fallengypsy16

[fallengypsy16]

2 years later

2020 for the world was absolute hot garbage but for me... for me it was amazing. I was unbelievably happy and moved in with Jason and everything was going perfect. I decided to move up in the job world in 2021 and that's when it went down hill. But really I know I should be grateful because I’m healthy my son is healthy Jason is healthy but ugh. I’m now unemployed after having 3 jobs in 1 year... that is the worst year job wise I've ever had. 1st job was 2 weeks before the boss showed me how illegal things are he was doing so I left. I tried healthcare and I had no work life balance.. THEN my dream job. I HAD MY DREAM JOB!!! They laid me off 2 days before  Christmas. I answered the Zoom call just thinking it was a “hey have a great time off” chat. I broke down. I’ve never been laid off and now 2 days before “the happiest time of year”? It’s now the end of January and I still don’t have a job. I feel like a loser. I’m running out of money and don’t know what to do. 

[fallengypsy16]

my hormones have to be the reason why im crying so much today. things have been doing so well for me lately why am i so sad. why cant i stop crying. the one bad thing is pretty big i guess. daisy and i arent friends.i couldnt go to her dress fitting and i missed another thing kind of for her wedding. i already had plans months in advance out of town. jason and i got into our first disagreement that weekend. i was pretty hammered. great right? idc about writing any of this i i just realized. i just want a hug. 

[fallengypsy16]

i feel like my heart is going to explode. im so into my head and ruin everything. but im trying not to im trying to stop this cycle. im trying my hardest and i hope he sees that. i hope he doesnt give up on me. every minute that passes i feel like he does. thats my anxiety. im shaking with these thoughts in my head. i need to think positive. hes going to understand im flawed hes going to understand im worth being there for when im down. i am worth it. i know im worth it. i have bad days just like everyone else. he will see this an love me. he will be ok with it as long as i am honest. things will be ok. i just need to stop these thoughts. ive done it before and can do it again. 

[fallengypsy16]

i just typed OK.... i did it. but will that be it. will that be enough. will i be weak like he says i am and keep messaging him. will i prove him wrong and never talk to him again? thats what i want... i have to treat this like a game. im competitive af. im mad just writing this.. but also my ear itches. but for real. i need to not talk to him again. i need to forget he ever existed. im going to be lonely... so lonely. and i hate that. thats what gets me. i already want him to message me back saying he loves me and is sorry and whatever.. it wont ever happen. win this game girl.. 

[fallengypsy16]

When I think about writing to Alex I always cringe at the thought. I cringe because... well wtf lol. I wanted to write him for the longest and tell him how bad he hurt me but also tell him again how much I use to love him. Now... all I want to do is tell him about Jason. I want to lean on him. but why.. and why now? I think its because I know im losing the attachment to Jason. I am falling apart with him. He isnt making me happy anymore. Im constantly just in fear of the text that he doesnt want to work things out or have feelings. its just exhausting and hurts to think about. i wish he could go away like alex did so i couldnt talk to him. its hard breaking the connection. thats always my problem. i get so attached and lean so much on them to help keep  my mind busy and not on the bad that i never really deal with it i guess. thats my fault i know. idk why i would ever want to be with someone who calls me weak minded or just points out the negative but swears hes a positive person. i check my phone waiting for him to be the person he use to be but he wont.. and i keep telling myself “this is relationships it gets ugly wait it out” but BETCH its been ugly more than pretty. my head knows im right but my heart breaks so much for it. my head takes care of my heart and takes all the burden. i literally beat myself up so much because i dont want to hurt my heart.... but it has to eventually. 

[fallengypsy16]

the next time it happens... i want to handle it alone. i want to just simply say ok or not respond. i dont care how bad it hurts. if it happens again... i have to walk away. does that mean im half way gone? i dont think so. i think its me finally realizing that i love him but i cant keep doing this. its me choosing to be lonely rather than with someone who always leaves. im not going to not try or change the way i am because i want to see how he responds but im going to try my hardest to stay positive and reassure myself that when it happens again... i can break this. i can say im enough and i tried my absolute hardest. my thing is..i hurt to think about him with someone else. it hurts soooo much to think i failed making this man happy. but i need to keep in my head that i will no longer be weak minded. 

[fallengypsy16]

im feeling stuck. in a lot of ways. the only time i feel relief is when im making art. something i cant make money from to support my son and i. i want so badly to just not be trapped. everyone feels this. im stuck between trying harder and letting go. i want him to hold me and love me and see how amazing i am. see that i wont ever hurt him. see that we can do this together. i already dont want to write anymore

[fallengypsy16]

today. today i went home and did my hair and makeup on my lunch break thinking id see him after work. then he tells me hes feeling weird about us. yet again... like always. and im crying again like always. this time. i just want it to be over with. i wanna cry and get over it. 

