fatouseckcreates - Tumblr blog

[fatouseckcreates]

💖💕💚

Dewenetileen. Balma ak balnala 🤲🏾🤝🏾🙏🏾🐏

Tabaski in Tungeeg with my namesake's family.

[fatouseckcreates]

Artists have a lot of feelings.

So I wanted to talk about my feelings for a bit. Ive been going to therapy (inconsistently) but the volume I need I just dont have the funds to afford it lol. SO I decided to come on here and ramble for a minute. Ive been having a bad couple of weeks, a bad few months, the last few years haven’t been too great either, if we’re being honest. Thats not to say that I haven’t received some amazing blessings throughout that time. I absolutely have. But I’ve been going through such a dramatic growth period some parts of this journey have felt overwhelming. 

Thinking about freedom, personal choices, self acceptance, what is objectively right? Does that matter, when people are not meant to live objective lives? Life is subjective by nature we are meant to have very different experiences. So I wanna talk to yall and encourage myself to be a bit more free and more accepting of myself.

Pandemic aside, so many of us have been going through traumas, huge endings, beginnings, while still trying to remain present in the world. After all the changes I went through I had to look at myself and say wow, you have changed. And part of this change is exactly what you asked for. Exactly what you prayed for. But it doesn’t look the way you thought it would so now you feel like its a punishment. Right?

I had a talk with myself, because I was in a situation recently where I felt like I was done so wrong, and I lashed out. And later regretted it because I felt like even though my feelings were justified I should not have responded in a hurtful way if I wanted to be received and just continue having a conversation that ends in changed behavior or some kind of resolution. No matter who anybody else is, I should always remember my principles and treat people how I want to be treated. If I am the one causing the confusion or the pain and someone is telling me their experience I dont want to shouted at bombarded etc so give people what you expect from them, right? Even if I dont get it back all the time thats the standard I try to hold for myself because I want to be someone who treats people with integrity.

And as I replayed this last conversation over and over in my mind and how I wish I would’ve spoken differently I start to take it even further back. What was the root of my anger? Why did I go off like that in THIS particular moment, when all up til now I had been able to contain my anger in a way that was not an attack. So I took it back even further. Waaaay back. To last year back. And I started to look at things from the other person’s perspective. WHYYY did they think this was ok? Why did they move like that?

In the midst of my outburst I told this person dont act like a victim. Which is essentially what I was doing. And because the basis of me and this person’s friendship was literally that we have so much of the same experiences, so much of the same heartbreak and so many of the same trauma responses, I  had to look again. I obsessively replayed the conversation in my head. I listened to their voice their words and I knew that I fucked up. 

Me, I’m the one who cries anytime I have to talk about my feelings. I wasn’t always like this. IN fact, I wouldn’t know what I was like before because I never spoke about my feelings. All of this was new for me. But I appreciated this person because they wouldn’t let me go without speaking my mind. So I forced myself to get comfortable telling my truth. But yeah, so now I am a giant cry baby. I have accepted it. Its my new thing, as a result of all the bullshit I been holding in. All the things Ive been trying to deal with on my own that have not amounted to any sufficient healing, just a little bandaid here and there. Maybe I will always have those scars? Maybe one day they won’t creep up on me when im trying to speak on something else. Hurt is not logical, pain is not logical, but it is mathematical. It adds up, multiplies itself.  The more you pile on top of it, the more you try to suffocate it ,it will turn around and swallow you up. It will totally consume you during conversations that have very little to do with it. 

Here I was, feeling that I had been done wrong after wrong after wrong because I wasn’t getting my way. Because I couldn’t manipulate the situation. Because I couldn’t deny the situation. What I wanted was essentially to live in my own world where I get to be happy because I get what I want. Because I felt like there’s nooo way im going through 3 straight years of bullshit and then I STILL end up with a shitty ending there just no way God would do me like that? Me, your homegirl?? Your beloved daughter? 

I put myself in their shoes. From the very beginning of this misunderstanding. Last year. I replayed all our old conversations. What went right. What I was thinking, what they were thinking. What I wasn’t saying, what they weren’t saying. What they did say that I wasn’t listening to. And I remembered being in a state of denial. Not wanting to make a final decision. Feeling caught in between 2 difficult choices where I felt like I was betraying people who were loyal to me, potentially fucking up life long relationships, to take a chance on something that felt right in the moment. I was frozen. I was prepared to wait it out until a decision just kind of made itself. Because I was afraid of making the wrong choice. Afraid of being ostracized. Afraid of people gossiping about me. Afraid of being messed up to someone who was there for me when I felt alone. I was afraid to break a promise. I froze. And while I was frozen pretending that I had all the time in the world, they were waiting on me to make a choice. And when I wouldn’t, they decided for themself. As most self respecting people would. But for me, this was a huge betrayal. And another layer to add to my drawer of L’s. While I was enjoying their company using it as an escape from the unhappiness and the grief that was swallowing me up, they were feeling like I would never make a decision. Like they would be caught in the wind waiting forever. When they brought it to my attention. I froze, again. Didn’t know what to say. I was leaning towards a decision, but again, wanted to be super super sure so I didn’t say much. I didn’t say what I should’ve. And because I decided to hold back, to be intentionally unclear,  they decided their best course of action was to move forward without me. 

