fakemichaelsheen

[fakemichaelsheen]

-1941-

crowley, shaking his head: I can't believe you made me shoot you

aziraphale, waves a hand: nonsense. you handled it superbly

crowley, shudders: still. I don't want to do that again anytime soon

aziraphale, smiling: oh I don't know. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve *leans closer* there is a rather challenging one involving a pair of handcuffs I wish to try, if you'd care to indulge me

crowley: ...

aziraphale, concerned: crowley? are you alright?

crowley, blinking: yeah. just give me a minute

[fakemichaelsheen]

-the bookshop-

aziraphale: ...

crowley: ...

crowley, sighs: are you going to tell me what this is about?

aziraphale, delicately: I overheard you. talking to nina. you were saying how...in love you are. with someone

crowley, swallows: oh...no. that's not-

aziraphale, smiles: I want to help you woo this person

crowley, panicking: no, really

aziraphale: your feelings are very strong, crowley. they must know

crowley, sweating: they don't feel the same way, angel. it's fine

aziraphale, waves a hand: nonsense. they're a fool. anyone would be lucky to have you

crowley, scoffs: oh, you really think that?

aziraphale, oblivious: yes, of course. I want you to be happy, crowley

crowley, sighs: fine. okay. what's your plan?

-later, nina's coffee shop-

crowley: ...

furfur: ...

furfur: no

crowley, watching aziraphale get coffees: I'm not thrilled about this either! I'm trying to get him off my back about something. just humour him, okay?

furfur: why would I do you any favours? what's in it for me?

crowley, annoyed: would you rather be down there?

furfur, thinking: fair enough

aziraphale, returning with the coffees: here we go. a black coffee, was it?

furfur, takes the coffee: thanks. by the way, it's you he's in love with *gestures the cup* I'll just take this to go *smiles smugly at crowley; snaps his fingers and disappears*

crowley: ...

crowley, red-faced: that's my...demon

aziraphale, amused: stop it

[fakemichaelsheen]

-give me coffee-

crowley: *angrily stirring his coffee*

aziraphale, arms folded: *looking away from crowley*

jesus, sitting between them, awkward: um, did crowley mention-

aziraphale: oh, it's first name terms, is it?

crowley: I don't have a surname, you idiot. what's he supposed to call me?

aziraphale: well, it doesn't matter to me. do what you please

crowley: don't worry. I will

jesus, fed up: oh for my sake, don't you see what's going on here?

crowley & aziraphale: ...

jesus: in case you haven't noticed, there's going to be a war. and this *gestures* is just going to have to wait. I didn't come back just to be your marriage counsellor

aziraphale, scoffs: we're not married

crowley, scowling: yeah and if we were, which we're not, I'd want a divorce

jesus to nina: yeah, could I have a glass of water? I'm gonna need something stronger than coffee

[fakemichaelsheen]

crowley: …

crowley: what does ineffable even mean?

aziraphale: it cannot be explained

crowley: oh. never mind then

aziraphale:

[fakemichaelsheen]

crowley, shaking a magic 8 ball: does aziraphale love me?

magic 8 ball: don’t count on it

crowley: *sighs* I knew it

aziraphale, next to him in bed, snaps his fingers: check again, dear

crowley: *looks at the ball*

magic 8 ball: ✨ ineffably✨

crowley, tearful: oh

[fakemichaelsheen]

crowley, texting: I'm leaving you

crowley, texting: with the dogs whilst I go out (not delivered!)

crowley: good luck

-a few hours later-

crowley, returns: hey, I-

aziraphale: *sobbing into a bowl of ice cream*

crowley: ...

