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feelingsandshit · 4 years

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Buckle up because I guess this might be a long one.

I just watched Love, Victor. And it’s amazing, I really did love it, but I was also so hopeful. He was dating a girl, and I thought that maybe that meant he would be like me. Of course he was just confused and thought he romantically liked her, but it still hurts. My parents love and accept me but they can’t understand. My straight friend or my gay friend can’t understand. My brothers bi but he’s making his own way in the world.

I don’t see people like me in the media. For all I loved Love, Simon and Love, Victor I cant place myself there, I can’t relate fully because they’re about being gay, not being like me. And for all I loved She-Ra there are lesbians, gays, a trans woman, poc, an autistic character. There are redeemed villains and non-Hetero heroes but there’s nobody like me.

I don’t see girls, or guys, or non-binary or fluid folks who are pan. No matter how inclusive media has gotten there are never people like me. I have supporting friends and parents but it’s still extremely hard.

People sometimes like to call me boy crazy as an insult. Sometimes I wonder if I portrayed myself like that because I was scared.

I was in a bad relationship with a guy. He was embarrassed to date me “because of his friends” and he stopped talking to me after I came out but I never connected it. And I would talk about him like he hung the moon. I think I talked so much about him because I wanted him to see that I cared for him, because I did. I care for people too much, which is why I started closing off after this. I stopped telling people I liked them, I became quieter about things that were important to me. I tried to limit the amount of me others saw.

Do you know what my friend did when I asked her if she was cool with me hanging out with at the fair, because he finally had time to spend with me, I was finally worth it? She turned it into an argument, called me boy crazy, an insult she knew hurt me. When he cancelled the plans with a flimsy excuse I thought she was right.

I thought I was the problem. When a kid at school called someone a fag I though *I* was the problem. I thought this guy liked me, but he ditched me. “Was i the problem?”

These are just the ramblings of girl whose trying to figure it all out, but maybe, if I had seen more people in the media like me, I wouldn’t feel like the problem.

Love, Grace

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feelingsandshit · 4 years

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So, I’m starting this blog so I can dump my feelings, because I’m just a girl in highschool trying to figure her life out. I’m pansexual and genderfluid. And I’m so fucking confused by this whole life thing. I’ve had my life planned out forever, but what I can’t plan out is the people who hurt me, the things I can’t find in the media, the way people will treat me, the interactions I have. I don’t have control over any of that, and to be honest, I’m just trying to make it through the rest of my life, starting now.

So thanks,

Love, Grace

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