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[fatherjohns-lover]

5 simple exercises to awaken dormant muscles

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[fatherjohns-lover]

‪If you want to feel romantic love with someone but you are afraid you are unlovable and can’t fully commit to loving them as much as they love you and somehow you can’t stop thinking of the possible rejection you may face if you do peruse someone, clap your hands! ‬

[fatherjohns-lover]

(photo by bowlerhatbear)

[fatherjohns-lover]

Recommended reading for Snape x Hermione Fans

I had a request from someone asking for my recommended Severus x Hermione fics.  I actually have a little WIP Harry Potter Fanfic Repository on my blog where I keep them.  Kind of for me.  And kind of for anyone interested.  That is here.  I will be adding a lot more as I have time.

But right now, these are my personal favorite Snape x Hermione fics:

Second Life by Lariope Complete Rating: Explicit 9/10 stars Angst This follows canon rather closely and when it doesn’t you still think it is. Snape and Hermione are encouraged to marry on her 17th birthday which will intertwine both their paths in life. It actually works quite well. And both are pretty much in character. Snape isn’t as abrasive as in the books but he is still quite a schmuck at times. And the love story itself is so fucking beautiful. My favorite part of this is that I believe it could have happened. This gets a 9/10 for that very reason. It’s also got great sex scenes that make complete sense. Not sex for the sake of porn. It’s just damned beautiful. Not Only a Granger by ferporcel Complete Rating: Mature 8.5/10 stars Drama I was so dubious about this one. I thought it migh have ‘corny’ written all over it. Well, I was wrong. It is the sweetest damned adorable story that nearly makes me stop breathing half the tie. This kid, Nathan Granger, is so damned adorable that I wish she would have written a story about him through out Hogwarts (and please if you ever do, ferporcel, I beg you to put him with Lily Luna). And this love story is very well written and executed. Snape is a schmuck and Hermione is perfectly Hermione. I just really loved it so much. Hinge of Fate by Ramos Complete Rating: Mature 8/10 stars Drama This story is really fantastic. It’s disturbing and beautiful. Something terrible happens to Hermione. And her memory has been altered. Severus is involved in this terrible thing and Dumbledore plays God. But the dynamic between Severus and Hermione is what I love most. It’s not all sex but the sex? It’s fantastic. I can’t lie. However, the best part is just the entire story. It’s beautiful and my heart ached at times. They were both pretty much in character and that’s just the way I like it. But. Please note that this was written in 2003 and they did not know that Snape was not a Pureblood and they did not know that Ginny’s name is Ginevra. So please keep that in mind. Potions for Foxes by wonderwoundedhearers Potions for Foxes II: Through the Years by wonderwoundedhearers Potions for Foxes III: Aftermath by wonderwoundedhearers Complete Rating: Mature 9/10 stars Drama Can I just say….oh my God. This was a beautiful set of stories. I just could barely breathe. It was just so good. In this story, Hermione manages to go back in time - without the usual timeturner. She falls in love with Severus but comes back to the present day without him. The story is just really good. And each one of these stories are so beautiful. And heartbreakingly lovely. They stay in character - pretty much- which is great. Denial by little beloved Complete Rating: Mature 8.5/10 stars Drama This story is complex and a real treat to read. The Marriage Act comes about and Hermione leaves town. Five years later she’s back and put into a program where she is supposed to meet a potential mate. And there is when the entire thing goes haywire. Snape is married and in charge of the program. Hermione marries someone ill-suited for her. This is the story of how the Marriage Act backfires and how it affects the lives of so many different people. It’s a beautifully written fic. Care of Magical Creatures by mia madwyn Complete Rating: Mature 9/10 stars drama and a little angsty at times. This was the first ever Severus and Hermione fanfic I read. It made a Snanger believer out of me. Hermione and Snape marry so she can fulfill her part for the Marriage Act. So. I re-read it this week and I can’t lie. It is possibly one of the very best. It filled my heart to bursting, it did. The story is lovely. They are rather in character to be honest. Hermione has her ditzy moments but for the most part she works. Chasing the Sun by Loten Complete Rating: Mature 8/10 stars Drama Hermione wants to learn healing. Snape is repeatedly summoned and quite often he’s been tortured. She has to help heal him. She learns about him and understands him and it’s so sad and beautiful. To watch their story develop so beautifully. They are in character enough to make it work for me. More than work. I think she would be a little bit more broody but I can definitely see how they would be able to connect on a level like this. And the story is just beautifully written. Beautifully. Post Tenebras Lux by Loten Complete Rating: 8/10 stars Drama Snape has been hidden away from the wizarding world for ten years when Hermione chances to see him unexpectedly. This is a story of their friendship and how they heal their broken hearts and the loss they both experienced in the war. I loved this story because Hermione is 27 and I love that she’s an adult, with adult feelings. There are several other stories connected with this one that you should read as well. But this one is a beautiful story written just as beautifully as Chasing the Sun. With a Snape I know I easily fell in love with.

