorry

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I just can’t do this.

I have said that to myself so many times, and yet I always get up. I don’t understand why I cant stabilize these thoughts this time. I was so happy, and I felt so strongly about everything, so confident. But something triggered a feeling. What was the feeling? Her. Or, maybe how he describes her, the glimpse his words give me into this world I am so detached from. She triggers insecurity, insignificance, she holds a place I have always wanted and will never obtain. She represents a life I’ve been dreaming of since I can remember.  

I have always wanted someone to grow up with. Someone who was there for everything, someone who knows me for who I truly am. We share memories and stories, good and bad, someone who stood by for it all, and gave me the chance to do the same. Someone who had feelings for me, and I had feelings for them. And then some magical day, it all feels like it falls together, the stars align. Maybe it’s all the movies I’ve watched, but those are the friendships I have always dreamed of. And I always saw them as friendships, which is strange because that’s not what most people would call what I am describing. I romanticize something as simple as a long-lasting friendship because I don’t have that. I never have. I long for that deep connection, so badly. New relationships are fun, fresh and spontaneous. You spend endless nights getting to know each other, fascinated by their life, childhood, values. But when people share a past and you are the only one in the room who remembers your 21st birthday, it’s a lonely feeling.

So why does something as simple as a name, or a description trigger me into such a spiral? Am I jealous of their bond? Of course, but not of her with him. It is of their intimacy. It doesn’t matter how many boundaries I let go in an attempt to feel close, I will never, ever be as close as they are. They don’t say it, they don’t need to define anything, they just know it. I meet people I feel a connection with, and find myself saying “I think we would have been good friends if we met in school” and its a heartbreaking statement for me, I am lamenting something that never was and will never be.

So am I just lonely? Why can’t I just accept my place and my role, and respect what is beyond me, bigger than me? Because when I’m at the end of that spiral, and I am standing at the bottom alone, it washes over me. It feels like I am the end of the movie, and she is the rest of it. The title screen, the build up, every plot point and climax, the denouement. I am just the last scene, and whatever comes afterwards. Sequels are never as good as the original.

It feels like their relationship defined where mine is now. I am the end of the equation that I was never a part of. Because I don’t belong, and there would be no place for me if their story ended differently. I feel like my life is the ink to write the story they could never have, and my compliance is me supplying the pen. A proxy, a surrogate, it’s not mine. I am a product of chance and circumstance, nothing cosmic. When things get dark,I often find myself questioning his motives, I am aware I have always been a sexual outlet for him, so if I didn’t reciprocate that energy, an energy he could never get from her, would we even be here? 

But what would telling him any of this do? He would get angry, frustrated, I think. I have pushed him too far too many times before. I worry if the next time I share these things with him will be the last, if he finally listens to her, and sees I am not good enough. So this will sit here. This is the best I will ever articulate how I feel, and he will never see it. And i will hold onto this, and keep it deep within me. because at the end of the day, nothing will ever change that. 

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Whats going on.

Theres only one reason I need to write right now and I need to get to the bottom of it. Why am I acting so coldly to someone I used to be so kind to? Is it because it’s easier to be cold and angry than to be compassionate and emotional? I am emotional. I am angry that i became so close to someone who lives so far away. I am angry that when there is an issue that I know could be solved if I just saw them, it would fix itself and become more clear. And I’m angry that that’s not possible. Seeing the person stabilizes me. Being on the other end of the phone stresses me out. Where have they gone? Did i say what i meant to say? Oh no, now i have said too much. Oh my god, I have to stop texting them. I cry when I think of them, and I guess I just dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to feel the pain of missing someone all the time, and i dont want this anger. I dont want to feel shut out, i dont want this. I hate this miscommunication, this distance i feel. Its both physical and mental and it becomes harder to deal with the longer I have it. It grows inside me like chaos. And it has to go somewhere. So where does it go? I lash out. I exhaust and embarrass myself. Im mad at them for making me this way. I am mad at myself for not controlling it. And so I turn cold, and angry, and I push them away by shutting down. They have done nothing wrong. but they are not close enough for me to feel their true intentions. to feel their warmth and to feel forgiven and grounded. I am alone, and cold, with nothing but tears on my cheeks. 

