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BLACK KURUNG
Salam and Hello 2023!
Too bad I didn't have time to write a recap for 2022. There are a few most significant and remarkable events happened in 2022 that I really wanted to write on you, ES. But I didn't. It's just that I can hardly find time to crack ideas in writing. As usual, calmness is the power in writing and for me, I always find it calm when it is raining. I will play my Spotify playlist and make a cup of hot drink especially coffee because there is something special about rain and coffee that makes me feel productive and blossoming. 🌸
You know what, it is raining heavily in my area now and I switch on my laptop despite taking shower this morning because I thought this is the time. This is the special moment that I can hardly find nowadays. A calm rainy morning with my galau playlist. I got a significant event that I really wanted to mark in this entry because this topic is ONE of the important and emotional issues that I always highlighted in my previous entries.
As we can see from the top image, I wore a black kurung and black heels and this is a random picture that I took before my interview session in October 2021. I dunno why but wearing black outfits when you go for an interview session is my thing. I feel more confident and confidence is a key to bring out the best version of you during interview session lahhh for me. This is my second black kurung and it was bought by M. Thank you sayang. And the heels was given by my colleague Jenny, and yeah I gave her RM1 (hahaha) for that because according to chinese belief, shoes are a bad idea for present because the word sounds exactly like a word for bad luck. So I need to gave her something to make it doesn't look like a present lah. Thanks J because she gave me the heels at the right time when I need it most (save money to buy black shoes because I don't have any).
Enough with explaining. The highlight of this entry is actually not about the outfits but my career. The one thing that I had been struggled with since after I graduated. I know for sure how many times did I ever felt down whenever people comment and asking me about my work. As if everyone in the world are doing their best except me myself. I always feel like the biggest failure in my family and amongst the rest of people living in this world. Some people are so judgmental and they didn't even try to put themselves in my shoes to understand how I have endured and struggled with low self esteem for years because of this kinda thing. It's just feel horrible for me to met these kind of people who could not think further and simply talk like they're the only successful people in the small unfamous village.
If only people can get over their show-off-ness and mind their own language. It took me few years to really get over the reality that all jobs are wonderful. All jobs are unique and priceless because we learn and we earn at the same time. The amount of our salary may varies but we didn't work for nothing and free. And if it's enough to cover our expenses then it is okay. It is really OKAY. I dunno why some people are very skeptical when I tell them I am doing okay and my job is fine.
Every time I meet these kind of people I will need to convince them that I have put much efforts into looking for a better job. And I have never failed at trying to find it. But some people will look at you as if you're just waiting for 'the moon to fall into one's lap'. I met some and it's kind of pathetic when I am trying to fake a response to those statements. I feel horrible by saying "Yes, I've done it many times. I'll try again next time", when inside my mind I would just like to reply them with "Yes, I've done it too many times and please mind your language because you dunno how difficult it was to pat my own shoulder whenever I failed into landing a job that I went for interviews". It’s saddening to see myself faking a response whenever I met those people. To be exact, those makciks. Hmm.
Back to the above image, this was the last and latest interview session that I attended to before I went thru a hopeless way in getting a nice job. I went thru many stages from online test to another online test to assessment and lastly the interview session itself. I told myself that I have a very slim chance to get it because I’m a nobody compared to the others during the iv session. Month after month after many months I waited for the result, it is always frustrating to believe that I am actually still hopeful on it. I gave up and feel hopeless many times. I was supposed to move on after many months of waiting but deep inside I still feel a little bit of hope because I really want to land for a new job instead of staying at the same office for another few years. It's just that maybe now is a high time for me to step out from the same place to a better environment for my mental health and happiness.
But who knows, one more month to make my waiting a year, I suddenly receive a call from a land line which I think just another person after person that will be asking me about work. After I took that call, I was kind of speechless, happy, blur and dilemma all muddled into one thing that we call a MIXED FEELINGS. I was told by the caller that I got a job offer from the interview session last year. But the sad thing about it is, the offer is not for Kuching office but Sibu office instead. I am still grateful for the call but what makes me dilemma is that the placement.