While this was being communicated to me I did not understand that they were telling me “I am moving on from this because it is painful and I no longer wish to be in pain. I am avoiding any more hurt. I am giving up on you because you cannot make a definitive choice about me.” I thought once again I could sweep the conversation under the rug until I was ready to speak. Me, I need time to formulate my thoughts. Especially where feelings are concerned. Off the top of my head I DO NOT KNOW. I have to put them together. I have to make them make sense I have to break every single thing down because I am so afraid of being wrong. And I was still wrong lol. 

This was the beginning of sooooo much pain for me. And the heaviness sat right on top of my chest, and wound itself up in the pit my stomach, and took all the other fucked up feelings and made this poisonous cocktail of insecurity, betrayal, confusion, regret, anger, toxicity. And this person, being who they were, believing that they were doing a noble, kind thing by helping me through my hurt, wanted to take responsibility for my feelings. To continue “fixing” me. (Maybe their lesson was that you can’t fix people?) Now, mind you, this whole time I had been receiving messages to let this situation go. Almost daily. But!! I refused. Because how tf was I gonna let go the only person in my life who was consistently providing me a safe space to be EXACTLY who I am. I was not willing to let that go because in my mind I would never feel this safe again. I would never feel this free again. Me who has perfected so well the art of compartmentalizing my life so that no one person knows every thing about me. I was felt comfortable to show up as myself, warts and all. And it felt GOOOD. To be seen, heard, understood. It felt amazing and I held on so fucking tight believing that THEY were the reason I had some relief from feeling fucked up all the time. When the wholesome this freedom was a choice I could have been making all along. But thats for another day. 

And I took this hurt and rationalized it and told myself that I would still be able to have the ending I wanted, the one I came up with in my mind. And so I held on to that. As they were moving further from our shared history I was holding tighter. And as I clenched tighter the hurt multiplied. The WHY ME’S? What did I do wrong? Without actually believing I had done anything wrong. Without truly understanding that just because I had certain intentions doesn’t mean that everyone will go along with your plan, even if they are your friend and they like you. I thought how can someone who cares about me treat me this way? How can this person know exactly what the fuck I been through and continue treating ME this way? He wasn’t treating me anyway, he was moving forward from a potentially painful situation. I felt like I was supposed to fight. Fight to earn this love. Fight to earn this friendship, fight to keep them around because losing them felt scarrrrrry. And every time this person moved on with THEIR reality I took it personally, it felt like a shot straight to my heart. And I kept explaining myself explaining myself because thats what I didn’t do before right? So maybe if I explain myself now I can talk my way out of this. Maybe I can get my way. I gave up on having my way after a while. It was becoming too toxic. They, wanted to remain friends. Because how could this person live with themselves believing they caused me so much pain. That was their bandaid. I thought I could fix things by explaining my feelings. They thought they could fix it all by offering ”friendship”. Friendship at this point was an insult because how dare you love me so intensely and then take it away, and go on parading your new happy life in my face as if im supposed to congratulate you. Alhough this concept of going BACK to being “friends” was not something I wanted to do, for me to be the one to cut everything off and have them now heartbroken and upset didn’t sit right with me. So I stayed around.  And I never took the time to look at the situation from any standpoint where I was not the victim. 

I knew they were hurt, but no one was hurt more than me. No one had suffered more than me. No one had given more than me. No one was willing to sacrifice more than me. And I wore that as a badge of honor but thinking back, it was too little too late. It was hurt I caused myself. I sacrificed myself, and to what avail? No one asked me to. I was afraid of going back to crippling loneliness, feeling boxed in from other ppls expectations. They were afraid of the same. We went about it in two different ways and this is the truth I have to accept. He was not wrong. He was so afraid to hurt me anymore that he just played along hoping one day I would be better, while he continued to live his life. And I was MADDDD that he could try to live his life separate from me. 

The moral of the story is, your feelings are valid. Your hurt, anger pain is valid. But sometimes the villain of the story is not them. Sometimes you are your own villain. Sometimes you cause your own mess and that still doesn’t make you a bad person. 

Everybody has skeletons. No one is perfect. No one is above being judged. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop living your life for fear other ppl will not understand your motivation. Life is for the living.

[fatouseckcreates]

Merry Christmas from Dakar!

[fatouseckcreates]

I performed live at the VMA's!

The experience was incredible.

Two friends reached out to me via ig to tell me about the audition earlier that day. And as we waited for more details I started to internally freak out because the only description available publicly was that we'd be performing at an awards show that following weekend. Despite being a professional, trained to follow choreography and retain it quickly I was seriously questioning my ability to learn movement on Thursday and execute to perfection that Sunday. My memory is not what it used to be lol. The permanent mental fog I live in these days is astounding. And while I was super excited to get the first details I was 100% planning to keep it to myself until I was locked in for the gig just so I don't jinx myself. You know how that goes, when you talk yourself out of an opportunity instead of just putting your nose to the ground. I'm the queen of keeping stuff to myself, to my detriment even lol. But I was so nervous, I didn't know what I should wear, or how to show up, basically how to prepare for an audition like this. I never auditioned for a professional gig in my life. I had always been chosen based off of what people had already seen or connected through friends. And while I never doubted my ability, I had huge doubts about the best way to present myself. I tried to recall what my best friend since childhood told me about how the hairstyle in your headshots have to be the same as your hair on audition day and how different artists go for different looks, so essentially you have to come in looking like you have the job right? Dear God I was confused! Me, an African dancer of all my life this was the only professional world I knew. No one there ever asked for a special hairstyle or style of dress. You just come and dance.