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And these stories are why Snape and Hermione are in my top three of the HP ships.  It used to be number one (then I read the fallout and well, sorry) and maybe could be number two.  Some of the authors who write these are just brilliant.  I mean, my heart just wanted to burst apart as I was reading them again these past two weeks.

[fatherjohns-lover]

I'm reading "The Hunt For Red October" by Tim Clancy on my father's request and "The Count of Monte Cristo" by Alexandre Dumas on my grandfather's request. And the foreign language words are hard on my brain but I push through like an adult. I cried into my chipotle burrito today because my dad doesn't realize what depression symptoms look like and I'm just a whiny, lazy, bitch half-adult. Ya know. I've been off my meds for a week. I've been blowing up and acting out. I should get back on soon or the bad shit will come back. It did today. Like how I'm worthless and shit. My dad is angry with my lack of progress in school. How jack finished three credits in nine days and I finished three credits in three trimesters. He told me to just drop out because I'm wasting everyone's time. My dad doesn't see my personal progress. I got three bags of garbage out of the kitchen today and I finally finished my economics credit on Tuesday. He basically told me I am worthless on the ride home from chipotle. I'm not like my younger brother. I don't have a high school diploma, a drivers license, a job, a physical activity, or freedom like him. I'm the depressed adult baby who is to lazy to be a member of society. He doesn't recognize my symptoms as symptoms, just as me being an entitled Bitch who's been coddled all her life. He told me to run off to my therapist and tell her how much my dad is being a dick. He's not a dick. He's my dad. He's ignorant to my feelings and I'm too afraid to stand up to him because he can be a sarcastic jerk. Tomorrow is my therapist's last day at school. I'm sad to see her go but she's on to a better paying job. She helped me through the boulders in my life this year. When it was a possibility that my brothers could've been taken away. I really want to see her and tell her about another boulder in my life that happened Friday. How my grandpa had been diagnosed with a terminal disease. I feel alone and it's not good at all. How the fuck am I gonna survive this long weekend? I'm feeling awfully shitty right now. I would like for my brother to stop giving me "advice" on how "easy" it is to drive. I want my dad to stop ignoring my depression. I want my mom to stop getting angry on how I don't have a high school diploma yet. I want my family to stop asking about cosmetology school because I'm on the brink of being a stubborn and defiant Bitch and not go to secondary education AT ALL. I want my dad to understand how I feel and how painful it really is. I have this constant negative fog and it won't go away by hanging out with friends for one night or just thinking positively. How the fuck does he say he understands because he had family members who had mental health issues. I feel like crying right now. I'm tearing up as I'm writing this. My accomplishments are never enough. My progress is not big enough and I want to throw up. The pit in my stomach is getting heavier. My therapist encourages me and praises me on even simple things. She's leaving and I'm gonna be in this fog for a while. I'm walking sadness. I know I look like garbage my hair becomes a giant dread at the end of each week. My clothes are becoming baggier and uglier. I'm sad. I'm sad as fuck right now.

[fatherjohns-lover]

I loved La La Land. It's such a good movie. It was my cup of tea and it's fucking great. I also really like Tom Hiddleston. I loved him since I saw Thor the day I saw a dead body on a field trip. I love Loki! I also like twilight. I love romance and I don't care about what other people say. It's romance and it's what I like. I love The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's camp and goof and raunch. Also, I absolutely think Tim Curry circa 1970's was HOT AS HELL! The curls! Those green eyes! That Cheshire Cat smile! I love Trixie Mattel's new album. I love the country. I like certain country but Trixie nailed it!!! I want a physical cd and digital copy. I hope Trinity Taylor wins season 9 of RuPaul's Drag Race. She kills that runway and has single handedly won the most challenges so far. I love this pageant queen to death! I watch Philip DeFranco everyday. I don't always agree with him but I like his journalism and his take on things. He comes from a place of comfort and I understand a lot of where his opinions come from. I like going to watch show choirs. I love the music and the visuals. I can imagine the complex music and I enjoy the competitive arts. Show choir is educational and athletic and artistic. I also keep myself updated constantly on news and drama. I love my family deep down. I love some more than others but ya know. I love the phantom of the opera.

