felinememory

[felinememory]

It's something about the first that still lingers . Bringing butterflies and making my heart flutters.

Your eyes, your voice.

Those expressive eyes and loving voice. Nothing seem to change all these years

Red Rose , he's yours. But Ry is not.

I am just happy to see how far we had become.

From those kids inlove, to both happy adult.

We once believe that we were destined, but faith separated us.

For the reason that we found were we belong.

Dec 7,2023

[felinememory]

Tama kinilig lang yung puso ko today.

Out of the blue lang.

"Kaya nga hindi ako umalis, gusto kitang makasama."

Kase akala ko aalis ka din today and i will be all by myself dito sa bahay.

Thank you. Mahal kita palagi Ryan Jorge.

[felinememory]

It gives a girl more confidence if her partner approves ans ia happy and proud of her as she feel beautiful.

Nakakadown yung pupunahin ka nia, pero pag sa iba titig pa sya...

Nakakainis.. Nakakababa ng self esteem.

Nakakawala ng confidence.

[felinememory]

Indeed.

“The sun watches what I do. But the moon knows all my secrets.”

— Unknown

[felinememory]

*****

Jane Austen - "Sense and Sensibility"

[felinememory]

It was just a phase and will be soon...

Hopefully...

“Don’t you dare give up. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not ever.”

— Unknown

[felinememory]

Hidden pains...

“Nobody ever really knows how much anyone else is hurting. You could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken and you wouldn’t even know it. That’s why you should always try to be kind.”

— thespilledquotes

[felinememory]

Hard days...

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

— Sylvia Plath

[felinememory]

04.23

For the first time I felt violated 😢

And no one to speak about it.

I wanted to cry.

I wanter shout.

I wanted to be mad.

But I can't.

And the worst part, the person who promises to protect me didn't had a clue even if he's there.

I don't want him to blame himself.

My fault.

Always mine.

Can't breathe.

I wanna shout.

I wanna cry.

I wanna be mad.

I just wanted to forget that it ever happen.

I wanna bathe myself in alcohol and tears just to get clean.

But I can't.

I can't forget.

I can't forgive.

[felinememory]

04.23

Totally fucked up day.

I regretted this one.

Totally.

[felinememory]

Sumusuko, Umaasa pero malapit ng bumitaw...

Kung kaya ko lang ibalik ang panahon; ang oras.

Gugustuhin ko nga bang itama ang lahat?

Oo Maaari. Gugustuhin kong sulitin ang oras.

Gugustuhin kong ang tama ang gawin,

Pero pareho pa din ba ang itatakbo ng kwento?

O iba na ang magiging scenario?

Alin ang mas pagsisisihan?

Ang mali ng nakaraan na itatama?

O ang ngayon na pwedeng hindi naganap?

Ang ngayon na pwedeng mawala?

10/22/2018 Notes

[felinememory]

Take a deep breathe.

[felinememory]

Sometimes I really feel unwanted...

[felinememory]

Free yourself tonight.

[felinememory]

Just the sign i need right now.

I'm so down.

Anxiety attacks again.

I am crying my heart out.

Hug that's all i need.

[felinememory]

•CHASING MEMORIES•

"Why do you travel alone?" He asked.

"Finding bliss in solitude", then she smiled and take a sip of her coffee.

"Lalim.. Hahahaha..."

"I wanted to travel and enjoy.. Ayan simple na.. Hahahaha"

"You're shots were good. Nakita ko yung mga pinost mo".

"Oh, you're stalking me?" she said with a laugh.

"No. No. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way".

" I'm just kidding". She smiled, "ang seryoso mo eh. Stalker ba talaga kita? Hahaha"

"You're taking too many photos. Why not enjoy the view instead. It's already in front of you. Professional photographer ka?"

"Nope. Travel enthusiast lang. Memories. I wanted to collect memories."