I finally gave in and just asked like girl WTF DO I WEAR?! HOW SHOULD I PUT MY HAIR etc etc, and at that point it would have been a bit ridiculous for me not to send her the audition details too. Since we've been dancing together since the 4 or 5th grade lol. My mom was her first African dance teacher.

Both of us feeling rusty and somewhat unprepared we waited for the audition info. Preparing mentally to wake up for an early audition the next day, and then BAM! With Bout 30 minutes on the clock I got the text that the audition wa actually a video freestyling African moves to a current hip hop song.

Oh god. Hip hop?? I'm young but the only thing in my Spotify rotation is mbalax and the instrumentals I use to teach. If it's not Cardi B I probably can't name it. OK quick! Google current hip hop that's not Up by Cardi B. Mmmm, this is not moving me how I need to be moved. Shit. Quick! Cardi it is! Damn, what moves show me in performance mode, high energy, clean technique? Don't do something cheesy! have fun vibing! Give the people a show! Turn up your guewel persona. Give them drama! You👏🏾 are 👏🏾Mame 👏🏾Adji 👏🏾let's gooooo 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾! I tried to hype myself up so my confidence was visibly higher than my nerves.

With about 5 minutes left to send in my video before the deadline of 10pm EST, the perfectionist in me had to keel over and just give it to God. I cringed thinking of all the errors caught in 4k in this very raw recording I never wanted to look at again, recorded in the teeny tiny space in my bedroom. And with my finger freshly fractured I was also sporting a big ugly splint that I hoped wasn't completely noticeable. Or rather I was hoping my dancing stood out in spite of it. Flinging it around like that was probably not the best thing for me to do at the time but opportunity was knocking! What kind of fool would I be to not answer the door?! While I did feel somewhat good about my video I was still prepared to take the L and never speak of this moment again. You can only imagine my shock when the very next day I received an email that I was chosen to perform live with Busta Rhymes! I screamed! I couldn't believe my eyes. Me???? Yall want me?! Im good enough?! Well alright then!

Over the next three days we rehearsed rehearsed rehearsed. And so much had changed from rehearsal day 1 to the final version; it shook me a little. And while I felt humbled to say I worked with these decorated industry choreographers, in a room full of my peers in the dance community I still had to question if I was here to fill a space or what. It seemed that the other dancers in the room already shared a rapport from working on other projects together hanging out in the same scene, taking classes and visiting conferences together or whatever, and then there was me. And while I knew most of them, I wouldn't necessarily consider myself in anyone's social circle. As the days got on and choreography was edited, moves were tweaked, spots were changed. As is completely normal in any creative space. Constant revision. Constantly adjusting. Some people were moved around, but me, I remained in the back. For every formation from day 1, to day 3. At first I attributed it to a random selection just based off of where we were all standing at the time, and then making up transitions on the spot. I've done it in my classes. I know it couldn't have been because I was towering over all the other dancers at a mere 60 inches tall. Was it my finger? Is it my execution? My facial expressions? You dont like my technique? Is it cus I forgot the a step or two? Is it because they dont know me? My performance ability? What about my energy is not giving?? Am I not "hip hop" enough? Is it because I'm rounder than the other girls? Do I not have "the look"? I quietly racked my brain because I do know that . Day 1 I was just happy to be there. By day 2, it felt personal lol. in my mind, if I could have answered why I was put in the back I could learn from it. But this was not one of those teachable moments. I circled so much in my mind it brought me back to that rut where I was feeling like I wasn't doing enough, wasn't creating enough, falling out of love with my art, just going through the motions completely unmotivated and largely unseen.

I mentioned it to my friend and she assured me it was probably nothing and regardless of who was in the back we were all hand picked for this performance, all 8 of us. I put my questions away for the time being and just tried to be fully present in what was left of the entire process. BecauE while I did feel bad temporarily I could still recognize the blessing that was before me. On the day of, I came in ready to do whatever it takes. Just the right amount of nervous. Just the right amount of chatty, Just the right amount of to myself. All in all, I did well and Im super proud of myself. I performed with Busta Rhymes!! I danced right next to Lil Nas X sitting in the audience. And I can't wait to do it again. God's willing, one day I'll be back as the choreographer.