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Fairmont

So i just got home and i need to TALK about what just went down. 

so it started saturday morning. we met up, i had been feeling very emotional up until this point. there were times when i would ask myself, am i falling in love with this guy? is it just because its new and i like the attention he gives me? he makes me feel so alive, more so than anyone else in my life, including my own partner. he is so adventurous and spontaneous, and when you are with him, he makes you feel like you are the most important person to him. i think thats what i get confused with because there are times when im really not the most important thing to him, and thats actually okay, but im just used to being the center of his world? he’s really good at making you feel special. I know thats what he wants to give his friend and im glad he gives that to me. But there are definitely feelings there that i dont understand what to do with. And i often feel like they are not reciprocated, and i dont know why that hurts so much?? a part of me just wants to play a couple games, make him really FEEL, but thats kind of manipulative and messed up. it was an incredibly emotional weekend for me, i think because of the week i had and the distance, it really plays a roll in how fragile i am around him. I am also so incredibly tired, my body and mind are just done. i want to just decompress for the entire night, but i also wish he didnt have to go. he’s literally all i think about. am i just obsessed with him???? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. i love so much about him, he is such an incredible human. do i want more? no. i dont. i cant ever see myself dating him or being his partner, but i can see us letting whatever it is we have between us go on for a very long time. I have a lot of feeling for him i really need to sort out, but i cant do it now because its all so recent and honestly none of it makes any sense

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at this moment, i am completely infatuated with you. I am worried I will feel deeply. I am worried I will fall in love. and im also sort of excited because this is the most alive i have felt in many years. 

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new.

things have really changed in the course of a year. and theres a very special person in my life that I would like to address. I dont need to retell the whole story, I remember it all. And it’s for us to know. But this is to you. 

This is insane. no one has made me feel this way. no one has made me feel so accepted, so pretty, so loved. I feel like someone is there to take care of me. The most sense i can make out of it is you keep saying we deserve this, and i thought that meant because we had been going through a difficult time lately, but i think it means more. I think the things we have both been through, the things that have damaged our self worth and view of love.

its hard being far away from you, i know modern technology brings us closer together, but i cant touch you or look into your eyes or hold you hand. I can remember how soft your hands are, how blue your eyes are, how your face feels. but i cant feel it. and that makes me sad. and if you get a job in montreal, i will be sad, and i will cry. and it will hurt. so please dont. (im speaking more towards fate and life in general, do not take him further away from me than he already is)

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I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.             

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Comfort

Here is what I can say. I will get through this, I will feel better, I will have a better life. But my life is pretty okay right now. I will try and enjoy the gifts I have been given at the moment, because this moment is fleeting. I dont know when or how my life will change or get better, but I know I can get through this, because I trust that I am a strong woman. Look at everything I have whethered, and sure I may have a few scars that take a bit longer to heal, but who doesn’t? and they will heal. Every time i fall, i just have to keep getting back up, push myself off the floor and keep going. Deal with life as it comes, let go of the need for control, just let life unfold in front of  you. There are less things that you can do anything about than there are things you can change. You can change who you are or how you react, but the events that unfold are for the most part, out of our control. you have been given a life to live, with a healthy body and a healthy mind. scar tissue is natural. be patient with yourself.  

