feeeeon

[feeeeon]

2024 ?

New years resolution.

- Be present

- be grateful

- most clice one ; lose weight 😂🫰🏻

[feeeeon]

Started working again . Maternity leave has finally come to an end . This time round, pumping is quite hard . Cause the milk keeps spilling . 🥹 need to pump a lot more times, no rest on weekends e specially cause need to keep for the baby . 🥹 sigh …. Need to keep strong and keep trying to give the best for this little pwincess

[feeeeon]

A first for everything .

Well , well , well . I got what I asked for ! LSCS baby .

But add on the E , for emergency . So It was EMLSCS .

Baby was smol sized and slightly premature . Well , combine prem & smol , what do u get ? Another round of solitary confiement for a least 100 days ya ? Ya . 🥹

What is up with me & these premature babies 😅 and to think im gonna have A BIG one because my tummy was HUGE !!! Turns out ? Baby is only …… 1.8kg 🫠

Ok ok ok . 😪 now tell me Im gonna lose TONS more sleep than i do because baby is breasfeed fully AND i have to pump to add on . Because we need her to gain the weight . 🥹🥹🥹🥹

[feeeeon]

Pregnancy

To some , pregnancy is… your honemoon . Or it could be hell altoghther because of the roller coaster emotions , hormones . 🥺

They say 3rd times a charmer ? I dont know about that 🥹

when I was young , I have always thought being pregnant was something I would have want . Something I would cherish . 1st baby was a bliss . No morning sickness . No invalid emotions . It was smooth sailing (well minus the bleeding & endless doctors appointments) .

2nd time round it was all “ cautious” no this , not that . Missed parties , missed gatherings… just so that we do actually get to the due date .

On to the 3rd pregnancy . 🥹 I feel , robbed . Im robbed of all the things i wanted to do . Carrying a baby is tiring . 🥹 it reaaaalllly made me feel like I lost myself .

I joke about it . But deep down ? Yes . I dont feel like myself . I didnt like being pregnant . i didnt like to feel hopeless , feeling heavy all the time . Not able to turn without feeling pain on my hips at night . Or walking to the car feeling like i wanna pee myself .

This time round . i really think to myself , is this really hormones ? Or is it me ? This is not me blaming it on the poor baby . No . I am fully aware that my baby has nothing to do with this… baby is innocent.

It . Is . Just. Me.

Its me that I hate . its my body . Every bit of it . Its fat I think im ugly . I feel like dying . Yes . IT IS JUST ME ! I just cant shake off the feeling that almost all the folds of my body are getting darker . 🥹 my eyelash wont stay on for more than 2 weeks 🥹 my hair always getting greasy . 🥹 please dear self . Heal . 🥹 baby isnt even here yet Im already depressed . 🥺 imagine what would la k of sleep , bleeding , pain , sore can do to me . Haihhh….

Sudah la Fee . Just move on lah .

[feeeeon]

After almost a year not working shifts , I didnt have more time with the kids . 🥹 I didnt have more tine with my family .

There is no “ are u working tomorrow” txts from mom.

There isnt more cuddle time with the kids…. 🥹 especialy my scond born . 🥹 its always , me walking up earlier than the kids and coming back to them after a long , hectic & tiring day at work not being gentle enough for them 🥹

But I do know 1 thing ; I slept with my kids EVERY single night . 🙂

Their growing . I am sure of that . I might not be the best . But I will try harder

[feeeeon]

My Tumblr has always been so depressing…. there need to be light here . 💋 years about to end . I don’t need that shitty depressed-self . I need to manifest some light 💡. Come ye light into my life . 💋 shine it on this black black soul of mine .

[feeeeon]

My sweet sweet tooth 🦷. My love for macarons are endless

[feeeeon]

Because , I deserve every single bit of it . Own money , Own sweat & tear , my very own . YSL . 💋

[feeeeon]

It’s all empty. it will continue to become empty . 😶‍🌫️🥱

[feeeeon]

Told my sons I’m gonna die tonight . Completely messed up . But I don’t feel…. Everyone is going to die sooner or later right ? I ask myself, what could possibly be the reason I’m alive . No unfinished business , I don’t think I have anything more to gain in life . It might be that I haven’t provide enough for my kids ? My mom ? Am I significant? Am I worthy of living , am I worthy of being a creature that exists in this world ? 🥱🥱🥱🥱 I am dead today. I will continue to die every day . And if I don’t wake up tomorrow or any other day later in life . Goodbye 👋🏻

[feeeeon]

My dear,

U have enough . U are a good in every way possible . You will do great things in life & Surely u will succeed . Do not worry about anything else . I love you . Everyone loves you , even in your darkest most hurt full days , u are loved . Be kind always . Never , lose your smile . 🥰🙂

[feeeeon]

Here is to all the people I choose to cut off;

You all knew me when I didnt know boundries or lacked self esteem and was a people pleaser.

Let me RE-introduce myself ; I burn bridges . 😏 Im not sorry for it. Drama only exist in my green circle . 🥲

XOXO, FY

[feeeeon]

A year into the unknown…

Started 22’ gambling . Gambled with time . gambled with money . gambled with loads of stuffs .

Halfway into it . I am truly glad I took the chance to gamble. 🥹

[feeeeon]

Covid is real.

we didn’t know where it came from . we didn’t invite it . we sanitise our things we bath we took so many precautions yet u STILL get infected .

its not safe out there . its just a matter of time before ur household collapse. we’re lucky enough to get vaccinated earlier symptoms wasn’t that bad , Kids got it harder tho but we still managed .

I feel , numb . I don’t have sense of smell & taste.. its funny .

[feeeeon]

For my kids

It don't make sense, but nevertheless

You gotta believe us, it's all for the best

It don't make sense

The way things go

Son you should know

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love

Sometimes two homes are better than one

Some things you can't tell your brother 'cause he's still too young

Yeah you'll understand

When you love someone

[feeeeon]

I may be a strong woman , who can handle shit all on her own .

In all of that tough “shell” Belive me , I too want to be taken care of , I want romance , it can never be too cheesy .

the cute txts , the little2 surprises , the in-jokes , the hand holding , the hair stroking…. Yes , I want to be taken care of .

Yes , i can take care of myself but it feels nice to be taken care of . 🤫

[feeeeon]

I started excercising in the hopes of loosing weight & inches .

Got a PT . become an uncertified PT tp my friends BUT Im still not loosing .

its not about the weight . its about inches . or body fat percentage . BUT .

now . NOW i feel like throwing up. My brain tells me not to purdge on food . Im quite scared of eating . Almost everytime when I do eat , I wanna vomit . like now . I just ate , and I feel like I wanna throw up . urrghhhh . its not eating disorder right ? Im not skinny , im not underweight . I just dont feel good . blehhhh