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i really wanted to get some more of my drafts done, but i have a flight to catch in a few hours and i really need to get ready and get going. but the good news is that i’m going to back home late tonight, which means that tomorrow my hiatus will be over and i’ll be back here in full swing!!!

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gospcl:

    coming home has somehow become even more nerve-wracking as of late, luca’s inability to process everything at once making him more anxious than ever. somehow, alex hating him was the simplest thing about their situation – something he was used to, an old loss to focus on rather than the very new one, so sharp and painful that luca was sure he’d never grow used to how it made him feel. hana was another story, luca’s fondness for her established since just days after she’d been born, but even so, he’d never imagined this would be in the cards for any of them. he’d always giddily pictured watching her grow up from just a little further away, visiting his best friends often �� being called uncle luca or something similar, spoiling her as much as he could manage, teaching her things her parents might frown upon just to see the looks on their faces. & now here he is instead, grief and confusion and new responsibility mingling into god knows what. 

     it should be no surprise, then, when he lets himself into the apartment and finds alex. this was bound to happen eventually to one of them, luca’s own tears being saved for private settings but hard to control at times. just the sight of his co-parent in the position luca finds him in has a lump growing in his throat, & he considers only for a second or two the fact that this was likely supposed to be a private moment too, something alex might have kept to himself if only he’d known luca would be arriving home early that day. he feels selfish as soon as he thinks it – if anyone can understand what alex is going through, it’s him, & that’s fact whether or not alex wants his comfort. his school bag thumps against the ground softly as he approaches, chest constricting at the sight before him. in seconds he’s standing next to alex, hand settling on his shoulder somewhat hesitantly as he moves to crouch down in front of him. ❛ alex… ❜ he starts, struggling against a voice that is far too choked. he blinks quickly, trying to clear his eyes of the tears rising in them. ❛ i — i miss them too. ❜

     the sound of the door opening escapes alex’s notice, his attention too focused on the mess of thoughts swirling around in his head, and trying his best to ride out the seemingly endless waves of sobs currently wracking his form. it’s hard to believe that he’s been put in this situation, hard to believe that his two best friends in the world were so cruelly ripped away from the world of the living, unable to be present in their daughter’s life. sometimes, the pain hits alex so hard it makes him sick — when he’s feeding hana or rocking her, playing and laughing with her, and he gets the urge to take a picture and text them to beth and asher, the way he used to when he was merely a babysitter on occasion. before he realizes that he can’t, that no one would be on the other end receiving the text. it makes his chest ache, and even looking at hana, his favorite person in the world, makes him so sad sometimes that it’s hard to breathe, because while he’ll be able to watch her grow up into the wonderful person he knows she’ll become, his two best friends in the world never will. 

     it’s impossible not to notice the gaping hole beth and asher have left in his life, and in all of the lives they touched. it’s impossible not to notice, when they’ve left their daughter in the care of not only alex, but of luca as well. it’s been difficult being around luca for so many reasons, but mostly because of the ache alex still feels when he sees him, when he’s close to him and he’s reminded that he can no longer reach out and touch. and it makes him angry, because he shouldn’t want to touch him, he shouldn’t want anything to do with him, because he hurt him so badly, and yet alex can’t stop remembering. and what’s even worse, is that he no longer has his biggest support system. he can no longer text or call beth when he’s feeling overwhelmed and hurt, can no longer rant and cry on asher’s shoulder, because they’re no longer there. that’s what hurts the worst — the fact that they’re gone, and never coming back. he’ll never see them again, and there’s no room for making new memories with them, good or bad.

     he’s so wrapped in his thoughts of loss that alex doesn’t notice luca’s presence until he feels a hand on his shoulder, his bloodshot eyes immediately lifting to see the other crouching in front of him. he doesn’t give himself even a moment to second guess his actions as he reaches out to clutch at luca’s shirt, simply wanting some source of comfort despite whatever consequences it might bring later. he uses his grip to pull luca closer, leaning forward so he’s leaning against him, despite the slightly awkward position. alex has always found comfort in being close to people, today being no different, and although alex hates to admit it even to himself, luca’s presence has always been one of the most comforting he’s ever known. ❛ luca, ❜ he whispers brokenly as he tightens his hold, ❛ i feel like my heart’s going to explode. ❜ he doesn’t realize when he’s slipped into mandarin, nor does he realize when he changes to korean, though his words are barely intelligible from how hard he’s crying. ❛ how— how am i supposed to live without them? how is she supposed to live without them? ❜