[fatouseckcreates]

Since I've come back from Senegal, I've been watching a wwwhole lot of Senegalese dramas on YouTube. Shout out to modern technology! Among my favorite titles, Mattraisse d'un Homme Marié, Famille Senegalaise, Diabarou Gorgui, and I have a few more in my line up that I'll get started on once my main shows go on break. In between sopping up the drama, ranting about nonsensical storylines, and obsessively texting friends about the misdeeds of certain characters, (that damn Sokhna Bator!) these shows have been helping me learn and practice my Wolof. I've been building up my vocabulary, grammar, listening skills, and its been awesome, and very entertaining. I have a long list of words and phrases that I can refer to should ever need to look up what a word means, or how to respond to a certain question. I've even learned a few insults I'm sure will come in handy because you know people always want to see how far they can get away with when they know you not from around here. Im from Brooklyn ok lol. But it's just for reference, though. I'm generally not in the business of insulting people. However, not being able to express when you're feeling upset in a way that others can comprehend absolutely will take a toll on you. Un addition to being a perfect recipe for folks to take advantage, its like being a toddler again with no vocabulary to name your feelings. You know how you feel but no one else does, because you dont have the words. Just awful.

And as I've been learning more language what stands out to me is that in order to speak Wolof like a Senegalese person, or even Spanish like a Spanish speaking person, basically any language you learn, it requires a certain shift in your personality. A cultural shift if you will. Personally I believe I've been the same person all my life. All 29 years. Of course I have gained a lot of knowledge from age 0 til now, but Fatou has always been Fatou. Sometimes I come across old journals, or homework from my grade school days, and I think wow, 10 year old Fatou is spitting facts! So for me now at my big age to be trying on a new personality felt really....inauthentic. But to knowingly give less than 100% to practicing a language I fully intend to one day be fluent in also felt a bit dishonest and largely counterproductive. So where do we go from here? Among these personality changes, be more humble, more sweet, soft, but also more dramatic, expressive if you will. And when someone messes with you, more aggressive, otherwise you won't be taken seriously. And make sure you point your finger when you really mean business. Or else it didn't happen!

As it turns out learning Wolof became another opportunity to examine my mannerisms. It forced me to be more quiet, because I had to listen more than I spoke. It forced me to ask more questions because I needed a lot of help. It forced me to be a different Fatou, a more rounded one. It required me to be more confident, speaking to strangers, going out on my own, talking to taxi drivers or the ticket collectors on the bus. All those moments where I normally wouldn't be. Learning a new language is hard lol. I had to get out of my head for a lot of it and just speak. Something I don't even much like doing in my native tongue. And while trying to adapt my own personality with the personality of this new language there was also a lot of things I just didn't understand. I'm talking about wolof words that I know, put together in a way where there is no direct English equivalent. Eventually I stopped looking for a direct translation for every word and just started listening and responding more without the mental calculations. Ironically, this helped more. I was also surprised at how uncomplicated it felt.

I have so much respect for people who travel to new places speak, and who speak multiple languages. And even more for those who taught themselves. Yall don't get enough credit for being intelligent and you should! One day, mark my words, I'll be fluent too. Just flewing and flowing in my two fluent languages. Until then, back to YouTube University!

[fatouseckcreates]

1:17 am

As an artist, I never don't have ideas. I have notebooks full of idea. Apps full of ideas. My brain never stops moving, the problem is how do I get it to stay in one direction, and not overthink to the point of turning myself around.

For the past 8 or 9 months in particular, I've had 3 ideas that ive been on the verge of starting. And its daunting to know that it could be such a straightforward process yet I keep telling myself I'm not ready I need more time. I've written about this several times. The process of just jumping in, throwing excess caution to the wind, overplaying just to make new decisions in the moment. Its a hurdle I struggle to get over through every time. And not for lack of experience.

When I recognize the feeling, and can be honest about the ways im setting myself back pushing myself further from my vision for myself I have to ask why? What about falling short of perfect is so embarrassing to me as an artist, and as a person?

[fatouseckcreates]

Birthdays are a time to look forward. But y'all know how I do, lol. I always feel like its a time to celebrate surviving last year's trials. So much happens in a year. A month, a day. All I can do is be grateful I made it in one piece, of sound mind (relatively speaking), surrounded by love.

Here's to surviving year 28!

Happy birthday Fatou Seck! And happy Libra season to all.

[fatouseckcreates]

When I write here, it is usually in retrospect - looking back, examining the past. Taking it apart and putting it back together again. I've trained myself so well to be flexible, adaptable, to move with the changes without stopping to panic or acknowledge that I'm uncomfortable. After a while it feels like I'm floating above my own reality, watching myself pretend to be present.

As I review my 2019-2020 and all the changes that took place mentally and emotionally, one thing that troubles me is my dwindling love of dance. There was a time when I would hear drums, see people dancing and instantly be drawn in. Instantly feel excited, my spirit instantly energized. But this past year, there were many times when the excitement was just not there. Whether it was a casual dance circle or a special event or gathering. I really thought I lost my love of dance. Whether it was live dancing in my face or watching videos online. Everything was underwhelming. Initially I chalked it up to this particular style, or this music doesn't move me, or I'm just not in the mood today. But as it became more of a regular response I thought maybe it was a consequence of a lack of natural dopamine. I wish I could be as excited as everyone else. Seems like y'all are have a lot of fun lol.

