famousvoidstudentblog-blog

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

6 / 14/ 18

okay, I am too happy what’s going on? like I am over here planning cute dates and falling hard for this girl? am I stupid or did I find my soulmate?

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

I am so happy with my life right now that I am scared. i have a new girl in my life and I am sooo happy with her but at the end of the day I am terrified to fall in love with her. I literally sit there and watch her laugh just so I can replay IT  in my head when I miss her. I share at her eyes and her smile so much I could never forget what she looks like but I am so scared that she will turn on me like my last relationship did. I know I shouldn't take my past out on her but this last relationship really hurt me bad. I was so head over heels for my ex I would drop everything to leave with her, but instead she dropped everything and left.. without me. I am really trying hard to have feelings but I am scared to connect with someone again, and I dont want to lose my new girl like at all!! I really hope one day I can love my new girl the way I know I can because I know she deservers It. she already shows so much emotion now! 

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

closer

since I cant talk to you in person, I talk to you in my head and I asked all these questions and all I wonder is why did you do it?

Why can’t I be in your arms every night? I used to be but your feelings for me faded. Was that my fault?

Why say you love me when a month later you've moved on from me? Was I really not the one for you? Did you ever really love me?

Why say you want a life with me but the moment you left you started to build one with someone else? 

Why did you sleep with someone else when it was suppose to be just you and me? did I not get the memo that we weren't together? 

All these questions go unanswered and I wish I had the closer. but for now I will ask them in my head because talking to you will never be an option. 

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

Plain. that what my life is right now. I sit here acting like I don’t want you, but you’re all I want. Because of you. You make my life complete. You are no longer in my life and now I feel like I have to start all over again. Because of you. I have to find my own again. My head was wired up to connected both of our needs and now I have to find to way to rethink to only my needs since you’re gone. Because of you. Being away from you made me feel empty. Everyone who crosses my path, derails because all I do is think, maybe you'll come back. Because of you. I can not find happiness because I was invested on yours. to this day I still try to find the happiness I had when we first met. because of you. I can’t sleep. I think about the times we had that keeps me up for hours. our laughs that we shared the memories we made. they are still there. because of you. I can’t delete the memories we captured. everyone of them makes me smile to ear to ear in happiness, but as I cry in pain because you are no longer here. Because of you. I am stuck in love with someone that will never truly love me. All because of you. Now I think about it, you weren't the best to me. Because of you. I had to sacrifice friendships to get along with you. Because of you. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, I was just there for the moment. Because of you. I was your shadow that never had a say in our life. Because of you. I could do better. Because of you. I will find better. Because of you. you made me feel my love wasn’t enough. Because of you. your words have me wrapped around your finger. Because of you. I am finding out who I really am. Because of you. You'll see I was the best you’ll ever have. 

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

Journal - 1 / 12 / 18

It’s been a minute since I wrote, but I’ve been so busy with classes, echo and dealing with my relationship. I started classes on the 7th and so far I like them. Taking business classes, a math class English and communication classes, plus work it’s honestly been so busy. But this year I am going to do my work and get good grades! Since, classes started Echo has been growing, but growing at my house. Chlo mom has been acting weird and just not being a positive is taking a toll on Chlo and Echo. Since, she was sick of taking care of him, I am now taking care of Echo. Of course all of this is going down, I am single in all of this. I dont know how to think about this. I honestly dont want to write. Like my writing is everywhere right now because, I just cant think. Like why me? Why am I falling in love with someone who is leaving me for the military and doesn't want to love me back because she is gone. I just cant write right now, I am so sad and just emotionless and could care less. I just hope she comes back to me. I hope there is no one else in the picture and she is back in my life in no time! all I can do is hope.

