farawayforyou

[farawayforyou]

It is only in cold showers where cold water rains down on my body- it doesn’t calm me down, it doesn’t negate anything. it equalizes my soul when it combines with the hot boiling rage flowing through my red veins. only then does it let me experience tranquility and I can seen clearly with out a shadow of a doubt who I am.

[farawayforyou]

I look to the cards for guidance

They check my perception

Showing me Lillie’s and wandered kites

I’m falling again aren’t I?

The river rushes me down stream

You paddle and waddle

And yet you’re still here?

You might as well have not moved at all

Slumber and tumble down the freights

It’s almost night time, dear

The full moon is out tonight

I’ll be there, waiting for you

Meet me in the woods, darling.

[farawayforyou]

Do you like stories? Let me tell you a story. There once was a very cocky rabbit; some would even call him hot headed as well. He was quite the unique one. He had no buck teeth, never did. He was very self-assured, blunt, and pragmatic. He wasn’t always this way. When the rabbit was young and growing around a melting pot of cultures, friends, enemies, and frenemies alike, the rabbit was more timid, meek, and had no self esteem. Quiet and easy to give up, the rabbit was ready to give up on the world, assured they had already seen everything. I mean after all, when you experience a heavy load at such a young age, any rabbit no matter the size is bound to fold under the crushing weight of it all. But determined that they might be wrong, they push on to make this better tomorrow they alway heard about in silly shows. Well the years went on and with each new experience gained a new part of the rabbit. Its outer fur may have toughened but despite everything the interior is still soft. The rabbit dabbled in everything it could get their grubby little paws on; poetry, skating, weight lifting, spring cleaning, music making, etc, etc. The passions for such things waned as all good things must but the skills remained. Determined to prove themself the rabbit would continue some of these pursuits long after the passion had long burned away. By the time the rabbit had become of age they had established quite the monument of stuff to share with others. However, all the rabbit found was the same cruel and cold world that they had once left, and it’s only grown colder in their absence. The rabbit didn’t know what to make of this, lost and confused, they pushed on. Eventually they became contempt, contempt with solidarity. Until a special rabbit from their kit days came along. The special rabbit showed them adorable things and treasures that a normal rabbit like him would usually be forbidden from embracing. The special rabbit taught them how far kindness can take them, how rewarding a selfless act for others is compared to a selfish one. Truly one of a kind. But all good things must pass and a new era was upon them. Both rabbits gradually split. As times changed and the rabbit explored a new environment where they were revered for whatever reason. They met other rabbits and a hare. The hare shared many similarities to our rabbit. Some might even argue that our rabbit was actually a hare all along but that is a story for another time. The rabbit and the hare got close very quickly and bonded over their shared experiences. The hare was slightly mysterious compared to everyone else and it allured the rabbit to get to know them. Over time as they became closer and closer, the rabbit no longer felt so deafeningly alone. Their heart warmed and began entertaining thoughts that had never crossed the rabbit’s mind throughout their entire eventful life. The hare’s heart had also begun to change and ponder things not felt before either. The rabbit and the hare had unknowingly just fallen in love. A powerful feeling that banks on one’s passion, trust, communication, and even self-control. Well time had passed as quickly as ever before, the rabbit and hare had formed many precious memories to be savoured for years to come. They had petty love and even pettier fights, quarrels to rival the squirrels, and moments that kept one another on a high. With every mountainous high came a crushing low but through thick and thin they stuck together. It’s truly remarkable. The rabbit and hare had grown old, both furs softening and greying a little with age. They had lived a long and happy life from the moment they first met. I wish I could tell you more my dear but that's unfortunately all the time I had for today

[farawayforyou]

As I sit here once more

I find myself once again glued to my bed

Conversations with the devil in my head

I told him I'd never see him again

Now he's laughing at me, mocking me

He always knew I'd come back to my senses

Fight as I might, but look where that got me

Still it falters, my head crumbles and fumbles

My heart aches once more after I told it nevermore

I find my home in substance abuse

Nursing the bottle as if it's all I have left

Everytime I sit up, the hands drag me back down

It's permanent, I tell myself as I spiral out of my control

Something must've gone wrong

This must be a nightmare

if I close my eyes

Maybe I'll find you again

Like nothing ever happened, my friend.

[farawayforyou]

To come across you and not being able to meet your soul is a big punishment.

[farawayforyou]

Now I indulge in purposeless thoughts because the excitement in your eyes has untethered me from the weight of reason.

[farawayforyou]

The flowers speak to me

They tell me of the has beens

The who, what's and where's.

They sing me the silent melody

They pamper me with pollen

They seem all too familiar to me

It reminds me of you.

Yes you, the one who shone so bright

The one who slapped sense into me when I needed it most

The one whose smile was just to die for.

