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honestly, my heart feels like it's punching me from the inside. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I could tell you about I feel like I'm such an inconvenience to my family and my friends. Or how this literally has been the worst summer of my life. But right now, I want to talk my sister. The oldest one. You see we have a weird relationship. She's the oldest in the family and I'm the youngest. I don't remember a time she lived at home. She's always been that sister who lived far away to me. We were never close. She went to college in Utah when I was 5 years old. She got married when I was 8. And had her first kid when I was 10. I have no problem with her, really. I always wished that someday we might be close but I'm starting to think that will never happen. You see, she is opinionated. Like, REALLY opinionated. For example: I am writing a note to myself. There is no importance to this note besides me seeing it. I have one red pen and one blue pen. I choose to use the blue pen. However, she would put me down for using such a "ridiculous and stupid" pen. She would proceed to yell at you every reason she is right and you are wrong and she will fight it to her death. She makes me feel like dirt. I'm in a funk right now. Not happy but not exactly sad. I'm so appreciative of my brother and younger older sister. They get me. Anyways, m.k. (7/9/16)

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stupid knee

Hello.

We are simply going to skip the part where I say sorry for not writing in forever....we do not have time for that.

Today is a big day.

Today I got my MRI results back.

2 weeks ago, in Journalism class, I was playing a game called K-Ball just for fun as part of our sports photography unit. While I was in the field, reaching for a ball, my knee twisted and I fell to the ground.

Yes, ha ha. I hurt my knee in a writing class, I know, I know it’s hysterical.

But, today I found out that I actually tore my ACL with bone bruises, tore my medial meniscus, and sprained my MCL....playing kickball.

I’m going to be out of softball for 6 months which really pisses me off because I endured school ball all season (and I HATED school ball) just waiting to get back to the only travel team I have ever liked.

Also, on this travel team I was going to be the starting pitcher, but now... Nope. I can’t start training again until the first of the year.

this just sucks.

signing out yo,

m.k.

(5/31/16)

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Best Night Of My Life: Jack and Jack Concert

So tonight was the most amazing night ever. My legs hurt, my hair is poofy, I smell like sweat, but it's all worth it. Today I got to Cincinnati for the Jack and Jack concert and meet and greet at 2 o'clock. We stood in line for two hours before they finally let us in at 4 o'clock. We met this girl named Megan, who Brooklyn and I talked to a lot. She was from Kentucky and was really nice. But at 4 o'clock I got really excited because I finally got to meet Jack and Jack. My friend had made me Jack and Jack shoes awhile back and I brought them to the concert. Everyone was telling me that I just HAD to get them signed. But, in the meet and greet rules, no autographs were allowed. My dad was there to see me and my cousin meet them. The first thing I did was give Jack Johnson a hug and then I showed them my shoes. And I gave Jack Gilinsky a hug and omg they both give the best hugs ever. But as soon as Johnson saw the shoes he pulled out his phone and made a snapchat video and posted it with me in it!!! It was so amazing. So, then this security guard must've saw the marker in the shoes because he came over and said, "Hey, just a reminder that there's no autographs," But right then I didn't even care because I was so happy and so I just said, "Okay," Well as soon as the security guy walked away Jack Johnson leaned down and said, "Do you want us to sign them?" So I was like "Yes!!" And so both Jacks signed the shoes and it made me so happy. And right before they did it, the security guy started walking over there as if he was going to stop them, but Johnson said, "Hey they are too fresh to not sign" and so he went against the rules for me and it made me just so happy. We then took a picture, that turned out alright. And I gave them both hugs and said goodbye. So then Brooklyn met them and I waited for her. Right outside the m&g was the merch table, so I got a t-shirt, a poster, and a beanie! I was like freaking out though because I had just met Jack and Jack like oh my gosh. And then my dad took our stuff and we went to the small crowd that was forming. We ended up being in the second row, right in the direct center of the stage all night. It was so amazing, they were so close and clear and wow they performed amazingly. After the concert, me, my dad, and Brooklyn went to a pizzeria and got pizza and then went to downtown Cincinnati, because it was soooo pretty. Though we stood for 7 and a half hours straight without sitting once, it was so unbelievably perfect. It was definitely the best night ever. I'm never going to forget it <3 love, m.k. (2/19/16)

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As January Closes...

