faithhopeloveandtherapy - Tumblr blog

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

We enjoyed a day trip across the water to Tallinn, Estonia today 🇪🇪 The old town is so pretty. We also did some shots of black pepper schnapps after lunch and that was… interesting. Wow 😳 it took us some time to recover.

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Last weekend we went to quite a special, unique place for parkrun. Much as I want to say where, I can’t because it would give away my anonymity, but it was a great experience. We’ve been home for two days and tomorrow we’re going away again. I’m a bit embarrassed at this point by how much travelling and holidaying were doing, but this is the last one for a while because we will put ourselves back on the list for a fostering placement in a couple of weeks. (This means we might get a placement the next day or might still be here three months later waiting.)

To be honest, we had our children young and we always said when they are grown, that will be our time to do our thing. So now here we are, they’re all adults - although sadly none of them are financially independent yet - but freedom is coming!

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I have just caught up on four days of tumblr posts, scrolling scrolling scrolling backwards to the last posts I read. Let no one doubt my commitment to the cause. Now I must get out of bed.

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Me, using PC: There’s nothing interesting on the big Internet.

Me, picking up phone: Let’s see what’s on the tiny Internet.

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"Shame dies when stories are told in safe places." - Unknown

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I’ve somehow ended up on a spokesperson committee. I did make them aware that I can’t actually talk to people in authority without crying, and they said that’s fine, I could do the non-speaking parts. But then we had a big big meeting this evening and the management people were so frustrating I did actually almost shout at them, definitely spoke quite forcefully. I had to drink two glasses of wine and do 30 minutes of yoga afterwards to calm down again.

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We had two little ones in placement for 24 hours over the weekend, just on support care. We have all the equipment etc so it’s not a big deal on that front, but today I have spent all morning trying to put it all away again! Every room in this house that I go into has got baby things set around - monitors, toys, changing bag, high chairs, car seats, bedding, more toys, books… I think I’ve just about got them all tidied and put away again now, although a few bath toys are still drying out, and the cot sheets are out on the washing line looking like they’re about to take off in the wind.

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This week T (new followers: T = ex-my therapist) is involved in an event. The people running the event are promoting it on Instagram. As a result, they posted a picture of T on their stories. She is standing in a really open posture and laughing. Honestly you look at her in that photo and you could walk right up to her and imagine her throwing her arms around you (well, me). I screenshotted the story. Of course I did. My body has a visceral response to the photo of her. She knows me more than anyone, she’s the container for all my stuff, and the young parts of me are very attached to her in a maternal transference way. I know she has a big life outside of me, she’s not even a therapist any more, and I know she has stuff going on in her own life that is really hard right now. She has even started her own Instagram account for this event, and I do look at it, at what’s public. I don’t want to even ask to follow her though. Part of me needs to keep that idealised view of her where I don’t see her everyday life. I will just stay over here, being ok with having that pull towards her that defies words, maintaining an occasional whatsapp exchange, and being ever so grateful for having had that seemingly rare experience of deep and meaningful transformative therapy that lasted 12 years but had a good, meaningful and well-managed ending that kept the whole therapy experience safely contained.

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*booking an mri* what if I accidentally have a pacemaker. what if I got secret bone surgery and forgot about the pins

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Back from our mini-break to Berlin 🇩🇪

Pics from the top: Brandenburg Gate, Reichstag building (the government building - we walked all the way to the top of that central glass dome on the roof), Victory Column, remnant of the Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie, Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe

On day 1, we took a 6 hour guided bike tour around the city, which was totally the best way to see all the major sites as Berlin is quite a spread out city. We were away with five of our friends and we all absolutely loved this. It gave us a great overview and our guide told us lots of the history too. The photos show some of the places we saw.

