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like you've never seen a broken man (if you go, i won't be well)

shivlina oneshot | loosely inspired by Mad Men 5x11 - The Other Woman

karolina is faced with a difficult proposition, but it's shiv who handles it the worst

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“You are the knife I turn inside myself; that is love. That, my dear, is love.”

― Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

She narrowly avoids spilling scalding coffee on herself when Roman creeps up behind her.

“Hey, Shiv, real quick—Karolina’s gay, right?”

“The fuck?” Shiv raises her brows, turning to face him.

“I mean, right?” he scoffs, ignoring her bewildered reaction. “Those blazers definitely scream L Word blu-ray boxsets.”

“Roman, what the fuck are you talking about?” Shiv shakes her head.

Roman rolls his eyes, waving a dismissive hand in her face.

“Oh, forget it, cockzilla.”

“Why do you want to know who Karolina likes to fuck, dickwad?” Shiv intentionally lowers her tone, keeping her eyes trained on the office door and the people milling about just outside of it.

The last thing she needs is for Roman’s wet dreams to make it onto the goddamn LackeySlack.

“She wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire—you know that, right?” she gives him a mocking pout, crossing her arms.

“Well, so much for my piss kink, I guess.” Roman frowns. He begins circling her office in a performance of sulking, picking up random decorative items and inspecting them, pretending to check the furniture for dust and fiddling with the handles on every cabinet door.

“Fuck me for trying to prepare for our next lawsuit.” he sighs, putting his hands on his hips.

For a moment he looks to Shiv like the spitting image of their second nanny, Sandra, who would always berate him when she’d catch him stealing her dolls after he’d accidentally broken one of his own toys. A somewhat tolerable enough woman, she’d finally gotten fed up and left them after Roman tried to set her uniform on fire while she’d been dozing off in an armchair.

“Roman, what are you talking about?” Shiv finally snaps, frustrated by Roman’s evasiveness.

Normally she’d bite—see what depraved bullshit he’d concocted out of boredom. But the subject he’s brought up sticks to the back of her throat like bad medicine.

He doesn’t seem to be dragging it out specifically to get a rise out of her, though, which brings her some relief. If anyone were to find out, Roman would be the cruellest (and most annoying) executioner.

She’d rather take her chances with Tom.

“You know Karl’s guy at the DOJ?” he asks.

“The one with all the ugly ties?” Shiv nods impatiently.

“Yeah, the guy’s being a flaky little shit right now.” Roman crosses the room, perching himself on her desk and leaning over to mock-whisper conspiratorially in her ear. “Dad’s afraid we might lose him.”

Shiv scrunches her face, stepping back and batting him away like a pesky mosquito.

“And what’s that got to do with Karolina?” she clears her throat, crossing her arms.

The knot she’s been trying to swallow down tightens behind her tongue.

“Oh, you mean Elizabeth Taylor incarnate? His words, by the way.” Roman puts both hands up in defence. “He wants to have dinner with her.”

“What?”

Air rushes out of her like a dam breaking, leaving an aching, hollow cavity inside of her chest. She can barely hear Roman speaking over the blood flooding her ears.

“That’s wrong, right?” his eyes widen. “Like—generally speaking, sex trafficking is not really the way to go when you’re fighting sex trafficking allegations, agreed?”

Shiv takes a deep breath, attempting to steady her hands before they begin shaking. She hesitates before opening her mouth, afraid that a scream might be the only sound to come out.

“Roman, this is fucked on so many levels.” she can feels her teeth creaking under the force of her jaw. “Who told you? Wait, does dad know?”

“I told you we have a group chat without you.” Roman rolls his eyes, concern over the situation already melting away now that he’d found an accessory to the crime.

Shiv grits her teeth, forcing herself not to scream. “Does he know?”

“He asked Gerri to talk to her.” he raises his brows. “Give her the ol’ girlboss rundown before we, you know, stuff her ‘n snuff her.” he claps his hands loudly.

As Roman begins to make his way out of her office, Shiv bites her cheek, calling out to him through tight lips.

“He’s actually letting this happen?”

Roman shrugs, a faint trace of guilt worrying his brow.

“I mean, to be fair, he did send Karl to suck the guy’s dick first, so you can’t call him a sexist.”

“Dad, what the fuck?”

Behind her father, she sees Karl attempt to weasel his way silently out of the room, so she pins him down with a sharp glare.

Her father is sitting at his desk, his fingers loosely woven as he sighs, taking his reading glasses off to fully take her in.

“Shiv, I can’t have you fighting me on this, too.”

She cuts him off with a scoff. “You know what this looks like, right? You’re aware—”

“It is just a business dinner.” he stands up, attempting to wave her off.

Shiv takes a decisive step forward, straightening her shoulders to meet him head-on.

“Not if we have to whisper about it, it isn’t.”

Their eyes lock in a standstill as she watches her father clench his jaw—a mirror pressure gnashing her own teeth.

When she was young, they used to play-fight like this, staring each other down like two angry bulls, her father simmering with faux rage until he’d finally yell or huff out a deep growl. Not enough to make her cry, but just to make her flinch. To see her bottom lip start to tremble.

Then, he’d start laughing—a big, booming sound, and then he’d smile and squeeze her shoulder playfully.

We’ll make a matador out of you, Pinky.

She doesn’t flinch this time, nor does she waver in her stare, so her father finally releases another deep sigh.

“Siobhan, do you know how many senators I’ve had to wine and dine? How many presidents?” he tilts his head as his eyes narrow. “It’s all part of the business.”

Shiv scoffs, crossing her arms before addressing him. “Except those guys weren’t actually sexually attracted to you, dad.”

