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[faeriesinthedell]

Me 🤝 the crippling fear that I will never be enough for my future children and that they will suffer because of the fact that I'm their mother

[faeriesinthedell]

I love my mother so much, but navigating our relationship feels like banging my head repeatedly against a brick wall. I always manage to upset her. Either I'm too headstrong or I'm too submissive for her taste, and it changes day to day. I have no idea how to be enough for her standards. I've mostly given up on her ever seeing me as an equal, because I know that I'll always be helpless in her eyes, at least to an extent. I still mourn the relationship we could have, though. I know that healthy and independent dynamics can exist between adult daughters and their mothers. I've seen it. I want it so badly, but it's never happening. I'm so scared that I won't be a good mother when my time comes around.

[faeriesinthedell]

I'm so sick of having this burden on me. I love my mom so much, and I know she thinks that I hate her, and every little argument we have probably cements that for her, and I hate it. I love her so much, but there's so much tension between us and I don't know how to fix it and I don't know if it can be fixed. It's the same way between her and my grandmother, and from what I understand, it was the same for my grandma and great-grandma. We're basically Ladybird and Marion on steroids, and it sucks, and I have no idea how to fix it

[faeriesinthedell]

Being the "good kid" leaves a mark. I bend over backwards to be useful because I feel like people will be upset, annoyed, or inconvenienced if I don't

Sorry to break yall's hearts but this is too well written of a post to not include in here.

[faeriesinthedell]

Throwback to that time I watched Ladybird and sat on the couch sobbing silently for 2 hours because it hit that close to home 🥲✌️

[faeriesinthedell]

I want to be a good mother so badly, and I'm so terrified that I won't be able to do that. Sometimes I question if I even want kids, because I don't want to risk repeating the cycle. It's selfish, I know, but I want children so badly. I always have, ever since I was a kid myself, and my husband wants to have kids someday too. I'm just so scared that I'll do to them what my mom did to me.

[faeriesinthedell]

Things with my mom have been better this year, I think. It's hard to tell, honestly. I know I'm selfish, I know I can be a jerk, and I know I'm so much like her that's why we butt heads so often. Honestly, sometimes I cry about the fact that I can see my mother in myself. Sometimes I talk like her, or I walk like her, and everyone always confuses us for one another when we're talking on the phone because we sound alike. I love my mother. It's not that I don't want to be like her, but I just don't want to be *too* much like her. I want to be my own person too. As I'm getting a bit older and childhood friends are settling down and having kids, it's honestly making me feel so conflicted. I want to be a mother so badly, and it's something that I've wanted since I was a kid, but I'm so terrified that I'm going to screw up and just repeat the cycle. My great-great grandmother emotionally abused my great-grandmother. My grandma and my mom have an extremely strained relationship. They love eachother so much and they cry every time they leave eachother after a visit, but they also fight constantly and my grandmother always seems to think that my mom is an idiot who doesn't know what she's doing. I know a lot of parents can be that way to adult children, but trust me, my grandma is so much worse than average.

Usually, after a visit with my grandma, my mom will come to me and apologize for how she treats me, because being around her own mother makes her see the parallels, I guess. Things get better and less tense for a while, and then it goes back to normal once my grandma isn't around. I'm just so scared that I'm going to do this to my own children. What if I do it to my husband? What if I don't even realize that I'm doing it? I've always had weird self esteem, and I don't know if that comes from how I was raised, or if that's just something I developed for any myriad of possible reasons. I honestly don't really like myself. I mean, I don't hate myself by any means, but I don't like myself either. But, I know that people see things in me that they like, and that's enough for me. I know it's a crappy source of validation, but hey, it's what works for me. But I'm just so scared that I'm not going to be enough. I'm scared that I'm not going to be enough for my kids, and I'm almost positive that I won't be enough for my husband. He swears that I am, and I don't doubt him, but I do doubt my own abilities. Honestly, I think I'll probably feel that way forever. I want to be enough so badly, but I don't think I will be. Don't get me wrong, I know that everyone on Earth has an inherent value as a baseline, and I know that applies to me too, but I don't think I'm enough beyond that. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like somehow I'm going to fall short in some way. I know for a fact that I fall short as a daughter. I don't know. I just worry. I want to be a good mom someday. I want to be a good grandma too, eventually. But I also don't want people to make a big fuss about me when I'm old, or even when I'm gone. I don't want people to talk about how good or nice I am, because I'm no better than anyone else, and I don't want anyone ever saying otherwise.

I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good daughter. I want to be a good wife. I want to be good enough for everyone.

[faeriesinthedell]

I don't know if anyone posted about this before, but I only noticed this now (on my... 10th or so watch), djfkshkjshkjs, HELP, Lester, wtf, dfshjkfsjgjkfhsjk-

[Image Description: Both images are screenshots from the movie House of Wax (2005). They're close-ups of Lester Sinclair's truck - its back window, specifically. Screenshot 1 shows a sticker on said window that reads, "Take Your Ex Out Tonight. (One Bullet Ought To Do It)". Screenshot 2 shows two more stickers, but only the above one is readable, "HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF" in white capital letters. End ID]

[faeriesinthedell]

Someone in this town is hiding something.

SHARP OBJECTS (2018) 1.04 — Ripe

[faeriesinthedell]

I’ve waited for this for so long. For you to need me. 

[faeriesinthedell]

We don’t have a lot of happy stories around here.

SHARP OBJECTS (2018)

1.05 — Closer

[faeriesinthedell]

I wish I could say that this is true, but it's not. I'll water myself down until there's nothing left.

