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the back story of a toxic relationship

you were not there when i needed you. you were not there when i was at my lowest. you were not there when i was in pain. you were not there to face my traumas. you were not there to listen to my daily updates. you were not there.

i was there when you needed me. i was there when you had nothing. i was there supporting your dreams. i was there to listen to your complaints about life. i was there when you had no one and needed some one to be with. i was there to face your past issues even though it hurts me. i was there.

gaslighting, manipulating, torturing and pointing fingers at me when you were at fault. weekly arguments which destroyed my mental health. yet i apologised on things that are your fault.

its okay, my love. i still love you.

#thoughts #toxicrelationship

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i see a pure happiness in you. i see a warm future in you. i see a real hope in you. i see the real me in you.

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things i have learned; 1) you cannot control your feelings and emotions, but you can control your actions and choices. 2) you are no one’s puppet. therefore, you are the one who is obligated to choose the situation you want it to be and no one can decide them for you. 3) do not let others make choices for you just because it benefits them, not you. 4) always put and prioritise your feeling first before others because in the end of the day, it is only you. not them. 5) it is okay to be selfish once in a while. give yourself a break. 6) last but not least, remember your goals, your values, your worth and your principles.

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Oxford, UK / 2018

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reminder!

little self care things ♡

open this if you don’t feel good today 💌

taste:

eat small fruit snacks

buy yourself a treat occasionally

make a cake in a mug

chew flavored sugar-free gum

put lemon in your water

hearing:

listen to your favorite music

or just wear earphones to block things out

listen to white noise/ambient sounds

smell:

put on some sweet-scented lotion

spray a bit of your favorite perfume

make your favorite coffee or tea

sight:

look in the mirror and tell yourself you look good today

clean the clutter in your room + throw things away

close all the unused tabs

clean the dishes + do your laundry

delete unused apps

make your bed

fold your clothes tidily

organize your books and papers

turn down the brightness of your phone/computer at night

smile and be more polite at strangers

open up the curtains, let the light in

go outside often

touch:

hug people you love

cuddle your pet

read while lying in your bed

hug a soft toy

appearance:

wash your face/use face wipes

dry shampoo if you’re too tired to shower

brush your teeth

exfoliate + moisturize your skin

change into clean clothes

brush your hair

put on some lip balm

body:

do your favorite exercises

take a nap

take deep breaths with your stomach

take a warm shower

stand up and stretch your legs

put on some music and go for a walk outside

get at least 7 hours of sleep

drink lots of water

hobbies:

always make some time to do what you love

create art, writing and music for yourself, not anyone else

don’t feel embarrassed about your hobbies

be patient with yourself, progress takes time! don’t give up

hobby ideas: cooking, reading, drawing, painting, a sport, a new language, learn a musical instrument, collect things, photography, join a class or a club

mind:

put yourself first

spend less time around people who make you feel bad

write your thoughts in a journal

stand up for yourself

stop judging people

don’t dwell in the past

concentrate on what’s happening now

don’t try for people who don’t care

stop caring about what’s not important

be a friend to yourself, rather than a bully

learn to love your body

see the bigger picture

change self-destructive habits

appreciate the good

let things go

ask for help

studying:

make lists

focus on priorities

stop putting everything off

turn off your phone if you need to

take breaks

do one thing at a time

believe in yourself!

other:

laugh a lot

get a plant and name it

buy flowers for yourself

be ok with being alone

go out with your friends

watch a movie

I hope you feel better soon. You deserve so much. Things will get better soon so keep going. ☁️ I love you

[fadedcoffee-blog]

7August2019 •

greeting wednesday!

it is my finals week and honestly, i am confident to do them! you know that feeling when you actually understand what you are studying? yes! that is what i am feeling right now. i really hope i able to ace the papers. anyhow, regarding my sleeping schedule, i really need to work on them. i have been sleeping super late and wake up super late as well. oh wells.

[fadedcoffee-blog]

“accept your own apologies, love ends with forgiveness. sometimes, home is a body and a voice, photographs are proof and i am conquering my insecurities. loneliness is an honest mirror, they will demand your love, you are not obligated to give it. an expensive drink is just a cheap therapy. time is not the enemy, my patience is. my heart deserves to smile after all it has survived.”

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14July2019 •

hi sunday!

i am currently studying media relations for my introduction to corporate communication class. i have midterms tomorrow! i just started learning today and i am disappointed at myself for procrastinating. there are too many things to absorb information about this subject and there is so little time for me to do it. i hope i can ace them tomorrow. hey, a little update, i dyed my hair greenish ash two days ago at the salon and i am so happy with the results! the only thing that i am not happy about is, hell, the maintenance is awfully expensive.

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Do you know that moment, when you jump off a dock into a deep vast lake, and you accidently fall further under the water then you expected, so you swim up, and up, and up, wondering when you’ll reach the top, only to run out of breathe right when your hand touches the surface. I guess that’s what depression is like, trying to swim up before you inevitably run out of breathe, wanting help so bad, but no one can hear your screams. And when someone realizes you havent come back up, it’s already to late.

-Elliot

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11June2019 •

hey, tuesday!

it has been quite some time since i am on this social media platform. i have been quite busy lately! anyway, i am currently doing my group assignment for a subject called introduction to corp. communication. i am so stressed out right now because i have only a week to complete it. this assignment must at least has 3-6 members in each group but unfortunately, my group has only the two of us! can you imagine the stress and worry i am having now? i really hope i can complete it as soon as possible.

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“I learned the hard way that I cannot always count on others to respect my feelings - even if I respect theirs. Being a good person doesn’t guarantee that others will be good people. You only have control over yourself and how you choose to be as a person. As for others, you can only choose to accept them or walk away.”

— I Love Quotes

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perceptions is everything

when we are depressed, anxious or grieving, we have a tendency to forget that things will get better. when all you can see is darkness, you forget that the other side of the darkness is light. one person might see the rejection as an opportunity to learn and grow and another person might see the rejection as proof that they are a failure. everyone fails sometimes. what counts is how you react to the failure or rejection. when we are depressed, anxious or grieving, we cannot understand how we will move past our intense emotions. we cannot understand how other people can be so happy when we are suffering so. each feeling that we have gives us information. grief teaches us to appreciate the ones that we love. depression lets us know that something is out of balance. anxiety tells us that we do not feel safe. we can use these emotions to become introspective and more aware of who we are.

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this hits me.

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little steps

today, honour your little steps and successes that you have, no matter how small or simple you think they are. every steps towards your dreams and fantasy have their meaningful things hiding behind them. those baby steps are the beginning of the hurricane of good things that will strike you.

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