Alhamdulillah for the rizq. The concept is so beautiful. Everything that we get and eat unconsciously all this while are all written starting from where it starts until it was in our hands. It was always meant to be yours. I believe He gave us the rizq and chances all at the very right time. And this is the right time for me to land a new job.
So this is it. The end of my misery in career. The story might be different from what I thought it would be but just let the time flows and let me enjoy the moment. Happy Ramadhan!
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MEMORIES WON'T HURT
Bismillah. Hello to my first entry after I got married to M! ❤️
Before my marriage, I know for sure my life would still be the same and I can still do things that I used to do in my everyday life, with an additional family member and special person, which is my husband. I have tried so hard to assure my friends and family that everything would remain the same even after I got married because most of my friends who get married still continue the same exact life as they used to. I assured my family and friends that they still can hang out with me, I can still be their listener if they need a shoulder to lean on, especially my sisters. I know they are indeed very happy and sad at the same time when I finally decided to get married this year.
They are happy because their sister managed to make a way out from the so called comfort zone after almost 10 years living in a simple but happy life where her favorite thing to do everyday is taking random pictures and listening to sad songs as if 'galau' is all she had. It may look pathetic to others but I found my peace and comfort in doing that. My simple and nice life. Some people might think that I simply let myself finding peace in small small things because I can’t get over break-ups but it is actually to convince myself that being a single lady is actually wonderful because I still got my whole family members and extremely nice friends to hang out anytime I need them. Yes, anytime. I am blessed to have them all and no words can describe how thankful I was until the moment I write this entry.
For my sisters, losing a 'lepak member' would be hard for them because we only have a small circle of good sisters that consists of my biological sister, my cousins and BFF. There are only few of us in the circle and ‘losing’ even 1 person would mean so much to us. I am indeed a sister who never said no when invited to jalan2 or makan2. I feel bad that I am unable to be a loyal member of lepak & curhat anymore. My time is now limited. My precious time is now divided. And I find it very hard to really spare any free time with them anymore. And I do it all out of respect.
As a loyal listener to my family and friends, I find it a bit awkward when I rarely got time to spend with them. Because I used to think that, they are all I have in this world. The one fantasy world I thought a Fatin would stay until the rest of her life. Because I used to believe that I will be spending most of my time with them if I never got to find my Mr Right.
To be honest, it's not easy to move on from the life you used to live for almost 30 years and adapt to the new life that is very different. I grew up in the same house for almost 30 years and my family took care of me throughout the 5 stages of my life. That makes the process of adapting to my married life a little bit not-easy for me. I'm not saying that it's hard but it just felt different from what I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy adapting and learning but memories keep on holding me back and I'm always missing things and my parents. I got the habit of throwing back memories that I kept in my phone gallery. I captured all those photos to remind me the good times and to remind myself that life was beautiful and I will treasure them forever. I'm still trying my best to be adapted to my new life. I really put effort in everything that I do but I still find myself awful. I’m lacking in many things because I’m still looking for a chance to upgrade myself and do better things than I used to. There are just too many things I still haven’t learned and things I wanna learn in life.
I treasured every little things in my life so much. I enjoy having time to spend with closest family and friends. I enjoy trying out new things, new menus, morning-walks, night-walks and et cetera. In other words, I enjoy walking aimlessly, because I just want to enjoy my precious time and do whatever things that I can as long as there is still a chance and time to do it. Without planning and prior arrangement. I appreciate my time so much to the point that I am more than willing to stay awake at early morning just to watch the sunrise and go for morning walk, or sleep late at night to go for night walk while enjoying an ice-cream at town.
Dealing with difficult emotions is hard. It's even harder when the world I live in now feeling different. My only regret is when I realized that I did not really appreciate my family members' kind gestures and words before I got married. The small small things they did for me are blessings. Blessings that I really missed. People may think that I am always in a bad mood and ranting, but I'm actually speak with pent-up frustration that caused by my daily-life-events. And every time this kinda thing happen, I will ended up crying because I feel very bad for them.