[fallengypsy16]

Its almost as if when he leaves my life i instant forget that he made me feel like an insignificant person. he made me feel unworthy. he let me sit in anxiety. or was that my own self. certainly not him being an a hole the entire time. see now im trying to see his side of the story and i forget mine. because i feel as if mine doesnt matter because i was in the wrong. why am i always in the wrong. i have two sides of me it feels like and one said wont take this blame and the other wants it all. i want to know this was my fault and run back to him tell him i’ll fix it. but how... how do i fix feeling unworthy when i dont hear from him. how do i fix feeling unwanted? 

[fallengypsy16]

more makeup. more colors. more... not me. i like makeup and colors sometimes yes. but i also like my non makeup all black look. idk if i love him anymore. but i think thats because i feel like i dont excite him when im not around. i want him to miss me. thats the only factor im missing. i want him to want me just as much as i want him. it just doesnt happen. 

[fallengypsy16]

idk what part to start with or if this will flow well or just be a cluster of a mess... per usual i guess. im not great at this. its just a mental release... im downing my writing that literally nobody else will see. i love jason. idk what kind of love it is. im attached to him so it could be that type of love. or a friendship because he seriously has no idea how much just him being there means to me and how i just enjoy it. we have major ups and downs. he for sure doesnt love me. it hurts. one day i know hes going to find someone and i’ll die inside and we wont even be able to be friends anymore. so i should stop now right? im crying so much just thinking about it. i dont want to think about this or write about it. i want to tell someone.. i dont even know if i can write it. theres times that i just dont want to be here. really. it scares me. id never in a million years do anything about it because of damian. idk if id be here if he wasnt. he literally saves my life every day. he is the hero in my story. i feel like such a failure as a mom and as a person. im so scared that if im this depressed now that its going to be real bad when things shake up. my life isnt terrible. idk why im so sad all the time. i wish i could fix this. help. 

[fallengypsy16]

my anxiety makes my heart hurt it makes my mind go into places that i never thought about. i just want a break from this. i want my mind to stand still for one moment. i want it to make one good decision. i want it to tell my heart that theres no flight or fight mode right now. that theres no reason to be sitting here getting worked up about events that happened a week ago. theres no point in me being this choked up over someone who doesnt want me. theres no point in blaming myself for everyone else.... and as i say that i also think well its not always their fault so how do i tell the difference. what if im wrong. i have a fear of losing control and being wrong. it makes me so silent when in reality i just want someone to listen to what i have to say. i want to be brave enough to have an opinion and stick by it. i want to be sure enough to talk about things that bother me. but i cant... because my moods change as quick as i type. one minute i feel a certain way the next i feel opposite. im like a roller coaster of emotions and i have no idea how to handle it. the uncertainties kill me. they should be embraced yet here i am scared of to even be who i think i am. im so tired. ive never been so mentally and emotionally tired. i write that and i think about all the bs ive been through and i know ive gone through worst. i know ive felt worst. but this fight is long and its getting old. im having so many bad days compared to good. i can no longer tell myself im being emotional because of my period. im emotional all the time. im crying every other day. im so unhappy. im so anxious. i want to change my life but im so overwhelmed i have no idea what to start with... and this is when i start telling myself im a loser. im a loser because why not just pick a spot to tackle and go for it. why am i complaining. people have it so much worst than i do. i can do this im just being lazy... but its not laziness. its being unhappy. its being depressed. its being so sad that moving is a full time job. its being so upset that nothing but yet everything hurts. i just want to find a way to live. live my life the way i want it to go.  

[fallengypsy16]

death to me is different i think. i know everyone is going to die. i know its going to hurt me. i know all of this and yet i know i’ll survive it. but some people dont so why am i so confident i will. death doesnt scare me like other things. people leaving me and still being alive scares me more than anything on this planet. i cant stop thinking about it. every thought in my brain when i meet someone is.. when and how are they going to leave me. how am i going to pick myself up and deal with this. will this be at a good time, like when im home and alone so i can cry in silence. will it be because im too clingy. will it be because im not clingy enough. will it be because im strange. will it be because i slept with him too soon. will it be because i didnt sleep soon enough. will i end up alone forever. that breaks my heart. it breaks my heart to wonder if i’ll ever be enough for someone. if i’ll ever be that person someone cant get enough of. or will i always be that person who is too much for everyone. im overwhelmed. i wish i had direction. 

[fallengypsy16]

ive said it all so why do i keep replaying it in my head. i think whats wrong is that im so caught up in running from everything and everyone that i no longer know what to do. i just want to cry. every time im alone. i want someone to love me. i want someone to hug me. i want someone to stay with me. 

[fallengypsy16]

he doesnt trust me. ive literally never had this problem. how do i fix this. or is he saying that because he doesnt want to tell me the truth. he told me he doesnt trust me because i asked to get a beer with a coworker after work. i asked him. i didnt know where we stood. i asked him. he said it was fine. then.... all of a sudden its a problem. i really... hate my life lately. 

[fallengypsy16]

its funny i write a post about being happy and a day later it ends. cool. 

[fallengypsy16]

how do i get over the overwhelming fear that everyone will leave. everyone is temporary and i will have to live without them eventually.