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fadedsamurai · 3 years ago

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Your pain is my rival

Tw: suicide attempt

Kakashi/Gai

The story takes place after the mission of the land of waves. After Hakus death and when all of them went back at home.

None of them noticed how quite their Sensei became after they started their way back home. When they arrived that night in Konoha, their ways seperated. Naruto was starving so he went to Ichiraku with Sensei Iruka, Sasuke was on his way home and Sakura accompanied him because her home is on the way. Kakashi looked after them to make sure they are okay, when their silouettes slowly disappeared into the darkness between all those glowing lanterns he sighed "ahh.." and started to make his way home. When he entered his apartment, the light floods the dark room and as he slowly closed the door, it seemed as if the darkness was engulfing him. And it did.

This scene is playing in his head again and again when he closes his eyes the only thing can see is Haku dying... today he took another life...just the way he took hers..

As he closed the door he turned around and sank to the floor.

The expression on his face was marked with pain. His breathing became faster and faster as if his heartbeat competed against his lungs. He tries in vain to calm his breathing to slow down his heartbeat, but he doesn't succeed. The tightness in his chest becomes more painful and the feeling of fear and nervousness spreads throughout his stomach and chest. Breathing became more and more strenuous so Kakashi had no choice but to take off his mask. For Kakashi, his mask is not just a part of him, it is above all something that hides a part of him. The man behind the mask is someone he can not respect, whose face he can not look at, which is why he never takes the mask off except for showering and eating. "I need some water...now.." Kakashi said and tried to get himself up. With trembling hands he slowly pulls himself up on the door handle and walks towards the bathroom. When he reached the bathroom he threw himself on the faucet and tore it open, his trembling hand trying to bring the ice-cold water, that gave him goose bumps, to his mouth but suddenly Kakashi stops for a moment. His pupils dilated and he froze for a moment before he slowly looked up to the mirror where a tired and exhausted man looks back at him. He starres in the mirror with eyes wide open and he sees his father and a part of him he will never know and when he realized he felt a sharp pain near his heart and he clutched his chest and breathed heavily as he slowly walks backwards out of the bathroom, he met his sight in the mirror again and he didn't like what he saw I just look like him.. " No no no no" so Kakashi threw a Kunai as hard as he could and the shards shattered in every direction and just as quickly as the mirror shattered, Kakashi had another Kunai in his hand, which he points right at his

face. It was a mess and cahotic just as he's inside and again he sank down with his back against the wall and this time he was able to cry "please...let it stop.." Kakashi begged. In desperation he rammed the Kunai into the wall he was leaning against.

For Kakashi it was as simple as that...If dissapointment would have a face.. it would be his, if destruction would have hands,i t would be his...if peace ever existed, it wasn't meant for him and if pain would be a place...well.. there is only one place that captures all of that.

Kakashi slowly gets up, walkes out of the bathroom leaving this mess behind, as he leaves his apartment as fast as he could.

Kakashi left his door open and someone entered the apartment

A dark and strong voice filled the empty apartment with life "Kakashi my rival it's me where are you?, I'm coming in now, hey Kakashi.. How was the mission I heard tha..." and before he could even finish his sentence he saw all the glass on the bathroom floor and Kunais that were thrown. His thoughts were running in his head and he stood there not knowing what to say or what to do so he left the bathroom an wanted to head out to look for him but before he left he found something, "Kakashi...why would you? why would you leave your mask here..?" and just then it hit him and he knew and left the apartment immediately.

For him it was such a strange and painful feeling. He stands outside with his eyes closed and with a trembling voice he says

"I'm... I'm home.." and entered his old house where he used to live when he was younger and a little bit happier too. Kakashi walkes straight to the one room where it happened. He storms towrads the door and pauses just as his hand reaches the doorknob. His gaze expresses pain and panic but he takes a deep breath, making the air in his lungs feel like gasoline, giving him new fuel to keep going. He hesitates and yet he forces himself into these situations and throws himself against the door. He takes a few steps and kneels down, his hands stroking the floor, the moon is shining just as brightly as it was that one specific night... his hand grabs a piece of carpet that was newly made on it after the incident and rips it out. Bloodstains can be seen underneath. At that moment he closed his eyes and turned his face to the side and so he starts crying again. One tear went down his face as if the tear would try to calm him down by stroking his cheek and when the tear dropped on his hand Kakashi realized for how much pain he's responsible, especially for his own, he stares at his hand and whisperes in a quite and soft voice"you did your duty...but for what price" his hand falls down on his lap again. His cold and empty gaze meets the moon and the moon looks at him, ready to take the pain away from him...

