fawnedresponse

[fawnedresponse]

i miss you. i miss you like im learning to love you in reverse. like sitting with the loss would actually bring us back to life. i miss you like the empty space and quietness looks for your silent presence. i miss putting my earphones on before going to bed, i miss waking up to your texts.

but you don't have to miss me. and i don't actively have to distance myself from my friends just so i can distract myself from losing you. but i will. i'll spend hours doing nothing like a loser, and not even write about how much your laughter left a large gap in my heart, like teeth you pull. my gums are aching, and i miss you. i miss sinking my fangs into you, i miss begging like a dog.

i miss the energy you share, and the excitement you provide, the barely-there reminders of a thoughtful act left unnoticed. i miss the dedication, and the devotion. i completely missed it all.

i can't come back to that. i can't blame you if you never want to speak to me again, or believe any of your friends for casting me as a terrible person. there's also peace in me knowing i can leave you alone, but it still aches.

i'll never get better and

you deserve more

and i can replay everything you told me

but ive forgotten them all.

see, it barely registered you love me,

why wish for my well-being?

i'm only made to miss you,

i made that my calling.

you wonder why i can only stand your company when im taking in substances, it filled me so much anxiety and distress, knowing i'll never be able repay this kindness, all this laughter, the light you shine on me's too bright, i'm afraid i'd go blind— i had to tamper these feelings down. i can't help but feel guilty, because i know once i'm hooked in, i'd love you so intensely: don't you wish you've never met me? never loved me, at least not in that way. not in the way that would collapse your soul and not tell me about it.

i miss you telling me about it. i miss you rambling about your mom, or what peeved you off about your dad. i missed the phone call when you needed me, and how in that moment, you decided, you could never need me. i wanted you to need me, but i couldn't convince you without it feeling scummy on my end. because this relationship was already built in codependency and you wouldn't want to make it mutual.

i still don't understand why you made this choice, but i guess when the most calculated people can make mistakes. had i deceived you for thinking im somebody you could actually spend your life with? what if i just want somebody you can spend time with, in the present. you make me forget about my past, but you're someone who's working towards a future.

i'm not in anyone's futures. i certainly won't be in yours. you're still smart for catching on. i was selfish for letting this ruse go on.

you'll move on from me, and i'll go to sleep. i'll go to sleep and be glad i only wasted four months of your time.

[fawnedresponse]

dearest nate, and the list of things that made me love about you.

you're not art duncan, or denji— or any of my favorite fictional characters. you're natel, and even if you can't believe me— i have loved you. for you. i know how easy it is to not feel seen, and i always assumed this and that who you, but at the end of the day: i knew you were a real person, with real feelings and a heart you entrusted to me and i go to sleep every night, frightened with the realization i can hurt you— i can hurt you, even if it's unintentional. so i lose you, and that's me taking accountability. i'm sorry for begging you to stay. that was selfish of me.

i didn't love you properly, i loved you the wrong way. i loved you the way my previous partners wanted me to behave, i went in this relationship with my previous partners' love language and not yours: that wasn't fair to you. i had to show you how to love you in the way i was taught, when your own way of showing your love was different.

i saw you for what you are, no longer on a pedestal, slowly— when we got together. but I'd still get nervous at certain times we had to call. you made me feel loved, important— special, something so new to me it made me want to run across the opposite direction.

you don't have to believe me, i wouldn't either. but you never were a rebound. if that was ever planted in your head. i know you overthink but i don't think you really seeked my advice for anything. you could have, you know that, right?

i really didn't want to enter a relationship. i didn't want to. it's selfish and would have hurt you but you sounded so certain and i needed you for myself. i have liked you. i liked your voice, i love the way you type. your self control. committing to boundaries. communicating. protecting those you love but also allowing them to learn on their own. the level of emotional maturity you've gained for someone so young. you value independence. you know what you want, and you're not a pussy to work hard in getting it. i admire that about you. i don't think I'll even ever fall the fuck in love after my last. my last really ruined me, you were there. but you showed me that there's still hope, and kindness and patience— although, in my current state, i'm just evil and mean and bitter.

I'll never be able to take back the words I've told you, i just felt really betrayed. because I could finally be with someone again, and i couldn't wait to become better for them. but I've come to terms you deserve everything well and good. you do. i'm not doing well, end of discussion and I'm not good for you.

but i did see you for who you are, and what you are is someone who's loyal to his friends, with a long patience for the people you care about. you cared to be loved. i already ruined my reputation to the most important person you care about— there's no going back. i'm just your ex, now. i don't think your friends will like me if we got back together. you have to think about this. and dating you means getting along with your frirnds. ive hurt you as it is. you'll grow from this.

you're not art duncan. you're not second choice. i know it feels that way at the beginning, but you have the power to smile kindly at me while twisting a knife in my chest and your name woul feel warm as the blood in my mouth for when i thank you.

you're not andrew graves, because you never enabled my bullshit. maybe we were the couple in past lives. and maybe we'll never get married. maybe you deserve a boring (peaceful) but happy life where you're settled down and the worst thing you have to do in a day is to think about what you want for lunch.

i don't think I'll ever be that woman in your happily ever after ending. i love so intensely. if i didn't distance myself, emotional strangulation is what you'll meet.

i miss you. i miss my closest friend. you're not just somebody i lusted for (although, yeah. i can't reach orgasm without imagining you.) you're somehow i daydreamed holding hands with. and doing the most gayest shit ever like, what it would be like: the weight of your head on my lap, running my fingers through your locks, asking you to grow them. they're all just dreams to me, and I'm not mad about it. you can find someone who can do all those things and more— but you chose me, in a few months, in two years — ive got one plan lined up. you loved me for the better.

you'll be okay, you deserve the love you deserve and not the love you think you deserve. mine just wasn't the right match. that line, where haesung says "you are a person that leaves," i think of nora as you. you had to leave this relationship for the sake of both of us. i don't question or doubt your love for me. but nattie, i could never be loveable. the kind of love you give me is so undeserving of me to receive. i had so many faults for asking you to take care of me, when i should have been a pillar for you to lean on. that was my biggest mistake.

i'm really grateful that you stayed. everyday, it was a conscious decision, and i talked to friends— no matter how you put it: i was making you unhappy. there were little things inside of you building up to loathe me. and you didn't really say anything. i'm disappointed by that. i want to soothe your problems as a partner. not add to it. you were so self efficient i thought leaving you alone would be the best idea. should i have prodded more? became a doting mother? a caring sister? i didn't even know what spot you want me filled— but being your girlfriend is the most highest priority you could give me. you made the right choice. i want you to priorize yourself. and i don't want to lose you as a friend but.

i can't be good at video games the way you want me, too, and i think that's the #1 thing you looked for in me. and i hate that you'd feel obligated to carry me everytime.

i really, really wanted to keep you as a friend, I'm slowly realizing there's a very big space of void you left within me. but i already went ahead and fallen in love with you, which irreversibly destroys our friendship.

can't go back to talking without yearning for your voice, or desiring you carnally. in any case, I'll keep my lines open in the hopes it gives you a bit of comfort. I know it gives me mine. you can keep talking to me here (crumbling, is what they call it) until it slowly fizzles out for you. it's shit, you know? i saw the street fighter icon borders on discord and thought: nattie will like this, or i see a tweet, or a tok. you're always in my thoughts.

be well for now, and go through your day know someone loves you. someone loves you enough to throw everything away and be with you but you're actually kind, and good, and everything lovely. so you want to see me do better. i don't know if i can, not without falling asleep next to you anymore. so, I'll see you around, nat.