He nods, "but you can instill it in your heart and mind you know. That's what other people do. Masarap ienjoy lang yung view, yung ambiance. "

"I'm enjoying. Masarap yung hangin. Maaliwalas. I've never been here. Atleast i know na ito ang unang beses. And i never went to a place twice. Kaya sinusulit ko".

"Even if the place is as beautiful as this? Masarap bumalik dito. It's my third time and I'm still inlove"

"I wanted to reach different places first while I still can. Kaya hindi ako bumabalik sa lugar na napuntahan ko na."

"Ohhhh, mabilis magmove on.. Hahahaha wag ganun..."

She sipped her coffee.

"Eventually I'll forget that I've been to this place. Those photos will be my memory of it. Yun lang yung pwede kong pang hawakan na nanggaling na ko dito. Na minsan sa buhay ko, hindi ko man maalala. Alam kong totoo pag nakita ko sa mga litrato. " she said with a smile but with the saddest eyes.

While he hide his. His own sadness hearing it from her.

They sipped their coffee in silence. But not an awkward one.

"Wanna try creating a memory with me?"

"Akala ko ba hindi kita stalker? Crush mo ko noh? Ahahahaha"

"No and Yes. No I'm not your stalker and Yes I like you"

" Wow. That's .. That's too straightforward", she felt a bit akward.

"You're asking"

"Yeah , oo nga naman. I asked."

"So is it a yes?"

"I have 3 rules".

"Fire it."

"First, be my photographer during this trip.

Second, let's both cut our connections to everyone outside this travel.

And last, no attachment. When this trip is over. We'll forget everything. Back to strangers. Deal?", she raised her cup.

"Deal.", and he did the same.

That happened a year ago.

He is still looking for her. Maling mali ang naging decision nyang bitiwan ito pagkatapos ang isang linggo nila sa Siargao.

Every where he went, sa tuwing magtatravel sya. He was still hoping na magkikita sila ulit.

She deleted her social media accounts.

She changed her number again.

Her blog stopped posting travel pictures more than 6 months already.

Nawalan na sya ng mapa para sundan ang dalagang nagpapatibok ng puso nia.

Nagtatanung pa din sya kung anung ibig sabihin ng mga huling salita na binitiwan nito bago sila maghiwalay sa airport. Akala nya ay tulad lang ulit yun ng dati.

"Thank you for making this travel different" like before, her smiles were trying to hide the sadness.

"Malay mo naman magkita tayo ulit sa sunod nating travel"

"Third rule dba?"

"Then we'll start over. Hahahaha.. I'll introduce myself and make you mine again for real." He kidded.

"Hahaha.. puro ka biro. We enjoyed this one. Memories dba?"

"Pero seryoso, sana magkita tayo sa Manila or sa sunod nating travel. I'll be in Batanes next. Baka lang naman".

"Hey." Aniya ng may halong lungkot, "rule 3".

"Oo na.. Oo na.. I'll stop. Fate na ang bahala".

Yumakap ang dalaga sa binata.

"My mind might forget this place and everything we've had. But i know my heart won't. Thank you so much. Kung sakali man na magkita nga ulit tayo. Maaring nabura na lahat ng alaala ko. Pero alam ko, makikilala ka ng puso ko. At kung ito man ang huli, salamat."

Hinigpitan ng binata ang yakap. He felt like if he let go. He won't ever see her again.

This is the first time he felt that way. Hindi tulad ng dati.

"Goodbye Kian." It hurts him hearing those words from her.

"See you again Allen."

And until now, He's searching.

Iba na naman ang numero ng dalaga.

Her Facebook's deleted.

Blogsite lang nito ang tanging paraan para masundan ito and her facebook page.

Pero tila ayaw talaga nitong magpahanap.

This time iba.

Batanes. El Nido. Cebu. Coron. Laguna. Davao. Hongkong. Singapore. Kung saan saan pa. At heto sya. Nasa Siargao ulit.

Kahit na sinabi ng dalaga na hindi sya bumabalik sa lugar na napuntahan na nya.

Umaasang magkikita sila.