We used to live a ‘little-hard’ life before 20th century. Most of the days my mother will cook our meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My mother will always offer her portion for us to make sure everything is enough for her husband and children. She always offer me the best part of any dishes before I start eating and I missed it so much. There is this one moment that I still clearly remember when we share 1 packet of sausages for the whole family. The portion will be divided evenly no matter you’re adult or kids. My parents always make sure that the foods are enough for us siblings. My mother still practice the same thing until now. I missed those foods especially when it is raining, because it brings back all the memories we spent together as a family. We will watch movies together when it is raining and my mother will cook or prepare something as our snacks. Life is wonderful when you live it moderately with nice surroundings.
I am not saying that my parents spoiled me and my siblings with foods. I still remember my mother once said that we could eat anything, provided we study and work hard to earn our own money to pay back the hard times which we went through. Now, we did it all the time. Buying foods and have it together with the others feeling so nice and beautiful to me. Still and always.
I always feel hesitate to buy anything for myself since I got my first salary, but when it comes to foods, we will always think of the others. We will always buy an extra packs for the others. We were trained to share what we have with the other family members. We can now eat anything we craved using our earned money. Some of the times I will get mad whenever my siblings overbought foods, but I know they went through the hard times longer than me. And it makes me feel that I have no right to hold back what their wants. Hihi.
I do not know why I suddenly have the thought of writing this entry, but I missed the small small things ever since I stepped into this new world. Where I am still adapting and adjusting my lifestyle and trying to make it balance enough for me to feel okay. But the thought of what my parents did will always come through my mind and make me sad enough to shed tears.
I feel blessed that I still have them and an understanding husband, Mr M.
Love, FN
April 19, 2022
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OUR LIVES CHANGED
Things will never be the same again, or will they?
Hello. I’m back from a long long long rest. I took months to rest and recover from the laziness to write something on you, ES. I had realized that I don’t always have to push myself to be so emotional and write something on you because I have finally found a healthy balance and enjoy my life like most people usually do for the past 1 fantastic year. I enjoy going out, step back and take care of myself knowing that I still have a few ppl who really care about me. Life is still good and I appreciate it so much. Those moments of self care will add value and energy to everything that I do everyday.
Many things has changed. We will never do fun things the same way again. Years passing and people aging. We wasted so much time on worrying about things that we cannot handle. Things that beyond our control. And the sad thing is, to wave goodbye to our bucket list of things to do before turning 20, 30, 40 n the list goes on. With all birthdays and the months leading up to it, I’ve actually found myself slowly walking my way through that list, but for now, it would be good if I just let it neatly stored in someplace, safe and sound.
Or should I just start to prepare post-Covid bucket list? The places we’ll go and all the activities we have always wanted to do since last year. I keep thinking about all those bits of joy we’ve acquired out of this crisis. Alhamdulillah for everything. By all rights, there should be a long-list of things we should do when everything is back to normal, if possible. Or maybe we should have just narrow down our demands to whatever bit of light is right in front of us now which is to appreciate the small small things.
FN,
September 15, 2021
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THANK YOU ENTRY TO THE BEST PERSON I MET IN 2020
Thank you for being the best boyfriend that I could ever ask for. In case you need a reminder, I'm writing this entry for you to read whenever you doubt me because I don't always say these sweet little things HAHA. I wouldn't ask for anyone better to be my sayang and I hope that I tell you enough because it's important to know that you're appreciated by someone, at least by me. HEHE.
Thank you for being okay and accepting my quirks and all the weird things about me and also thanks for not getting annoyed with me (I know you've tried not to) and for understanding that it's hard for me to help myself when TOTM comes.
Thank you for making sure I'm okay and hardly getting angry at me for any of my unacceptable behaviors. I know sometimes I can be a lot to handle when it comes to my TOTM. Sometimes I don't even know how to handle myself but you always trying your best to cheer me up and that means more to me than you could even know.
Thank you for giving advises with everything I do. Thank you for communicating with me whenever you're free, before and after work, and even before and after goodnight sleep. For sending me cute texts to start my working days.
Thank you for making an effort to know everything about me and for randomly saying “I love you” while you’re half asleep and snoring out of the blue while I was talking (selalu gilak).