The flowers cry out in shame for I am not to blame

You twinkle on into the night sky.

Ashes dancing amongst ashes.

Maybe one day I'll see you again.

[farawayforyou]

These constant swings of atrophy and fighting pain

Swing at the beast and the beast doesn't fight back

Wonder if this was even worth the struggle

Should you submit to the beast or fight on?

You're on your own with this one

Pull them in closer and find an empty socket

It was never your fault it turned out this way

But your inaction is what lead to all of this

You dug this hole and now you shall lay in it

Eradicate your past and live in the arena

Fight like your life depends on it because in this case it very much does.

You may even struggle to find meaning or will to carry on in this state, that is not my problem.

If it bothers you that much then sleep it off.

Or if you really can't take it anymore..

Well.. you know what to do at that point.

[farawayforyou]

These self imposed chains I bind myself to

They never last and they never change

I unfasten the lock once a month and pay for it

An endless cycle of learning the same message

Why must it be this way?

I look to God for a sign and get no answer

I look to the cards to give me a sign with no reply

I look to the universe for a sign

It's indifference is the sign

I judge the jury as the executioner

Their verdict is clear

The chains must stay for my own good

[farawayforyou]

I share your drinks

I share your laughs

I share your love for the little beauty of the world

But we're just buddies

I know who you are

I know about your embarrassing childhood memories

The time you tried to play baseball and flung the bat out of your hands

When you stomped on that snake

Why you like honeydew over buttermilk

And when the scars started

I want to nurse you to health but you don't help yourself

I worry about you like anyone else in my family

We'll paint the skies with our songs of tranquility

I wonder if you'll ever pay me back

Your sick and I don't have the cure

I never have the cure when you need it

I'm leaving now, have a good life

Spread my message to your generations

A filtered image of what I was and not what I am

Remember the rosemary.

[farawayforyou]

The rain rushes down your body

It's burning your flesh

I'm gagged of words

Fluids rain from your mouth, eyes, and nose

Rushing down me as everything exits my body

And then, nothing.

It's all gone, your mind blank

The rain stops

I pray to a god I don't believe in and hope it works

But nothing changes.

I try everything to take the edge off

It's still there.

No matter what you do it's still going to be there

I feel it all wash over me, softening me

And there in lies the problem

A problem you decided from the start

[farawayforyou]

I want to feel your love for all that it's worth

I want to tear you limb for limb

I want to feel your blood rush down the halls

Find a single bone in your body that cares

I want to fear what it's like inside of you

[farawayforyou]

Here I lie paralyzed

Wondering what was I made for

With these calliced hands

Tirelessly working for something greater

Quiting while I still can

Because I'm too afraid to make a stand

[farawayforyou]

Smokey closets reek of death

I don't have the discipline it takes to open it

It told me to come back next year

But the smoke only grows thicker

It's suffocating me like as if it's from a fire

But no fire reeks like this one

No fire is as cold as this one

I want to help it

I want to let it out

But I know better

Seeing the closest slowly decay over the years

Falling apart and still silently screaming

There always was a way out of the closet

But you knew that all along didn't you?

[farawayforyou]

Your hot breath burns my skin

Engraving itself and making it home

Softly the silhouette takes its shape

I feel the desire forevermore

A soft kiss on dearly missed lips

Rejuvenates me to feel alive again

To breathe again

Sensually severe it's revered

I ask you where did you go?

Where would you like to go?

To be among the flowers and the rosemary?

To see the sights with a new set of eyes?

We can stargaze, sightsee, travel anywhere, do anything

It's all special when it's with you.

[farawayforyou]

Who are you anymore if not someone who you'd thought you'd never be?

How come it's still there after all this time?

As if my emotions continue to violently fluctuate on the flick of a switch.

It's sensitive and fickle, the exact opposite of who I used to be, who I ought to be.

It's still there, squirming, and screaming, god why is it so loud?

It's smokey air violently tugs at my lungs, suffocating me.

It's grasp is strong and rough as if it doesn't respect my very being.

As if it's the same grasp I feel at night.

The same hands that touch my hips and burn my lips.

I don't like it, I feel violated.

It's as if someone is touching me without my consent.

It's as if my body touches me without my consent.

I want it to stop, I want it all to stop.

The screaming, the groping, the violation of my soul.

I don't know how to stop it, no matter what I do it won't come off.

It won't come off.

[farawayforyou]

My anger

This pit of boiling rage deep inside me

It's like it can never be quenched

Thrashing and screaming, I try my best to control it

But it's like it's never ending

My short fuse is always there no matter how much I try to mend it

My mind is filled with such vitriol

I hate my body

I hate my hair

I hate my looks and the clothes I wear!

I hate the people I hang out with

I hate the people I share

I hate them all, I wish I didn't care

I will not let myself rot

But if God gives in then who am I except who I am not