He even used all his connections. Bigo syang mahanap ito. He went to her place pero wala na ito doon. No one could answer his questions. They were helping pero bigo pa din.

It already took him a year. A year of searching. A year of regret.

His phone beeps. A notification from a blog site. At halos mabitiwan nia ito ng makita kung anu ang notification na 'yon.

Allen's blogsite just posted an update.

A picture of a man holding his coffee. A silhouette with the sunset. With the caption," I think my heart find its way back".

To his shock, it was him.

Napatayo sya. Inikot ng tingin ang lahat ng direction malapit sa kanya. And there , he saw her. Holding the camera. In her white summer dress and fedora hat on. Smiling at him full of love and longing.

Teary eyed he went near close her. He wanted to know if this isn't just an imagination.

Tangina. Kape ang ininom nya hindi vodka. Kaya imposibleng naghahallucinate sya sa kalasingan.

"Hi." That's all he could say ng makalapit sya. Yun lang ang tanging nasabi nia.

"Hi," she answered.

And there, he pull her close to him into a tight longing hug.

Finally. Finally.

The search is over.

"Sorry it took me long to come back" she sobs on his chest.

"I've searched and waited. I even trusted fate."

"I will never leave you again."

"Hinding hindi na kita bibitawan. Hinding hindi ko na hahayaang mawala ka ulit."

"Hinding hindi na ko aalis. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the selfish decisions I've made. Ayokong masaktan ka".

He hugged her tighter.

"Napakamakasarili ko. Natakot ako. Natakot akong mawala lahat ng alaala ko ng tuluyan . Natakot akong hindi na kita marecognize. Last year.." , she cried even more reminiscing what happened last year there in Siargao.

"Shhhhh.. Tama na. You're here. Andito ka na."

"Sorry Sweetheart. Sorry for not recognizing you that time."

"It's all over now. Andito ka na. Andito ka na", he said in tears.

"Hinding hindi na ko mawawala ulit."

"At hinding hindi na kita bibitawan. Makalimutan mo man lahat, mawala man ang alaala mo dahil sa sakit mo. Hinding hinding na ko papayag na aalis ka sa tabi ko. Ipapaalala ko sayo lahat at gagawa tayo ng mas marami pa.."

"Hindi na mangyayari ulit yun. I'm good now, magaling na ko. And I won't ever forget you. I will never forget how much i love you".

He kissed her. That's the only answer he could give. He's happy. Ecstatic actually. Akala nia nawala na ito ng tuluyan sa kanya.

But no.

She's there.

She's back.

The search is finally over.

[felinememory]

Nightmares.

Painful.

"Hindi ako makahinga", sabi mo.

Why did i dream of you?

What happened?

Is it because of what i feel?

You wanted me to stop?

My heart hurts.

'Yung nakita ulit kita, pero sa ganung kalagayan pa.

Hindi ka makahinga.

I run outside to ask for help.

But no voice came out.

I just cried and made the gesture to ask for help.

Napakahelpless ko.

Tumakbo ako pabalik sayo.

Nakahiga kna.

Sabi ko labas tayo.

Dahil sobrang kulong sa kwarto.

No open windows.

Poor ventilation.

Kaya ka nahirapan huminga.

Kase sobrang init sa kwarto.

Sinubukan kitang itayo.

Kinaya ko.

Tulad nuon.

Kahit mag isa.

Kinakaya ko.

Naiupo kita sa paborito mong upuan sa terrace.

Sabi ko kailangan mong huminga. Kailangan mo ng maaliwalas.

And i woke up.

Mabigat ang pakiramdam.

Masakit sa puso.

Anung gusto niong sabihin?

'Tay, bakit sa ganun situation pa kita nakita ulit.

Maybe you're saying that i need to get out of the toxic zone?

Dahil ako lang din nahihirapan?

Kailangan ko bang lumabas?

Para huminga?

Dahil ba yun sa stress and depression na nararamdaman at pinagdadaanan ko?

Hindi ko din alam.