felixsdiary

[felixsdiary]

character sheet

general information: name: felix james murphy age: 21 nationality: american, irish birthplace: usa current location: new york city, usa

family: william murphy (father): felix’s father is emotionally distant and abusive, specifically violent, which has a major impact on his personality and past trauma. caitlin murphy (mother): moved to ireland after separating from felix’s father, felix visits her during holidays. david o'connor (stepfather): felix loves and respects him. their relationship is healthy and supportive. liam murphy (stepbrother, father's side): felix’s stepbrother is treated much better by their father, causing felix to feel jealousy and resentment.

education: -felix is currently in his third year of college, studying music. he took a gap year before continuing his studies. -felix works part-time as a guitar teacher during his free time.

personality: felix is a complex mix of confidence and insecurity. he is passionate, determined, and focused when it comes to his music, but carries deep emotional scars from his traumatic upbringing. possessive, especially when it comes to people he loves, particularly roksana. though his possessiveness can come off as controlling or obsessive, it’s rooted in his deep love and need to protect her. he would never intentionally hurt her, and the possessiveness is more about wanting to keep those he cares about close and safe. felix is introverted and can sometimes come across as standoffish or sarcastic. however, once you get past his walls, he’s a fiercely loyal and compassionate friend and partner. he has a deep seated fear of abandonment, likely due to his experiences with his father and the emotional distance he felt growing up. quick tempered, but the rage is often directed outward toward things or people (like his father or others who provoke him), rather than at the people closest to him.

appearance: felix has a strong build, light hair, usually worn slightly messy or tousled. he has hazel eyes that often appear intense and brooding, mirroring his emotions. height: 6'2 style: he dresses casually, jeans, tees, jerseys, jackets, sneakers.

relationships: roksana: felix is deeply in love with her, and she’s a big part of his world. he is obsessed with her, spoils her, and would do anything to make sure she feels loved and cared for. oscar: felix’s best friend. they have a dynamic where felix is more intense, while oscar is the more relaxed and sarcastic one. they’ve known each other for years, and despite their differences, they have a deep friendship and mutual respect. david (stepfather): though felix’s biological father was abusive, dave became a father figure to him after his mom moved back to ireland and met him. felix has a genuine affection for dave, and the two get along well. liam (stepbrother): their relationship was never good. felix was often jealous how their father would never lay a finger on liam. often wondering why was he not the favorite child.

hobbies/interests: felix has always been passionate about music, especially guitar playing. he often writes lyrics, but he’s struggled with finishing full songs. he works hard to improve his skills and loves improvising music with friends. felix also enjoys working out and sports, particularly soccer, which was a hobby of his when younger back in ireland. music teaching, he teaches guitar lessons on the side, helping beginners learn the instrument he loves. this has given him a chance to focus on his passion while earning some income.

fears and insecurities:abandonment is one of his biggest fears, especially since his dad wasn’t a consistent or supportive figure. felix is afraid that people he cares about will leave him, just like his father did. he’s also deeply insecure about his emotional vulnerability, often feeling that his past has made him “weak” or broken, even though he’s tried to keep his struggles to himself.

important events: felix’s traumatic childhood experiences with his father have shaped a lot of his personality, violence, emotional neglect, and abandonment left deep scars on him. the gap year after high school was a time for him to reflect and get away from his father. it was during this period that felix began to focus more on his music and made the decision to pursue a career in the field. first relationship, felix had his first serious romantic relationship at age 19. the experience was marked by confusion and possessiveness, especially since felix was still learning about healthy boundaries in relationships. moving in with his best friend, after meeting oscar right before college started, the both of them moved into an apartment together, attending the same campus. felix later on moved out and found a smaller place for him to live alone.

goals and aspirations: emotional growth is an ongoing journey for him. he wants to learn how to trust people more and allow himself to be more open and vulnerable without fear of being hurt.

strengths:loyal and protective: he’d go to great lengths to protect his loved ones, as proved before. talented with music: though he’s a bit rough around the edges, he has the ability to create something beautiful from nothing. determined: he doesn’t give up easily and is always looking to improve.

weaknesses:possessiveness: can sometimes become controlling or obsessive, especially when he feels like someone is threatening what he cares about. quick temper: he struggles with managing anger, especially when provoked. self doubt: deep down, he questions his own worth and feels that he’s broken in some way.

[felixsdiary]

silhouette? forget? clarinet?

felix was hunched over his desk, guitar balanced on his knee, fingers picking at the strings. his notebook sat open in front of him, filled with half written lyrics and scribbled out lines. he was stuck with no ideas.

oscar was sprawled across felix’s bed, phone in one hand, "you know" he said, not looking up, "at some point, you actually gotta write a full song instead of just playing the same four chords over and over."

felix raised his eyebrow and glanced at him, "at some point, you actually gotta shut the fuck up," he shot back, adjusting his grip on the guitar.

oscar snorted. "what’s the problem this time?"