I could deal with not being excited about partying, various social events, all of the random outings and things to do that normal people seem to find joy in. But how do I deal with falling out of love with my art, the one thing I was sure would always bring me joy in my life? Suddenly the same movements that used to make me feel invincible, now felt like work. What used to inspire me to create my own magic just felt lukewarm. My one and only passion had become blah and that was a hard pill to swallow. I always say, when it comes to what I like, I really like it and what I don't like, I really don't make any room for. Anything that falls in between I just have no feelings about whatsoever. It was so strange that until now I was able to get so much from dance, and now it fell in dangerously close to that in between that grey blah space. Physically, dance strengthened my body. Mentally, it gave me confidence, assurance and a sense of practicality. Dance allowed me an escape from the chaos mind, filling in all the white noise with moments where I could rest my brain and rely on my spirit to take me where I needed to go. Dance connected me to my body. Gave me access to my intensity. She tested my willpower and invited me to my a place inside of myself where I could feel unapologetically free.

Not once did I ever consider this place may not exist for me anymore. But of course, things, and people are always changing, because that is the nature of living. Being alive guarantees that you, and your surroundings will change. What will I do with my life going forward? What is my new passion? Where do I get to feel free? Where do I get to feel happy?

After spending time with my namesake's family in Rufisque, watching Ndeup healing ceremonies, I came to realize the joy I felt before is still there. I still love watching others dance. It still fills my spirit with energy, happiness and a sense of freedom. I realized what I was feeling was a result of getting older, living more life, becoming more aware of the powerful energy exchange that happens between a dancer, the people watching you, the drummers playing for you. I was becoming more sensitive about sharing my joy in said spaces. As any dancer knows, in order to dance there's a certain sense of inner safety that permits you to throw your caution to the wind. It allows you to go full out, to enjoy yourself, to communicate with the entire room. Noticing the difference in how I felt in random dance circles or rehearsals with different groups and the healing ceremonies of my name sake's family I understood that I had not fallen out of love with dance. Instead, what was missing from these spaces was the joy, the good vibes I was used to when dance class and and rehearsals were a family affair. Once I stopped dancing with my parents company, I was always up under my brothers. Konate, Najja, Mohamed, Alpha, Cheikh etc. If I wasn't with my brothers, I was surrounded by my dance sisters, dance moms, aunts etc.

I never fell out of love with dance I just became more sensitive to the energies around me. It doesn't matter if you've been dancing for 10 years or dancing for 10 weeks, when the spirit moves you, and you answer fully, everyone around you can see it and can feel it. Its contagious and the entire room can feel it. When your spirit clicks, you feel it in your entire body you want to get up and you want to move and it makes you want to smile, or furrow your brows, stick your tongue out, nod your head, tap your foot, roll your neck, flip your hair whatever! When it makes you smile to watch other people dance that's how you know the love is still there. Dance is a spiritual exchange no matter how you package it, no matter where you do it. This is a medium by which we can connect the forces around us to the forces within us. It lets us know that there's more to life than this physical human experience.

[fatouseckcreates]

[fatouseckcreates]

Thinking about forgiveness

What it means, what it feels and looks like to be forgiving. People say you need to forgive for your own peace of mind, not to excuse others. While I agree, I usually have trouble wrapping my mind around WHY I should forgive if I cannot reason or justify with the offense in question. Life is full of people and things whose actions will hurt you, intentionally, unintentionally. For many, our instinct is to hold on to these acts of betrayal, remember how awful it felt, obsess over why, proclaim that it will never ever happen again. You may appear to move on, but you wonder why you still dont feel at peace about it. Our trusted advisors, they tell us to forgive. 

How do we forgive, without forgetting? Forgiveness so that we can move on, but remembering so it doesn’t happen again. So we don’t hurt again. Holding onto the grief of betrayal, relationships muddied, soiled by unspoken grievances, passive resentment. If you abandon every person, every relationship that has ever caused you pain, chances are you will end up alone, untrusting of the world, resenting everyone else for not being sensitive to your pain, not acknowledging your humanity, not seeing that you are unwell. And how do you forgive someone who doesn’t see any wrong in their actions? What happens when those who we need to forgive are not sorry? Do we lie to ourselves? He/She really is sorry, they didn’t mean to harm me, they didn’t know what I was experiencing? 

Sometimes people do mean to harm you, and for those people we are still required to forgive. Do you wait days, months, years until they gather some type of remorse? Do you shame them insistently until they break down? Do you leave it to karma? Will saying I forgive you, I forgive me a thousand times make it so? Can I repeat it like a mantra until my heart is calm and quiet?

How do you know you have fully forgiven someone? Is it when you can look them in the face without remembering their trespasses. Is it when you finally trust that the wound is healed, and you can enter into similar situations with confidence that things will turn out different? Or is it a readiness to be bold again?

Perhaps the hardest pill to swallow is that forgiveness is an ongoing cycle in our lives. Theres no one and done. It is something that we are constantly having to do. Because life is offensive, to put it plainly. And sometimes the person we have to constantly forgive is yourself. For some of us, it’s much easier to forgive those outside of ourself, because we can acknowledge that they didn’t know any better. But when it comes to us, ourselves, we are hard and unrelenting, expecting this degree of perfection that we are sure to fall short of, as all humans do. Its like you can’t see why you didn’t do better? We can understand that those who hurt us are human, but when we cause hurt to ourselves its much harder to shake.  