The more she speaks about it, the more nausea grips her to her core, twisting her up inside.

All she gets from her father is a smirk as he exchanges mocking glances with Karl.

“Dad, this is abuse of power in the lightest.” she emphasizes the last part with a sharp slash of her hand in the air. “It’s—it’s fucking prostitution!”

The words erupt out of her like smouldering lava, and she watches the smirk drain from her father’s face. Now they’ve all been singed by it.

“No, that’s definitely off the table.” Karl jumps in, finally making his presence heard. “I told him this is strictly a dinner.”

Shiv turns her head sharply. “And if he asks for another one? And then another one?” she shakes her head. “Did you make him pinky promise, Karl?” she pouts, furrowing her brows.

He clears his throat, straightening his suit jacket before responding.

“Well, no, but—”

Her father interjects before he has the chance to come up with a half-decent lie.

“The guy’s a flake, but he’s not stupid. He’ll help us, Siobhan.”

He punctuates his sentence with a firm nod—the entire world expected to bend under its weight.

“How do you know that, dad?” she bites the inside of her cheek.

“I know guys like him.” he raises a heavy hand, letting it hover somewhere above her elbow. “All she has to do is shake the lonely fuck’s hand and he’ll set our case file on fire.”

“And besides—” Karl interjects again. “It’s all up to her. We’re only doing this with her full consent.”

It doesn’t escape Shiv’s notice that none of them have used Karolina’s name even once during this entire conversation.

She doesn’t speak to Karolina for the rest of the week. That is, Karolina makes it a point to avoid her like the plague. No more quick, teasing smirks as they pass each other by, no more lingering stares during meetings. The closest she gets to any form of interaction is a “Sorry, do you mind?” when Shiv happens to be sitting right next to the projector remote.

And oh, does she fucking mind.

She’s aware of what’s happening. Her dad, Karl, the whole rotten lot of them—she knows they’re all talking behind closed doors, doing the dirty business in the back while she sits at the bar, kicking her feet and blowing bubbles into her soda with her straw.

None of them dare to even mention the DOJ around her, and in just a few short days she’s learnt to translate Gerri’s um’s and uh’s like learning her left from her right—if she clears her throat first, it’s something to do with money, if she clears her throat after, they need to discuss the thing. It doesn’t help that Karl’s ears turn bright fucking red as if on cue, too.

Karolina, though, remains untouched.

She strides through the building with the same sense of purpose. She speaks clearly and nods firmly, her hands meticulous as she drafts, plans, executes—always moving, a clear and continuous arrow pointing them forward.

That is to say, she is as she always has been. Or rather, Shiv thinks, as she always had been.

Before.

Before the late night drinks, before the stolen kisses during boring parties, before the indulgent smiles and the lingering stares. Before Shiv.

She dwells on it, this strange new territory where she can’t quite tell where they are in relation to the other, what she can say and how much of it Karolina can hear—what Karolina might want to say and how much of it Shiv could take.

And Shiv is nothing if not realistic. She doesn’t expect Karolina to come to her with this, isn’t even sure she could handle Karolina laying this entire fucking mess at her feet and asking for her help in untangling it.

But the more she thinks about it, and in this unending darkness she’s been kept in she’s done nothing but think about it, the tighter her fingers curl into fists. Her chest constricts with it, this thinking. It drips down the back of her throat and coats her trachea. It wraps itself around her lungs like ivy, squeezing until she finds herself gasping in the middle of the night, struggling to catch her breath, the faint shadow of a thought lingering in the back of her mind.

She feels it rotting her from the inside out, all of this thinking, growing like black bile and spilling out through her eyes, her ears, her mouth, through her clenched fingers and gritted teeth.

She wakes up thinking about the scandal it would cause if it were ever to come out, even the idea of it—the shame of it. The fact that Karolina’s career would be over before anyone would even finish reading the headline.

“Waystar Head of PR caught in sex scandal. Dinner over DOJ!”

How it would add even more fuel to the already blazing dumpster fire that is cruises. How it would scorch every single one of them, cementing the fact that Waystar Royco is in the business of trading bodies.

That last part lingers most in Shiv’s mind—the bodies and the people that trade them, and by the time night rolls around it is all she can think about again.

Karolina’s body, the soft skin Shiv’s fingers and tongue have traced endlessly, the warmth of her, the way her hair curls at the sharp curve of her jaw. Karolina’s scent, the way it seems to always linger everywhere—on pillows and sheets, the collar of Shiv’s jacket, the backseat of the car, the back of Shiv’s mind. Shiv closes her eyes and sees Karolina smiling lazily after a particularly hard day and a stiff drink, sees her purse her lips and lean her forehead against Shiv’s, sees her sitting across a conference table, blinking slowly before looking away, the faintest upturn of a lip lingering for a second before disappearing.

To think of it all, the flush that spreads from Karolina’s chest all the way to the back of her ear when she’s aroused, the firmness of her thighs, the sweet cadence of her laughter—to see it reduced to a bargaining chip. To something that can be exchanged discreetly during a handshake, or slipped into a back pocket. It leaves her nerves taut and aching and rapidly coming undone each time she closes her eyes and pictures a stranger’s hand on Karolina’s shoulder, at the crook of her elbow, gripping the back of her knees, tangled in her soft hair.

When Karolina texts her asking to meet, she almost knocks Tom off the bed getting up.

He doesn’t ask where she’s going, offering only a murmured goodbye and plea to be safe.