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Life is so weird

I look back on some of my posts and so much has changed. Im writing because I have so much to say and I cant write it all down other wise my hand might fall off. Things have been so strange lately. Im really scared if I’m being honest. So much is changing in my life and it feels like my past is drifting away with it. My family Dynamic, my past career goals, my old friends, who I used to be. It all feels like its slipping away, and theres one person in my past I dont want to let go of. If I move on and start this new life, will i forget my dad? Will he disappear with it? I feel like im starting a new life, but in a not so exciting way. It started with the court thing. My mother essentially destroying our family. Do i have a right to blame her? stay mad at her? I dont know, but I am. But i still love her and thats what makes no sense. I cant live my life without a mother. I tried and it really ruined me. I care so much about what she thinks of me. I cant even say I care about her. But she doesnt have the right to think im a terrible person. That  makes no sense but it’s how I feel. The way life has presented itself to me lately feels like a fucking movie, and its been really throwing my mind for a loop. I thought I dealt with my feelings from my high school friends and had moved on, but in reality I just shoved them down until I moved BACK to where I used to live, and now see these people from time to time around the neighborhood. I have been forced to face something I never wanted to face again. All the feelings of shame and pride and disgrace that I chose to move away from and not DEAL with, just forget. I’ve had to learn to accept that my mother will never be the person I want her to be, as I’ve wanted her to be my whole life. She will never love me the way she loved my sister, or the way I felt I deserved to be loved. As much as this court thing makes no sense, she still thinks shes in the right, and my sister is a monster, which she is not. “The court thing” I hate that. I think a part of her realized that she messed up beyond belief, but will not tell me, cause I’m just her daughter. Do i worry that she’s sad? yes of course. what will happen when little sonny dies? I need to be there for her in a way she never was for me. I guess. So my past family dynamic is gone. And im learning to accept these hard things, but with acceptance comes moving on and I dont know if im ready to become who im becoming. or move on from my past. But im also so pained by everything that has been left behind. When i take a look at what is left of my past, its just pain, I dont have happy memories of my past, and I’ve always just grasped to try and make new, good memories. I taint every memory I have with something, feelings, when something goes wrong, I just throw it away instead of dealing with maybe How i did wrong. maybe, what was wrong with me? maybe, how i insulted someone or hurt someone. these parts of myself or my past that I didnt like. It’s all about perspective and what we decide to remember and carry forward, and I dont know if i can go back and rewrite those memories. Maybe I need to take a look at who I am and change the things I dont like about myself. and maybe i can try and accept the things that arent so changeable, because I cant be perfect, and I think I can, which is a hard expectation to live up to. and maybe I put those on other people, making it impossible to be good enough for me. Do i do that on purpose? I am scared of being close to people. i am scared of people getting close and me caring about them and then being abandoned. I know I have a lot of baggage and i really dont want to put that on anyone new. That is why I isolate myself from true connections. Why do i care so much about what everyone else thinks of me? I also need to come back down to earth, ive been really struggling with that lately. My head is always either in a past that doesnt exist, in a future that is undetermined, or someone elses world. Like, I’m thinking about my past and how i either wish something different happened, or how I wish I did something differently. Or, thinking about what will happen when a certain event happens, how will i feel? I always think if i have thought through every single possibility, maybe I’ll be safe from pain or surprise, but I am never thinking about what is happening in the moment or how to react to that. I am always doing things that I think are going to make my brain safer, which makes no sense because I think it;s actually making it worse. and then, i’m always thinking about what other peoples lives are like, and what makes them happy. I am so scared of being left alone with my own life and my own thoughts, I distract myself on the uncertain because its all imagination. I need to learn to trust my brain again, and enjoy whats happening, now. Do i know that i am happy in that moment, or do i just remember it? What I know about me: I am christine, i am 23, Right now i live in a small apartment, renting a room from a friend. I had soup and grilled cheese for dinner. I have a friend named kyle and he is the greatest thing to happen to me in a while. he is patient and loving and makes me smile. He loves me. I have a job at the glencoe cafe, that I dont entirely hate. I have people who care about me, invite me to things. I have a nice computer, and nice things. I have money, enough to get by. I am in good health, and I have a comfortable bed that I love sleeping in. I am lucky to live in a counrty like canada. I love walking to work. I love animals. I want to be kind to people. I want to show people love. I want to be taken care of. i also want to know without a doubt that I can take care of myself.

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AGAIN, but this time, with feelings.

So do you remember why I started this blog? I got out of a really long relationship and I started fucking my friend from a long time ago?  Well, we stopped fucking because he got a girlfriend, and while he was dating her, a lot has happened. A LOT. I’ll explain all the sad stuff after this, but lets focus on this guy, let’s call him... Mark. This year has been horrible for me, and I had a low night, where I got drunk and tried to try to kill myself (I did not get very far) before apparently calling this guy and asking him to come save me, basically. He did, chamomile tea in hand, and I think that was the night I stopped seeing him as this over-bearing, annoying dickhead. He was so caring and soft. He held me while I cried, and stayed completely calm, although he later confessed to having his own breakdown on my front lawn afterwards. But it was such a life-changing experience. After I finally started to calm down, he laid there on my bed with me and just cuddled, and that night, he saved my soul. I saw a side of him I never knew existed, and since then, we have tried to stay in contact. I listen to his woman problems and he listens to my *insert other persons name here* problems. 