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

Journal - 1 / 6 / 18

10:17pm - So today all I did was sleep due to working thirds.. :( But last night at work was horrible! It was so slow that everyone left at 3am while I was there alone until 7am. Like what am I suppose to due by myself until 7am? Before everyone left they did stock, cleaned and left me nothing to do. I was sooo tired once It hit 5am I literally couldn't stay up. Plus, I almost got in trouble too because someone else went behind the bar and got someone clear cups and gave them to a customer and they thought it was me, but I wasn't at the bar. Anyway, I slept all day. well I woke up at 12 wanting food and then went to bed until 8. I had to get up because, I had to get pants and new shoes for work, My pants were way to big for me and I noticed everyone wearing yoga pants and I wanted to wear them and be comfortable while working like everyone else. Also, I got new shoes. I was using Tinas old black shoes, but they were Grandma looking and I needing someone more updated and younger looking. So with the new pants, new shoes, my makeup and hair done. I hope I get a lot of tips. I don’t want it to be like It  was last night.. I might die. I didn’t talk to Chlo much today because, she was working and I was sleeping and oddly I am not upset about It, maybe because I am finally changing the way I think and the way I feel, FINALLY!!  But, I am excited to work tonight because, Laura and Darion are working and they are kind of my favorite. Autumn of course works, but last night wasn't bad because, I didn’t talk  much to her and it was fine by me because, I was in a good mood. I have to go to work like now. I don’t want to go. I just want to write and talk about my day, but I had to do this writing fast because I have to leave. I would feel weird not writing for the day. 

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

Thoughts -

I’ve notice, if I am happy, people around me seen happier. I just have to remind myself everyday to; Stay happy, Stay focus, and Stay positive! 

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

Journal - 1 / 5 / 18

9:07pm - Today was pretty eventful. Sam and I reschedule going to Delta this morning around 8am and man, that was rough getting up. Chlo was out with some buddies at the bar last night and she wasn't telling me that she was being safe and having fun or even texting me much at all so I was getting scared and just couldn't sleep. So waking up this morning was rough, but it happen. I really enjoy being friends with Sam. She has been my friend since we were in 2nd or 3rd grade and just always got along. Well, we are like sisters we love each other one minute we can hate each other the next. But at the end of the day we still love each other. While at Delta Sam got a books for her class and I took the accuplacer test and redid my schedule for winter classes. It took a while, but its finally done! Today was like perfect though. I don’t have to work until 11pm tonight so I had to whole day to nap, but what perfect way to start the day when I get a call from Chlo saying she got sent home? Sam and I decided to go out to eat with her and just catch up. It was so nice seeing my baby. After lunch I dropped off Sam, Chlo talked to the Army Recruiter  and I headed back down to nap all day with Chlo before her shift at 7. We were both cranky because our puppies wouldn't sleep with us and they were peeing and barfing everywhere but we got some z’s in. Thank God!! Now I am home and I just wish time could stop so I can spend hours with Chlo. She makes me so happy. When I look at her, I see my future. I see family. Everything I hoped for in life is in her. I know, I just started talking to her in April and started dating her in September but I have never felt a love like this. I should be sleeping instead of writing, but writing makes me clear my head and just makes me feel better about myself. Tonight, I work with Autumn. Autumn rubs me the wrong way and I know she has a few words to say about me, but tonight I am not going to let that ruin my mood. I am going to be happy and ignore her! if she has a problem and wants to talk crap about me to other employees, that’s fine. I am still going to just let I.T  go and show the other co workers I am fun, funny and just a great person. This year I care about being the bigger person and no drama. I want to be the best I can.

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

Thoughts -

Why do I always feel like I am not good enough.. like I have to give my all for someone just for them to give me back little to none attention or appreciation.  

