f0xn0v4

[f0xn0v4]

Dec. 2nd 2023

Kali died last night, tried to boot her up and got a TPM error w/ no POST. I don't have the money to replace the motherboard, so she's gone. I'm not sad about lost work, the M.2 drives should still be working. I'm just sad I lost such an amazing computer. She had been with me through so many projects and survived hydrogen sulfide poisoning with me. I miss her.

This should go without saying, but all projects are on hold until further notice.

[f0xn0v4]

Nov. 29th 2023

I'm all out of "sorry"s; thanks to semantic saturation, even the thought of the word has become meaningless this evening. I'm not able to drink whiskey anymore but I got some cheap red wine. I love how even shitty wine tastes amazing. Fuck induced pluripotent stem cells, the guy who figured out rotten grape juice is good shit needs a Nobel prize, the first one posthumously awarded.

I am feeling especially scummy today, so much so I've been listening to my forbidden playlist. These songs hit so different drunk and after years of distance. Today's recommendation is the song I listened to every time I tried to kill myself. It's also the only song I'll play publicly because it is so forgiving in terms of garbage improvisation. Not gonna die tonight, but this song let's me relive the relief without any of the consequences of ending up alive: "Georgia on my Mind", Ray Charles

[f0xn0v4]

Nov. 28 2023

Feeling fuzzy and shitty. But this song popped up on shuffle and made me laugh: "Congratulations, You Survived Your Suicide", Sycamore Smith

[f0xn0v4]

Nov. 26th 2023

I swear people who abuse macros in C need to shot. These are the same dickheads who switch build systems halfway through a project because they just finished watching a talk on the wonders of Bazel. We aren't compiling a million lines of code, fuck you. I really don't understand why programmers in my generation have such a hard on for ignoring established norms. At least be able to write something that works; the only thing worse than bad dumb code is bad dumb code that doesn't work. These are the same fucking people who mock me for sticking to the C89 standard but beg for my help when they are stuck with unintelligible compile errors because they used some dumb fucking macro.

I'll say it before anyone else does, I'm stupid. But consider what that means for these scum-fuck degenerates who deliberately write shitty code. Using pointers to point to pointers of pointers isn't a high IQ idea just because nobody else can understand why or how it "works". It's like placing the shit smear of an ape in the MMA and bitching that people just don't understand fine art because they can't stand the smell.

Not everyone is meant to code, specifically the motherfuckers who think watching a 5 hour course on youtube makes them an expert. Same goes for the front end devs who have more stickers on their laptop than brain cells in their thick fucking skulls. If your interest in programming is limited to memes on r/ProgrammingHumor or a 6-figure income promised by some dumb fucking YouTube short, stop. Please, for the love of god, stop. I am tired of being nice to people who think so highly of themselves but fail to deliver anything of value. I've had to put up with them during my freelance projects after they've fucked an existing codebase beyond recognition. They are a minority of a mostly wonderful community but their presence is still overwhelming.

I know my place is near the bottom of the skill ladder. I know I have a long way to go and I'm usually the last person in a position to criticize others. But morons duct taped to keyboards are tricking their way into high places and it is everyone's moral obligation to put them back in the dirt where they belong.

Jacob, if you somehow manage to find this, just know that this post is 100% about you. Next time you give me shit about my pull request, I'll pull up to your place and bash your head through your monitor.

[f0xn0v4]

Nov. 23rd 2023

Happy Thanksgiving! I get that for some it's just a familial inconvenience. For others, it feels like a tacky autumn rug we use to hide the bodies of countless natives while we repeat the same tired tale of the Puritans and Wampanoags. Although largely agree with those criticisms, I've got my own special kind of beef with the whole thing.

As hardcore Protestants, the Puritans attributed poor environmental conditions to shitty behavior. Failure of crops and piss poor rain were all signs that God was waging a moral war of attrition on the community. Because ketosis and dehydration aren't conducive for any activity other than laying around and being miserable, people did their best to make light of it all. They weren't "rationing", they were fasting; an empty stomach is a great way to get closer to God both literally and metaphorically. They spent their time contemplating how better to serve God until some sign of a ceasefire appeared, e.g. two straight weeks of rain. Once that was all over with, they would celebrate with a feast. The best part was it didn't count as gluttony thanks to the enormous caloric deficit they ran up prior to the truce.

