feelings-n-shitx

[feelings-n-shitx]

regarding the disordered eating.

i’m typing this from inpatient, i’ve been here for 15 days now. i’m in forced recovery and have been diagnosed with anorexia. i didn’t come here by choice though. on 31/07/21 i went out with my dad to the bookstore but while there i fainted and my parents took me to the hospital. a few throngs were wrong aside from my weight (38kg) like in my blood and stuff i think. i was on a drip for about 4 days, for hydration and other things. i don’t want to be here. they’re making me follow a meal plan of 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, which of course i do not want to do. initially i was on half portions, and then 3/4 to avoid refeeding syndrome. i don’t want to recover and i hate this but i know that if i continued with what i was doing before with no changes i’d be here soon anyway. i regret so bad going out that day, because maybe there’d be a chance of me going for longer.

i’ve decided that once i’m able to, because now that my family know about my ed it will be a while, i’ll relapse. i don’t want to recover. i’ll do it differently this time though, with a higher intake and i’ll workout too, i didn’t do that last time because i didn’t have the energy and i was too weak.

tonight i get to go home to sleep, which means i can workout at night and hopefully get some of these calories off. i plan to do that every night from now on.

they’re not meant to tell me my weight for obvious reasons but i don’t think my dad really knows what he’s doing because last night he told me i’ve “only gained 1kg”, which hurt, even though i knew i’d gained here just by looked at myself. that means i’m about 39kg right now, which is still ok so i’m not too stressed about it.

an idea i have at the moment is to lie to my doctors/ physiatrists and say that i lied about some of what i have told them, that i mostly faked my ed for attention and made things up, so then maybe they’ll let me control my food again earlier. i’m not 100% sure if i’ll do that yet though.

i don’t know if i’ve said here yet but i self harm, by cutting. when i went to a&e my doctors saw the cuts on my right thigh. i lied n said that was all there was so they don’t know about the ones on my left thigh. since being here i’ve had a couple trips off the ward to go home. my mum found one of my blades that i left on my bedside table and again i lied and said that that was all there was CONT

*there’s probably more for me to say that i’ve forgotten so ill probably add more later

[feelings-n-shitx]

i want to be able to eat, but that means recovery, and recovery means i’m not sick anymore. if i’m not sick anymore i’m not happy so what do i do? either way i’m not happy, but i feel like having my ed gives me a valid reason to be unhappy, but if i’m sad because i’m not sad thats selfish and makes me feel incredibly guilty. i’m stuck

i feel like if i lose more i’ll die, so maybe i should recover? i don’t know. it’s either mental pain, from not being sick, or physical pain, from dying of malnutrition. i think i’d rather the first one but i still want to be sick. i don’t know what to do.

i had that doctors appointment today, but it was over text instead of in person. it was very short, and i ended up telling her that i don’t want help. now i’m not sure if that was the best decision. i don’t see my therapist anymore so i can’t tell her. my only option is my mum. i know she’ll be immensely supportive but i still don’t want to. i don’t know what to do

[feelings-n-shitx]

hi

want to talk about my eating problems again.

on the last day of school, my mum wanted to take me out for lunch as a treat. she was so sweet about it, telling me how proud she is of me. i couldn’t though. you know why. it hurt so bad that i couldn’t because i could tell she really wanted to take me out. i ended up ordering sushi for dinner, since that’s what was lowest cal from i could choose from.

i weigh 37.7kg right now.

a few days ago i posted on reddit my height and weight and asked how dangerous my situation was. someone replied and basically told me i’m dying and that i need to get help now because if i keep doing what i’m doing i will die. it absolutely terrified me.

then completely coincidentally, my mum texted me, saying that when they weighed me at the dentist (about a week ago) a was low and she checked my bmi. said that the nhs recommended i go to a gp. i said i was fine but then i realised that this was the perfect opportunity to get help. long story short, cos i can’t be arsed explaining, she’s making me a doctors appointment tomorrow.

i know i need to get help for my physical health, but that means also getting help for my ed. i don’t really want to. i know that if i keep doing what im doing i’ll die, but most of me doesn’t want to recover from my ed mentally. i haven’t been sick long enough. it’s only been a month and a half, that’s so embarrassing. im going to have to tell them tomorrow. im worried.

