failing-at-every-thing

[failing-at-every-thing]

So, I realized that my mental health updates on my social media pages were becoming kinda frequent, so I'm moving my check-in posts here to tumblr! I am planning out a project for this week so my brain is LOADED with info, and I needed an outlet where I could record how it's going without spamming my entire support system every day. I'm really stoked to start filling up this page and showing off progress to yall!

[failing-at-every-thing]

Mental health update #1005729 Cw: MI, meds, emotional instability So, I'm doing much better after just one day of switching the manufacturer for my medication. Last month I was given a generic brand that I hadn't tried before and it was a disaster. Not only was I dealing with physical side effects from it, I had been trying to deal with mental ones without even knowing what caused them. I know how outlandish it sounds, but I'm 100% sure that the last bottle had no effect on my symptoms. In fact, I'd say it may have made them worse. I was definitely less functional, less productive, and worse at emotional regulation than I had ever been in my life. I was taking my medication so I knew that I should have been fine, but I honestly thought that my decreased function was my own fault and that isn't a great path to go down. It took me SIX DAYS to get the energy and focus needed to refill the RX, and that's definitely not typical for me. Most days I have slept in until 5pm because I couldn't even move prior to then. After my refill got sorted out, I got home, relaxed, and popped my dose. No lie, I was back to my old self instantly! I felt clear thinking come back, I was able to call the kids without hyping myself up all day, I even took a walk! When I finally hit my normal medicated functioning level, I realized how long it had been since I was there and saw how horrible my health had been. I spent a whole month with full-blown ADHD symptoms, plus the depression, anxiety, and hopelessness that those symptoms bring. I didn't even know what was going on, I just knew that I was starting to fail again and I was sure it was my fault. So, ladies and gentlemen, here's the lesson: Don't power through. I tried to, and when I failed, I was so ready to blame myself. This month was the least healthy I have ever been, and when your mental health ain't great, you can't always tell why. I thought I was lazy, inconsiderate, rude, worthless, but in reality my medication was messing with me hardcore. If I had reported these symptoms that showed up gradually to my doctor, he could have helped me through it and I wouldn't have wasted a month of my life. Instead, I went against my own advice and tried to will myself to be better and we all know that doesn't work. Hopefully now that I'm functioning again, you'll be seeing all the great half-finished projects from the past 30 days get completed!

[failing-at-every-thing]

Mental Illness Update: I’m not in a fantastic place. Turning 26 means I lose my insurance and my meds and appointments will be more than I can afford by a long shot, so I’ve got a week and a half left of stability. It’s really scary and I’m horribly depressed over it. I’ve only had long enough in treatment to fully understand what I’ll be missing without it. I’ll be messy again, I’ll be lethargic, I’ll lose my ability to communicate and finish tasks. Even just moving over to a different generic brand has had drastic effects on my life, so I’m rightfully concerned about what’s ahead of me. Right now I should be in bed, but I can’t stop thinking about losing my ability to spend quality time with my kids. My medication makes me thoroughly enjoy our time together, instead of being instantly drained so much that I can’t move after five minutes together. The first time that I have EVER felt like a good parent was in the past six months. I actually was engaged in what they were doing and saying, I could read them books, I actually had conversations longer than 30 seconds without losing focus! I know I’m not the world’s best mom even now, but I am able to function and I don’t want to lose that. Basically, I’ll need a lot of support in the next month or so. I’m literally going to be losing control of my mind.

[failing-at-every-thing]

I’ve been trying to make a mental health update post for like a week now. I keep writing one out and then ditching it so here’s the basics: I’m in a really draining phase of treatment, basically my brain decided on it’s own that it’s healthy enough now to actually start emotionally processing traumatic events from 2008-2014 that I’ve put off dealing with, but like all of the events at once, and without me actually wanting to take that on right now. But you know, might as well go with it! I’m safe, supported, and loved so this is not beyond my ability, just way outside my comfort zone. I’ll give some more insight on it once I’m back up again, just send out some good vibes!!