Today, we just skip the penance and malnutrition and jump straight to stuffing our faces. The poblem is some of us are faced with one or two troubling thoughts: 1) "I know I do not deserve the people and things I am supposed to be thankful for" and 2) "I can't trick myself into believing otherwise so I can just enjoy something for once". Let me be clear, when I talk about being undeserving, I don't mean in the eyes of a God. I'm talking about knowing you are a parasite subsisting off the goodwill of people who are too kind to get rid of you. If you don't wear a smile, you're no better than the fucker who bombed at the wedding feast in the Book of Matthew. Worst part is, there's no king or God to throw you out, only people who tolerate you out of pity or politeness. You'll refuse to eat because you're an ontological zombie without a working digestive system. Everyone will think you're just being coy or take it as an insult regarding their food. You'll capitulate, eat, and stick to the same script you bring to every gathering like this.

And before you say fuck it and ghost them, think about all the low income households that struggle to put together a half-filling meal. Think about the queer kids who have family members less understanding than yours. Be thankful because you have every reason to be happy despite not deserving any of it. Don't fuck it up for everyone in your life because you can't enjoy it. Maybe just be thankful you're still alive and have time to get your shit figured out.

Song recommendation: "Born Again", Saint Motel

[f0xn0v4]

Nov. 20th 2023

I've been cheating a bit and posting on Blogger. Sorry but lord my therapist is ruthless and I can only tolerate so much "openness".

I've got a fun story about how I lost two of my most tresured trinkets. For those of you who've known me since high school know about the paperclip. I gave it to M. when they asked for a personal token to remember me by. I hope it didn't pass down some kind of curse, she looks alright now but I can never be sure. That same month, I had a break down in the back of XO. My father called after talking to the hospital and learning I was admitted due to a suicide attempt. I ended up locking to door and gagging myself with printer paper after I hung up. Apparently I wasn't quiet enough and M. heard me losing my shit. She ended up slipping a receipt under the door with a heart on it and waited for me to come out. When our shift ended, she gave me a hug I can't forget. It was one of five times I actually received some kind of love and actually felt it was genuine; no second guessing and no shame. I kept it in my wallet and lost it when I went AWOL on my trip to Sherman.

I miss her and I miss that receipt. I got drunk and now I'm sobering up and it sucks. I didn't deserve that love but I can't help but wish I could feel it again.

I can't think straight so I'm just gonna end this with my song recommendation: "Helium" by Glass Animals.

[f0xn0v4]

november 20, 2023

i haven't deleted a single file from my laptop since i started college.

today i was ready. i was ready to start purging the old me. the file was a journalism assignment. i had to record a full rant in one take.

for eighteen minutes, i watched my eighteen year old self sit in the living room of her first apartment. i was pale and sickly and dying.

my cat moth still had his kitten energy. he was annoying and chaotic and already my best friend. he ran around the couch while i tried to film.

i was a husk at this point. i was sad, cold, starving husk. i was planning on meeting him in person soon. i was planning on dying soon.

all i had left was moth.

[f0xn0v4]

Nov. 16th 2023

It's been a trash day and I've spent most of my time sleeping. While I was awake, I reviewed someone else's poorly written javascript. I am thinking about revamping an old project ("Losing Home"). I'll post the new version when I get around to completing it. As usual, check GitHub for the source.

Song Recommendation: "A Hard Rain's A Gonna Fall", Bob Dylan

[f0xn0v4]

Nov. 14th 2023

Today is no different from yesterday; I'm still struggling to act alright. So, I've opted for distance instead of shielding. On my walk, I found out the widgeon ducks turned in early. I am stuck spending my evening with a dead gecko. They look a lot like the one I met during the last storm. That isn't to say they are the same one, they all look the same and I think that's the worst part. Poor thing lost their tail which was nowhere to be found, left untouched and unconsumed. No reason/purpose for their death would be satisfying. I wish I saw them alive, skiddish and scrambling along the pavement. I got a beer and poured out half for our reptilian homie.

There is absolutely no dignity in death. No matter how we are remembered, we'll end up like this gecko. We'll shit ourselves, decompose, and get turned into maggot shit. No cosmic choir and no consolation prize. We can only hope to be someone worth mourning or shitty enough to leave behind a lesson on how not to be. Live with dignity because you'll lose it all when you go.

Song Recommendation: "Love Love Love", The Mountain Goats

[f0xn0v4]

This is going to be my new blog for a bit, sorry about the shift. I'd ask that those coming from Blogger refrain from following me on here or sharing the link to the older blog with tumblr users. I'll resume posting to my other blog when this experiment is done.