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[fairy-strawberry]

[fairy-strawberry]

Nostalgia and anxiety

Waves of nostalgia have been flooding over me. I have been sick, overwhelmed from work and anxious about so much in my life. I often find myself playing limbo between a state of anxiety and depression. I feel like I can't get a single day off from the mental torment of my eating disorder. I have been in and out of a sort of recovery for a year now. I have been really struggling. I dont know ho wim suppoused to do it. I cant stop over eating and wishing i was thin. I want to be loved and held so fucking bad. All I want is to feel safe. I want to be small and thin. I want to look ill and seem as though I were neglectful of my apperance. I hate that Im so obsessed with how I look. I hate that im so obsessed with how others precieve me. Its ood but in a way i want my eating disorder to help with my image as a artist. I feel so anxious about creatinhg. Like I dont have thjis motivation of pressure on me. but all I want is to go crazy and make art. I just want to make work that I enjoy and interest me. Im not sure how to craete work that digs deeper. i dont know what topics i want to cover, I have a style in mind but i feel like i dont have the re3sources to create the work I really want to make. Unfortunately I feel that my appearance is one way i can easily express my creativity. I dont know how to be interesting. I hate that I let so much of my time be consumed by shitty entertainment, thoughts of my body and food, and my anxiety. Im worried i am boring. All I want is to be held and loved. All I want is to be seen by someone I love. I so despreately want to be loved. I really like N i hope he likes me too. Everything relationshippy has been so complicated for me. nothing has felt light and easy. I think deep down Im scared I am unloveable. I want nothing more to be present. to enjoy and appreciate what i am currently experiencing. Yet the memorieis haave such a choke hold on me. I just want to be alive in the 90s, in the early 2000s, in the 2010s, in 6 months ago. its so silly, i so heavly romantise the past and look exclusively through rose coloured glasses. I miss the smeel of the weird apartment J rented in november. I miss the winter, then i miss the summer. I feel like im never just content in the current moment, everythings better when i look back, when i look back i can forget the shit part of it. I was still depressed and anxious. I still had an eating disorder. I dont know how to live in the moment. I really struggle with it. Like no matter how many ways productivity bros can tell me how to be in the moment i always seen to be thinking of the past or the future. I romantsie what will happen just as much as i do the past. I worry im clingy. i worry i scare ppl. but i try so hard to be the cool girl. one of the guys. Idk who I am. i dontr know who i am! i feel like i am always changing myslef from person to person i meet. I am constantly adapting myslef for the other. Im so over it I want to learn who i am. I want to be myslef. I dont wnat to feel insecure anymore. Im so tired of feeling drainded after I hang out with people, but immedietly wishing I was out with some one else. I want to know who I am so i feel comfortable alone and with others.

[fairy-strawberry]

[fairy-strawberry]

“I’m not everything I want to be but I’m more than I was, and I’m still learning”

— Charlotte Erikkson

[fairy-strawberry]

some people are worth losing and some situations are not meant to be fixed.

[fairy-strawberry]

@mkvx

[fairy-strawberry]

“Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish it.”

— Allcupation

[fairy-strawberry]

I’m trying to heal without disturbing anyone.

[fairy-strawberry]

Grimes for Sup Magazine (2012)

Photographed by Jody Rogac

[fairy-strawberry]

today

today I worked. I have been thinking of N. Of dancing with him. I miss him yet I barely know him. He is kind, interesting, fun. i wish he were here. I think I experience feelings of exxcitement and love too easily. Does he feel the same about me? I feel betrayed in the past, yet I know I am no better. I am terrible at responding to texts of ppl I no longer am interested by, who I no longer want to hang out with. people im board of. I have been goasted a lot or maybe not goasted but responded to days later. Are they uniterested in me? I feel used by J. He wanted me because I was ignoring him. I had no interest in him really. He was in a relationship. I was excited by No, we were cuddling and flirting and he saw that I wasn't interested in him like everyone else was. But I was horney and he was horney, we were drunk and he gave me the affection I desired that noght. he made me feel loved, in reflection he wanted his girlfriend. he wanted the woman he told me he broke up with. He shaved my head that night, she had a shaved head, we look pretty similar too.... He didn't want me he wanted her and I was close enough for that drunk and coked up night. But once we fucked the illusion was over for him. I was used and thrown away. he ignored my texted or took weeks to reply, once a friend now a distant person in my past. Was I at fault. if I had played my cards different would we have seen each other longer. Was I clingy? Annoying, desprate? Probably, but im not sure if anything would have been different if i hadn't been. if I had been more callous i honestly think it would have ended the same. He told me they were broken up. I feel embarced for how I acted, but its in the past. Clearly he isn't a great person, he is insecure and agressive. I find him quite unattractive yetr I still look back at our moments together longingly. There is someone new now. N i really like him. He is so sweet but im scared the same will happen. am I undesirable? I hate that I feel insecure. that I allow my self worth to be dependant on a mans opinion of me. I would like to feel differently. I would like to feel more confident in myself isolated from others opinions. Its a work in progress. I think all of my experiences have been good ones. Have helped my reflect on myself. On waht causes my insecurity, on way i desire what I desire. However acknowledging my thoughts only helps so much. Im not sure what my next steps would be. i guess implemnting what i know. what I have learned. In my goal of fueling myself withlove and trying to treate myself in order to feel my best will help. Its a long journey. I see my mom, 50, she is one of the most insecure humans I have ever met. I love her so much and see so much beauty and kindness in her but she is trapped in here negative way of thinking. I dont want to end up like that. I want to become who I admire. I want to become a confidentr, indepentant, loving, strong, beautiful woman. i want to become and embrace my self whoe heartedly. I want to embody what my mother couldnt for me. I want to show my younger self that I have so much to be excited and happy and confident about. I am so excited to grow. I say that alot and think I struggle to embody that. Im not exactly sure what could help me in that? i think one way is setting boundries for myself and for others around me. for expressing how Im feeling. insteaded of feeling over stimulated and enduring and feeling grumpy and anxious, I will express my feelings. Instead of feeling triggered and shutting down or being angry, I will express that feeling. As for things that will help me grow daily I think my habit of journaling and writing poems will help. Through journalling I have realised so much. I think its funny that I have been journaling and posting it on the internet. I feel generally annonomous. And really noone is reading my entries, but posting them out into the world makes me feel more seen even if no one does see them. I am posted it. it is not just in my little journal which will never be read by anyone except myself.