[failing-at-every-thing]

Meds update!: Me and my doc play a lot of email tag, so the time between my adderall running out and having a great new dosage filled was almost a week. I struggled to function on most days, I did not have any of the focus needed to use my planner or communicate well, and I was experiencing some withdrawal symptoms without my meds. I quit doing updates and didn’t reach out to talk to anyone since these things really made my depression take over hard. Sorry to all my friends/family I’ve ghosted on this week, I was not taking the sudden change back to my typical symptoms very well. Medication wise, I have only taken the new dosage on workdays so far, and with clear-cut tasks and structure, I really blossom on this dosage. Treatment hasn’t removed the wall in front of me, but it did give me a ladder and I am climbing it well! HOWEVER!!! Like I said, I did lose my footing this past week, and once I got my ladder back, I totally forgot to ACTUALLY CLIMB IT. I had my first dosage *ever* yesterday where I would be completely unsupervised/unscheduled for several hours immediately after taking ADHD meds. In my whole 25 years of life, I have NEVER been alone while they work their magic. I did not anticipate AT ALL what would happen when my brain is driving at 100mph, but there’s no road and no map. 🌻Story Time🌻 I made a loose schedule/list of tasks before Dan went to work. I only had the alarms on my phone and the list as my structure. This was my day. Expectation: When dan leaves at 3-4 ish after picking me up from work, remember to take meds. Reality: Dan goes in at 5, this has always been the case, I do not know why I would ever think otherwise. Lose track of time and take them at 5. Expectation: Make to do list after taking meds. Reality: This actually happened! Great start, but definitely not the best method for me in hindsight. Expectation: At 6pm, write a short email to a printing company about having some work checklists printed. Easy and short task to get momentum, high payoff. Reality: At 6pm, write the first draft of this email in ten-ish minutes. Be aware of my tendency to forget things, proofread it. Expectation: At 7pm, walk to the gas station for quarters to do laundry. And a snack. Reality: At 7pm, I realize the email is way too long, tedious, and rambling to subject any stranger to it. I can’t send it like this. Condense the info. When the alarm goes off to leave, I ignore it. Expectation: At 7:30, put laundry in. Reality: 7:30, I’m still reducing down my email, but realizing I should pull myself away. Ignore alarm because no quarters. Text a few people to make plans and check in on em, check my notifications, relax. I’ll finish the email by 8 probably. Expectation: 8pm, take a shower and eat. Reality: 8pm, back to the email! Ignore the alarm, I don’t even read what it’s for, I’ll get it done eventually. I should note that I love sitting on the balcony and have been here since 5. I am getting a lil chilly. Expectation: 9pm, watch some wholesome How It’s Made while wrapping birthday gifts. Reality: 9pm, almost done with condensing! Just a few more tweaks and it’s professional, courteous, and easy to read. Expectation: 10pm, fold laundry and continue relaxing. I’ve been working super hard this month and I deserve a peaceful night. Reality: 10pm, alarm goes off for laundry folding. I have no laundry to fold and the gas station is closed. Just finish editing the email, OK BUDDY Expectation: 11pm, make sure all scissors, knives, delicate things, meds, etc. are put away safely since Lydia will be sleeping over soon. Reality: 11pm, absolutely freezing and I go inside to use the lil girls room. So many things have been ignored at this point, so I just ignore this alarm too. Being overwhelmed makes me buckle down to get it sent out. Expectation: 11:30pm, sleepy routine! Cup of sleepy time, unisom possibly, and blankie time- the best time. No more alarms. Play an app and be asleep around 12. 😴 Reality: 11:30pm- still in bathroom. I did stand up but I haven’t moved past hand washing, even the door is still closed. Doing the ACTUAL last proofread, and finally satisfied. Send. Task #1 ✅ Expectation: 12am, be asleep. Reality: 12am, go over list. Prioritize birthday present wrapping to start somewhere easy. Expectation: 1am, be asleep. Reality: 1am, I have finally found most of the presents and can begin. I lose things a lot and everything had also arrived while I was unmediated. Expectation: 2am, be asleep. Reality: 2am, Dan is home. Stop wrapping and tell him about my day. Expectation: 3am, be asleep. Reality: 3am, everything is really basically wrapped but I love putting effort and love into wrapping. Write little cute and fun cards! Make Dan’s weird! Make my grandma’s funny! Make my cousin’s super cute! Put some effort into really cute decorations for the boxes to make their days *extra* special! Task #2 ✅ Expectation: 5am, be asleep. Reality: 5am, Dan’s playing a video game quietly while I clean up the paper and ribbon mess. He looks over and says “oh no, it’s like 5am” Expectation: 6am, have SIX hours of sleep in and be still sleeping. Reality: 6am, realize I forgot to eat all day, exhausted so I have sleep for dinner. Now, looking back, this was insane. None of the tasks were hard, time-consuming, or boring, it was just so simple to get lost when I wasn’t with anyone to take me away from it and I was using phone alerts as my only system. Today I’m looking into healthy adderall-friendly ADHD coping methods for structuring my time and tasks! I have seen so many great things happen through my structured and supervised areas of life, so I know once I find my ground in independently organized areas, I can avoid some of the less productive behavior patterns that really came out in full force last night. The sometimes inconvenient effects of adderall are like evil superpowers that can be transformed and channelled and used for good. I’m hoping that I can find a great method to apply soon that can help me direct and control the focus I have while alone and medicated, because it has absolutely had a positive impact on so many other areas of my life. For so many years, my only goal was just to get by and hopefully one day begin treatment for depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I am so happy that my goal now is to gain even more independence and fully utilize my functioning hours. If anyone has suggestions/ideas for me or resources you can direct me towards, they are so valuable and appreciated! Thanks also to everyone who is reaching out asking about how I’m doing and even just reading these! I was told by a few nameless people that these updates made them feel less alone or that they learned something new about treating mental illness, and that really gives me the warm fuzzies. I’ll keep it up and keep moving up! 🖤🖤