[fatouseckcreates]

Now entering the last days of the holy month of Ramadan, I’m reminded of my last year’s Korite, which I spent with my namesake’s family in Arafat. Though I’d visited the country during Ramadan before this was the first time I spent it from beginning to end. For most of it, I was down. I missed my family and friends. Fumbling through the language barrier, while constantly readjusting to sociocultural differences was kicking my ass. As everyone in my home was pulling closer together, praying and fasting together, it felt like there was no place for me. And while I have in the past fasted out of solidarity, I was just getting over being sick, and not being able to eat all the foods I loved. The thought of not eating for another month didn't exactly have me jumping for joy, but still I wanted to show my respect so I fasted. 

Fasting from food and drink is only one part of the holiday though. Its praying, breaking fast together, treating people with grace, being forgiving, fortifying the spiritual body through your relationship with God, and with your community. It’s beautiful, really. And I think this is why so many Muslims get excited for this time of year to come around. While I admire the discipline and dedication my Muslim family have to their faith, for me, a non Muslim, I just felt hungry, frustrated, and out of place. Stuck in the house, everyone on quarantine, the country under curfew, and corona had me afraid to leave the house, and the country. 

But the month wasn’t bad. I got to spend a lot of time with the baby of the house, Baye Kiss, and tap into my mothering skills, which I’ve always had anxiety about. When everyone in the house was praying, we would hang out together. I took a lot of trial and error to figure out how to get this 11 month old busybody baby who liked to yank and tear everything down, throw whatever object was small enough for his hand and stick his fingers into electric sockets because he was just tall enough to reach them, calm and occupied enough to not be screaming for his mom. All of my siblings are older than me, all my first cousins older than me. So I never had a baby to take care of. But I was so proud of myself that I could eventually figure out what he liked. Putting him to sleep twice had me feeling like a big boss😂. Soothing him helped to soothe me. We would walk upstairs to the roof and say hi to the goats and enjoy the cool night breeze. I would put him on my hip and walk in circles sometimes singing Ayo Nene. He made me feel confident that I could be left alone with an infant and return him to his mom in one piece. 

As the last week approached, I finally got tired of feeling like a lump on a log and decided to go to my happy place ,Arafat 2, Rufisque. Moving out of the country had proved incredibly overwhelming. Even though I’d visited a bunch of times and had established a group of friends, like anywhere in else in the world, like any other sphere of life, things change. People change.  But I always knew one place I could go for a bit of familiarity, a safe, home feeling was Rufisque. Mame Oulimata’s house in Arafat 2. Her children were like my big brothers and sisters, my aunties and big cousins, her grandchildren like my cousins, my sisters, my friends. 

When I left Parcelles for Arafat, I didn't even pay too much attention to the fact that Eid was approaching, I just knew I was tired of staying in this house, and its my Granny’s 83 birthday in 2 days. So I got up, packed a bag, took a $3 klando to downtown Rufisque, my home away from home. I didn't know it would be my last holiday with Mame Ouli. I remember on the day of Eid she was finally had her appetite back, she was enjoying the food. I took it as a sign her health was improving a lot. My sister friend Aissamba made my dress. Simple and cute. I attempted to do the girls’ makeup so we could have a cute photo shoot in front of the house. That was a dub. Lol, but I still managed to get at least one picture with everyone I could because I wanted to remember that day forever. (I lost that phone and most of the pictures are only in my mind.) The only ones left are a few I sent to my mom of me & Mame Ouli.  I didn't know how much she like pictures and dressing up until this visit. Big Gemini sun/Venus in Taurus energy! She enjoyed herself and so did I. I am grateful to have spent the holiday with her and to get to know her more as a person.

[fatouseckcreates]

Note to Self

You don’t know everything, but trust that you know what’s best for you. You’re going to have to dig through all the information you come across and decide what’s for taking and what’s for leaving. Trust in your ability to make your own decisions and be ok with your decisions not turning out how you thought they would. It doesn’t mean you can no longer make decisions for yourself. Just suck that ish up and make a new plan. Life is hard. No matter how simple, stress-free and peaceful you want things to be. Sometimes things are messy. Sometimes there is ONLY a hard way out. Sometimes you will not avoid pain, sadness, distress, confusion, ugly feelings you don’t know what to do with. You don’t know where to put them. But it’s not your end. Other people’s testimony can provide you with a lot of inspiration, but don’t let their failures be what stops you from doing what you have to do for yourself.

As someone who likes things not necessarily easy, but as simple as possible, someone who wretches at the thought of making the wrong choices, I need to remind myself this. And continue practicing the same grace I afford to others, even when they trespass against me. If I can forgive people who have personally offended me, hurt me to my core, why is it much harder to accept that I’ve made mistakes that have led me myself astray? 

It’s not just me withholding kindness from myself, though. It’s me fighting against all the outside voices. People speaking from the unexamined places inside of them where other people have told them (insert literally anything here) is not good enough. You’re not good enough if you haven’t met this requirement. I don’t want to take on other peoples regrets when I’m fighting enough of my own. I don’t want to feel like I’m letting people down just because they don’t understand my process. Sometimes what you don’t understand is not for you to figure out. Sometimes we are led blindfolded through trials one step at a time and I have seen this in my life already. Have faith in me. Trust me, I’m going to be alright. 

