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f-ckmia · 5 years

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Lets talk about Park Jimin.

This boy right here, dating back to somewhere in the streets of Busan, at the age of seven he wanted to be the world’s greatest swordsman and was obsessed with dinosaurs up until middle school. The he discovered singing and told his father that he wanted to be a singer and his dad said, you do you the light of my life; fastrack a few years when in middle school he decided (as if a gift from God) to become a dancer and started doing ballet and contemporary along with street dance specializing in popping. (talk about talent).

He continued being a fire dancer and if I may flex, the busan street battle champion. His dance academy literally allowed him to learn for free cause he was just.that.good. A few years down the line he was faced with a little bit of a crossroads where he had to choose between being a professional dancer or give his dreams a try and enter the kpop industry. Jimin had four scholarships lined up for him no big deal but he decided (again, as if a gift from God) to audition for big hit entertainment and ended up being a trainee.

He met Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jin , taehyung and Jungkook. People he will eventually end up loving more than anything he’ll ever love. Namjoon and Yoongi had always been kind of an enigma, one being the leader and the other being as detached from life as it gets but their lyrics always spoke what they never did. Jin was a bit difficult to understand at first but with time it started feeling weird if there wasn’t someone joking around and making everyone smile even when their legs felt like giving out. Hoseok was someone who inspired the dancer in Jimin, the way he smiled so effortlessly even while doing the hardest of chereohraphies was something to adore. Taehyung and Jimin went to the same high school and in no time became the bestest of friends, they were practically inseparable; soulmates to be exact. Sometimes it felt like they only had each other to rely on. Jungkook on the other hand was a literal child who made Jimin want to constantly dote on him and how could he not love this lil boy who somehow felt like Busan, felt like home.

The trainee period was honestly hell in every possible sense; Jimin had the shortest trainee period and trained for mere months as opposed to the three years of training everyone else had. A lot of people including the CEO of the company were at some points against Jimin being in the group which resulted in him getting kicked out a couple of times. It was a long hard training period for this boy from Busan but eventually with nothing but sheer hard work, willpower and undeniable skills he ended up being the main dancer and the lead vocalist of Bangtan boys. (Pause for flex)

After what seemed like an endless struggle, the d day came and BTS debuted on 13th June, 2013. It was honestly shocking to some to see a rookie band having such a high skill set. Their debut was somehow the talk of the town. Amusingly enough, Everyone seemed to be talking about this guy who shows his abs during the performances. It helped with the popularity but as with all good things in life, it had a major downside. He was a minor who was forced to show his body when he literally requested against it and this in-turn left him with insecurities about his gorgeous body that’ll haunt him for years to come.

BTS weren’t really that big when they debuted, they were from a small company with limited funds and had to slowly build their way to the top amongst all the prejudice thrown at them.

Jimin grew up somewhere along the way.

Everyone seemed to love his pretty eye smile, the way he smiled with those eyes that made people feel at home. Everyone talked about how amazing he is all the time but somehow Jimin didn’t seem to believe. He somehow always saw himself as lacking something, always not enough. So he practiced;

There was Jimin; practicing, constantly striving to be better and more better. Burning out his body dancing, loosing his voice singing and rehearsing till he collapses. He kept practicing to sing better, kept collapsing till he danced better and kept starving till he looked better.

He just couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. Even in the vlog that was being filmed for his own birthday he couldn’t quite focus on the cake or his friends but somehow was busy covering his face with his hands because he felt like who he was without makeup wasn’t good enough.

A lot of things changed. Years, haircolours, eras; at the end of it all was one fateful day of May 5th, 2015 when BTS had their first win and for some reason Jimin couldn’t stop crying. It was hard believing that all his struggles are finally being rewarded; it felt unreal like it was a secret camera or his birthday but it was real and things were about to get even more real.

Then came wings and Jimin had to write a song for his solo and it was honestly difficult for him to settle on one thing so he kept working and kept editing and after months on end he came out with the lyrics to a song called ‘lie’. This song was the most genius thing most people had heard. It became the most popular of all the solos that were in that particular album. It set records on spotify and instantly became a highlight for their tour as well.

Somehow, a song that was so widely loved had lyrics that were downright disturbing. He kept pleading for himself to be saved from hell. He kept saying that there are these voices that he hears and how he’s astray and how he needs to be rescued, desperately needs to be saved but nobody really cared about the lyrics as long as the choreography showed his collarbones & a choker.