Thank you for treating me with kind words good food and stuff I never thought people would give me. You have no idea how much I appreciate you and the little things you do and for your understanding (that I will be in a bad mood once in a while). Thank you for calling me out when I’m wrong.
Thank you for everything Masran Bin Mustapha. I love you so much more than just to the moon and back!
December 31, 2020
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2021
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SMALL THINGS THAT CAN CREATE BIG SCENE
I used to felt inadequate and not good in anything, or enough for anyone. I put so much thoughts of having a serious conversation about my confusions with anyone because I don’t really think that serious conversations are need to be talked. Some are better left unsaid. And from there, I might be able to create less conflicts and maybe what some people told me is right- maybe I should set aside my insecurities and no longer assume that most people will do the exactly same thing like some people in my life did.
I’ve been tolerating many kind of things that people have said to me. About works, friendship, relationship, family and many others. It’s tiring but I have no regrets. Maybe that’s the reason why certain people always treat me like I’ll be okay overnight and as if everything is totally fine with me. Because I don’t really say no and it’s all just to avoid conflicts. And I always trying to make everyone happy with me, being the usual me, as best as I could. And when anyone gets upset over something bcs of me, I might blame myself and take that responsibility to find the solutions even if I said, “I don’t know a thing about it”. I still doing it. Just for my own comfort.
These sort of things is terrible. Worse, I make excuses for anyone’s bad behaviors and stay in denial because I always feel that there’s still some good parts in it that I need to be grateful for. Pathetic. It seems logical to understand that not everything in my life is meant to stay and last forever no matter how hard I try to keep it going with endurance. But that’s no longer a point that I need to highlight. Bcs it’s easier to run into the future with no strings attached. Yes, a fresh start.
Part of the reason why K-dramas (tiber kdrama) is so fun to watch is the presence of the leads and the overall stories that are based on false reality, but it gives me something to believe in, when everything inside feels empty HAHAHA. These kind of stories romanticize and normalize the fact that I have to go thru a phase in my life where I need to wait for someone to come and tell me to hold on until the day they show up again in my life, because we thought they will. That’s the worst. Allowing someone to always hold a piece of our hearts is just a catastrophe. You’re so funny!
But sometimes I just wanna watch it and be happy for the fictional leads because it’s just what I need ATM. Entertainments. For someone who feels so empty on the inside but rich and happy on the outside. LOL. Life isn’t meant to be that hard and we shouldn’t waste our times just to endure the hurt a little longer. Release your confusions, regrets and dilemmas and notice how the fake world looks like from the k-dramas. HAHAHA.
It has been years since I look back and try my hardest not to think about it. The regrets. The mistakes I made in choosing. The people I hurt. The people I lost. I don’t exactly know where it ends. People might be thinking that, how does it matter? How does my past and the people in it slowly made the present me looks miserable about everything. It does. It matters so much to me. I don’t hold onto the memories or the people in it but the lessons. I have tried to remind myself that I don’t need to be someone from my past. That stupid person is long gone.
But I know that I need to be gentle to myself and hope for the best things to happen even though it seems impossible. I did the best I could do and I am now a little bit different because of my past self. I learned from everything that I’ve gone thru. I should be thankful. And I forgive myself for believing that the unhappy things was the only thing that was around me at that time. I didn’t know better because I hold onto it way too much. So pathetic.
In many ways, I grow tired of playing pretend and seeking one-sided relationship. I grow tired of trying to make someone else happier and putting myself in a level where I cannot even hurt someone else’s feelings. I got stuck daydreaming about all the things I hoped for and to think that I have to be thankful for whoever that came and stayed. Rubbish. That is when I realized that I don’t really convinced that everything happens for a reason and that I always have to apologize even if I’m the victim? Bcs I’m not good enough.
Feeling so pathetic. But hey! Let’s end it here. I am no longer want this. To have my T filled with pitiful entries bcs I write this entry just to sum up everything that has happened throughout the past few years in my life and that I need to stop freaking out about wasting my time bcs of these useless things. Bcs yes, everything happens at its right time.