from what i’ve read you get hospitalised at bmi 15 or under, which means there’s a good chance that i will be. that doesn’t worry me though. what worries me is potentially getting better, like i’ve said before, i want to be mentally ill, so of course i don’t want to get better. but then part of me does want to get better. one of the reasons i don’t want to tell them is because i know that if i get better, i still won’t be happy because i’ll just go back to being sad about being happy. so i might never be truly happy, i’ll always fuck myself up somehow

[feelings-n-shitx]

hi hi

still struggle with eating. im kinda still trying to recover but also not really. from what i’ve heard a big part of having an ed is being torn between thoughts. i get that a lot. in a way it’s like a parasite. like i have 2 minds. on one hand i know very well that what i’m doing to myself is bad and i want to get better and stop, but on the other i don’t want to get better. on one hand i know that eating over 400 cals isn’t gonna make me fat, but on the other i believe it will.

my cal limit isn’t really 300 anymore, i’m definitely eating more which ig is good. in the past week i’ve eaten things i wouldn’t have a couple weeks ago, like a few small slices of pizza, and sushi. i’ve only eaten sushi for the past 3 days. i like sushi.

today i skipped breakfast and lunch, though i don’t think breakfast counts cos i woke up at 12. for tea i ate left over sushi (250 cals). all day i felt so weak. especially in the evening. every movement is hard, even just moving my eyes to look at something. i had to eat a piece of toast with peanut butter because i felt so awful. i still feel weak

i don’t know when i’ll recover. i’m thinking i will eventually but i don’t know when or if i’ll get professional help or not. atm i’m thinking i haven’t been sick long enough to get help so i’ll probably leave it longer or until i pass out in front of someone or something. idk

i could probably say more on this and other stuff but my mind is foggy

[feelings-n-shitx]

hi.

i’m not sure if i’ve said it here or not but i struggle a lot with a desire to be mentally ill. recently, in the past 6 months or so, i’ve been feeling as though i’m getting better, with the anxiety and stuff. the stuff that i think used to be my biggest issues. but with that has come an intense want to be ill. mentally. i felt so so bad that i wasn’t mentally ill (even though i’m still not sure it’s gone and i’m better, i might just be really good at coping), maybe even worse than i did when i actually was ill. i find comfort in suffering.

the worst part though, is that that desire to be ill actually made me ill. in the last month (maybe a little less? i don’t remember) i have developed quite bad eating problems. i think it’s anorexia, or at least it’s very similar. i’m counting calories, trying to stay under 300 atm. when i started i was trying to stay under 200. i’ll probably talk about it more soon but right now i can’t focus enough on it.

in the past few days i’ve been trying to recover from it by myself. it’s harder than i thought it’d be. on saturday night i ate toast and a bunch of cereal. it was fine in the moment but after (maybe in the morning or the same night idk) i felt guilty and regretted it. today (monday) i ate toast for breakfast, just so i can function enough in school. skipped lunch. somehow got back into the recover mindset again at tea and ate all of it (curry) and then regretted it again. it made me feel fat and i wish i hadn’t have done it.

i made a post about that stuff on reddit earlier today, asking for advice. about 5 people replied and 1 messaged me privately. that means so much to me. that people are talking to me. giving me attention. that’s all i ever want. attention from people other than my family. i’m so desperate for it. one person who replied is 33 and has had an ED since they were 15. they told me to recover now. i looked at their profile and i’m the only post they’ve ever interacted with. they’ve been on reddit for a year. i’m the first one. me. that means so much. i think i’ll listen to them.

[feelings-n-shitx]

im starting to think i have dysmorphia a lot more.

like 5 minutes ago i went to the bathroom and when i looked in the mirror i looked different. it scared me this time, it hasn’t made me scared before.

it’s never a drastic change, but usually small enough to notice and be a bit confused.

usually it’s just my face but sometimes my body too. like yesterday i remember being very thin and curved but today i’m not? like i know for sure it’s not like bloating.