The sound of a thousand birds shatters the apparent calm and the room is drowning in blue lightning as he raises his hand towards his own heart.

Gai also reached the house

From the distance he could see the window where the blue lights of his Chidori broke trhough stillness and darkness as conspicuously as a lighthouse. "Kakashi" Gai screamed and ran even faster.. but suddenly the shrill screeching of the birds stopped and the light went out. "NO... NO KAKASHI" he roared from his lungs and went inside as fast as he could and broke the door open. On the floor there is Kakashi but he can see no blood, immeadeatly he begins to touch him, looking for wounds but he couldn't find any. Gai checked his puls and for his surprise his heart was still beating... "He must have passed out... Kakashi.. what should I do" he asked himself while he picked him up to get him to the hospital.

A nurse told Gai Kakashis diagnose "vasovagale syncope?" Gai asks, the nurse explains that "Vasovagal syncope occurs when you faint because your body overreacts to certain triggers, such as the sight of blood or extreme emotional distress. The Vasovagal syncope trigger causes your heart rate and blood pressure distress. That leads to reduced flow to your brain, causing you to briefly lose consciousness." "I understand.. thank you very much" The nurse left him and Kakashi alone.

Gai was sitting there looking at Kakashis wound on his chest, it's small but a scar will still adorn his body.

"You didn't want to kill yourself Kakashi... your body and mind never reacted to stress like that...why would you still push yourself to do that...I'm so sorry I wish I could relieve you of

your burden because one thing is for sure... you don't deserve all this..but nobody else can handle this burden than you... but this night was too much for you all at once huh?..I understand that.

Gai made sure that Kakashi was safe and he didin't left his side the whole night but when he knew that Kakashi was regaining consciousness he left the hospital, not because he was afraid, afraid to have a conversation that would be uncomfortable for him and Kakashi, he left because there is nothing he can do for him but be there. As he found out that night, he needs to get stronger and faster because his rival is not Kakashi but his pain that catches up with him..

"I promise you I'm not going to lose you and I'm not willing to let you go...that won't happen."

One day after the icident they met on the training field while Gai trained his students and Kakashi trained his and when they walked pass each other Gai looked at him to make sure he is okay and he seemed to be better than the night before, Kakashi looked back at him and he nodded his head and whsipered "thank you.." Gai nodded back and they continued their training with their students

The kids were eating and talking while they had a break from the training and Gai went to talk to Kakashi

Kakashi sat there ond the field, far away in his thoughts when Gai came and interrupted him. Gai sat himself down right next to Kakashi but facing the other direction

"I know it is not the best moment to talk about this, it's also crazy that you are here training team 7 but I have to tell you that.. Last night I thought I would lose you and I was dying inside when I found you like that.. lying on the ground unconscious not negotiable. He puts his hand on his shoulder "To me you are more than familiy Kakashi... I'm just happy that you are okay for now but we will have to talk about this later... If you ever do that again I feel forced to let somebody know.. I'm not joking around kakashi I'm serious right now.. If you need me you know where you can find me.. oh and Kakashi?" Kakashi turned his face to him while Gai was still looking in the distance "Your feelings are valid and it's okay to break down and it's okay to cry and to be sad and it's okay to be weak sometimes... I know how hard your are fighting..but if you ever do that again what you tried that night" Kakashi felt Gai looking at him so they locked eyes and Gai said in a tone he had never heard before "If you try that again, you'r biggest problem won't be the pain, it'll be me"

Kakashi broke the eye contact and before Gai could leave Kakashi grabbs his arm and tells him "Thank you..for everything.." Gai nodded at him and then he stood up and calles for this students to continue their training. Sakura comes walking towards Kakashi. "Kakashi Sensei, the other team continues training so we should also continue, are you okay Sensei?"

"Sakura, don't worry about aynthing, I'm good, well so let's start with a new technique..where are Naruto and Sasuke?..ahhh it's always the same.." Kakashi stood up and looked for his students..happy to be still alive and thankful

for a rivality that lasts for eternity and for a friend who will always watch his back.

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