[fatherjohns-lover]

Ya know how depression just is? I shower once a week. I Brush out the matted dreds out once a week. I don't really care about myself. I was in line at chipotle today with my brother and he pulls a leaf? Out of my hair. I'm not too sure I didn't get a good look. Good lord I don't take care of myself as much as I thought. I think I'm okay and yet I look like a walking advertisement for the negative side of depression. I'm not the romantic crying in the bathroom or drawing black holes in journals. I'm walking around with a goddamn rats nest in my hair. I'm wearing the same three pants interchangeably all the time. I tried this weekend to FaceTime my friend at college but she's been so busy and I want to tell her what is going on. I'm getting paranoid and I'm not going out for my walks anymore. My dog makes me have heart palpitations when I don't see her. Someone has been in our backyard and cleaned it up. I shower once a week at most. I'm still taking my meds but I feel like they aren't always working. I have anxiety about my pets, school, family. It's exhausting. I need reminders to unclench my jaw and breath deeper. I want a bouquet of flowers. I would like to look at my desk and see some flowers. Preferably in a pot with soil but cut also works as all flowers are beautiful. I went on BuzzFeed and saw an article on she sheds. I want one. I would like a cozy library. I want a bed and lots of books everywhere. I want a library system and a bookmark center. I would also like a bathroom and a fireplace but the fireplace is not necessary. I would also like to be able to lock it with a passcode. I would love to stay in my personal library all day. I can dream of my perfect life all day and I do that. My dream house has an Art Deco style. Red brick mansion. I would like a circular room on the side three levels high and it be my library. I would like my room on the third level and have a balcony to the circle room and have a book elevator from the balcony to the bottom. I would like it to be a mint green with gold painted ceilings of heaven. I would have a sprawling garden with a maze and a special greenhouse in the middle. It would be a great place to enjoy flowers. I would like something like the conservatory at the como zoo. Fountains, benches, and a fish pond. I would prefer my greenhouse to be an all season place. I want a living room/ballroom. I would love to host masquerade balls and live a glorious and mysterious life. I would want to live on a lake. A one to sail on. I would like to be comfortable.

[fatherjohns-lover]

All these necklaces (except the treble clef) were on $1 clearance at H&M. I usually don’t go shopping for jewelry but I have a soft spot for dainty and feminine necklaces. Oh and the triangle necklace has interchangeable shapes.

[fatherjohns-lover]

I come to Tumblr to forget about life. To laugh and reblog weird shit. But can't I enjoy things without feeling like I'm contributing to some big picture problem? I like a certain YouTube channel but apparently everyone is awful and I'm contributing to the normalization of their awfulness. Like? Can't I just enjoy people? The worst of the social justice community makes me want to quit tumblr. I don't reblog every "reblog if you support *insert something idk*" or reblog or you're cancer to the improvement to society. Shit. I care about a lot but ya know change takes time, effort, and a shit ton of will. I go to chick fil a for the good chicken sandwiches. I also volunteer for LGBT non profits when I can. Am I a homophobe and a hate monger? Do I deserve followers? What the fuck. I am trying but I would rather take shit slow and do what is possible for right now. Bathroom bills and blood donation are the top of my LGBT rights agenda to do list. I'll get to everything after. If I had the resources, I would give every trans woman money for facial feminization surgery. But let's start with the bathroom bills. Okay? Let's start with the bigger issues for now. We can focus a lot of energy on small issues like personal ethics of a gaming YouTube, or we can call our congressman to stop whatever new law that prohibits people from life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Jesus Christ. If you don't like someone or something, don't consume their content. Don't give a rats ass about them. Let people enjoy who they want to enjoy. We get it, people are shitty. I like watching shitty people. I give them the time of day because I don't fucking know. We have big issues right now like our failing government. I love people. I'm a bleeding heart liberal. My attention is on what my government is up to. They control me to a capacity. They gotta be shitting me with all these blatant lies. I want to live off the grid in Canada. I have therapy tomorrow and I'm looking forward to that.

[fatherjohns-lover]

I've cried a bit and now I'm numb.