Leading up to today, Mark has been calling me, saying he just likes talking to me, and talking about how their breakup is unavoidable; she’s leaving for school in September, and he didn’t know if he liked her as much anymore. And then, I get the text. “So, um, something just happened” My heart stopped. I knew what I was hoping for, and I knew how horrible it was to wish that. Since that one night, I have been slowly regretting not taking our intimate relationship to another level. I would see photos of him and I couldn’t get them out of my head. I had nights where I wanted nothing more than to be his. I don’t know when it started, but it hasn’t gone away. And so when this text lit up my phone, and I knew what happened before I even read the response, my mind starts to race. I invite him over to talk, obviously. And we do, and we play some video games, and we laugh, and then we talk about how long it has been since I had sex with anyone, and we both drop hints about how we would be okay if that streak ended tonight, and next thing I know, he pauses the game we are playing, He makes an excuse to go into the kitchen, grabs some food I put out for myself, and says “Which one do you think you can wait longer for?” and I put down my own controller and jump on him. He is strong, and he grabs me, and our faces press together like we’ve been waiting years for this. All the tension dissipated and it was just us. We start making our way to the bedroom while kissing and undressing, and me being me, I panic a little bit. “Should I turn the lights on or something?” and he replies “I really don’t care” and pulls me onto the bed, and we are kissing and undressing and it all happens so quickly. And this time, it felt so different. I wanted him there, inside me, holding me, kissing my lips and my neck and my chest. He slid inside me so much easier, it was a lot to process in a very short amount of time. And before I know it, it’s over, and we are both panting and slightly disoriented. And then we pull our clothes on and go back to the game. And, to be fair, he did just break up with his girlfriend less than 2 hours before, so I knew what this was. But, unfortunately, this time it was more for me.

So I am sitting here, trying to consider his feelings and how tender this whole situation is, so I will continue to do that. I can have patience; I had feelings for someone for a very long time before really, properly mentioning it. So if Mark is someone I want to be with, and I want him to be with me, maybe I’ll play the game a little smarter this time around. To be continued, hopefully.

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a Not-So-Date

A friend called me up. I had been avoiding this persons calls for about a month, mostly because the last time I saw them was when they were getting thrown out of a party we were so graciously invited to. A cool party, thrown by cool people, that I intended to speak to again. So I immediately needed to separate myself from this person who just started a fight over me trying to pee. Yeah, strange night. 

So they call, and I think, okay, you know, I don’t want him to think I hate him because I know that feeling and I know this person and I had a feeling they would feel that feel, ya feel?

So they ask if I want to hang out, maybe go for a walk, or go to their place to have a few beers. My mind flashes back to the night I agreed to have a few beers at their place and it turned into them ranting all night long about the same thing over and over, then stopping, stating they want to move on, forget about it and have a good night! Aaaand then circling back to the same subject. For another couple hours, And not letting me leave. It was fantastic. I wasn’t upset at all. I immediately suggest something more public, like a meal at a restaurant. That has an end for sure, so I figure that’s a safe bet.

We agree to meet at a pub close by. I show up, looking better than I did less than an hour ago, when I was in the same T-shirt I’ve been in for 2 days, wiping cheesy popcorn dust onto my shorts. But he’s a friend, so it’s okay if I don’t look my best. 

He arrives and we hug, because he’s a touchy guy, but he turns his head and goes in for a kiss cheek, but ends up landing on my ear, his loud smooch leaving me slightly def for a moment. I wish that didn’t happen, but maybe it’s a one-off. He IS a bit eccentric. He sits down across from me, and I have already ordered a beer, deciding I will need a little alcohol to get through this. He orders whatever I’m having. And begins talking louder than a normal person in a normal pub would be speaking. Has he already been drinking? It wouldn’t be completely out of character. We begin to talk, it’s a little awkward at first but we talk about jobs and what’s new and all that small talk stuff. And then he asks what I’ve been up to, and we have always been comfortable talking about the tough subjects with each other. That’s one of the reasons we became friends. We have both struggled with anxiety and other stuff you don’t bring up at a dinner table. Somehow, the subject of what happened with my mom and sister comes up, and he’s really making me feel heard. He tells me how he’s so sorry I had to deal with this crisis, which honestly makes me feel good because I didn’t even give myself that reassurance. But then. He puts down his fork, as I tell him how I was really struggling to cope. He puts down his knife. Oh, no. What’s happening. Please don’t...

