fake-ketchup-blog

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Making your dog pick up your shit for a change

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me as a pilot

me: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have an announcement to make but first you have to promise not to get mad

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the inside of your butt is warm enough to hardboil an egg

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do u ever just stick your leg in the air really high? just do it. right now. it will not disappoint

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“found the feminist lol” yeah im not hiding

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Tetris teaches you that when you try to fit in, you’ll disappear.

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me explaining underwear to aliens: we have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants

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me: *gets really sad and has an emotional breakdown*

me, ten minutes later: lmao that was so fuckin lame

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officer: license and registration

me: *hands officer a card*

officer: this is a get out of jail free card from the game of monopoly

me: yes

officer: you got lucky this time, have a good night

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horoscope: sometimes you be breathin

me:

me: okay but how did they know that?

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me: *says dog's name*

dog: *ignores me*

me: *repeats his name a million times until he looks up*

me: love you

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Jessie tells it like it is

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omgggg I’m dead someone made my niece into a meme she’s sooooo cute omg

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I want a sugar daddy but I know Nicki Minaj wants me to be independent