She doesn’t know how it’s become such a pitiful affair, their relationship whittled down to a sigh they keep passing from one to the other. A barely flickering light they use to keep from bumping against each other in the dark hallways of their gilded cage. Despite the mangled state of it, despite the blood on both of their hands, she feels it thrumming against her ribcage, the soft memory of it—Paris and easy dinners, Tom’s hands rubbing her shoulders to keep her warm, pulling her into his chest to warm the tip of her nose. Beneath everything they’ve become she can still feel that small root they haven’t eviscerated yet, so she clings onto it, and squeezes Tom’s shoulder softly, urging him to go back to sleep..

By the time she makes it to Karolina’s apartment she is panting as if she’d ran the entire distance, her chest tight as she tries to reteach her lungs the volume of a breath.

They settle on the couch, making stilted conversation while working through a couple of drinks. Once she’s polished off her second glass, Karolina finally turns to face Shiv, head leaned against her hand as their eyes lock for what feels like the first time this entire evening.

“Spit it out.” she sighs, her eyelids heavy with whiskey and exhaustion.

Shiv swallows nervously, debating how much she can say without spilling her rotten entrails all over Karolina’s soft leather couch. She stares into her glass, clicking her nails against it.

“You’re not seriously considering it.” she finally says, furrowing her brows.

She only looks up from her glass when she hears Karolina scoff.

“I wasn’t aware there was room for consideration.” Karolina replies, eyebrow cocked and lip turned up into a scornful smile.

“See, this is what I mean.” she shakes her head. “It’s fucked—it’s fucking wrong.”

Karolina turns away from her, leaning down to pour herself another glass. The decanter shimmers in the warm light, blurring Shiv’s vision. She follows the dancing flickers of light as they spill out of the decanter with the whiskey, then pool into Karolina’s glass, taking flight as Karolina raises the glass to her mouth before finally settling, small and inviting, in the flushness of her bottom lip.

“And what would you like me to do about it, Siobhan?”

When Karolina’s lips begin moving, Shiv has to blink herself awake to recognize the words they are forming. However sweet the distraction, Shiv pulls herself together, gripping her glass as she focuses back on the topic at hand.

“You can tell Karl and his pervy buddy to fuck off.” she suggests half-humouredly.

Karolina furrows her brows, taking another sip of her drink, this time letting out a satisfied hum before turning to look at Shiv over her shoulder, the same mocking smile dangling loosely from her lips. “Can I?”

Shiv leans forward, her knee knocking into Karolina’s as she lowers her head to meet Karolina’s gaze. “So what, you’re actually gonna go on a date with this guy?”

“It’s just a dinner.” Karolina shrugs.

Just like the first time they’d fucked had been a one-time thing. Just like the second time Shiv had slept over had been about the bad weather outside and the traffic. Just like the extra toothbrush in Karolina’s bathroom was a matter of convenience.

Like coal to diamond, nothing too unbending for Karolina to compartmentalize into clear, easily digestible morsels of truth.

Shiv tries to clear her head, but all she sees when she closes her eyes are those goddamn hands—too broad and hungry and wrong, grabbing at Karolina’s flesh. When she tries to take a deep breath it isn’t Karolina’s warm, spicy perfume trailing the end of each inhale, but some tacky, heady cologne filling her lungs until she’s choking with it, sticking to the back of her throat like ammonia.

“Am I the only one who can actually read the writing on the fucking wall?” she finally opens her eyes, turning her head sharply towards Karolina “You know what he wants, Karolina—what he expects.”

“And what would you like me to do about it, Siobhan?”

“Maybe try standing up for yourself?” she shakes her head. “Give that a go.”

“Stand up to whom?” Karolina laughs, raising her glass to her lips again. “I’m perfectly aware of the situation I am in.”

“Then do something about it.” Shiv raises her voice, anger thrashing in waves inside of her.

Karolina places her glass down on the table with a loud clink.

“Shiv, I appreciate your concern, but I can’t have this discussion with you.”

Shiv scoffs, hands gripping her knees as she leans back forcefully against the couch.

“Rain check the dinner. Let me talk to my dad.”

Karolina laughs, the sound of it reverberating harshly inside of Shiv’s skull.

“And tell him what, exactly?” she says, looking over her shoulder at Shiv with narrowed eyes as she drags out her words. “That you don’t like sharing toys?”

“This is not about that.”

“Isn’t it?” Karolina smirks.

Like tar, something hot and sticky begins to pool at the bottom of Shiv’s stomach.

“How am I more concerned about your wellbeing than you are?”

Shiv brings her hands to rub the bridge of her nose, the pressure gathered there digging into her skull like a bullet.

“There is only one outcome here, Siobhan.” Karolina sighs. “Either I do it, and I’m the whore that did it, or I say no and I’m the cunt that put the company at risk. And to them it’s the same amount of nothing.” she waves a dismissive hand, focusing back on her drink.

“You’re the head of PR, Karolina.” Shiv yells out again, finding herself decreasingly apologetic for her harsh tone.

Karolina doesn’t look back at Shiv this time, speaking around her almost empty glass. “Which works out wonderfully, since I’ll be the one in charge of keeping my own mouth shut.”

“This guy could be dangerous—you know that, right?” Shiv leans back forward, forcing Karolina to look at her. “He works for the DOJ, he’s got money, influence, we don’t even know how long Karl’s known him or how well—”

“So what, Siobhan?” Karolina interrupts her, voice simmering with concealed anger. “No real person involved, right?” she smiles widely, the strain of it marring its usual charm.

Shiv hangs her face in her hands, releasing a shaky breath through her fingers. “This is so fucked.”

“Mhm.”

She watches Karolina polish off the remaining whiskey in her glass before putting it down with a decisive clink and gingerly resting her hand over Shiv’s thigh.