He gets up from the table, and comes across to give me a hug, bumping the neighboring table on the way. So in the middle of this pub, full of people, he is hugging me. And then. HE KISSES ME AGAIN. Why. I just told you how much I had to suffer, why are you continuing my pain. 

This uncomfortably long hug and yet another loud smooch leaves me unsteady and slightly def again. Great. At this point, the deep stuff starts coming out. He also begins to swear a little louder and more often while he tells his stories about how he was fired, how someone was being a douche bag, or how much he FUCKING LOVED this guy he met in the Knoxville bathroom. People are looking and the table next to us is notably quiet, probably listening to our very colorful conversation. I realize at that moment, if someone were to make a comment to him about it, he would probably start a scene. Cool. Can I leave now?

Nope, not yet, because he just ordered another drink. And now he’s talking about the time he wanted to commit suicide. The table beside us has suspended ALL conversation. I would be listening, too. This train wreck of what appears to be a date would be SO ENTERTAINING. The server comes around, and my friend here loudly compliments him, saying HEY MAN, YOU’RE A REAL SOLID GUY. Please make this stop.   

So we finally get the bill, and besides all the awkward, it was nice to catch up with an old friend. He pays for the bill, which I fight a little bit. He says, I don’t mind paying! Just text me back once in a while HAHA. ...

As we leave, he invites me out to hang out with his friend, the one he met at Knoxvilles, who is 11 years younger than him. Oh yeah, hes 12 years older than me. He was once friends with someone who was 18 years younger than him, and most of his friends are at least 8 years younger. That’s a red flag if I ever saw one. 

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

“13 Reasons Why” triggered me into therapy.

I am not kidding. I hate the word “trigger” because it’s such a meme, but it really happened.

I was actually very excited when I heard that there was going to be a TV show about suicide and mental illness, and that they were going to give people who maybe haven’t had to struggle with mental illness an idea of what someone like me has to go through. I felt like, somehow, this would help break down the stigma. I had never read the book but I knew the content of it going into it. I had seen lots of movie with scenes of rape, bullying, and even suicide. (the virgin suicide was one of my favorites growing up as a depressed teen). I was a little late to begin watching it, and all I heard were rave reviews about how when you start, you wont be able to stop. There were even memes about the show, how could something so talked about be so bad. I was glad it was getting so much notoriety. 

This show came out while I was in the middle of the most stressful situation I’ve had to deal with in my life so far. I was looking forward to a distraction. 

A little background on me. I had dealt with some sad things in my early teenage life, losing loved ones and so on. I was also bullied, not super bad though; I was never called a slut or beat up, but I was constantly working on projects alone because people would rather work in groups of threes than work with me. I was not the prettiest, and a couple people made a point of reminding me of that and embarrassing me in front of everyone by means of pulling my pants down in front of the whole class, slapping my ass on a dare and then yelling “EW” and telling me the guy I had a crush on liked me back and wanted me to ask him out. Lucky for me, I was smart enough by the time they came up with that last one to recognize they were just saying that to embarrass me. It was awful, but I got through it and came out with friends in high school, and a new set of friends as an adult that I cherish every day of my life. But I also came out with a couple other things. I was already dealing with depression from other experiences, and soon after came social anxiety and self hatred. I decided the only way someone would like me would be if I changed who I was completely. So I did. I deleted every single picture I ever had from that time, said goodbye to the only two people who would talk to me, and got a whole new wardrobe. I made my voice sound higher, I made my stomach look smaller, and my hair look straighter. It took me until very recently to realize I have no idea who “I” am. I know what I tried to be, I have all these personalities that I tried so hard to become but none ever stuck. And here I am now, 22, and watching a Netflix show about teenagers, that stripped me down to my core and left me raw.

So why did this happen? I don’t exactly know why or what set me off, but as the episodes went on, it got progressively more difficult to watch. Watching Hannah get called names and made fun of, exposed in vulnerable places, I knew those feelings. And watching Clay feel so empty inside, wondering what he could have possibly done to make Hannah feel this way was so heartbreaking. Losing someone you love is the hardest thing to go through, in my opinion. But I was angry at the writers, because I know that if someone decides to take their own life, it’s not fair to lay blame on the people left behind. I have always held that opinion and it’s not always a popular one, but to me, it makes sense. This “That will show them” mentality is EXACTLY the type of problematic thinking that a young, depressed person could have, and if that’s encouraged? My goodness, 

Every article you read that agrees with this opinion will use the word “glamorize” when referring to what the show has done to suicide. I don’t think it glamorized it at all. It validated. 

