fatallyoptimistic - Tumblr blog

[fatallyoptimistic]

[fatallyoptimistic]

If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don’t like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn’t mean you got to stop living.

Archie’s Final Project. 

Dir. David Lee Miller. (via

wordsnquotes

)

yes I love this

(via p-raise)

[fatallyoptimistic]

[fatallyoptimistic]

Hi, tumblr. I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I only turn to you during my extreme highs and lows (mostly lows) (like right now). But I’m glad you’re always here for me, old blog. My safe space, just for me. Today has been both more productive & sad than the past three weeks combined. I did my annotated bibliography! I’ve also been crying for the past few hours, so that has hindered my progress in studying for biochem. That’s okay, because I don’t think I’ll go to sleep tonight, so I have a bit of extra time. I spent a long time today just hating on myself. Like the lyrics from a Rex Orange County song:

& I’ve spent many months just hating on myself

I can’t keep wishing things would be different

Or leaving problems on the shelf

I wish I didn’t need to get help

But I do...... I do. 

-

I hate every version of me. 

[What if the reason why I’m so depressed is that I don’t deserve to be happy because I’m not a good person]

-

It’s gonna be okay, even if it’s not good. I’m just gonna keep going through it. There will be pockets of happy moments ? (even if I have to get drunk or high to accomplish that). I know I need to ask for help, but every fiber of my being is begging me not to, to just take this on my own. I don’t want people to worry about me. But I would want my friends to tell me if they were struggling so that I could be there for them, because that’s what friends are for. I don’t know. I’m a hypocrite at best. At worst... anyways. Thinking about Mira lately. Trying not to, though. I always kind of push that off until January 20th every year, and then I break. I don’t think I can handle processing all of those layers right now. I’m in this funk pretty deep, and it’s easier to just keep swimming down. And I keep thinking that I’m getting close to the end, but then the bottom drops down from underneath of me and I realize just how much depth there really is to all of this. Sinking down, down, down..

I’m putting a cap on this. No more depression brain for tonight, just biochem brain. I’ve got adderall pumping through my veins (prescribed!) and endless green tea. It’s time to learn some things and be proud of myself. 

Welcome to ~High Functioning Major Depression~

[fatallyoptimistic]

November 6, 2018

society6.com/abiwhales

[fatallyoptimistic]

[fatallyoptimistic]

You are so good. So good, you’re always feeling so much. And sometimes it feels like you’re gonna bust wide open from all the feeling, don’t it? People like you are the best in the world, but you sure do suffer for it.

Silas House, This is My Heart for You (via larmoyante)

[fatallyoptimistic]

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[fatallyoptimistic]

i fall in love everyday. with people, with things. i fall in love while riding the green line all by myself. i fall in love every time i go on a walk. on my way to class. going up the stairs. while eating lunch. on the long bus ride home. i fall in love, over and over again, every single god damn day. it’s love that is small, but it’s there. my heart, who is running on overtime at this point, is just pouring, pouring. pouring so much that at the end of every day, there is barely enough left for me. but i continue. i continue to love everything and everyone everyday all of the time. i cant help it. i just do it. it is part of the way that i live, and that is okay. but it is so tiring. because, while i am constantly giving, giving, giving, i have very little love coming in. it hurts. especially so, when i find someone or something that captivates my attention in such a way that i involuntarily pour all of my love into it. there is none left for anything or anyone else, let alone myself. and the worst thing is that now, this thing that has all of my love? it doesn’t want it. it doesn’t even register the fact that it is there. and then, it’s gone. my love is gone. and it will take a while to get back, costing me time and will and energy and feelings. and i continue. i continue to release my love into the world, sometimes all at once, to the right and wrong and unknowing things, because i don’t know how else to love. this is the only way i know how to exist. 

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