“Speaking of things that need fucking.”

Shiv leans into the kiss, letting Karolina’s warm mouth, the whiskey on her tongue and her soft sighs melt away her anger and her fear—prays all of her melts away under Karolina’s hands.

As she closes her eyes, though, there they are—those damned hands. That suffocating smell. That unbearable fucking weight pressing against her chest.

“Wait—sorry.” she pulls away, her hand coming up to grip the one Karolina had wrapped around the back of her head. “This is—it feels weird to be doing this right now.”

Karolina gives an amused frown, whispering something Shiv can’t quite make out before continuing to trail messy kisses across her neck. Shiv lets her, but finds her own hands growing foreign to her as she wraps them around Karolina’s back—too big, too clumsy, and too rough against the smooth skin peeking out from under Karolina’s shirt.

She pulls back again, taking Karolina’s cheek into her hand and running her thumb slowly against her bottom lip as she shake her head softly. Looking at her through heavy lashes, Karolina lets out a soft laugh.

“Come on, you can pay me after.” she winks, pressing her lips flush against Shiv’s thumb.

A cold wave of shock washes over Shiv, paralyzing her. For a moment, all she can do is stare at Karolina like a crazed animal. Then, like a cord snapping, she pushes herself away until no part of their bodies remain connected.

“Christ, what the fuck, Karolina?” she blinks, barely spitting the words out past the wave of nausea rising in her stomach.

Karolina looks only mildly annoyed as she shakes her head. “It was a joke, Siobhan.”

“Yeah, well it’s a bad fucking joke.” Shiv scoffs, turning away to look anywhere else but at Karolina. “You know what, I’ll talk to you later.”

Not bothering to wait for a protest she knows won’t come anyway, she gathers up her things and all but runs out of the apartment, hoping the sound of the door slamming closed behind her might startle some sense back into Karolina.

She finds out the day it’s supposed to take place through Roman, and spends each night leading up to it biting her thumbs to shreds. Tom doesn’t ask why she’s barely sleeping these days, and she doesn’t ask him to stay up with her. He sighs, or she sighs, and they move along on their merry way like two placid ghosts, only mildly inconvenienced by the other’s presence.

Time stretches and constricts around her, the days dragging on endlessly at times, then rushing up to whisper dauntingly in her ear. A weeks passes like a year and a minute, Shiv counting each painful second one minute, then losing track of an entire day the next. By the end of it, she is dizzy and aching and, above all else, missing Karolina like she’d been ripped straight from under her rib. Like she’d always just been there, tucked away in the flesh of Shiv’s breast. Like all she’d been missing was a name for it, that tenderness, and no other could fit quite like Karolina’s. Either something vital, Shiv thinks, or something cancerous—eating away at her until each cell bears less of Shiv and more of Karolina.

Those damned hands never leave the space behind her eyelids, either, only growing bigger and hungrier with each passing moment. And the bigger they get, the more alcohol it takes to keep them at bay. The louder Karolina’s voice rings in her ears, too.

You can pay me.

Like there is a world where a price can be put on Karolina. Like there is a limit to what Shiv will relinquish, would Karolina ask for it. If there is a trading of bodies between them, Shiv realizes, it isn’t Karolina doing the trading.

And she knows, somewhere in the back of her mind, that she isn’t being fair. That the lines Karolina had drawn from the very first minute were as clear and neat as they come, and it’s only the ugly beast of Shiv’s heart that has muddled them beyond recognition. That whatever was festering inside of her was neither right nor righteous, but ugly and selfish, and there was very little separating her own hands from the ones she keeps seeing in her sleep.

Friday rolls around like a death row sentence, and she doesn’t bother drawing the blinds to pretend it isn’t even midday yet when she pours her first drink. She sets her phone in front of her and stares it down until it turns into a blurry blob in front of her eyes.

As the world slips into dusk, Shiv begins to feel the walls crowding her in, that ever-present vise tightening around her chest. Her hands feel numb and heavy as she keeps knocking them against the kitchen counter, against the whiskey bottle, against her glass and against each other.

In front of her, the phone remains silent and mocking.

Roman picks up on the third ring, and tells her it’s set for nine o’clock before she even asks. He doesn’t say anything except that she owes him one. It makes the corners of her eyes sting, but she can’t bring herself to acknowledge it, so she gives Roman a mumbled thanks and hangs up.

By eight o’clock, she is in a bar not too far from Karolina’s apartment, bracing herself against the bar top as she cradles her head in her folded arms. When she sits back up, the entire place sways softly and sweetly in front of her eyes, the warm lighting making the bottles on the shelves behind the bar shimmer like tiny stars.

When she orders another drink and it gets served with a complimentary dirty look from the bartender, a brief moment of clarity washes over Shiv. She catches her own reflection in the mirror panels that house the shelves of liquor and asks herself, for the first time since she’s arrived at this place, what it is she is actually trying to accomplish.

Hanging around Karolina’s neighbourhood like an obsessed ex, hoping for what, exactly, she can’t tell—for Karolina to stumble upon her? For the gutter to sweep her up and deliver her to Karolina’s door? For her hands to stop shaking long enough to do something useful for once and grab onto Karolina and take her away from this entire fucking mess? For Karolina to want it?

For those fucking hands to disappear from her mind.

Without thinking, she slams back her drink, throwing her jacket on before getting up. Her vision slips and slides away from her, and it takes a heavy grip on the bar to steady herself enough to make out a clear path to the exit.

“Sorry m’am, but you still need to pay.”

She turns to see the bartender watching her with the same disdain as earlier. Fumbling with her pockets, she takes her card out and all but throws it in his face. He closes out her tab and hands her back her card. As she reaches for it, he pulls it back.