A year down the line came the fateful concept of blood sweat & tears. Jimin had a lot riding on him for this. Being the center of their main single was something that was quite hard but Jimin had always been up for challenges.

He thought he had to be better, more better and the only way to be better was to look good because that’s what they say right? They say, your eyes desire first and the heart comes along later right? So he starved. He starved himself to the point where he ate one proper meal in ten days. He kept feeling tired and collapsed a few times during rehearsals but it doesn’t matter cause it was working right? People went crazy about him in blood sweat & tears. It was a sight to see, people falling for him faster than his jacket falls off his shoulder. Blood sweat tears Jimin became a standard for sexy and charismatic that only few in kpop could reach. Who cares about his health as long as the focus fancams keep coming in, yeah?

Things went on like this and damn BTS were on fire. Bangtan boys went from nobodies from a small company to being the biggest band in the world. They won many awards. They won daesangs and BBMAS and every other award that could fit in their bag. It was surreal. They achieved all the dreams that they had set out to achieve but this also meant that they were in uncharted territories. No one had quite done what they were doing. With the realization of being the best came the realization of being all alone on the top; Here set in the existential crises. It seemed like everyone was having a hard time, all the members were struggling too much and it was all too overwhelming to the point where they had to even consider disbanding and there are a lot of things that Jimin hadn’t imagined happening that happened but boy, this was the least of them all.

He was struggling so much but it was all on the inside you know? Never quite on surface. On surface he was everyone’s resident mochi but in reality there was hate, just so much fucking hate it made his head hurt. Everytime he opened twitter there were a dozen comments about how Jimin as a singer, as a dancer, as an artist; as a person just wasn’t enough.

But he kept powering through. Kept walking with his head high even though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Jimin along the way decided to write a song of his own. Something that is Jimin in it’s very essence. To begin with it was a song about how he wasn’t enough. It got so bad that at one point he was practically cursing himself through his own song for just not being enough.

Along the way, there was a concert. It was one of the biggest they had ever done; citifield USA. It was a big damn deal. It felt unreal seeing so many people with their army bombs held high, tears in their eyes, all for these seven boys. Jimin was reminded of a time some months back when he was watching a video of his fans singing ‘young forever’ and how back in the day when he was having a hard time figuring himself out, he had cried his out to that song and to the people he loves so much. He couldn’t quite contain that feeling and ended up crying during the encore and boy when he cried it rained in some hearts. He cried looking at the sea of people that was no longer a mirage. Jimin being Jimin, decided that he wouldn’t sing about his struggle and his pain but would much rather sing about the fruits at the end of his despair so, he took some time out, got himself back on his own feet and did a complete 360 for his solo song.

Instead of talking about how his pain and his struggle bothered him he just promised himself to not allow those things to bother him anymore. It was honestly therapeutic. The song that came out at the end of all this pain was a ‘promise’. A promise to help himself get through the night.

It was a long motherfucking road till here but at the end of all despair there was just one answer that he found, loving himself. The end of his despair wasn’t in how other people loved him but in how he needed to love himself, so now a days he does just that.

He loves himself.

He is goofy on stage, he doesn’t strictly stick to choreography now a days, he has his fun on stage. He isn’t scared of changing notes live on stage because even if his voice cracks or if he misses a step, now he knows, it’s only human. He eats too, atleast that’s what he tells his people. He does live shows where he is eating and tells everyone that he loves having midnight snacks and that he won’t diet again. Some people choose to believe him having no other choice but to hope he’s not caught in a lie again. The best thing though is that, He smiles a lot too recently and it’s the same smile; the same pre debut, familiar coming home Jimin eyesmile.

Guess it’s like coming home afterall, the 18 year boy who left a career, his hometown, all his loved ones and moved to the big city of Seoul all for a single dream that he had no guarantee of ever fulfilling. It really is coming home, coming home to himself and realizing that after all these years the only thing that has changed is that he became BTS’s Jimin from Park Jimin but underneath it all it’s just that same boy from Busan who can’t laugh without flinging his body across the room. The same boy who gets offended when asked about his height. The same little boy with the world’s biggest heart holding all of the love in his lil’ mochi hands and his little pinky that he has intertwined to make a promise, not just for us to love us but for him to love himself the way he deserves to be loved.

And honestly, I think that’s fucking beautiful.

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