I never thought anyone would come until I met you. I just want to thank this special someone who takes care of me like my parents did (so far, hewhew). This year may not be the best year for all of us, but at least I met you. ILY M! ❤️
October 15, 2020
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ADIEU
“When you let go, you create space for better things to enter your life”
For so long, I was somewhere in the world where I didn’t belong. Sleeping with the thoughts and things I couldn’t change or be sure about. And trying so hard to say “I’ll be okay and make it through another night”. Because that’s what most people do when they don’t know what to do or where to go. I just hold on to the things that seems like destined for me when in fact, I’m not sure about it. It goes on and on for quite a long time until I decided to leave it as it is.
Some part of the stories in my life has given me some directions. It’s actually difficult to be clear about who I am when I’m carrying around the baggage from the past lessons. Maybe this is what people means, that one of the happiest moments in our lives is when we find the courage to let go of what we can’t change. For example, me being the weird me is something that I cannot leave behind. LOL.
October 2, 2020
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MY PERSONAL LIFE ADVISER
I have so many mixed emotions, I’m happy I’m sad I’m confused I feel sick and excited at the same time. To be honest, I never know where I stand in people’s life, because some used to treat me like I’m special then the next minute like I’m nothing. HAHA. Too afraid to get to know someone. I feel like I don’t belong to anyone (memanglah) and I’m good and happy enough by myself. LOL. And I don’t like the idea of getting so attached to anyone because I can get emotionally too attached with certain people in my life. Not until…
Few months ago, I met this person and all the things about him is very pleasing. HAHA. I tried to be a good friend and keep the conversation going and one thing that I like about this thing is the familiar feeling. It feels like I’ve known him for years and having someone that you can share a lot of stories, opinions, speaking up and asking questions is something that I like about this thing. Because I like random conversations and people asking me random questions.
It’s actually funny how the person who was once a stranger, suddenly becomes so attached to your life in just a few months. This happened when I suddenly said “Okay, I can meet this person because he seems like insisted on meeting me” when there’s blablabla asking me the same thing. I truly don’t have any specific reasons for doing so. NO. I didn’t choose. It just happened. And the weird thing is, that’s something I don’t ever liked to do.
How strange and rare it is to have this kind of person to walk into my life when I decided to leave all the unclear things behind. The unclear things that I have been keeping for quite a long time and the fact that I have actually given up on it because it’s too kepak to do all the repetitive shits all around without direction. Yes, without any directions.
Before I met this person (the one I had mentioned in para 2), I was as lost as a person could be, and I started to living my boring life by faking a relationship with someone, someone whom I can call a stranger because we’re not really a friend for each other, we met by an accident thru a family member. I turned myself into a chat-bot and we shared some of the things with each other but there’s still boundaries that I can’t allow him to cross. I must say that itsa very weird relationship and I kind of regret it. Not until I started to realize that I don’t wanna have something like this going on in my life because it’s unhealthy and I know we all just using each other and I don’t know if I can survive having a very longgggg and cold distance relationship.
Just when I’m about to leave all these weird kinda things behind, I’m giving up with everything and hoping none of that shit will comes back and bites me. I mean the lessons learned. I hope someone would come and save me at that time. And not long after, someone came and save me. HAHA. I don’t think that he knows about this but he saved me from involve myself with someone fake. And I’m really, really thankful for that. Thank you so much my personal life adviser! I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!
Life is short, they said. Spend it with people who make you laugh and feel loved. The moment I tell myself that I don’t want to ever go back to the past and I want to stay away from some negative people in my life and continue to living a moderate and happy life is when I realize that HE plans in my favors. And this person included. And somewhere in the middle, I am deeply thankful and blessed to have you, M.
September 19, 2020
12.47am
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TOTM
Many of us admit that we get a little more unstable at a certain TOTM. PMS is a collection of emotional disorder and physical symptoms that usually starts a week before the TOTM. One minute we feel okay, then quite happy, feeling anxiety the next minute, then something really minor can leaves us feeling way too oversensitive. If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left out or to have someone to cheer you up? The old version of me would prefer to have someone to cheer me up but the current version of me would prefer to be left out when I’m in a bad mood because I don’t want my mood to have impact on others but being alone also don’t solve problems. How la? Bingung gue.