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‘how are you bread’ teaser

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             ✧ — @gospcl

♦ — a deep sigh escapes alex’s lips as he looks down at the crib where he’s just laid hana down to sleep, a surge of relief rushing through his weary bones that she’s finally decided to rest after a long couple of hours of fighting it. he himself is only running on four hours of sleep, spread out over two naps that he’d managed to acquire over the course of the last 24 hours, and he feels run ragged. it’s times like these that he’s not sure if he’s up for this. handling hana is one thing; it’s a full time job in itself that alex knows he can learn to do well, since he’s great at taking care of people, but it’s the circumstances with which he’s having to do it that exhaust him. taking care of a baby is one thing, but it’s quite another to do so when you’re having to share the responsibility with your ex-boyfriend who broke your heart, on top of dealing with the death of two of your most beloved friends. sometimes it just feels like too much to deal with at once, and it’s times like these, when he has to force himself to look away from hana’s sleeping form because she just looks so much like her parents, that he’s not sure if he can. he feels like a weight is crushing his chest as he exits the room, his throat closing around the lump that’s formed there as he shuts the door as quietly as he can with shaking hands. he closes his eyes and stands there for a moment, trying to calm himself down, trying to will away the tears that are forming in his eyes, but it’s not a moment later that he finds himself on the floor in the hallway with tears streaming down his face and his body wracking with sobs as he buries his face in his knees.

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crcmulent:

i just want a plot where it’s two rich kids who live in neighboring estates and their families always throw parties together and they have vacation homes in the same spots and their elite parents are too busy to notice when they sneak off to fuck in that second guest bathroom that no one uses or get high in the back library and makeout

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blackbear feat. james blake - blame them

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Scenes that never made the show, like why? Srlsy I would have been crying so much bc my baby deserves better😳

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the eye: sungjong

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me: *gets a bad idea*

me: great idea

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♡.┊⊰ — alex.

LUCA: there was no one better, alex... idk lol. there never really has been. it's way too late for wishing things had been different, but if it means anything i wish they had been too

LUCA: u did deserve the explanation! it wasn't even about whether u would listen or not. i was just... messed up at the time and everything felt useless. i don't have a good excuse :/ i think under any other circumstances i would've been begging u for a second chance, and i typed out messages like that a hundred times, but i always deleted them. they made me feel sick lol

LUCA: i thought you were mine too

LUCA: and i'm being genuine, but u can take ur time

LUCA: look... i'm just gonna skip my next class and come home i think. if that's okay. we don't have to talk more about this today i just don't really wanna be here anymore haha. can't focus

LUCA: i'm glad we talked though. i know it can't fix everything just like that but maybe it's a start to us at least being able to be around each other? i think we needed this, especially now, so...

ALEX: god. okay. all of this is a lot to take in.... i think i need to process everything

ALEX: that's okay. i mean u don't need my permission to come home, it's ur space too. but it's okay

ALEX: i'm glad we talked too. i think it was about time we had a conversation about it lol. esp since we have to be around each other all the time now, and we're gonna have to for a long time so. i think it was time we figured out how to be around each other. it's definitely a start

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♡.┊⊰ — stupid jerk.

LUCA: i didn't 'go off' with someone else. that guy was a mistake but it meant nothing, less than nothing. i know that sounds cliche but it's the truth. there was never anyone else but u in any way that counted. there's no excuse for what i did but it was always about me, never even came close to being because u weren't good enough. i was being selfish, and stupid... and as awful as it sounds, it had EVERYTHING to do with me being in love with u. i mean... u were always so nice to me? even after we started dating. it was weird. i went a little crazy, i guess, thinking that u didn't want me anymore. i kept thinking, he's too nice to tell u. that's why everything is so awkward now, because he doesn't want u but he can't figure out how to say it.

LUCA: and i just... went to a party one night and got really really stupidly drunk and took some guy who did want me back to my dorm. i can't even remember his name. he told me it like it was funny i didn't know before he kissed me goodbye the day after and all i can remember is seeing u standing there when he walked away?

LUCA: god... u can be angry with me. whether i sit there and take all the little comments or not, ur allowed to be pissed off. i would doubt me if i were u too. but if i'd known u were feeling like this all this time i would've said something sooner. i know u think i'm this horrible person now but i've never wanted u hurting. or anyone. especially you. and i guess i just figured... u were gonna just stay pissed at me forever, i'd already been removed from ur life, there was no point in groveling when i didn't really even want u to forgive me. but that means i never tried to explain it? and if u really have been thinking about it this long, then i'm sorry.