[fairy-strawberry]

A poem unfinished

In pursuit of pleasure

My brain, searching for a chemical hit, To drown out the anxiety and sadness which live in my body, the pit in my stomach, I binge, so desperate for satisfaction, tainted and propelled by my desire to be thin, a rebellious fit is thrown, Restriction is not an option, rather, total indulgence, An attempt to restrain only forces every cell in my body to revolt, consume, consume, consume In pain now, the temporary relief of anxiety dissipated, A new urge to fill the whole arises, So eager to feel safe, to feel calm, Now I violate myself, my brains pursuit for pleasure doesn't stop at a feast, now I must cum, As the hit of chemicals wanes, my brain's urge heightens. A cigarette. All is calm. The battle between guilt and pleasure roars, An overfilled stomach is an ever-so-painful and familiar feeling. My body pulses, my heart races, the pursuit of pleasure leaves me feeling emptier than before, my brain's defiance of my restriction wins.

[fairy-strawberry]

journal entry

I finally cleaned up my apartment with the help of my good friend. Additionanlly I got grocieries yesterday, healthy for the most part. I am feeling really bloated today but generally feeling pretty good. I really want to focus on makeing myself healthier. I want to feel my best. i no longer want to to be sickly thin and sad. I wish to move on from this era. I think i am less creative, less productive, and feel so so much more anxiety. I think a really big goal of mine is to work on my anxiety I have around food, people, weight gain, my inteligence, and being a true artist. I think I have a lot of hesitation or wish to fit in still. I want to fit in woith th eother art students. I want to fit in with their aesthetics. I dont want to take away from fun, I think fun is extremely improtant and Im fine with drinking and doing drugs occasionally, but I would really like to treate my mind and body better. I am going to get down to three cigerettes per day. I want to focus on reducing my anxiety and depresssion. I want to take care of myself. eat well, do yoga, lessen my phone time, reflect internally and spread love and openess. I cary a lot of tension in my body which I wish to let go of. Im not saying I need to change myslef in any way but rather imbrass who I really am. I want to make it a goal to find interesting things to research, to reflect on my self and behaviour, meditate and slow my rushing thoughts, practice yoga daily to feel mor ecomfortable in my body. not woith what it looks like but true comfort and ease with using my body and muscles. i hold a lot of space in my life for others for people who I wish to impresses, people who may take advantage. I want to make it a goal of mine to let go of the stories i tell myself about others and what they think of me. I want to grow and develope as a person to stop caring what others think of me. I want to start oppourating more on and intertnal gudgment rather than external. I want to be confident in who I am and feel comfortable in my body and mind. I want to explore and learn. I want to embrass my curiousity and learn to love the feeling of not knowing but wanting to understand or get it. I want to diminish my infiriority complex to feel more comfortable being in the wrong, making mistakes, learning, and haveing fun. I want to prioritise mind expansion over everything. I want to using my brain and all that it has to offer more fully and explore my potential. I believe in myself, and I know that how i spend my time on my phone leaves me feeling headachey and sad. I feel unmotivated and uninspired. I want to be challenging myself daily to grow and utilise my brains compacity. I feel that I have so much love to give share and express and I want to start activly doing so. start showung love and care. I want to feel at peace with my body. I want my body not to occupy more that good thoughts. I have no use for negative self hating disordered thoughts. I have no use with spending my presious limited time as a human worried and thinking about what I dont like about my body, what i wish i could change. i want to instread express myt utmost gratitude to my body for allowing my to do so so much. For allowing my to move and learn, and create, to partake in a sport I loved so much, to hike mountains and swim in lakes. To do handstands, to eat and taste yummy food, to orgasm and feel plesure by myslef and with others. I wanyt to show so much love to a m=body which really has been nothing but lovely to me. i want to say sorry to my body which I have abused to much. I want to pled for furgiveness and express my gratitude. Thank you body, mind, and soal, i hope i can nurture you and help you grow, love, and create.