[failing-at-every-thing]

Day 3 of meds update: I didn’t want to waste my meds on a double dose before work and (with my dr. pre-approving it), I skipped one dose today out of two. Grocery shopping was great and productive, my day started off well, positive mood, took care of myself, started my makeup for work. By the time I had primer/foundation/powder going, the meds wore off completely. Coming down was not so much of a bummer, but I picked up my phone and got on the ulta app because I’m out of primer. I never finished my makeup. Two hours later, I had researched all primers, foundations, concealers, and setting sprays that ulta carries. ALL OF THEM. That is not an exaggeration, i literally ran out of options. I then picked the most cost-effective, worth the money items and put them in my cart, but then I was $.03 away from free shipping. ANOTHER hour later I had finally perfected my cart to have slightly better items and free shipping and a good coupon applied and bought it because getting myself something /was/ on my schedule this week! I ended up showing up to work with two minutes to spare because my hyper-focus and impulsive tendencies completely took over and I really just forgot exactly how much effort goes into fighting those. Work still went good for a while, but a couple hours in I started to have a panic attack. My jaw was clenched the rest of the day, my chest was hurting, I was starting to breathe heavy, but I made it through. And I ate a lot of food because I was finally starving! The stress of my normal symptoms are really easy to forget about when they aren’t right in front of me. I think I’ll save the days off meds for my days off work, so I can just eat and relax. Negatives: -Panic attack! Definitely makes the top of the list. -Hyper-focusing was HORRIBLE, I didn’t even realize so much time had gone by and it stressed me out a lot when I realized I had no more time before work. -Impulsive makeup buying was also not great, I told myself I’d go swatch a few different foundations to get one that is good for my skin, and I did not do that at all. -I barely slept again last night so I was worn down by 5:00, when I went into work. Positives: -Grocery shopping was so easy! I didn’t really need my list and I actually bought food for myself. -I used my med time wisely and was able to make a couple loose plans and I continued to talk to my family. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but talking to my family has been super hard over the last few months and would give me panic attacks afterwards sometimes. I have a great family so I’m not sure why I had so much anxiety about it, but I am definitely seeing a positive difference in the way I interact with people! -I ate a full meal today and the first half of work was actually pretty alright! -I got some self-care in before I zoned out, and I did set aside time and money for something that is good for my soul. -I’m tired as hell now and I should be able to get a good night’s sleep in! Thanks again for everyone’s continued support and making this part of my life as easy as possible. 