Okay, so right now it is currently 10:38 pm and I should be asleep, saying it is a Sunday and a school night, and my stomach hurts. However, since it's January 31, I wanted to right just a little for the end of the month. For one, 2016 has been pretty good so far. Other than a few annoying people here and there, (and the fact I hate school with a burning passion) it's been alright. I don't really like weights for softball though, but I do enjoy the open gyms. I also can say I have officially read ever single Harry Potter book. I have joined the "wow I get references club," once again. It's great. I still do not like my brother in law. He and my sister were here this weekend and he irks me so much. My family other than that is still pretty awesome. Today we had a family get together, the first "family time" and it's theme was "Oma and Opa". It was nice because I got to see some of my younger cousins that I don't usually get to see. PS: mission to get crush to ask me to snowcoming is ago. I'll keep you updated. :) m.k. (1/31/16)

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Guten Nacht <3

Today was nice, because there was no school due to Martin Luther King Jr. Day. My mom decided to have a movie marathon day at the theater. I loveee these days because I love going to the movies. We saw "Room" and "Spotlight" both are Oscar nominees which I thought were fantastic. I'm really not looking forward to school tomorrow, as I have my first speech in speech class and I overall hate school. Oh well, good night m.k. (1/18/16) 9:28 PM

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To The Critic Inside My Head

PROMPT #1: Critic Inside My Head Dear Critic, Stop being so hard on yourself. All of your "imperfections" are what makes you you. And no matter what people say, you should like who you are. So you get shy and weird around people, you still have awesome friends that LOVE that about you. And that freckle on your chin? Your face would be empty without it. Hear a catchy tune? Get up and do dance, and don't care who sees it. To the critic inside my head, stop being a critic and see the beauty inside of you because you deserve it. Love, yourself

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The Feels

Wow, so I completely and utterly failed at my New Years resolution. Sorry about that. So, I don't remember if I've talked about the boy I like but he's best friend and yeah. So, lately we've been hanging out a lot and I'm like so happy. Last week we went to a basketball game and it was me, him, and my other friend. And that next day he invited me over to take pictures, which was so much fun because there was snow and it was with him. And today there was a basketball game but I didn't know so I missed the first one so he told me to come to the second one and I did and we literally talked alllll game long. And wow...I'm seriously having the feels like oh gosh. I like him so much and I really want to know if he likes me back. Yeah, so that's what's been on my mind recently. Byeee write you soon <3, m.k. (1/15/16) 10:44 PM

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Here’s a picture from today. picture was taken: (12/31/15) 5:23 p.m.

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Happy New Year 2016

Welp, another year has gone by! I am super excited for this year but I honestly don't know why. One thing I didn't even think about is a New Years resolution. I've decided I want this account to be it. To actually commit my self to writing everyday again. Future Self: do not make fun of me if I fail Happy new year, me. Keep believing in yourself and pushing yourself to be the best you can be. Don't give up and keep on moving forward. Good night, see you tomorrow ;) m.k. (1/1/16) 1:13 AM

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Something Wicked

Tonight was amazing! My mom and dad all week would not tell us what we're doing today. All they would say is to not make plans. This morning, at breakfast, my mom gave me and my sister tickets to see Wicked in St. Louis! Holy fladoodles it was amazing!! Best night ever! The production was absolutely phenomenal. And, we got to see our sister in St. Louis! Great night :) xoxo, m.k. (12/22/15)

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Alone

Have you ever just felt empty? I’m not sure how to explain it because it’s not always like this. It’s as if there are times when my heart and mind are both happy, everything is okay and I am able to be and outspoken, funny girl.

But other times, when my heart feels like the first cold gush of wind when you open a door on a cold December night.