[fairy-strawberry]

apartment essentials

bathroom needs

toilet paper

toothpaste

q-tips

body cream

conditioner

hair bands

cleaning supplies

paper towels

fantasitic

scrubbers

dish soap

garbage bags

recyling box

kitchen needs

new pan and pot

spatula

wood spoon and cutting board

groceries

frozen fruit

tofu

potatoes

carrots

apples

bananas

kale

spinach

avocadoes

lentils

chickpeas

sweet potatoes

zuccini

muchrooms

mint

basil

tomatoes

chia

oats

peanut butter

rice

[fairy-strawberry]

life in montreal

I have lived in montreal for a year now. I have grown tremendously in this time. It feels hard to proccess at time everything ive been through. I have experienced a lot of ups and downs. I have been exposed to so many things I had dreamed of as a teenager, good and bad. I still feel imposter syndrom of calling myself an adult, an artist. I feel a bit isolated, like im not quite in touch with all of the refrences folks my age make but on the other end not in old enough to understand the refrences my older friends make. i know and have met so many people but I struggle to call most of them my friends. I have a few really close friends and have lost a few due to fsiled romance too. For the most part I feel happy and excited for my life but i have also been experiencing a lot of depression and anxiety, in different ways to what i have experienced in the past. my eting disorder is stil almost a daily struggle for me, however i finally have gotten help from my therapist, not that that has actually improved my mental wellbeing :-( Unfortunately my weight has fluctuated a lot through out this year. Overall I have gained around 15 pounds. It does make me feel a bit insecure. I struggle with comparison a lot. i am a very tall woman and I feel as though I take up too much space. being thin helped me feel small, but now I think I take up even more space. I have a strong desire to feel held and protected my men but me being taller than most of them causes a lot of anxiety and feelings of loneliness. I worry i wont be attractive. I hate that I have these feelings. Its so shallow, why do i base my confidence off of mens approval? The thing is i am also attracted to women or fem bodies, but I am finding it hard to explore my sexuality at the moment due to this need of approval and wanting to feel small with men. I feel a bit out of controll in my life. I worry that I am not smart or that I am not well read enough. am i boring? I think my eating disorder has taken away so much of the time I could have spent expanding my mind and consuming interesting content. My depression has left me feeling unmotivated to learn, to create. I live in such a wonderful city yet I feel out of place, un grounded. I come from a much more nature base city, closer to the ocean, mountains, forest, it was easy to escape the fast pace city life style, but here the city lifestyle feels all consuming. in many ways I am living my dream. i think i would ake my younger self proud, but I cant help but feel lost. I feel overwhelmed by all that I need to do or could be doing. I have not been organising my life at all. Over all this past year has been quite lovely, met interesting people, many of my values have changed for what I would believe to be the better, i feel a lot more confident in my being and in genral am proud of my self for taking on this challenge. A big thing in my life in the past has been goal setting. I think setting goals has been a really useful technique for me to feel motivated, on track, and in control. I have been neglecting taking care of myself alot lately. I think in someways I have this idea that taking care of yourself is un cool or selfish or what have you. My visual aesthetics line up with an unkempt, untaken care of lifestyle, but emotinally it is draining. l would like to take better care of myself, put a bit more effort in learning, growing, and caring. I think this effort would be so valuable in improvinbg my mental health, in increasing my confidence and lessening my anxiety. So some goal which I wish to get to are:

keeping organised

eat healthier

gental workouts

practice selflove

daily journal poems

get into nature

-> daily routine for organisation, self love and mental health

wake up early

write out todo list

20 min yoga

get ready for day

work or fun

clean up

create

shower

fun

journal

get in nature

sleep early

-> weekly todos

get healthy groceries

properly clean

laundry- clothes and sheets

weekly schedualing

run

do a bit of decluttering

[fairy-strawberry]

ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ APRIL ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ fitness goals

- daily progress pictures

- eat 1600 cals a day consistently

- go to running club twice a week

- train after work on saturdays

- do yoga

[fairy-strawberry]

✨✨positive manifestation for me lol✨✨

I get so caught up in my hobbies I forget to eat

Food is never on my mind

I study and create constantly

I workout to feel my best

I take long walks to calm down and meditate in nature

I never think about food

I am interesting

I have a cute boyfriend

I am thin

I am so skinny but I don't even care because all I want to do is make art

I am productive

I am reliable

People love me

My parents love me

I am in art school

I live in a cool apartment

I live in Montreal or Halifax

[fairy-strawberry]