LUCA: i haven't said that to u in a long time. i'll say it until you believe i really am

LUCA: and i'll keep telling you i really loved you and none of it was your fault until you believe that, too, if u want

LUCA: ur right that i don't deserve to have u care about me. i kind of think it's weird if u do. not in a bad way, i'm just... i don't know how to process it. i don't get why either. i don't really believe u don't hate me lol, even if u still care about me too. but that's fine... obviously i never stopped caring about you even when it hurt, but i'm the one who messed it up. it seemed fair that i would keep on thinking about u even once u were out of my life. i mean... u were my best friend. u meant everything to me

LUCA: and i would never have left u. i don't know where u got that impression from. i didn't even mean to give up, or whatever. like, even when i was waiting for u to end it over a fucking text message or something i never thought that maybe i should end it first. i don't know what to say anymore... i don't understand why it even got bad in the first place if u really weren't gearing up to break up with me, but maybe that's another story. idk. i didn't know what i'd done wrong. and i was scared to ask and hear that it was just me not being enough, ha. so maybe i gave up by never asking

ALEX: god. i don't even know what to say. 'i cheated on you bc i was in love with you' sounds like the biggest fucking copout ever, but at the same time i kind of understand. bc i was feeling the same way. i always kind of thought u were just waiting on the right opportunity to leave me bc why would u wanna be with me when u could have someone better? idk. but i hate that u thought that way. i wish you would've just told me. actually, i wish we both would've communicated better. but i guess it's too late for wishing now lmao

ALEX: jfc don't you think i deserved the explanation though? i mean, i might not have listened right away, but you could have at least tried. if you really loved me, the fact that u gave up so easily and just accepted it....... god. and just bc you didn't want me to forgive u or whatever doesn't mean that i didn't deserve an explanation. that was so fucking selfish of u. i mean maybe i should have asked for more of an explanation too instead of drawing my own conclusions but still.

ALEX: ur not as easy to get over as u think you are, luca. i thought you were the love of my life. i feel like some part of me will always grieve the loss of that

ALEX: i don't really know what i believe right now. i think i'm still processing. aka why i'm saying more than i probably should, even if it's all true. i appreciate that though, if you're really being genuine

ALEX: luca. lol have you met me? i'll always care about you. some part of me anyways. i don't know how to stop caring. i really genuinely thought u were the love of my life, and even before that, you were my best friend. i'll always fucking care. which is exactly why i can't hate you, bc i DO care about u. yeah i hate some of the shit that you do, and i fucking hate that you hurt me so badly. but i don't hate YOU as a person. as much as i love to demonize you and make u into the bad guy who broke my heart, i don't really think you're a horrible person. i think it's horrible what u did to me, but i know who you are. you're not a bad person. and knowing all of that pisses me off even more, and only leads to me trying to demonize you more bc i don't WANT to sympathize with you, i don't want to be understanding or see you as a good person when i'm hurting, bc it only hurts that much worse. bc i never felt like i deserved u and i resent u for doing exactly what i was so afraid of

ALEX: u did give up. but it wasn't all your fault. it was both of ours, for not communicating. well, that part anyways... you cheating on me is still 100% your fault, but a relationship goes both ways. we both fucked up, & even though i came to u to try to make it work, i guess i came too late lol. anyways idek what to do with any of this. it's nice to feel like we're headed towards closure (if you're being genuine) but it's just. a big pill to swallow. idk. it's a lot

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♡.┊⊰ — stupid jerk.

LUCA: i WANT u to believe it and i also want u to believe i never thought u weren't good enough?? are u kidding me??? u were too good for me for a thousand reasons. all i really did was prove that to both of us

LUCA: what am i supposed to do, alex? it's been three years and i know u still hate me for what i did. which is fine in theory lol... in practice it just really sucks on top of everything else. am i supposed to just be nice all the time anyway?

LUCA: i didn't want to leave u at ALL... there was no plan, but u were acting so weird back then! i could TELL it was only a matter of time until u were the one who called it off, no matter what u say today looking back. ur fun, nice, pretty, tall. u were the best person i knew. why would u want to be stuck for three+ more years in a long distance thing with some kid from back home

ALEX: lmao me being too good for u? that's a funny joke.... and a little hard to believe imo. part of me wants to believe you.... but another part of me wants to call bullshit bc i just can't imagine that. i can't imagine you being so in love with me and thinking i'm too good for you and still going off with someone else. i just don't understand it, i never have

ALEX: i don't know. i don't have any answers for u bc i don't even have answers for myself either. if u think it sucks for you, how the hell do you think i feel? do you think it's easy for me looking at you every day and wondering what could've been? thinking back to everything we've been through and every time you ever told me u loved me and wondering what was real and what wasn't? it's fucking horrible. i feel pathetic bc it's been so long and i should be over it by now and i'm so tired of carrying this around but i still can't look at you without aching a little bit and it hurts and it's annoying and it only fuels how fucking angry i am bc what else can i do?