“You, uh, good to get home?” he raises his brow, looking her up and down.

Straightening her shoulders, Shiv swipes the card out from his hand.

“Yeah, I’m fucking good.” she scoffs. “Got a friend who lives nearby.”

“You sure you don’t want me to call you a cab?” the bartender insists.

“I paid, yeah?” Shiv points the card back at him. “So fuck off.”

She doesn’t wait for a reply, turning sharply around and walking out of the bar.

As the cold air hits her, a shiver runs through her bones as she stares down at her hands, contemplating what to do next.

Then, as if waking up and realizing she’d forgotten to set an alarm, she takes her phone out of her pocket and checks the time. Five to nine.

Karolina had more than likely left already.

A wave of nausea washes over her, and her temples start throbbing. In rapid succession she sees it all—the wine, the drinks, the dessert, the hungry hands and Karolina’s soft skin, the shade of lipstick she keeps for special occasions, the light reflecting off of the tiny stones on her rings as she twists them out of habit. The dim lights and the scratchy car seats.

The alcohol has made her thoughts crueller, more daring, and now it isn’t just Karolina’s polite smile that taunts her, but her laughter, her own hands grabbing back, her lips claiming skin that isn’t Shiv’s. Now it’s Karolina herself playing the game for the sake of playing.

Looking up, Shiv’s mind is already made up—she’s had enough of sitting at the bar, kicking her feet and sipping on flat fucking soda.

She doesn’t look at the time again. As she enters Karolina’s building her fists are clenched tightly inside of her pocket, and she has to bite down on her tongue to keep from lashing out at Karolina’s doorman when all he does is politely greet and wave her through.

Her knuckles are red, she notices, as she knocks on Karolina’s door. She blinks, looking down to inspect her hand. Time’s slipped away from her all week, but she doesn’t remember punching anything, or taking up old hobbies again, so it must be the cold, she thinks. Except it wasn’t that cold outside. The whiskey then. Her tongue feels thick inside of her mouth, her teeth sharper. She presses her knuckles against her mouth, blowing softly to bring some warmth back into them.

Her body feels as if it’s on fire, but she can’t quite remember what the weather had been like outside, so she reasons she must be shaking because of the cold still.

“Siobhan.”

She blinks harshly as the door opens, bright light spilling around Karolina’s form like an avalanche. She is wearing a black dress to match the shadows under her eyes, her eyes narrowed into angry slits to match the fire burning inside of Shiv.

“Hey.”

She straightens her back as Karolina’s eyes rake over her, jutting her chin out defiantly. She tries to do the same, but can’t quite manage to follow the dancing shadows that make up Karolina’s form.

“You’re drunk.” Karolina says, tone clipped as she drums her nails against the door handle. “And I have a car picking me up in a few minutes.”

Pushing past Karolina, Shiv makes her way into the apartment. The sudden flood of light is dizzying, and she has to blink harshly as her eyes adjust. She turns to find Karolina looking at her expectantly, one hand cocked to her side.

Stuffing her hands in the pockets of her jacket, Shiv realizes the reason her knuckles were red—an ill-timed attempt to grab onto the ATM for support. Pulling out the contents of her pockets, she extends her hands out for Karolina to take.

“Don’t do it.”

Karolina looks at the stack of bills, her eyes not leaving it as she speaks through gritted teeth.

“Shiv, what is this?”

Shiv blinks. “You said I should pay you, so here.” she takes a step forward, pushing the money out towards Karolina. “I’m paying you not to go.”

Karolina laughs, raising a hand to her lips.

“Is this because you think I might actually fuck him?” she furrows her brows, her voice wavering as she finally locks eyes with Shiv. “One pat on the back from daddy and I’m bending over for the entire fucking village, right?” She swallows thickly, letting her anger coat her tongue like a shield. “That’s why you’ve been so concerned about me.”

Karolina’s sharp gaze, though blurred at the edges by the drinks she’s slammed back, is almost enough to make Shiv’s knees buckle.

“I—”

“Get out.”

She shakes her head. “No.”

Karolina takes a step forward.

“Get the fuck out of my house.”

Shiv’s hands are still outstretched, the money making her palms burn as shame fills her, licking up at her insides and crawling up her neck.

She clears her throat, attempting to straighten her back, the light catching on each wrinkle on those goddamn bills.

“I’m not letting you do this, Karolina.”

“Letting me?” Karolina scoffs. “You need to leave, Siobhan.”

Shiv begins to protest as Karolina takes a step forward.

“Get out.” Karolina says, her voice devoid of emotion, though her eyes have become glassy.

Shiv shakes her head, a few errant tears spilling past her eyelashes, which she wipes at roughly with her forearm.

“Don’t fuck him.” she whispers harshly. “Please. Just don’t fuck him.”

As a last-ditch effort she motions weakly to the money in her hands, only to be met with a furious glare from Karolina. In a flash, Karolina’s hands are on Shiv’s wrist, attempting to wrangle her out of the apartment while Shiv struggles, kicking her feet as she tries to pull her hands out of Karolina’s grasp.

Far too dizzy to put up much of a fight, Shiv finds it harder to keep a single image of Karolina floating in front of her eyes than to push away Karolina’s hands. Taking a step back to clear her swaying vision, she doesn’t notice the small threshold separating Karolina’s dining room from her hallway until her heel connects with it, sending her flying back as the money she’s been holding scatters up in the air.

Karolina’s hand in on her arm instantly, catching her. Through the shock, all Shiv can feel are Karolina’s hands on her and Karolina’s worried gaze swimming in her eyes, hundred-dollar bills flying around them like dirty confetti.