On day 2, we started early and went up the dome of the Reichstag building and learnt about its history. Then we went to the Stasi museum and then the Stasi prison. Wow, I learnt so so much about life in East Berlin under Soviet rule. All those spy gadgets you read about in James Bond actually existed here, hidden cameras in ties and bags, listening devices planted in walls of rooms, members of your own family could be informing on you. The prison tour was so moving, many of the guides had been inmates there until as recently as 1989 when the prison closed down (I find it absolutely mind blowing that all this happened so recently). When the wall came down and East and West Germany reunified, all the prison staff, psychiatrists and doctors were granted immunity from prosecution so they went on to continue practising therapy and medicine for the general population, even though they had been involved in performing extreme psychological torture in the prison interrogation rooms. There were at least as many interrogation rooms than there were cells, so that tells you what went on day and night in that prison. The guides asked that we didn’t share photos of the prison on social media as they don’t want it glorified in any way.

On day 3, we went to the Topography of Terror, where we learnt more about the Nazi party, how they came into power and brought in their ideologies. Then we had to head to the airport to catch our flight home.

Berlin is a really fascinating city with so much history that it doesn’t shy away from but lays out for everyone to learn from.

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A few days radio silence from me on tumblr because I’ve spent the weekend in London running the half marathon and seeing the sights.

H and the girls came too and were the best support squad I could have asked for, running around the course to keep finding new spots to cheer me on from. Every time I saw them, it gave me a little boost.

My finishing time was around 1hr 50 which I’m sooo pleased with. I kept up my pace all the way round, although the last 3 miles were really hard. I just wanted to stop and walk, but I made myself keep running.

I was in the top 5% of women finishers, which makes me so proud. I barely felt my knee pain as I was running (maybe bc I was topped up on pain relief before I set off!) but after I finished wow it stiffened up fast. 48 hrs of hobbling around and it’s on the mend now.

Sorry this is a total bragging rights post but I am proud of myself and my achievement! I also raised £1300 for the local charity that helped the Baby so much, and that also makes all the pain and effort worthwhile.

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

online communities are so strange because people slip away so easily. you can be on here for years, folding people you've never met into the fabric of your daily life, and then they disappear, leaving only ghost posts scattered across tumblr behind. or their blog stays dormant, for weeks, months, years, until you're only still following them because you remember that they love sunflowers or they were kind to you when they didn't have to be or the last thing they posted was sad and raw and you still worry about them sometimes.

and sometimes they come back when you least expect it, years later, even, and there's this sudden rush of relief like there you are, there you are, even though you barely knew each other.

there's a strange kind of love to it. i don't know you and i want to hold your hand across miles and time zones and oceans. i can still see the imprint of you in this community you left. you don't anyone will notice or care when you're gone, but we notice and we care and we wish you well.

i hope you're all okay out there. i hope the sun is shining on your face and you are breathing deeply. i miss you.

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

My nails are half marathon ready even if my knee is not! 3 days to go…

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Today I learnt that eight weeks ago, I should have taken the original insoles out of my running shoes before putting in my new fancy insoles. So I’ve been running all this time with double insoles! No wonder my feet felt squashed. And maybe this has contributed to my knee issues. Insole situation now resolved but I feel a bit stupid. But also hopeful that perhaps with a few more days rest my knee might make it through the half marathon after all, now it’ll have less stress on it.

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So it’s finally happened: T’s website has totally disappeared from the internet. She took the front page down about two years ago when she stopped taking new patients, but because I had the pages behind that on a tab on my iPad, I could still see them. I haven’t looked for sometime (maybe a couple of months) but last night I was mindlessly scrolling around on my iPad and clicked on them and there’s nothing there now.

I remember ages ago I made T promise to tell me when she took the whole website down. But I guess that was when we were still doing therapy. I can see it’s a bit more blurry now, plus she’s probably forgotten our discussion about it anyway. Maybe the website even took itself down automatically because T didn’t pay whatever you have to pay to keep a website domain (I don’t know about these things)

I don’t need to see her website the way I did for a while, but I’m still sad it’s gone.

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Above: I could pretend I’m somewhere tropical but actually I’m in Blackpool. Hospital appt with my mum, who doesn’t live near here either, but this is the nearest hospital that offers the surgery she needs.

Below: classic Blackpool seaside shot

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Random things I’ve bought in the online Easter sales today:

A printer

Two boxes of kids birthday cards from Pretty Post (stocking up as I get through A LOT)

A pair of running shoes

A swimsuit that may not fit but I can always hope