[fatherjohns-lover]

I have issues communicating my feelings with my family. Right now, I feel sick to my stomach from just living my life. I have this sad feeling that is making my stomach cave in on itself. I feel awful about a lot of things. I haven't seen my friends in a while and I have been pretty much avoiding everything. I want to get out but I'm locked in. It's a debate on who actually locked the door, me or not. But anyways. I am feeling bleh. I got a facial for the first time in my life and I felt so amazing in the moment. But I think of today as another crappy one. My birthday is on Thursday and I literally have no plans. It's my brothers senior night at hockey and I am not going. I hate hockey and I hate my brothers. My grandparents will celebrate my birthday on Sunday. Now I know for sure, that I'm going to be alone. My friends are at college and there's no one I know that will come at a drop of a hat. I'm sad. It's the one day when it's all about me. And it's not. I am very sad. I don't want to be alone. I'd rather be with my family having dinner at tucci benucch. I wish something will happen so I don't have to be alone. I am alone now.

[fatherjohns-lover]

So, tonight I showered for the first time in almost two weeks. Umm yeah. I have been in a pretty hard mental state lately. It took about 20 minutes to brush and comb it all out. It was disgusting and embarrassing. How could I walk around with such a large rat's nest on my head? I shampooed my hair and oh my god. I felt so good. I gave myself a head massage and wow. I even tried a deep conditioning treatment for my hair. My cosmetology teacher told me I needed it because my hair was over bleached and I needed some tlc. I feel like I lost three pounds of hair tonight through combing and cleaning. The deep conditioning really feels good. I even tweezed my unibrow into two eyebrows. I am going to a show choir competition and I may not be competing but I need to look like I am in a good spot. I am putting on my expensive makeup and looking good. I do have to figure out what to wear but I will look bomb. I am excited to see my children and to relax and have fun. I think I am no longer blonde with blue eyes. My hair is brown and I have green eyes. I have turned into my dad. I gotta moisturize and put in my retainer and wait for tomorrow. Also what to do with my hair. Rockabilly glam or braid bun. I should get my portable charger charged.

[fatherjohns-lover]

My life is a string of consistent failures. I am going to give up on trying. I've been more depressed lately. I love my cat and cosmetology class and that's all that's going for me right now. I literally have nothing else worth it right now. Am I going to attempt suicide? No. I'm just in a very rough patch in my life. I'm sad and tired and not living. I haven't seen my friends since December. My birthday is next Thursday and I don't give a shit. I am not looking towards anything. You can take everything from me and I won't feel a damn thing. I don't know how to explain this to my family though. They aren't understanding. Whenever I talk about school, I get sick to my stomach. I'm not doing well at all and I'm not getting my diploma any time soon. I haven't showered in a week. I have the dirtiest room ever. I sleep 13 hours a day. I'm sick. My brothers torture me. I feel emotionally drained all the time. I don't have energy to be angry or to cry. I fake happiness like no ones business though. I still haven't seen a therapist since may. Thinking about tomorrow is making me want to puke. You know I haven't been hugged lately? Yeah. I miss hugs. I have failed a lot. I have failed most of my classes. I never got good parts in theatrical productions. I never made varsity in high school. I have never been an athlete. I have had every door, window, and ball slammed in my face. I ignore my issues a lot. I try to forget them. I have failed at being a lot of things. I have failed at being independent. I have failed at too much. I will never be perfect but I fucking suck at everything.

[fatherjohns-lover]

Time to listen to Phantom of the Opera and cry about the suffering of the world. I want to throw up just thinking about what is going on in America. Nazism, poisoned water, poverty, and the absolute shit hole that is our government. We have a hacked election and terrorist groups are cheering on the Muslim ban. I hope we end the suffering. I feel sad a lot now. I could cry right now. Fucking end it. End it all. End the crying. End the torture. End the suffering of the innocent.

[fatherjohns-lover]

So I've got a few health concerns. I don't want to check webmd because the answer will be cancer. Anyways. I have been having trouble breathing. My throat feels tight but not suffocating. I've got noises coming from my lungs. It sounds like I swallowed a whistle. I go into coughing fits when I try to go to sleep. My lungs are being crap right now and I'm not letting myself get sick until spring. I have been feeling like this for a few nights. I don't know what's up and I'm not concerned, yet.

[fatherjohns-lover]

Why is she so cute?

[fatherjohns-lover]

I am salty. I am bitter. I just want some damn food but it's too much of a hassle I guess.