[fakemichaelsheen]

-the south downs-

aziraphale: I'm sorry

crowley, amused: whatever it is, angel, I think it's pretty clear you're forgiven

aziraphale, sighs: yes but I didn't notice you were homeless. before. you were living in your car, crowley, and I just let it happen

crowley, shrugs: I never cared about that

aziraphale, takes his hands: yes, well, from now on you are my number one priority

crowley, grins: I think I can cope with that. as long as you don't mind coming second

aziraphale, raises an eyebrow: oh? and what is it that demands your so much of your attention?

crowley, kisses his hands: my garden

aziraphale, chuckles: if it means you'll be out in the sunshine getting sweaty and dirty, how could I possibly object?

crowley, happily: I thought not

[fakemichaelsheen]

-the ritz-

crowley, glances over at aziraphale: I saw you. telling off the demons in the bookshop

aziraphale, rolls his eyes: yes, well, someone had to. they were being very rude

crowley: yeah

crowley: ...

crowley, clears his throat: you could...do it more often

aziraphale, confused: um, okay. the next time a horde of angry demons invades my bookshop, I'll sort them out

crowley: no, I mean...take control

aziraphale: ...

crowley: whenever you want something. just...do it again

aziraphale: ...

crowley, sighs: I'm just saying you never speak to me like that

aziraphale, frowns: well, of coruse not. why would I?

crowley, deflated: never mind

aziraphale, thinking: do you want me-

crowley: yes

aziraphale: ...

crowley, innocent: if you want. whatever

aziraphale: well, I suppose I could think of something to...tell you off about

crowley, already paying: if you insist, angel

[fakemichaelsheen]

-the bookshop-

aziraphale: *enters*

gabriel, smiling: hey, your spouse went to get coffee

aziraphale, nods: right. okay

aziraphale: ...

aziraphale, realises: what? crowley isn't my spouse

gabriel, chuckles: yeah, they are

aziraphale, insistent: no!

gabriel, matter-of-fact: well, you knew who I was talking about so *shrugs*

aziraphale, panicking: that- I don't- it's irrelevant

gabriel, mutters: you're irrelevant

aziraphale, folds his arms: for your information, crowley and I are above such basic human social conventions. what we have means so much more than that

gabriel, sighs wistfully: must be nice having a spouse

aziraphale, huffs: *walks off haughtily*

gabriel: :D

-later-

crowley, returning with coffee: angel?

gabriel, appears from behind a bookcase, continues dusting: your husband's in the back

crowley, heads to the back room: thanks

[fakemichaelsheen]

-the bookshop-

crowley, enters: hey-

aziraphale, staring out of the window discreetly, waves his arms in a shushing gesture: shh, nina and maggie are on a date!

crowley, whispers: what? *joins aziraphale at the window; smirks* wow, we're good

aziraphale, proud: yes, we are rather *watches nina and maggie hold hands; thoughtful* I've never been on a date before

crowley: ...

crowley, frowns: yes you have

aziraphale, stares at him: what? no I haven't!

crowley, gestures: what are you talking about? we've been on loads of dates! we went to the ritz last night!

aziraphale, realises: oh, no, crowley, I meant a romantic date. with dinner, dancing...

crowley, offended: 1941!

aziraphale, blinks: you could have shot me in the face that night. you think that's romantic?

crowley, folds his arms: yeah and you did too so you can get off your high horse *mutters mockingly* 'a romantic date'

aziraphale: ...

[fakemichaelsheen]

-the bookshop-

aziraphale: *enters*

crowley, bitter: how was your book club?

aziraphale, groans: dreadful. mr brown wasn't interested in discussing agatha christie's works at all. can you believe that?

crowley, narrows his eyes: what did he do?

aziraphale, pouring them drinks: he was more interested in you, as a matter of fact

crowley, takes the wine: me?

aziraphale, nods, sits opposite: yes. what kind of books you were interested in, how long we'd been together, what you do, your likes and dislikes

crowley, smirks: you told him we're together?

aziraphale, splutters: of course not! he made the assumption. I just...didn't correct him

crowley: *still grinning*

aziraphale, embarrassed: oh, yes, it's all so terribly funny. what would you have said in my position?

crowley, laughs: oh you don't want to know

aziraphale, sighs: yes. well. I think his crush on you is the least of our problems

crowley, fond: you're the one he fancies, angel! he was only asking that stuff about me to find out if you were up for it

aziraphale: ...

aziraphale, thoughtful: in that case I'm glad he thinks you and I are together

crowley, clinks their glasses: me too

[fakemichaelsheen]