[failing-at-every-thing]

Second day meds update (extremely long and boring wall of text): Work went so well, it was the most calm and peaceful day of work I’ve ever had. I didn’t sleep well last night (not surprising) so I was still a little tired, but I made it through my whole shift with ZERO CAFFEINE. People close to me know I’m usually only fully functioning after at least half a pot of coffee and about four hours, but today I woke up with extreme difficulty as usual, ate something and medicated, and I was fully functioning and not anxiety ridden by 10am. It’s also worth noting that I was able to wake up by NINE. Food was a little bit of a struggle for me in that I’m not hungry at all and everything looks unappealing. I still got in a full meal and snacks, along with 7000 gallons of water though! Everyone’s suggestions were super helpful and I’ll be grocery shopping tomorrow for as much high-calorie, nutrient-rich snack food as I can find, and someone also messaged me about taking flintstones vitamins a couple times a day to balance out the things I’m missing if I’m only hitting a couple food groups a day. I hate crashing, but my crash today is still better than most days without my meds. I can definitely tell that it has worn off when it does, I instantly lose my entire thought process and start losing things right away, I’ve noticed that I get my teeth grinding and jaw clenching back about a half an hour before the dose is up, and I start to stutter over words again. The stutter is actually getting very bad when I come down, it’s like my mouth gets used to not having to deal with it, and it doesn’t know what to do when I start needing to focus on speech. Even though that is a bit of a bummer, I am totally willing to deal with that if it means that I can have a few hours of peace in my own mind. Negatives for today: -no appetite -coming down sucks ): -a touch of insomnia -a sprinkle of dry mouth -headache Positives!: -Able to wake up in the morning -Anxiety is at a really good level for me -It’s so much easier to initiate and continue conversations with my friends and family. -I don’t “pocket check” for things I have on my person as much, I know where most stuff is all the time -My emotions are at a solid level where I can appreciate and enjoy a good (or bad) moment for what it is without a constant feeling of tension and anxiety. -I am more productive by far than I have been for years. -No jaw clenching or fidgeting when I’m medicated, sadly though my jaw is clenched while writing this. -Interrupting people on accident is at an all-time-low, I am able to process the information being told to me *and* keep my own thought to say in response at the same time, without fear of my brain auto-deleting it. -Executive functioning skills are crawling back in, prioritizing and remembering tasks like taking a shower, brushing my teeth, closing a cabinet after opening it, and taking off my shoes/jacket when I come home have always been impossible for me, I didn’t understand how people remembered to do 1000 tiny things in a day, but it’s really just that I don’t have the extra brainpower when I’m also thinking and panicking about yesterday, today, tomorrow, and Anderson Cooper all at the same time. -Most of all, the best side effect is that I not only have lost my sense of anxiety and dread at the end of the day, I’m looking forward to waking up in the morning to have another great day. I usually have about 10 things on my planner on any day, 99% of which are undone with a note as to why. Things like “call the kids” were scratched out a week ago with (for example) “it’s annoying for mom, can’t do it” when that’s not even true. Today and yesterday I scratched off all but one thing (which was buying something nice for myself) because they were COMPLETED!! ** I know my meds/MI posts are a little TMI that you didn’t ask for, but if I would have seen someone publicly go through the details of their experience with adderall a few years ago, I would have been in a completely different place in life today. It also helps a lot to keep track of my experience so I can stay confident that this is the best route for me. I won’t be offended by anyone unfollowing me, I know seeing a wall of text on your Facebook isn’t that fun, but if I can put my experience out there and help to normalize the process of medicating for mental illness, it’s worth anyone getting annoyed with my novels. Also, thanks to everyone who has been supportive of me, especially in the past few months and years, you are all responsible for me being able to live a better life.

[failing-at-every-thing]

Update on meds: I’m an hour and a half in and adderall is changing my life. I just had an hour long conversation with dan and at no point did I lose my own thoughts because I had to wait for him to talk and I was only rambling and cutting him off minimally. I feel so much calmer and happier being able to get a grip on organizing my own thoughts and I’ve even gotten some executive function back. I’m not tired like I usually am on ADHD meds or zoning out, I don’t feel the need to eat out of boredom, the list goes on. Two best parts so far: I’m feeling my hyper-focusing tapering off and my anxiety is super low because I’m not scared that I’m being annoying or forgetting anything. This is the best my general mindset has been in probably 10 years since I was on vyvanse and I’m absolutely ecstatic for what a drug that so many people put down is going to end up doing for my life.