Karolina’s hand never leaves her arm, the warmth of her palm seeping into Shiv’s skin like a soothing balm. Desperate to erase the scowl on her face, Shiv does the only thing she knows—the only thing she’s ever wanted to do. She kisses Karolina. Hungry and shameless, she presses herself flush against Karolina, though she keeps her hands by her side, not willing to let any of the grime off of that money touch any part of Karolina.

She feels Karolina pull back at first, the fingers wrapped around Shiv’s arm digging deeper as they push Shiv away. Then, with a soft exhale, Karolina’s other hand comes up to grip the back of her head as she pulls Shiv in.

As Karolina deepens the kiss, all Shiv can hear, feel or smell is Karolina. Karolina’s hand moves from the back of her head to her jaw, nails raking against Shiv’s cheek as it travels lower, fingers wrapping themselves around Shiv’s throat, and all Shiv can think of is how sweet of a death it would be, to let those fingers steal her last breath.

For a moment she thinks it might be happening—that Karolina might actually plan on killing her. That she might let her.

Her throat constricts as Karolina presses her hand against Shiv’s throat and it’s only when Karolina pulls back from the kiss and gives Shiv a sharp nod that she realizes what she’s doing. So, she lets Karolina push her back through the apartment, her heels slipping against the money littering the floor as she still refuses to let her hands stain Karolina’s skin.

Once she feels the sharp edge of a table hit the back of her thighs she stops. Karolina narrows her eyes, her nails digging into Shiv’s neck as her other hand grips her thigh, hoisting her up on the table. She pushes Shiv until her back is flush against the table, the glass cool as she presses her cheek into it.

A part of Shiv wonders briefly whether Karolina realizes she can only push so far while still gripping tightly.

Satisfied with her work, yet still keeping her hand firmly pressed against the column of Shiv’s throat, Karolina begins to kiss her way down Shiv’s neck, stopping only to sigh into her ear.

“You wanna pay for me, huh?” she says, her teeth grazing Shiv’s ear.

“No.” Shiv gasps.

“Yeah you do.” Karolina whispers sweet and sickly into her ear, before lifting her head to look Shiv in the eye. “You think you can buy me.”

Shiv swallows thickly, her neck straining against Karolina’s thumb.

“Karolina, I—“

Karolina cuts her off with a kiss, catching Shiv’s bottom lip between her teeth before releasing it with a wet pop.

“What are you going to make me do?” she raises her brow, her eyes tracing every contour of Shiv’s face as if drawing an intricate map of it.

“Nothing.” Shiv shakes her head.

“Oh, come on, Siobhan.” Karolina sighs in disappointment. “I’m yours, what do you want me to do?”

As she speaks, her hands travel the expanse of Shiv’s body. She wastes no time with niceties, gripping and tearing roughly until her hand dips below the waistband of Shiv’s trousers.

“Whatever you want.” Shiv gasps.

Unable to bear it any longer, she finally lets her arms wrap around Karolina’s back, dirty and shameful as they are.

“Anything you want.” she murmurs, her eyes drifting shut.

“Hm.” She feels Karolina’s breath hot in her ear as the ends of her hair tickle her neck. “Do you like this? This enough bang for your buck?”

She finishes the sentence with a soft pop that reverberates inside of Shiv’s ear like a war drum.

With every inch of her surrounded in Karolina—her perfume, her heaving breath, the ends of her hair tickling Shiv’s skin, her hands making her come undone, the only thing Shiv can do is nod.

She comes with Karolina biting down on her shoulder as she tangles her fingers in Karolina’s hair, both of them still pushing and pulling each other apart.

She’s still trying to catch her breath when Karolina gets up, deserting her on the now cold dining room table, whining and panting like a sick dog. Still dizzy, she allows the alcohol and Karolina’s perfume to rock her gently like a sailboat, as she listens to the rhythmic sound of Karolina’s heels clicking as she moves through the apartment.

Finally, she pulls herself upright, her stomach dropping as she takes in the bills strewn around Karolina’s house—her home. Yet another thing Shiv’s managed to taint.

“My ride’s here.”

She turns to see Karolina entering the room, tapping away at her phone, Shiv barely an afterthought. There isn’t an inch of her that hasn’t been smoothed or retouched to perfection. The only thing that betrays her is the flush spreading across the narrow strip of skin exposed by the neckline of her dress. It crawls up her neck, biting her cheeks, her lips slightly swollen underneath the meticulously applied lipstick.

“Karolina…”

Shiv pauses, waiting for Karolina to look up. She doesn’t, fishing around until she pulls out a set of keys and sets them on the table, next to Shiv’s hand.

“You can leave them with my doorman after you’re done cleaning all of this up.” she nods towards the floor.

As she makes to go, Shiv grabs her wrist. “Karolina, wait.”

Karolina turns sharply, her knees almost knocking into Shiv’s. The column of her neck is still flushed and damp with sweat. When she leans in to speak to her, another wave of her perfume rolls softly over Shiv, stinging the back of her throat.

Her eyes never leave Shiv’s as she speaks, her voice the coldest Shiv’s ever heard her.

“I am done with you, and your family. And your fucking money.”

Karolina doesn’t spare Shiv another glance as she delicately frees her wrist from Shiv’s grasp and exists the room, her heels clicking a haunting hymn throughout the apartment that lingers in Shiv’s mind long after she’s gone.

The first thing Shiv ever does in Karolina’s apartment in her absence is cry. Not a full, heaving chest sob, but a few simmering tears, her hands still gripping the dining table as she grinds her teeth into fragments.