I am not saying this out of a completely ignorant place. I have had suicidal thoughts in the not-so-distant past, and as far back as middle school. They have been a part of my life from time to time, and I am not ashamed of it. I’ve never been ashamed of what I’ve had to deal with, mostly because I’m really great at oversharing and telling people things they really never needed to hear (see: this entire paragraph) But that mentality helped me feel less alone as a teenager struggling to float in the ocean that was terrible thoughts, sleepless nights and self-hatred. Telling someone about it meant it wasn’t just my battle anymore. 

BUT ANYWAYS. I was mad that they were showing suicide like this, and not ONCE discussed how she had suffered from depression or any other kind of mental illness. I waited until the end of the series to see if this changed; maybe there was a huge reveal, maybe there was something the audience didn’t know yet. But, to my dismay, nothing of the sorts came about. I saw it as blaming the people around her for not being more understanding and nice. People in Middle School and High School are ASSHOLES. They do mean, stupid things to try and fit it. It is always ALWAYS  a personal and selfish decision to end your own life. But, I still saw a part of me in Hannah. I got to the last episode, and as you may have guessed, she kills herself. She slits her own wrists. But they made the creative decision to show it. The whole, brutal thing. So I watched in tears and horror, and I saw something on her face... not pain, or sadness, but relief. Finally, after thirteen grueling episodes, after 4 terrible years of her life, she was finally free from the pain, and she was happy. And a small spark of a thought came to mind, that I hadn’t felt in a couple years... Relief would be... nice. 

Now, after years of working on my own mental illness, recognizing bad thoughts, learning how to stop a panic attack, how to get through a depressive episode, and so on, I knew this was NOT a good sign. I had to stop. I shut off the TV, curled into a ball in my living room and broke down. Shortly after, my panic attacks started again and I dove into a 2 week long nightmare. I was panicking every day, not sleeping, depressed, nothing felt worth it anymore, why am I even here, I wish I showed my bullies what they did to me, I wish they fucking knew, if only the people who hurt me knew how much it hurt, and so on. It got really dark, really bad, I didnt shower or leave my room until one day, I was scrolling through facebook at 3am. I wasn’t going to be sleeping any time soon so why try? And there was a post from a local radio station. It was a test to see how depressed you were. I scrolled past, almost laughing because 1. I already knew, I didn’t need an internet quiz to tell me how fucked up I was and 2. CLICKBAIT. The post read: 

2 years ago, I took this exact same test because even though I knew something was wrong? I wasn't really ready to admit I finally needed to get help. This test was a major factor in finally getting my mental health back on track.

Even if you think everything is okay? Take it anyway. I could change your life in ways you never expected... It did for me.

I scrolled past... and then scrolled back up. I thought, what the heck, why not. 

I took the test, and on a scale of 1-100 I was at an 82, which basically means I was real messed up. Then I was taken to an intake form page. And I started crying. I was trying to get help in the week prior and was just coming back with either too high rates, or not anywhere near me. And this basically just fell into my lap. It was like a sign, or something stupid like that. I filled out the intake form, basically pleading for someone to help me, and they called me the next day. I’ve been in therapy every since, and it actually feels like it’s working. I’m not healed by any stretch of the imagination, but this felt like a lifeline. I feel like I’m connected to people who could really help me. I feel like I’m not alone. I feel like I’ve started my healing path and it feels amazing. I am so grateful. 

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

FUCK BUDDIES CONT. CONT.

Would you look who walked back into my life. My old fuck buddy. But this time, he has a girlfriend. Also, we aren’t fucking. lol. Not doing the whole “Cheating” thing again. Turns out, I can’t cope with crippling guilt. 