-TBC and TBE
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CONTROLLING EGO
Ego is destructive. Too much ego can actually ruins our lives. And to me, it’s something that we shouldn’t keep too high or else, it pushes people away from us. Too much ego can also be a conversation killer in a relationship. Been there and done that for few times. And now, I don’t think I should let it pushes the right ones away from me. I just want to learn and grow up and let life be interesting for me and my loved ones.
It only adds more stress and kills our happiness. I don’t want to ever go back to my past self but thanks everyone for putting in efforts and works to get me where I am right now. If I let my ego runs back and forth, I won’t be able to deal with the disappointments in a healthy way. In anything. I just want to focus on my efforts to work this out because I’m enough with crying in random places just because I never feel just a little bit special to anyone. Never.
I wasn’t looking when I met certain people in my life but some of them turned out to be everything I was looking for. It’s fun when you hanging out with someone who excites you. Someone who didn’t really challenge you but brought fun whenever you don’t feel good about everything. And someone who care enough about me and find a way to make the friendship or relationship work.
Things will change when we reach adulthood and it might take a great deal of efforts to control our ego. It’s hard but I slowly learn to let it flow as it is. I want this to lasts because the suspense is terrible. It’s not gonna be easy because we’re gonna have to work at this every day. We’re gonna talk about things, the good and bad, build trusts, be there for one another. Appreciate the flaws. Appreciate each other. Appreciate the timing and everything. And leave the past to the past.
Thanks for existing, for showing up, for sticking around, and for making my journey to work feel less lonely now and for everything else. I must have done something extra big right to feel blessed like this. HIHI!
August 3, 2020
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MEETING POINT
We are taking steps everyday to get to where we want to be, and it’s enough. It’s always enough. I have always think that I will never be good enough in anything or for anyone. And some people are actually afraid of being too happy because they think something tragic will happen soon and I’m one of them.
I don’t want to live my life with insecurities. If I keep running back to the same people I need to walk away from, I will never create space for better things to arrive. I never realized and I keep wondering what am I supposed to feel if better person had arrived. For me, feeling familiar on someone you just met might not always be a good thing. And the fact that I have to avoid things from getting serious in any way possible.
I always act as if what I do to people make a difference. And positive energy attract positive outcomes and trust me, it does. I met a lot of people but I never felt strangely comfortable with someone that I just met and it turned out great. Clicked like I have never clicked with anyone and the feeling around us felt really exciting and positive?
It was about the immense connection and I could somehow trust that person and feel lucky to have a super supportive and loving friend at the same time. HAHA. And having someone I can laugh and be weird with is a bonus. Someone that not only gets my weird sense of humor but brave enough to point out the fact that sometimes it’s not even funny at all.
Never have I thought someone would see me in their life and have more in their mind for the outcome of the friendship and the fact that they see me as a part of their future and not just a spectator or someone unworthy. However, it is such a bless to have a friend who actively takes an interest and genuinely learning about me. My plans, my family, my aspiration, my insecurities, almost everything.
Have you ever experienced thing like, you meet this person and at first you hardly pay any attention to them because you have gotten so used to your current self. But as you get to know them, you notice yourself falling and all of a sudden, they are the most beautiful and fine person you have ever met. It just kind of……..happened. And, I want it to lasts because it scares me how temporary everything is.
I was pranked. And congrats for staying! 🙄
June 30, 2020
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WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU NEVER THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD SAY TO YOU?
I went silent on social media (some of it) because there are some of the things that I really wanted to avoid since years ago. I love being able to share and being responsive but it’s difficult if you’re gonna have trust issue with people. ALL THE TIME. I could say that I’m not a pro when it comes to faking response. It’s always been really awful and I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I did it anyways.
The fact is that a lot of people find themselves in a relationship without the definition. You like the other person and you think they likes you too but it’s not an actual relationship. I allow my soul to rest for quite a long time until I decided to involve in this kind of shit last year just because I wanna give it a try. I just wanna share some of the things and let people know that I exist. That’s my biggest regret so far.