The second thing she does is throw up.

For a moment, she contemplates not bothering to make it to the toilet. To spill her entrails all over Karolina’s nice floors and show her exactly what this entire affair had turned Shiv into—let her pick through the mess and see if she would’ve taken it better.

She doesn’t, ultimately settling for propping her head against the cool porcelain of the toilet bowl whilst inspecting Karolina’s array of cleaning supplies tucked under her bathroom sink. After she feels herself moderately hollowed out, she grabs one of the bottles at random, splashing some liquid into the toilet before flushing.

As she moves from the guest bathroom to the one in Karolina’s bedroom where she’d started leaving a toothbrush out for her, she feels her body settling into a comfortable routine which she decides so cling onto.

So, she sets about brushing her teeth, before turning on the shower and busying herself with remembering which of the nearly identical bottles inside was Karolina’s body wash, before picking the one that smelled the best.

The shower seems to set her straight, and as she walks out into Karolina’s bedroom, the cool air feels like a cleansing wave as it envelops her. For the first time in days, she feels like she can take in a full breath, without some invisible vise gripping her heart.

If she closes her eyes, she can almost imagine Karolina somewhere in the house, her feet padding softly as she gets ready for work. She’d always wait as long as possible to wake Shiv up, always peeking through the door with a tiny frown and a steaming cup of coffee.

She can’t quite recall when it had snuck up on them, this twisted kind of domesticity. When being at home had begun to feel more like sneaking around than being here, with Karolina.

She rummages through Karolina’s drawers, picking out a pair of shorts and an old, oversized t-shirt from Karolina’s college days, Debbie Harry’s faded face shooting daggers at her as she dries her hair.

Karolina’s heels are still clicking a steady, deafening rhythm inside of her head as she sets about cleaning up the dining room, her knees sticking to the cold floor as she picks up each discarded bill and stuffs it into a garbage bag.

Like an alert dog, the sound of the door opening startles Shiv awake. For lack of something to throw over herself in some semblance of a shield, she tucks her hair behind her ears and steps out of the bedroom, her bare feet padding softly against the floor as she makes her way into the kitchen.

Karolina is leaning against the kitchen island, her back to Shiv. A bottle of gin sits next to her, its cap thrown on the other side of the island.

Shiv approaches her slowly, her mouth drying as she takes her in. Her hair is messier than it had been when she’d left, the ends of it curling around her chin. There are tiny flecks of mascara stuck to the corners of her eyes, and the flush hidden beneath her foundation had begun to peek through.

When Karolina finally turns to look at her, all she gets is a dismissive nod, before her attention returns to the glass she is cradling.

“Why are you still in my house?” she says, her tone flat as she drums her fingers against the glass.

“Well, someone had to make sure you were fucking okay.” Shiv huffs out a quiet laugh. “Guy could’ve gone all Silence of The Lambs on your ass.”

Karolina doesn’t say anything, only quirking an eyebrow as she downs her drink in one large gulp before filling it back up.

“So, uh, are you? Okay?”

“Oh, yeah.” Karolina nods. “I’m great.”

“Good, good.” Shiv purses her lips, biting the inside of her cheek as she takes a few more steps towards her, rounding the kitchen until she is sitting opposite Karolina. “Yeah, I also like to slam back straight gin when I’m okay.”

Only receiving a slow, distanced nod in return, she crosses her arms, staring down at Karolina’s clutched hands. “I got some takeout. I saved you some.”

“I already ate.”

“Okay.” Shiv sighs. “I, uh, also got some tiramisu—from that place you like.”

“I had dessert, too.” Karolina cuts her off with a glare.

“Right.” Shiv nods, lips pulled back in a tight smile. “Well, it’s in the fridge. Take-out’s in the microwave.”

She watches the tension coil inside of Karolina’s shoulders, her eyes darting wildly anywhere but in Shiv’s direction. With a determined exhale, she gets up to grab a glass for herself, sensing Karolina’s eyes following her as she moves to the cupboard behind her.

Glass in hand, she moves on to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of tonic water before returning to her seat with a proud smirk.

“So, how was it?”

She doesn’t meet Karolina’s gaze, feigning concentration as she makes her drink.

Karolina shrugs, clicking her nails against her glass, the muted trill sending goosebumps down Shiv’s arms. When she finally looks up, she finds Karolina looking at her, really looking at her, for what feels like the first time since this whole fucking mess had started.

Her gaze burns something shameful and awfully sad in Shiv’s chest, her grip on the bottle weakening as she fully takes in the exhaustion reflected in Karolina’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Shiv begins. “Karolina, I—”

Karolina silences her with a shaky hand.

“Shiv, what do you think of me?” she furrows her brows, gaze returning to the glass she is cradling.

“What do you mean?” Shiv murmurs.

Karolina pauses, her thumbs caressing the lip of her glass before she looks up again.

“You threw a stack of money at me.”

“That—I’m sorry.” Shiv closes her eyes, swallowing the shame tightening in her throat. “I didn’t mean—”

Karolina shakes her head, raising the glass to her lips. “If I told you I fucked him, what would you think?”

Shiv exhales a shaky laugh, frowning. “I think I’d track him down and break his fucking kneecaps.”

“If I said I’d wanted to?”

“Did you?” Shiv whispers, finding it excruciatingly painful to speak through the lump in her throat.

Karolina shrugs, reaching for the bottle of gin. Just as her hand meets it, Shiv stops her, wrapping her fingers tightly against Karolina’s wrist.

Karolina’s always run a bit cold, something Shiv would normally take great delight in teasing her about, but now her hand feels frozen to its core.

Then again, it might be Shiv that’s burning up.

