fearless23

[fearless23]

Remember that thing you have been wanting to do like having a pocket book with all your scribbles about your mini philosophies and silly pep talks for yourself becos frankly you tend to forget about a lot of stuff. It is just the way you qre right now; you get easily distracted and your thoughts are all muddled up, you are required to have a notebook electronic or traditional with you at all times!

Another one: i think its a good plan to emulate the ideal notebook thing by that bungo stray dog character just to keep you afloat i suppose however consistent.

Also last one for today: it’s living life with the people you love should be what this life is all about.

[fearless23]

Canada next year?

I had a conversation with my grandma on the phone on the evening of my birthday: she mentioned that she is planning to visit home next year AND she will not return to Canada alone, she intends to bring three persons with her--my cousin, my mother...and me.  My grandmother then asked me if I were willing to work, not entirely sure, I still managed to muster a yes. It was the best route for me and my family, financial-wise. I can’t tell if she sensed my hesitation, but I liked what she said after that I shouldn’t worry much about my degree, because even without it, as long as you have determination and hard-work, you can get any job. It is notable to mention that I voiced out that I have no idea what career path I want, but she said OK. It was honestly the best thing I’ve had heard on my birthday. I felt somewhat at ease, but the anxiety is still there.  I’ve been thinking about it ever since; I am hella sad that I’m gonna part with this life someday; that the moment I step onto that land it’s all going to be about work and I have no idea if I’ll ever have the opportunity to be selfish again. I wish it weren’t like this but this is the life I was presented with.  Just remember Naomi from You Deserve Each Other; she didn’t have her life work the way it should be but eventually she found peace. She did not have a huge salary but she found her place still with a loving husband and caring friends. And I’ll stick to that hope that someday I’ll be truly at peace

And sheesh, I can always shift into a character I want, lmao. I can be cool-headed, airhead, and carefree if I choose to be. I just have to carry kindness with me. But as Tay said be ready to bite. Lol.  Choosing to k-word myself is still not aligned with my confusing and inconsistent principles in life. Funnily I am too prideful in life. My closeted seeker self intends to find out how my seemingly weird life is going to play out. I’ll be the witness of it.  It’s going to be one heck of an adventure. I am going to learn to be brave enough to suck at something new and old. 

[fearless23]

I just had a very, very, very idiotic thought:

I plan 23 to be in preparation for joining the market next year at 24. Yes, folks. The dating market. Now this is bizarre because of my lithromantic and lithsexual ass, but I just want to see. And hell no, I am not going to join some dating apps; what I meant is I will entertain if some decent guy arrives. I will. See, this is fucking idiocy. LMAO.

I just wanna fix myself this year, appearance-wise. Mental aspect is still too complex to fix.

[fearless23]

Turning 23...

Regardless of the unhealthy amount of extra sleep and leisure activities (binging books for consecutive days and being into deep with volleyball or to be specific Yuki Ishikawa) 

I can proudly claim that I have done pretty much fun stuff at the age of 22:

I started skateboarding; successfully done a mini Ollie. Fell off the board quite a few times, which amounts to me being #fearless. I try to block out the world when I know that some eyes are on me as I skate. It was just about me and my skateboard cruising towards self-progress.

I have started learning a bit of Italian; a few words I can recognise. I am deeply happy with this one as well although I haven't been making much progress. Italia has occupied some space in my heart, and it felt like I’ve been having a delightful summer with Lorenzo and watching Superlega for Yuki, Ran, and Yuji. 

I’ve picked up my old hobby which was guitar playing. I can do barred chords like F. I have defeated my enemy. And I will continue to do so. It’s so thrilling to be able to strum with barred chords. I love the challenge.

I DYED my hair. Bleached it. I went a bit slowly there though, I am yet to bleach my entire hair. I didn’t like my bleached hair at first but after my fail attempt to dye it blue (which turned black) I’ve had started missing it. I WILL BE DYING IT AGAIN. 

I have read about more than 60 books this year. And I will continue to do so. Although I want to spice up the genres on my 23rd!

I managed to cook some staple dishes on my own! The reason for it wasn’t something I’d want to remember though...

I biked around the town with my cousin (and his friend once). That was something.

I bought a jump rope and managed to achieve a 5-day streak. I shall return. 

This isn’t much but I posted a song cover on instagram as a part of Piss-Myself-Off agenda. It’s nice to make actions from rage targeted on my wimpy self. 

Left 4 Dead 2 game sessions; voice chats with IRL friends; keeping up with my online friends. 

QUITTING MY JOB. Not only that, this includes the stuff I’ve done before my resignation. I recall that one-on-one call with Tiffany. 

Sang in the car with my friends present. It was cringe on my part but I wanted to show them a bit of myself that I should have revealed before. I've had so much realisations on friendship this year, and I hope I remember all of them and actually make a progress on my platonic relationships. 

2022 is the year of the tiger and no matter how many times I deny that I am a believer of horoscopes, I'd say this is my year. I mean, 23 was a pretty good year for Taylor because of RED. I have a very good feeling about it. I will just shrug off the doubt and fears. I am no longer getting younger and I have noticed that although I’ve had mini breakthroughs, a pile of regrets continues to overshadow them. 

Truthfully, I still have no idea what the fuck this life is for. I have no proper motivation. I know family should be enough but I get this weird anxiety and sense of disorientation and confusion as to what this life is really about. Certain thing is I do think I am wasting it-- whatever this life is.  I suppose I just have to continue to challenge myself to find out. To be a seeker, like my alter ego: Julian the Sky Child of the Light.  Also-- a reminder that although the confusion really gets into your head, something deep inside your heart urges you to remember that what makes this life worth it is the people who you love and love you. There is so much work to do this year. I would say take your time in some things but you and I both know there are so much crap that are long overdue. Like maybe your weight? Being a better daughter? A better friend? I don’t know. Just... try to be better. Your life isn’t going to be your favourite quirky books. We don’t know yet. But you have the right and will to forcibly inject happiness into your lacklustre life. You have people who love you so much. Goddamn. They exist. That’s enough to go on. Not money. Not strangers’ recognition. It’s them. They're enough. You know the people who will move mountains for you even if they are few, there is happiness. There is love. I mean, cmon, what will fill your mind when you sit alone? It’s always the people in your life. So cherish them while you can. So well yeah I guess get ready for heavy conversations (like every conversation is for you lmao) Don’t try to be perfect and good anymore. People don’t even see you as that. Just be real but try to be respectful and avoid drama. Beefs happen. You see it everywhere.  For now, it is alright to live day by day. We don't have to be like others. It is about your own pace. We are not that strong but we will try. Romanticise the shit out of it. Don’t take life’s lemons too seriously, I guess. They will rot and you will thrive. Then you will be stronger for the next ones.  Onto 23, Kuliano.