People will find all kinds of ways to discredit what you know. Youre too young you haven’t lived. You have lived a privileged life. You’re too this, too that. Understand that I have the final say in what and who I am. And that maybe I’m right where I’m supposed to be for this moment? Why do we shame people for not having all the answers? For needing assistance? 

We all know how hard it is to have it perfectly together but we’re always expected to look and carry ourselves like we have it all together? Everything figured out? We cracked the mf code. Give me a break. Give people a break! 

When I first got into astrology, I was so interested in learning this roadmap into myself my personality my motivations how could the stars know me so well, and I came across a video on my moon sign. Sag moons stand upppp! The astrologer said, “You like to keep things light and playful. Even though you are a lot smarter than you appear you don’t like people to know. You come off kind of air headed.” Initially, I said uh uh, no. Sis wrong that ain’t me!  I recently had a conversation where I was told the same thing in less minced words lol. And while I agree I do like to keep things light, and I tend to conceal what I know as well as the depth of my more heavy emotions. I feel called in my 28th year of life to just really speak my mind without that nice nice filter. No matter how it sounds. I’m not meant to entertain 24/7. No one is? I’ve had so many instances, months of feeling like straight POOP, but I refused to let it show. I’m sure it was clear from my energy I wasn’t at 100. But I would smile whenever I was expected to. Sometimes I was happy, sometimes I wanted to be. Most times I didn’t want anyone probing me with questions. God forbid they find out I am soft and have feelings 😭Scorpio rising lol. I’m not talking about becoming an open book, that’s not what I’m trying to do. I don’t know that that would serve me at all. But who wants to feel confined to one “acceptable” feeling all the time? I contain multitudes! Can I publicly honor the fact that sometimes I’m unhappy, sometimes I feel bad? Alas, how could I forget, no one wants to be around someone who’s always bringing down the mood right? It’s like people don’t know what to do if they’re not being entertained. They don’t know how to be a friend, how to be silent, listening & present for someone else.  

All of this typing I done missed my stop! In addition to just barely missing 3 different trains today. That reminds me! Looking for shortcuts will have you out here doing busy work rather than progressing to where you need to be. Sometimes just be willing to wait and not always in a rush to be moving, when you are literally running in circles. Also a condition of my sag moon, mind. If I’m not moving I don’t know what to do with myself. Slow down sometimes, you’re not missing anything babe! 

[fatouseckcreates]

Hello Brave New World!

Guys! Don’t worry, this has nothing to do with the famous novel Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Hey 11th grade required reading! I have no recollection of what it was about. But I do know that returning from Dakar to NY definitely shook up my little world. And absolutely demanded of me some much needed bravery.  As I’m forced to reintroduce myself into my post-Covid panicked communities, dance, family, friends etc, folks are asking me a lot of the same questions, mainly “How was Senegal?!” And truthfully I draw a blank every time because how do I sum up an entire year and a half AND make it sound like good clean fun, you know my brand lol. I usually land on some version of “Yes, it was great! So much fun!” And it was fun! but it was also entire 16 months of living in the real world, as opposed to some 16 day vacation bubble. 

So upon checking in with myself I asked myself, “Self, how WAS Senegal?” Because my mind, whew! She is powerful y'all, but she is selectively forgetful! Sometimes she only wants to remember what's pleasant, and bearable, conveniently forgetting the uncomfortable, the unpleasant. I want to remember it all. The ugly, the amazing, the awful, the triumphs, the joy of living it all! When I think of Senegal I equate it with peace. It literally hurts to leave my family behind. There is no denying Senegal has my heart. But to cheat myself out of everything I learned, everything I emerged from would be a disservice to myself. So I started jotting down some things Senegal taught me, not just in 2019-20 but since the beginning of this crazy ride. 

1. Senegal taught me to love my inner baddie. Sangse REK!

One of the first things I immediately fell in love with, and that most people fall in love with, the fashion, the art of it all. The regality of the clothes. Specifically the women, old and young, babies, everyone is so gorgeous. You have your daytime/walking around the house fit, casual gorgeous. Going to the market?oh this old thing? Gorgeous! Going to see your granny, GORGEOUS! I loved the idea of getting dressed up to sit and eat and talk and do nothing in particular because YOU are the main event. I am the main event! Because I’m gorgeous and you know it you see it! Every time I got new clothes I put more intent intentional into wearing things outside of my comfort zone. Why not? I was already being catapulted up out my comfort zone in every other way. So what good reason had I not try different styles, different colors, different fabrics, that would otherwise feel like “no this is too much.” Senegal said Fatou, “Are you even doing enough?” Do you know what it does to a person’s confidence to see yourself everyday and just be in awe, that YOU are so comfortable being this extra version of your already amazing self. Its wonderful. And when you look around the room, to your right and your left, everyone else is feeling themselves too! Because you are a room full of beautiful, confident people just enjoying being alive and being apart of a community. 