[faeriesinthedell]

judianne grace

[faeriesinthedell]

so i’ve been noticing that people have been reblogging and leaving notes in tags of my post about my mom....so thanks for that..I guess??? I mean I’m glad it’s been cathartic for other people and validating for them, but also it feels really weird for me to thank people for interacting with a post where I talk to myself about my mother and the anxieties and fears and issues that come up in our relationship.

Anyways, I’m glad it’s been cathartic for you all to read, because it was cathartic to write. I might write some more soon, idk. It’s all anonymous but I keep thinking “crap what if she sees it somehow and knows I wrote it and then thinks that I hate her??!!” Long story short, she already thinks that I hate her due to our past arguments and our disagreements. Like I said in my other post, I only fight with her, so......I just don’t want to put the final nail in the coffin and make her think that I  hate her 100% or something.

Today I actually upset her again because we were discussing something and I asked what she wanted me to do (because I was helping her and I knew what she wanted done, but I didn’t know HOW she wanted it done) and she told me and then proceeded to explain in detail about how that specific method works and why it’s done, and I made the mistake of not keeping my mouth shut (aka I said “I know. I know how *insert method here* works). I wasn’t trying to be “smart” or start a fight, but it’s just that she ALWAYS tries to “teach” me how or why things are done, and I can’t say or act like I already know about it or else that apparently comes off as me having an attitude. Literally anything I do, she has to “explain” it in detail to me, even about stuff that she knows that I know. I know I should be more patient but it’s just constant and I don’t need a lesson on how to do things that I already know how to do.

For reference, she insisted that my dad show me how to plunge a toilet, because apparently she assume that I don’t know how to do anything that she or my dad hasn’t directly taught me. Also, I’m 21....so I do know how to plunge a toilet and have know for many, many years. In her defense, i guess she’s thinking of it through the lens of “well we haven’t shown her how to do xyz”...which is true, but also I do teach myself things and I do actively try to learn new skills, but I don’t go and tell my parents every 5 seconds “hey, fyi I now know how to do *insert mundane skill here*.”

Anyways, I finished helping her and when I left the room I could hear my parents whispering and I’m pretty sure it was about me. I don’t have proof, but my mom tends to complain to my dad about me, and he later relays the messages to me so that I have a gauge on how my mom is feeling, because she denies her feelings around me and refuses to admit when she’s upset/hurt/etc.

[faeriesinthedell]

I gave up after detailing him but I think that adds some flavour to it

[faeriesinthedell]

reading the house of wax script and it’s shockingly interesting :3 here r the little things i’ve noticed as i read it <3 here’s part 2

wade is 22, carly is 21, paige is 20, nick and dalton are 19, and blake is ‘early twenties.’

carly doesn’t have the job at the magazine yet but is hopeful. wade is Mean about it. the script says “with a slightly biting tone — wade: she doesn’t have the job yet”

wade has a muscle car and is all about it, he gets mad at carly for putting her feet on the dash ( “….placing her feet on the dash — immediately gets an annoyed look from wade — she knows better”)

wade is generally more antagonistic towards nick (not undeserved tbh) especially when it comes to his car. after hitting a buck, nick is drinking a beer but wade will not let him him the car with it and he chugs it and tosses it on the side of the road

paige calls dalton “cute in a dirty, skinny, sort of way” 🤭

paige was fully planning on marrying blake :,) his parents bought some land and were going to build him a house and paige was just waiting for him to pop the wuestion

carly and wade we’re having MAJOR issues with her taking the job at the magazine and it’s very evident in how they talk to one another and interact

carly and nicks relationship is also interesting. def still as angsty sibling rivalry that is in the movie but instead of stealing a car, nick had a party at their parents house and trashed it and was forced to go on the trip with them. carly is also VERY vocal about her dislike of nick and him coming (“i know you don’t want to be here but guess what — no one wants you here either. so — quit being such an asshole and for once, try to make the most of something”)

nick doesn’t want carly to leave :( she said “i hope to hell i get that job” (which is interesting because in the movie they confirm she got that internship) and he goes “that makes two of us” but immediately the script says “although he says it, we’re not sure he means it” :((

they party at their little campsite and they have paige give blake a shot from her tits LMFAO

vincent cuts the fanbelt <3 love my king

THE PIT

talking about the scene where lester slowly slides his hand across the mannequins (which btw. was sexy. moving on) and it says “touches it like it’s a relic — infatuated” heheh <3333

carly had a tank top under her shirt so there was no weirdo perv lester scene of him trying to see her put on nicks tank

nick does give carly his shirt regardless and she’s genuinely shocked and he’s like “i have another in the car” bc we all know he’s emotionally constipated

Ambrose is called Athelston

They’re not in Louisiana either </3

lester says “i was always warned to never pick up strangers, but you two seem okay”

THIS SCENEEEEEE

lester has so much dialogue we were robbed yall. i’m serious.

carly calls lester a freak of nature 👎👎

this <3

i love the description of the wax house and how it’s in disarray

The story is different from the movie. Their house burned down and their dad died in the fire and trudy killed herself after and the boys went to foster care.

sorry this is sooooo sexy of him

carly fights like HELL in this script yall! so does wade, but ESPECIALLY carly, she cuts bo’s hand with a hacksaw

there’s a cool scene where carly runs into the community pool and it’s completely abandoned but the noises were from a pair of speakers

bo being cunty

dalton and bo talking

they gave dalton a LOT more time in the movie in the script!!! bo bring him to the house of wax and leaves and he finds wade in the basement :0

paige’s fight with vincent takes place at an old mining town nearby which is such a cool setting yall, they fight in a ban and he kills her with a pitchfork

i’m:((((

[faeriesinthedell]

ambrose, louisiana.