ALEX: and the worst part about all of this is that in all reality, i don't hate you. i don't even hate you for being an asshole back to me even though it pisses me off. i only say it all the time bc i'm just so fucking angry, and i WISH i could hate u bc i'm so angry at you. bc i loved you so much and you hurt me so bad and i cared so much and part of me can't STOP caring and it still hurts to think about it and it pisses me the fuck off bc after all of the pain u put me through u don't DESERVE for me to care at all, any part of me

ALEX: why would i want to be stuck with u.... are u serious right now. i was NEVER going to leave u??? i never even THOUGHT about it.... i was so fucking in love with u, i literally dropped everything to go to you bc i wanted to work things out with u. i was acting weird bc i thought YOU were the one who was getting ready to leave me, and i missed you so much and i didn't know what to do? i thought u were going to find someone better, smarter, funnier, cuter, than me and that u would leave me.... and then i go to see you and u had already found someone else lol. that was literally my worst fear come true..... can u really blame me for not trusting u and being angry with u? like???? i would've done anything for u luca..... i wanted to spend the rest of my life with u, and yea i came to see u bc it wasn't working but i wasn't going to BREAK UP with u bc of it.... jfc. i wanted us to figure something out.... but u gave up on us. u gave up on me

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♡.┊⊰ — stupid jerk.

LUCA: maybe i cared about u once upon a time as a friend???

LUCA: i was so in love with u, i don't even know where to start

LUCA: i messed up and you've always had every right to hate me for it. it was just easier to deal with u hating me when we didn't have to see each other all the time, i guess

LUCA: but please don't say i didn't love you. it's insulting

LUCA: and don't act like i haven't regretted what happened since the day it did. i've never laughed at you, ever. and even if we were going to break up anyway i never wanted it to be like that

ALEX: don't say that...... don't tell me that or i might actually believe it lol and idk what's worse, you never having cared about me at all or u actually having been in love with me and still thinking i wasn't good enough. so just don't

ALEX: also don't even start with the insulting bullshit bc you've been acting almost as much of an asshole to me as i have to u so wtf am i supposed to think

ALEX: even if we were going to break up anyway...... what the fuck does that even mean? what, did you have a plan for how u were gonna break up with me? do u regret it bc that wasn't the WAY u wanted to leave me?? bc i was never gonna leave u

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Don’t cheat on people, because the rest of their fucking life at 1am or when vodka fills their veins all they’re going to wonder is why the hell they weren’t enough for you and it will slowly tear them apart, and just because you aren’t there anymore doesn’t mean it isn’t your fault because every “I love you” that you ever said will echo in their god dammed head and no one deserves that.

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♡.┊⊰ — stupid jerk.

LUCA: ... alex

LUCA: you cant really believe all that

ALEX: and what if i do? i mean who knows maybe u did care about me once upon a time, as a friend, but we somehow went from supposedly wanting to spend the rest of our lives together to hating each other, so forgive me if it all seems a little hard to believe

ALEX: and u know what. u can judge me all u want & sit there and act like all i do is shit on u but at least my anger at u is justified bc you broke my fucking heart. i had to rebuild my entire future i planned for myself bc all of my plans involved u. it ruined me to see how easily u could throw me away.... but what about u, huh? yeah maybe i've been a bitter asshole but at least u could never doubt that i genuinely fucking loved u. and you've had years to just sit back and have a nice long laugh at how fucking STUPID i was to believe everything u said & to think we actually had a chance....... so congrats! u win! i'm a fucking idiot

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♡.┊⊰ — stupid jerk.

LUCA: i'm texting u all the time because i just genuinely want to know how the baby is??? not because ur not capable. the proof of life thing was just a JOKE

LUCA: yeah, once or twice... i slept with that guy once or twice. when exactly do u think i was telling u all these other lies?

LUCA: just because u don't believe it doesn't make it not true

ALEX: ok i believe that u genuinely want to know how the baby is and i get that it was a joke but not sure if i believe the other part. but alright

ALEX: lmao you really want to get into this? alright, let's do this. where do i even begin? okay, let's start with the lie that you wanted to go to school with me. obviously not since it didn't happen. you only wanting me? lie. not looking at anyone else but me? lie. you caring about me? lie. never wanting to hurt me? lie. wanting to spend the rest of your life with me? lie. you being in love with me? lie. our entire relationship? a lie. should i continue, or was that good enough for you?

ALEX: yeah well i'll start believing things are true when i have a reason to believe they're true. until then i can't and won't trust anything you say to me