For example, last night my sister came home from the Virgin Islands. My mom, dad, brother, and I went to pick her up. It was midnight and I was quite tired so I was a bit slap happy and everything in the world was great.

The next day in school everything was good because I knew I’d get to come home and spend some time with her.

I also got an email from my cousin’s neighbor in Germany. (This is a huge deal) I sent letters to two addresses in Germany and after a week of waiting, I got a reply!

I was so overjoyed by the fact, I couldn’t stop smiling…AND my sister was home.

But when I got home, my sister was not there. She was out with “friends”. Which, I totally expected to happen, but not the FIRST day I get to hang out with her. The day I skip pitching lessons because she was home.

I guess I’m being a little selfish, but I just don’t feel like she cares about me as much as I care about her. And that’s why I’m sitting in bed at 7 o'clock and writing this lame journal entry.

And this moment, my heart feels like that December night.

I just wish she understood or cared enough to think about me.

Sorry for not posting, I’ll try to start back up again, but no promises. I’ve learned you can never trust a work promise from a procrastinator such as I.

until next time,

m.k.

6:57 PM

(12/15/15)

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A fall day, about a week ago.

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Shark Memories

So, I promised that I’d write about a moment over fall break that had to do with my niece and nephew.

So, over fall break I went to my sisters house in southwest Kansas. While I was on my computer, editing a photo, my nephew came up and asked what a button did on my laptop.

I quickly said, “Don’t touch that!” To avoid messing up my photo.

He was confused and asked why so I replied, “It will send you into space!”

I said it with all seriousness. All week whenever I said something funny or jokingly he’d say, “You’re just kidding!” But, this time when he asked I said that I wasn’t and proceeded to tell him about other buttons on my computer.

One button sent him straight into the ground, another made him blow up, and one made his mom turn into a pig.

I asked him if we should do it and he got really scared and told me we shouldn’t turn his mom into a pig. By this point, Juliet, my niece joined in on the excitement by sitting on my lap.

The last button that I showed him was a button to turn my sister who is currently in college at the University Of The Virgin Islands into a shark. I had to convince him to do it though. I said it would be perfectly fine since she is right by the ocean. I also had to tell him how funny it would be when she turned into a shark and all of her friends would be confused.

He was unsure at first, worried that she would remain a shark forever, but I assured him that she would turn back into a human.

So, after lots of persuading, I gave him the honors of clicking the “F” button on my computer to her into a shark.

So, then, my mom, over hearing the whole conversation and being amused by the two kids total belief in the shark button, called my sister.

Let’s just say she was a tad bit confused when thee first thing my mom asked was, “Are you a shark?”

Austin and Juliet waited for a response in absolute excitement. Luckily, my sister caught on quickly and said that yes, she had indeed been a shark for the last couple minutes. After a while my mom and my sisters call ended and I started to text my sister.

One thing that is great about them, is they can’t read yet so I was able to explain the whole situation over text without them knowing. I asked her to send a picture using the underwater filter on snapchat. The kids really got a kick out of that and they were sole believers afterwards.

It was starting to get a little late and Juliet began to get a little tired on my lap. By this time, Austin and Juliet were corresponding with my sister over snapchat video. Austin asked if she was mad at him for turning her into a shark several times.

She replied with yes! She was “mad” at him. And she said, “I’m not getting you presents for Christmas or Juliet either,” and I kid you not. As soon as she said “Juliet”, Juliet started bawling her eyes out. She was so tired and the mere thought that she would be missing out on a Christmas present from her aunt was just too much for her.

I quickly showed my sister that she was super upset and my sister reassured her that Juliet would be receiving presents.

For the rest of the week Austin kept wanting to turn her into a shark, until I told him we only had “one token” left.

He asked what a token was and I explained to him that it was kind of like a coin and controlled how many times we could click the button.

I told we had to save it for the last day because if we wanted more tokens we had to go to “The Depths of Narnia” to get more. And that was very far away.