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

Journal - 1 / 4 / 18

9:34pm - This morning I usually wake up to Chloe’ snoring or getting ready for work but since Echo is way to loud during the night with his whining I couldn't stand staying on Facetime, so instead of waking up to my girlfriend I woke up to cancelled plans to going to Delta with Sam and nothing to do with myself for the rest of the day. I had McDonalds with the family before they went to work though. While we waiting for Divida to come back, we talked about our dreams we had that night. I had a dream that Chlo got invited to an all gay party and didn't let me go, but I snuck my way to the party anyways just to find out Chlo was making out with some girl there and Tina told me she had a dream Dad didn't say goodbye before work and got her mad too.  I don't know why, but I have been having weird dreams of Chlo cheating on me lately. I don't know if its me trying to not think about T and her anymore or what but I wake up in bad moods and I hate it. I know it's just a dream, i guess it just comprehending it before I give Chlo attitude for the day makes our lives better, because come on.. Even though its a dream i feel like Chlo would do that. That is why I need a minute before I talked to Chlo so i can make myself believe its just a dream. But, If she is generally unhappy with me i feel like she would go behind my back and take advantage of me. Okay, that's just my feelings talking though, even though she ruined my trust with Trevino I have to restart my mind and try to trust her again. I have been trying so hard too and I am going to try harder so i can make her happy with me again. anyways, after the family left I bought some candies and gum for my purse for Chlo since she request that i should carry a purse around now. Did laundry and cleaned my room all day… i have  A LOT of clothes like I am tired just thinking about doing laundry. I didn't really talked to Chlo much today which made me kinda sad but I promised myself I wouldn’t take it personal since she is at work and Saginaw is a scary place. I just kept myself busy and just didn’t think about it. While eating dinner at Grandma’s, she gets a message from the neighbors saying there are cops going around the neighborhood and i am low key scared. I get scared over those kind of things. Just like imagining my family going through a missing child's case or murder case is scary to me. While Im scared that i might murdered, My sister isn’t scared at all since i can hear her and Aj fucking in her room. I don’t know why, but i am like dead today. I have to wake up early to get to Delta test out of English and possible change my schedule if I can’t, then sleep all day because I have to work 11pm - 7am. I am not excited. I hate 3rd they are fun as soon as it hit around 3am the Casino is dead and I just want to sleep. Co- workers go home and I have to stay there. Well, I am going to enjoy the rest of my night watching netflix on my Laptop and get some rest.

11:04pm- I was supposed to Facetime Chlo but the call ended because her friend Travis called her to go to the bar.. So instead of talking to her she is going out with her friends. I am kinda upset she is going out because, i don't trust her one bit but I am going to hold my tongue to save our relationship. I just had to come here to vent so I wouldn’t take it out on her. She is never on her phone anyways when she is out with her friends and I am not staying up late waiting for her to text me, this year is about me! Plus im not excited for her to complain to me about her mom being mad she was gone to long because, she told her she was on a fire call. Also i am not ready to hear about how she is tired she is going to be tomorrow.

[famousvoidstudentblog-blog]

Intro // Raw

Today I felt weird. I felt unloved and unwanted. I know I am wanted by my family and C I just don’t understand why I get in these moods. Because of those moods, I am going to start trying harder to avoid those feeling and replace them with good memories I have with the people I love. This year i want my goal to be is to become happier, unbothered and educated. I was unhappy for so long and this year I want to be in the best state possible. Finding things like writing, being with friend and avoiding unnecessary fights and drama I know I could be the happiest around. I am so happy when I am around people I enjoy and doing things I love. This year if I am uncomfortable or having the feeling of unhappiness then I will leave the situation. I am no longer suffering for other people's happiness, I come first. Unbothered. I have had a rough past with jealousy and people telling me what to do and I am just going to act the way I am no matter what they have to say about me and just be unbothered by it. If someone has to say something negative about me then either they are, jealous or want to be me. I will not let anyone bring me down by their negative and I will be my own person. Education will come first. My first semester wasn’t the best. It was to the point where they wanted to put me on academic probation. This year no matter what I will finish my homework, do all my assignments and get on track. I will have a set calendar for my class and I will follow it every day and when my task are completed I will do what I please with my free time.

I know it's going to be hard changing my thought process, my feelings and emotions but this year will be the year of success! I want to be happy to make others around me happy too. I thrive off of other people's happiness but their happiness is from my own and their I will be such a different person this year.