2. Senegal taught me to ask a lot of questions. 

And know that everyone who gives you an answer doesn't always know what they’re talking about, so keep asking. For someone who is very “I’ll figure it out or I’ll forget about it” minded, this took a little bit of practice getting used to! And while I definitely needed assistance because sometimes when you’re out on the road the knowledge you left home with is not enough. Its ok to speak up and say excuse me ma’am, sir, etc, I’m looking for xyz, do you know where I can find it? It actually takes a load off lol. And for someone whois not fluent, and not always feeling confident about my language skills this was something I absolutely needed to get more comfortable getting around on my own, and feeling safe around the city.

It also wisened me to the fact that many people will give you a nice strong confident answer, without an ounce of hesitation, and be dead wrong. So check your facts with a trusted source, or just be prepared to go on an adventure and keep verifying along the way. Don’t let it stop you from asking questions, or from finding truth. 

3. Thirdly, and last for today’s list, Senegal taught me embrace my sweetness, play up my softness, cus babygirl you’re not in New York. 

Let’s face it, I’m a New Yorker born and raised, Brooklyn through and through, aht aht aht! I know how to get around the city in a hurry. I know how to mind my business and keep it moving. I know how to keep my eyes open without making eye contact with crazies. However, it’s quite counterproductive to be rough and tough when you regularly need help getting around, and have to keep asking strangers for directions. Google doesn't always have updated info on all the places you need to go, if it has info at all. I had no wifi out in the street. Most houses don’t have numbers and most towns don’t have street names. You literally have to ask. But don’t feel bad, even taxi drivers stop and ask for directions lol. 

You begin to kind of soften up organically because so many people will go out of their way to help you find where you’re going or a person you’re looking for. In Senegal, you can really see how people depend on the kindness of others, and the community built off of just being fellow humans in need. That was so heart warming to me. New Yorkers will help you around to a certain extent, but most people are in too much of a rush to stop and help the way people will help you in Dakar. Is it because I look like a child? Maybe! Is it because I’m clearly not from around here? Could be. All I know is I was grateful for the help. 

[fatouseckcreates]

Introducing my new Patreon page Fatou Seck Creates! I will be moving some of my content on Tumblr over to Patreon as well as making new posts. 

Stay safe yall!

[fatouseckcreates]

Bringing this goodie back because I cant wait to dance outside with friends again!

[fatouseckcreates]

This is 2020....?

Phew!!! 

Where do I start? This year has been, is proving to be a complete WHIRLWIND, sweeping everyone in its trail almost completely under water, and its just March! Within a matter of weeks, the whole world is under panic over this COVID-19 pandemic and so many people are talking but no one knows exactly what to do. 

When I planned my trip to Senegal, I had big ideas for all the projects I would execute and put into motion for the near future. Projects that I would continue into the coming years which would ultimately place me where I want to be in my career, expanding myself into the academia and history of dance, not just the performance aspect. This was a big ask for me, albeit I am asking myself lol. It still is. My ideas excited me, but as usual, overwhelmed me. Still I had a fire and whenever I reached out to other artists for potential collaborations I was met with the very same excitement. Due to life happening, feeling like I had time, I continued to put my project off, waiting for the perfect time, the perfect circumstances, the perfect budget, because I am completely attached to the idea that when carrying out my visions, everything must at least START perfect.  

And as it would happen, now in the chokehold of Corona’s grip on normalcy, my plans have completely shifted. In the scope of this global health scare, my plans seem to bear little importance in comparison to the ways we’re all adjusting, attempting to stay out of harm’s way. I am grateful to be in a country where the virus has not affected a great many people, but my heart is in two places as almost all of my family is in America, New York to be specific. Worrying will not fix anything, and neither will fear, so I am doing my best to stay levelheaded and continue to make healthy choices. While I’m extremely grateful I can leave the house and walk around my neighborhood, every time I leave the house, I think about the fact that I am potentially breathing the same air, brushing past the clothes or shoulders of people who may be contagious with coronavirus. It almost feels selfish to leave the house and venture off too far. And my intent here is not to fearmonger, I’m just saying what’s been on my mind. As restrictions crack down it becomes harder and harder to maintain a sense of equilibrium even within myself. But I cannot afford to panic. 

All social activities have stopped, school and work for many has been cancelled indefinitely, and starting March 25 the country is under curfew from 6 am to 8pm. After months of feeling unmotivated and unsure of which direction to focus my energy, I was excited to have a new start once all of this ended. But with new news coming in everyday of worsening conditions abroad I dont know when that will be.

Not being able to carry out my artistic plans, attend rehearsals, or even travel freely to see family outside of the city for fear that I might endanger myself and those around me has taken a toll on my the part of my brain that needs to keep busy in order to feel accomplished. The thought that I waited too long, and essentially squandered my time here is one that eats at me more than the panic does, and all that I can do to combat it is to plan some more, research some more, visualize and prepare for my imminent success when all of this is over.  I’ve learned so many lessons in silence, on my own, behind the mask that I armor myself with in the world. Not always because I had to, sometimes I chose to. Sometimes I observed other’s lessons, and decided I didnt want to make the same choices. In the midst of all thats going on now I’m sure we are all being dragged by life lessons. 

In conclusion, this is a scary lesson for many of us but, like yall, I’m just waiting to see what happens. Stay safe! Stay prayed up. Hydrate often. Check up on, call, text and hug your loved ones!

[fatouseckcreates]

Tungeeg💛