It’s a weird relationship where you will reach the point of asking yourself “Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?”. It’s a simple thing and the truth is, it isn’t. Still, he doesn’t want to let you go. And you want things to change, but you can’t make someone to be honest with you. The issue isn’t with you, but it’s with him.
Simply, they have no idea what they want and this goes beyond what they want in life and some of them don’t know what they want in life AT ALL, and it makes the relationship even more confusing. They aren’t sure what’s going on and you may not be the front-runner.
On the other hand, I never thought someone would try to know me and say “I like you and I want us to be more than just a friend” in a really, really proper way? HAHAHA. It happened. I laughed.
I need to overcome the fear of getting too close, and start to appreciate them for who they are. Because I’ve gotten so used to and comfortable to have said “I’m not into commitments” a million hundred times, and the fact that I have mentally blocked myself from getting attention from people. Because I used to the phrase “I will never be The One” and that’s so fine.
A person came into my life unassumingly, swiftly, with a quiet confidence contrast to the durjanas that I used to know. It feels soooo weird when someone said, they just feel the need to know ME among the other bunch of people. Why me lah? HAHAHA. ❤️❤️❤️
June 9, 2020
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FINDING THE RIGHT WORDS
Hello there! It’s been a long time since I last wrote something on you ES. MCO is still going on for the 3rd month (for me) and I’m still work from home happily because I can spend my weekdays with the loved ones. HAHA.
I have a lot of things to say about what has happened throughout the MCO period but seriously I don’t know where to start and how to say it. It is too difficult for me to explain. I need to find the right words but I’m just too lazy and tired.
Too many unexpected events and I couldn’t talk about it with my fav circle because we cannot even go out for lepak and have a chat over coffee like we used to before MCO period.
TBC because I’m too tired. Update: TBC mission aborted. TUTUP!
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HELLO APRIL!
Day 29. Movement Control Order (MCO) enters its third phase today. And I still don’t feel the excitement of staying at home. Got too many works yet very little access to do it. I just feel like to spend couple of days in the office because these days it feels so bland and empty. And I don’t know why. Hmm.
Should I just make more food-making videos or apa? I really don’t know. I'm just grateful to be able to spend all day every day with my parents. Worrying keeps me awake last night and having a half-remembered dream (this is so sudden and weird). But I woke up to a nice little surprise this morning. I’m not gonna say what it is but part of me just getting a tiny little thing off my worries. And I appreciate that. Loving these small little things that might go unnoticed is-so-me.
So yah bye!
April 16, 2020 (past midnight)
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ONE OF THE HARDEST BATTLES IN LIFE
Sometimes the hardest battle in your life is against yourself. It is between what you know in your mind and what you feel in your heart. At some point, you have to make a decision, and boundaries between us and the people around us is what always keep people OUT from our lives. We waste our lives drawing lines AND crossing them.
“I don’t think you will notice that I’m sad”
Some friends said “Always go for someone who is always proud of you, I don’t want you to live your life with insecurities”. But no matter how hard and difficult it was, I always feel like a failure. In all ways. But one thing I realized is that everything happens for a reason and I could see the true mark of maturity is when somebody (whether they are friends or more than that) hurts you and you try to understand them instead of trying to hurt them back.
But the evil side of me always said, if you can’t be adult enough to explain why you’re being the way you are, don’t expect me to work it out for you. I’ve had enough of bullshit. I’m just being good to people and treat they right. What’s the point of doing the right thing and being a good person when people still pointing at you even when you’re the victim. I just don’t know.
“I’m not okay but I’m trying to be fine”
So many heavy untold thoughts. I’ve tried to hide the sadness cause no one cares. I’m not at that level where people can read my mind and ask me if I’m okay. I know that I need to close the door and accept everything. Not because I was wrong, but because I gave it to people who couldn’t understand it.
I want them to be in it. Should I give up on something that is impossible? I just want someone to be honest with me. Is that too much to ask for?
April 1, 2020
Wednesday
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