:: series three crowley introduces aziraphale to his rebound boyfriend played by michael sheen with a moustache: the chatfic part two

-st. james' park-

crowley & not!aziraphale, still michael sheen in a bad wig and moustache: *feeding the ducks*

not!aziraphale: it's lovely here. I can see why you enjoy it so much

crowley, looking around, distracted: yeah

aziraphale, walking with a companion who is just david tennant looking like peter vincent from fright night: ah, crowley, fancy seeing you here

crowley: ...

aziraphale, somewhat smug: as you can see, my friend and I were about to indulge in a picnic *holds up a basket*

not!crowley, gestures: this is the one you were telling me about?

aziraphale, dismissive: yes. we're no longer on speaking terms. are we crowley?

crowley, narrows his eyes: we were just gonna have a picnic actually

not!aziraphale, confused: I thought-

crowley, summons a picnic basket: yep. c'mon *takes not!aziraphale's arm and pulls him away*

not!crowley: ...

aziraphale, unfazed: shall we?

-10 minutes later*

crowley & aziraphale: *sitting just a few meters apart with their companions*

aziraphale, loudly: I am having a lovely time. thank you for joining me

crowley, also loudly: it's finally nice to have someone I can really talk to. we have so much in common

not crowley & not!aziraphale: *glance at each other awkwardly*

[fakemichaelsheen]

:: series three crowley introduces aziraphale to his rebound boyfriend played by michael sheen with a moustache: the chatfic

-the ritz-

aziraphale: *enters*

crowley, sarcastic: well, well, well, if it isn't the supreme archangel. what an honour

aziraphale, sighs: I thought you weren't talking to me

crowley, sipping wine: oh, I'm not. just having a spot of lunch with my good buddy here *indicates his companion*

not!aziraphale who is just michael sheen wearing a bad wig and fake moustache, turns around: delighted to meet you, dear fellow

aziraphale, about to discover if angels are capable of having a stroke: ...

crowley, dismissive: goodbye

aziraphale, insistent: I have a reservation

crowley, shrugs: not anymore

aziraphale, huffs: fine. then I'll just join you *takes a chair and sits down*

not!aziraphale, smiling: so, you two know each other?

aziraphale, a bastard: you could say that

crowley, also a bastard: I thought we did

not!aziraphale, thoughtful: anthony hasn't mentioned you

crowley, quickly: I don't know him

aziraphale, smug: not what you said when you kissed me

crowley, splutters: ngk shut up

not!aziraphale: *looking between them like he's watching a tennis match*

not!aziraphale, oblivious: well, this is jolly good fun, isn't it?

crowley & aziraphale: *glaring at each other*

[fakemichaelsheen]

series three crowley introduces aziraphale to his rebound boyfriend played by michael sheen with a moustache

[fakemichaelsheen]

-armageddon, again-

aziraphale, exasperated: what are you doing here?

crowley, shrugs: well somebody's got to stop this from happening

aziraphale, folds his arms: what's that supposed to mean?

crowley, rolls his eyes: nothing *pauses* I'm not talking to you anyway

aziraphale, clears his throat: yes. fine. I'm not talking to you either

crowley, bitter: fine with me

aziraphale, bitter: and with me

crowley: ...

aziraphale: ...

aziraphale, hesitates: it would be beneficial to work together on this matter. despite our personal issues...

crowley, raises an eyebrow: you're joking, right?

aziraphale, desperate: of course not. we both want the same thing here, crowley. and once the job is done, we...go our separate ways. the way it should be

crowley, nods: sounds like a plan

aziraphale, forces a smile: right. so, where do we begin?

[fakemichaelsheen]

’and they’re not talking.’ okay and how long is that gonna last? they both suck at being alone, we’ve seen that. I give it a week before aziraphale is bursting into crowley’s flat like ‘ok I know you’re mad but I cannot stand another SECOND up there’

[fakemichaelsheen]

-give me coffee-

aziraphale: *slumped, his head on the table *

nina, places coffee in front of him: you alright there?

aziraphale: *shakes his head*

nina, smirking: your fella wearing that turtleneck again?

aziraphale: *nods*

nina, takes the coffee away: I’ll get you something stronger