But we’re talking a whole bunch and I’m really happy for him and his lady, and I genuinely never had feeling for him so those words aren’t forced this time. But he’s such a good guy and I never really saw that. We’re pretty similar people, both way too open and enjoy humble bragging to impress people. We think we’re hot shit but also don’t. It’s great! We get along swimmingly! And nothing is weird with him, I never feel like I need to apologize to him and like, he tries to make his friends happy and I think that’s really nice. He’s funny and like kind of cute and okay maybe if I’m being honest I’m seeing all these nice qualities all of the sudden and I can’t help but think if he was single, maybe I would be pursuing things a little bit. But I’m not going to give my heart to yet another unavailable man.

Also because, for the first time in literally my entire life, I feel like I have a guy friend. With absolutely no strings, coming from either parties. No motives, no wondering, no pressure. We can say whatever we want to each other and we can be rude to each other and I don’t think it would change a single thing. It’s incredible. I’m so happy.

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

KP

This is to you. You have changed me. I’ll never tell you any of this because it would make you cringe/cry/vomit/run away with the speed of our dear lord and savour sonic the hedgehog. But I’m going to dump all my emotional bullshit that I wont ever tell you because I know you wouldn't appreciate it. Here goes. 

You have changed me as a person. I met you and I saw you as this person that just needed someone to open up to. Maybe you had been broken-hearted before and needed someone to show you that being in love isn’t that bad. Maybe you had a secret dark past. Maybe you were lonely like me. 

But that’s not at all who you were. You were surrounded by people who love you and who you love. You were open and social and confident and knew who you were and were happy to remain that way. That scared the SHIT out of me because that was everything I wanted to be but knew I wasn’t. I tried so hard to get you to let your emotional side show, or communicate things you never communicated with anyone before, but that wasn’t what I should have done, and I’ve learned to accept you for exactly who you are and stop trying to make you into someone that I thought you needed to be. That was the first lesson. I’ve learned to start listening to who people are and just let them be that. Stop assuming everyone is broken and just waiting for me to come along and fix them. I’ve learned to see the beauty in who people are. I dont know why I didnt do that before but here we are. 

I remember the night that I made you cry, and I was an awful, terrible person to you and I dont regret that night (per say) but I definitely wouldnt do it again. Ever. You are precious to me and it hurt me so much to see you that way, in a way I never really knew I could feel about someone. It was the first time I saw you as small and hurt, and it was all my doing. I had destroyed this beautiful thing that was you, all because of jealousy? a need for attention? selfishness? I dont know. It makes me cry just thinking about it. In all this chaos, I immediatley wanted to take everything back and say I was sorry and tell you its okay and that I forgave you and you be so happy to see that I wasnt mad, and just now I am realizing that’s what my mother used to do to me. She would use that to gain validation from the people she knew would always forgive her. holy shit. 

Okay anyways. I realized that night that, just because you dont show affection the same way I did or how I was used to, doesnt mean its not there. It might be there so much stronger than you could imagine, and you’re completely overlooking it because you’re too obsessed with the idea that maybe they dont like you, maybe you annoy them, maybe its all about you. I learned to trust you. I learned to try and trust people. I learned to let go of the need to control. 

You are constantly challenging my idea of who people are and what friendships can be and it scares me so much but I love you enough to keep going, and it’s kind of exciting to be honest. You have taught me a lot of other things and I’ve never been so thankful for meeting someone. Some of the feelings I have for you, I don’t really know how to process. I feel so strange around you, in a really good way. Its an entirely new feeling, and its scary and I know its a love of some sort. The touch of your hand against mine, or my head on your chest sends this electric pulse through me that both calms and excites me and that sounds SO gay but you have to admit the wording is pretty poetic and thats most of the reason why I wrote that. It’s not really like that. Sometimes I wish you would just roll over so I can sleep with my butt sticking out. You take up so much of my bed and weigh more than me so I’m stuck sleeping on the 1/8th that you have left for me. But anywho. You’re so important to me and who I am becoming and I will never ever take you for granted again. I will love who you are, I will not try and change a single part of who you are, because you as a whole is a beautiful person. You bring light to my life and any life you touch. I dont know anyone who affects people the way you do. You are a blessing and I am so grateful. I love you KP. 

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

Monday.

