feb25

[feb25]

watching bats and swallows flying around

[feb25]

I got extremely stressed and upset today so I beat another three personal records when I went running

[feb25]

I had a sleepless night and not only am I completely unable to focus on anything for longer than 5 seconds, I also purchased a labubu

[feb25]

turns out that working on myself so that I am less of a mean judgmental fuck also makes me less judgmental of myself, who would have thought

I talked about my fear of judgement during therapy today and once I noticed what exactly was the source of my fear of being scrutinized at every step, once I talked through the mechanism of it, it no longer makes sense. it’s just absurd to internalize personal bias of people i almost never talk to, just out of fear of making them slightly uncomfortable at worst. since I began this therapy, I’ve been kinda intuitively removing myself from social situations where judgement and gossip is what keeps the interaction going and looking back, now I feel a lot lighter in comparison. not thinking about how I may seem entitled, or cringe, or delusional by expressing my opinions or by making any kind of choices. what makes me a bit sad is that in some cases, I had overall good relationships with people who were extremely judgmental towards many others, just not me, and now I see that staying in touch with them will ultimately result in internalizing their bias. which at this point is not something I’m willing to do.

[feb25]

smell of hot asphalt, linden flowers, soap and wild berries rotting on the ground

[feb25]

everything is difficult

[feb25]

grateful for

long walks that make me appreciate my city even more

today’s trip with my partner and our friend

being able to sell some of my old stuff

old videos of my fav yt creator that still make me comfy

night runs

all the good food we’ve been eating recently (ratatouille 💖)

drinking coffee together

everything pistachio flavored

new second-hand summer clothes

office small talks with people I like a lot and haven’t seen for a long time

[feb25]

went to look at the desert from afar

[feb25]

somehow a very productive day smoothly turned into an unbearable evening, I became so overstimulated, irrationally angry and full of restless energy with nothing to put it into, had an hour of yoga and now I’m just exhausted and very sleepy. is it what a psychic attack feels like

[feb25]

once again I am asking: is being this uncomfortable normal or am I overreacting

[feb25]

multiple parks a day

[feb25]

a couple of days of feeling vaguely sad. thinking about how I cannot imagine a me that isn’t ultimately very lonely, unable to have a meaningful connection with others. I don’t think it’s something I can learn. even if I drain myself of energy to maintain a relationship, it is almost always one-sided and dies once I stop reaching out first. and I barely have any energy left.

[feb25]

my sister: *orders lemon meringue pie* *leaves meringue because she doesn’t like it in general* I love her

[feb25]

[feb25]

"I am not doing well” is my current brain hiccup, I catch myself thinking this exact thought a couple of times a day, although, in fact, I’m doing quite ok. is it a self fulfilling prophecy, a spell to prevent me from jinxing the quite ok state, or a wish because quite ok seems odd, unfamiliar and hard to navigate? we shall see

[feb25]

[feb25]