:/

[feelings-n-shitx]

i had a dream that i was being chased up on the track. i was with troy, one of my class mates, and bethany, an internet bud.

i don’t remember what we were running from or if we got away but it was terrifying and i woke up anxious.

also, recently i’ve noticed that if i really focus on it, most of the time i’m anxious. not about anything in particular, it’s just there. it makes me think, has it just gotten so normal that i don’t notice anymore? or have i gotten so good at daydreaming and distracting myself that i don’t feel it?

[feelings-n-shitx]

had a a v graphic dream about a bunch of kids dying in horrible accidents idk if that means anything

[feelings-n-shitx]

scratch the last post, i think the reason i feel like im better is because of the daydreaming. cos when i daydream, which is quite literally all the time, im happy because of the daydreams. like they are scenarios that would leave you with a happy feelings irl, so that why i feel like im better now.

when i was in school today i got really sad, i wasn’t daydreaming. i realised how lonely i am, not that i didn’t know before but yknow, and it hurt. we were in a class with the other kids in the school cos the year 11s left today and there are only like 8 of the rest of us lol. anyways we (not me) were just talking with the teacher about what we wanted to do because we weren’t gonna do a lesson. i realised that everyone in the school but me had a friend. they had someone to talk to. to laugh with. everyone. but. me. i shed a few tears and i had a lump in my throat and by the end of the day i just felt empty.

[feelings-n-shitx]

im starting to think the reason i feel like i’m better now is because everything is so normal now i don’t notice is like i used to.

[feelings-n-shitx]

i just want it to feel real even though i know it hurts. just let me feel it again PLEASE

[feelings-n-shitx]

i just wanna cry. that's all i want. i can feel it i want it but i CANT and i don't know why

[feelings-n-shitx]

she was exited. she was so exited and i gave her nothing. i gave her none of it.

i remember so vividly thinking about my teen years, how exited i was to go to secondary school. i thought it'd be so much better. i though id have friends. i thought id walk homeboy myself. i thought id go to the corner shop andyuy sweets. i thought it'd be fun. all i wanted was that. it was so simple. why couldn't i just give her that? she wanted so little and i gave her nothing.

[feelings-n-shitx]

school is doing a trip to blackpool in a couple months. i think i’ll go, because i know if i don’t i’ll regret that too. i’ll talk about the regret in another post.

[feelings-n-shitx]

i talk to people in my head a lot. it’s not made up people, sometimes it is, but people that i idolise. like my favourite band members ect. i talk to them as myself but in the future, a me that has gotten over everything i’m ‘dealing’ with. i have come to the realisation that i do that to distance myself from it all. and it works because now none of it feels real. like i’m just so desensitised to the loneliness and stuff that it’s like it’s not there. i don’t know if i like that or not.

[feelings-n-shitx]

still crying but not as much. i just read all of the posts here and bloody hell i didn’t realise how bad it’s been. one of the big things recently (?) is that i have a really bad memory.

i wanna be sad. i wanna be mad. i wanna feel lonely. i just wanna feel something real. i think all of my happiness recently is fabricated, because i daydream all the time. i was wondering a lot about why i daydream, like i know that it’s a coping mechanism, but i don’t know what im coping with? but after reading the past posts i think i do. i just want straight answers yknow. i don’t wanna have to wonder. even if im in a bad state i at least wanna be able to say ‘oh it’s because i have depression/anxiety/whatever the fuck’.

with the daydreaming has become an unrealistic view of the future. at the moment, and for the past very long while, i’ve been dead s egg that im going to be a rockstar, a guitarist to be specific. i really want that to happen, i do, but what are the odds? like i literally cannot see myself doing ANYTHING but that, so if it doesn’t happen what am i gonna do? this includes relationships as well. along side the rockstar shit, i’m convinced i’ll have the perfect relationship with this perfect person ive made up in my head. i love him but he doesn’t exist. he’s pretty much always there, it’s very comforting. he’s so specific though, including his accent, that i don’t know if i’ll be able to find someone like him. i really hope i do though.

[feelings-n-shitx]

crying again. i cant even cry anymore without daydreaming. like i literally cannot do it. i have to make up some sad ass scenario just to make myself cry. i can FEEL it i WANT to cry but i CANT FUCK