It is Monday now. Speaking of emotions, I feel so many all the time. I feel like my heart is going to burst with happiness and love while at the same time feeling like its sinking to the bottom of the ocean with despair and loneliness. I feel lonely, which is something I honestly never felt for so long. I always had a boyfriend or a friend I texted every day with every though and they told me every one of theirs. But I dont have a single person like that anymore and I am lonely. I think maybe they were just masking a feeling that was always there; whenever I would feel that cold tinge in my stomach, I would call or text one of them until I felt better, and then stop replying. I talk about how selfless I am and how important it is to care about people and be compassionate but I think I’m one of the most selfish person I know. I dont give a shit about people unless it benefits me and that SUCKS. I cant remember what its like to have a real friend, and the only benefit is the time you spend together, and the secrets they tell you, and their smile. I want a friend who messages my roommate asking what kind of wine I like. I want true friends, not just fleeting flings. But i’m scared of commiting to someone that I cant force to commit back. I need control and I need attention and I don’t know why I crave those things so badly. If im aware of it, i should be able to shut it off right? Maybe there isn't a reason, maybe I am just wired to be this awful person.

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

I’m a mess.

Truly. I am. I am stuck in this purgatory between loving and hating who I am. Coming to the realization that you have no idea who you are, and having no idea how to figure it out is terrifying. I’m a child. I act like a child, I think like a child. I blame all my problems on other people, deciding that I am the way I am because my high school friends betrayed me or because my boyfriend was controlling or because I am socially anxious but its none of those things. Maybe I could have prevented the magnitude that some of my issues impact my life now if I wasn’t in those positions, but I would still be an immature piece of shit. I don’t feel the way I used to. I feel like a weak little shell of a person, that if you blow too hard, I’ll fall over. I have no idea where my life is going and I am not doing anything to change that, but I get frustrated when nothing comes my way. Why isn’t my life getting better? Why am I such a hot mess? Why can’t I just have one drink? Why do I ruin almost every single one of my personal relationships? Why do I try and invoke more affection out of people than they can give? When they show me the kind of affection that they are capable of, I don’t think it’s good enough. I want more and more but when they tell me I’m the best thing to ever happen to them, I’m revolted and run away. Why. I’m in love with my best friend because he shows me the most silent affection. There’s nothing that makes me happier than when he wraps his arms around me in our half sleepy state. He’ll never share his emotions verbally, but being this close to someone and just FEELING whatever it is that’s between you is out of this world. I can’t describe it and I want so DEARLY for him to feel the same. I hope he does and I hope we never talk about it. It’s more romantic that way. And if we never talk about it, it’s whatever I want it to be. Its a terrible relationship. I found myself crying over how difficult it is to deal with this type of relationship when I have always been so different. But maybe that’s what makes it beautiful and unique. I’m learning to be a completely different person than I have always thought myself to be, just to respect and abide by this persons boundaries. I stopped asking personal questions and I started just keeping things light. Because that is the type of person that he is. And I love him dearly and I just want our friendship to be one he feels safe in. That’s all I want. If I can never be his girl, I’ll be the best friend he could possible have. There’s nothing like having someone to call home, and I want the people I love to experience this feeling the way I have. But it gets hard when that isnt reciprocated. I think I am an emotional person, I feel deeply and strongly and I dont think i would ever want to get rid of that trait, but it gets hard when you have so many feelings for so many people, and you have no idea what to do with them. I love so many people. I’m so thankful for so many people but I am also terrified to talk to ANYONE. I am also perpetually sad, depressed, anxious, and late. I hate who I am. I’ve always spread stuff about self love and confidence but I think I’ve learned this year that I hate who I am. I dont have a relationship to go hide and be validated in anymore. Its just me and I hate me. I want to be the Cool Girl. I as soon as I see myself quoting gone girl, I know I’m in trouble. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they love me no matter what in the silence of the early morning, before the birds sing. I hate having to hold myself when I cry myself to sleep. Why cant I have someone to call home?

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

The worst

This year has been the second-worst year of my life. By far. Bar none. I'm miserable and alone and stressed all the fucking time, I get sick every couple of weeks, nothing makes me happy. I'm a bitch to the people closest to me, desperate to any attention that gets thrown my way. And it's not over yet! I'm stuck in perpetual sadness every day I go to work at a place that's going out of business. It's like knowing you're not gonna have a job in a month or so, but like everyone is so fucking miserable around you, you can't even try and enjoy it. I feel unlovable and crazy and like I just need to run away and never come back. Have a completely fresh start. Change my name, get rid of my past. FUCK THIS. Seriously.