After we went home, Austin and Juliet went around calling relatives and telling everyone they would be getting a new sibling in May and when they called my sister in the USVI all they talked about was the shark button. She told me that my other sister, their mom, said that was all they had been talking about and had been telling everyone about it.

It’s such a funny memory how I totally tricked my niece and nephew into believing that I could turn my sister into a shark. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

m.k.

(10/30/15)

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Sorry and Goodnight

Sorry for such a sad post below. I know I have so much to catch up on. I need to tell you allll about fall break and some funny moments with my niece and nephew. I promise I will get to it. (Yes yes "whew! More promises that will take forever to be done!") I'll try my best. I would tell you right now but honestly every time I try to write I get really sad and want to explain every sad thought I have so. I'm going to get some sleep. goodnight, m.k. 11:29 PM (10/23/15)

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Nonsense

Hello. I'm sorry I have repeatedly said I was going to keep up with this and haven't. Aren't I awesome? I guess. I just don't know how I feel anymore. It seems like on this blog I say I'm upset and proceed to list off every happy event that has happened to me that day. It's like I'm trying to disguise that I'm constantly upset. Or the fact that I'm an annoying brat who is ungrateful. I guess that would make sense. It's just sometimes, I feel so alone. And I know, it's extremely selfish to say that. I feel bad saying it honestly, because I know that so many people have screwed up lives and here I am with two parents that love me. I guess it's hard to explain. I love my mom and dad so much and my siblings and my cousins and yet I feel constantly like no one wants me to really be me around them. I try so hard to make everyone around me happy, and yet I cry everyday over...what exactly? Not even I understand myself and it sucks. It's like a freaking spell is put over me and boom I'm sad. It makes perfect sense why I am upset then and then I look back and try to write how I felt and...nothing. Absolutely, nothing. Even now this entire post is a bunch of words that makes no sense. I just don't know how to feel anymore. m.k. 11:25 PM (10/23/15)

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Good Morning World!

Yesterday was my birthday and I want to tell you alllll about it! So I woke up and Andrea and Ryen were now in town so we went to breakfast. The food was really good, but the conversation my parents and Andrea and Ryen were having was really boring. Afterwards, we went and saw Pan, the knew Peter Pan movie. It was sooooo good! It was even cooler because we went to a theater with reclining chairs so it was like we were in bed watching a movie. Then, we went home and got ready for my family party. It was alright I guess, I had really good cake that looked awesome because my friends mom made it. Also, I got like a hundred and five bucks to add on to my hundred and thirty. Afterwards, Robby, Brooklyn, Jeffrey, and I went to Indy scream park. It was reallyyyy fun but pretty scary. I had fun, but I don't know what to get with my money. Also, I got two beta fish. I named them Phoenix and Hydra. They are pretty legit. Anyways, my birthday was alright. And, I'm 15 now! later haters, m.k. (10/12/15)

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Why Hello

Well, it is currently 10:29 pm on the eve of my 15th birthday and I’m not sure how I feel. Usually the day before my birthday I feel excited, anxious, and bubbly. But right now, I just feel empty. I don’t really know why though.

Before I continue, I would like to apologize for being so awful at actually keeping up with this.

Yesterday I had my birthday party and it was actually a lot of fun! Although a lot of people had excuses on to why they couldn’t come, but in my opinion it was better this way. 

I just did this thing, where I wrote a short letter to every best friend I’ve ever had. I though it was going to be really depressing because in all of them, minus two, I feel like it was me who ruined it. But, after writing those, I realize now, relationships, even friends, are a two way thing. When you totally get cut off from someone, it’s not just your fault, both of the people played a part. It kind of gave me closure to some of my friendships that never did I guess.

I feel like I should have a lot to write about since I haven’t in like forever (I know I know I’m sorry :( ) But, I just don’t, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like if I write past 10:30 at night I forget every feeling I’ve been wanting to write about.

I’m going to try to do better. 

goodnight,

m.k.

(10/10/15)