“Karolina, did something…happen?” she swallows, desperately trying to keep her voice steady. “Are you…”

“I’m fine.” she pulls her hand from under Shiv’s, bringing the bottle with her.

This time, though, she throws in some tonic water as well, taking a sip as she shoots Shiv a pointed look.

“Are you?” Shiv asks, her voice raising as the hand that had been holding Karolina’s tightens into a fist.

“Nothing happened, Shiv.” Karolina looks at her, nodding softly.

Shiv releases a shaky breath. “Okay. Good.” she shakes her head. “I—good.”

She takes a large gulp out of her glass. The alternative, she thinks, might have made this her last drink.

“He called his colleague while he was dropping me off.” Karolina continues, her voice almost slipping back into her professional tone. “He’ll try to either push back our date or get the case quietly dismissed.”

“He better.” Shiv scoffs into her glass as she takes another sip.

They sit in silence for a while, Shiv sipping quietly at her drink as she watches Karolina’s glassy eyes move over the apartment, over Shiv, over her own hands, getting stuck on an errant thought, on the precipice of some sentence, before resuming their aimless search.

Finally, her eyes settle on Shiv.

“Why are you still here, Siobhan?” she says, quietly.

Shiv shrugs, a smile tugging at her lips. “I don’t know, why haven’t you tried to kick me out again?”

“You don’t seem to listen when I do.” Karolina frowns, though it feels less like anger and more like curiosity.

The entire night crashes into Shiv like an angry wave, reminding her of everything that has brought them to this table. Reminding her that no matter how much she scrubs at her hands, they might never feel clean again.

“Tell me to go again and I will.” she whispers, throwing her drink back and placing it down with a quiet thud.

Karolina shrugs, waving a dismissive hand in front of her. She looks like something out a Hopper painting, shoulders fallen onto themselves and eyes cast downwards, into her glass, as if whatever answer she is looking for was hidden within her own reflection.

Taking a steadying breath, Shiv reaches out again, placing her hand gently against her forearm, willing Karolina to look at her.

“Karolina, you can tell me to fuck off, but just—you’re scaring me right now.”

Karolina bites her lip, shaking her head.

“What the fuck did I do?”

Shiv watches with muted horror as Karolina collapses in on herself, her entire body shaking as her head drops into her hands. Despite the freezing terror running through her, a quick jolt sends her rushing towards Karolina, her hands reaching for the woman’s shoulders like the columns of a crumbling building.

“Hey, hey—it’s okay.” she murmurs.

Karolina tenses under her hands briefly, making Shiv still her movements. Then, Shiv sees her shift her body slightly towards her, giving her all the encouragement she needs to wrap her arms fully around Karolina.

“You’re okay.” Shiv whispers, placing a soft kiss on the crown of Karolina’s head. “You saved all of our asses tonight.”

Karolina’s hair smells like perfume and smoke, and her skin feels cold and feverish at the same time. She barely makes a sound as she cries, the only evidence of it the tremor that rattles her, sending shockwaves down Shiv’s spine.

Bone-tired and still dizzy from all the alcohol she’s consumed for the past weeks, Shiv holds Karolina like they are two sailors lost at sea, each sob rocking Karolina’s body a wave that Shiv tries to shield them against, her grip tightening as she presses soft kisses into Karolina’s hair.

When she finally feels Karolina’s shoulders stilling, she takes a tentative step back to let her catch her breath, her hands still rubbing soft circles into Karolina’s shoulder.

Rubbing clumsily at her eyes, Karolina draws shaky breaths as she flakes bits of mascara off of her fingers. Once she’s caught her breath, she looks up at Shiv.

“I could’ve refused.” she swallows tightly, propping her head in one hand as she smiles ruefully. “I could’ve said no.”

Shiv shakes her head. Her hands reach out as Karolina begins to turn away from her, pulling her back until they are eye to eye.

“Hey, look at me.” she says softly, like she’s approaching a wounded bird, scared it might try to fly away. “Karolina, look at me.”

Karolina does, her eyes glimmering in the dim light. Red-rimmed and blurring into darkness, her eyes look like diamonds drowning in blood.

“You did everything right.” Shiv blinks, one hand gripping the back of Karolina’s head. “If you’re gonna blame anyone, blame me or that fucking perv, or dad or goddamn Karl. But you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Karolina bites her cheek, a hand coming up to wrap loosely around Shiv’s wrist. “This is going stick to me like shit.”

“No, it’s not.” Shiv shakes her head, brows furrowed in anger as she rubs her thumb over Karolina’s temple. “And if it does, you’re the only one in that place worth any fucking thing, anyway. Let it stick—see if anyone’s dumb enough to say anything.”

Karolina laughs, squeezing Shiv’s hand.

“Evidently you haven’t spent enough time around that place.”

“I’ve spent enough time around you.” Shiv smiles, still frowning, though for the first time in what’s felt like months she feels some of the tension building inside of her ribcage begin to ease away, if only from the sight of Karolina’s upturned lip.

“You’re being very kind, Shiv.”

Shiv shakes her head.

“No, I’m really not a very kind person.” she says quietly.

Hand still gripping the back of Karolina’s head, she leans down to kiss her. It isn’t a soft kiss, both of them too bruised to ever grasp without a trace of hunger, but it stills something inside of them.

The waves begin to smooth out into lulling ripples. Despite the dark depths surrounding them, they can finally turn to take in the sight. To trace out some horizon line.

Karolina is the one to break it, her hand still wrapped tightly around Shiv’s as she looks up.

“You’re staying the night?” she asks.

“Mhm.” Shiv smiles. “`Till you tell me to go.”

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