"doesn’t sound right." felix answered, giving him a shrug.

"lemme hear it."

felix let out an annoyed breath but played the verse anyway, mumbling the lyrics under his breath. oscar listened, nodding along like he actually understood what was going on, although he didnt. when felix stopped, oscar sat up, pretending to think real hard.

"alright, so," oscar said, tapping his fingers against his knee. "maybe try... uh, a different tempo?"

felix squinted at him. "a different tempo?" he repeated, eyebrow raised.

"yeah. like..." oscar slapped his hands against his thighs in a way that was completely off-beat. "like this."

felix’s face twisted in frustration. "jesus christ," he muttered under his breath. "ya fuckin’ with my tempo."

"you don’t even have a tempo dude" oscar shot back. "you’re just playing sad boy music in slow motion."

felix sighed heavily but adjusted his strumming, trying to match whatever mess oscar was trying to make. and yeah, maybe it did sound a bit better.

"see? you need me," oscar said smugly, like he’d just solved world peace.

"what i need..." felix said, deadpan, "is for ya to never do that again."

"naah" oscar said, grabbing felix’s notebook and flipping through it like he knew anything about lyrics. "what rhymes with ‘drowning in regret’?"

"ya ma." felix replied.

oscar scribbled it down without a second thought. "cool. i’ll put that in the chorus."

felix couldn’t help but laugh, even though he didn’t want to. "seriously, man. gimme somethin’ better."

oscar frowned, pretending to think hard. "uh... silhouette? forget? clarinet?"

"why the fuck would i put ‘clarinet’ in a song?"

"i dunno, you’re the artist, not me" oscar said, tossing the notebook back at him.

felix shook his head but wrote something down anyway. he played through the verse again, this time with the proper words, and it sounded pretty decent.

"there you go" oscar said, stretching out like he’d just solved a rubik’s cube. "you’re welcome, by the way."

"for what?"

"being the fucking genius that keeps your music from sounding like dogshit."

felix threw a pillow at his head. "fuck off."

[felixsdiary]

steak and mashed potatoes.

the kitchen smelled like burnt meat. the old light above the table flickered, buzzing like it was about to go out, and felix sat stiff in his chair, staring at the plate in front of him.

he wasn’t hungry. he hadn’t been for a while.

his dad sat across from him, taking a slow drag from his cigarette, the end glowing in the dim light. his beer bottle was next to his plate, half-empty.

“eat,” his dad said.

felix gripped his fork tighter, pushing the food around. the steak was overcooked, dry and tough, sitting in a pool of cold grease. the mashed potatoes looked more like glue. he swallowed hard, his stomach twisting.

“i don’t want any more,” he said, voice quiet.

his dad didn’t move at first. just took another long pull from his cigarette, exhaling the smoke slow.

then, suddenly, the plate was gone.

felix barely had time to react before his dad grabbed the back of his head and slammed his face down into it.

pain exploded through his nose, white-hot, sharp. the plate cracked under the force, food smearing across his face, into his hair. his mouth filled with the taste of salt and grease, the sting of something metallic.

for a second, everything blurred—his ears rang, his eyes watered.

then his dad’s voice cut through it.

“who the fuck do you think you are, huh?” his grip stayed tight in felix’s hair, yanking his head back up. “you think you get to waste food? you think you’re better than what i put on that plate for you?”

felix gasped, blood dripping from his nose, mixing with the cold potatoes on his cheek.

“i—i’m sorry—”

his dad slammed him down again.

stars burst in his vision, pain shocking through his skull.

he couldn’t breathe right, his nose clogged with blood, his chest tight. he wanted to cry, but he knew better. crying made it worse.

his dad finally let go, shoving him back against the chair. felix’s head spun, his small hands shaking as he wiped at his face, smearing blood and food everywhere.

his dad leaned back, taking another drag of his cigarette like nothing happened.

“fucking ungrateful,” he muttered.

felix didn’t move. didn’t speak. just sat there, his body aching, his face burning, his stomach twisting like he was gonna be sick.

he knew better than to leave the table.

so he sat there, silent.

and he ate.

[felixsdiary]

anything for her.

felix’s hands were steady on the wheel, dallas wasn’t that far. a few hours, maybe less, but time wasn’t on his mind, the only thing he could think about was what roksana had told him a while ago.

it was two thousand eighteen, two senior guys, a bet, they used her like she was nothing, took photos like it was some kind of joke.

his girl.

felix had grown up with a monster. he knew what cruelty looked like, knew what it felt like to be treated like you weren’t human. and those two guys were just like his father. the kind of men who walked around, untouched, never paying for any shit they did. until now.

he pulled up to the first house, turning off the engine. rolling his sleeves up, he flexed his fingers, already feeling the itch under his skin. he stepped out, fixing the cuffs of his suit jacket before walking up the driveway. he knocked. polite and casual.

the guy opened the door, half-asleep, blinking at him. felix smiled. “hey, man.” then he punched him straight in the face.

the guy stumbled back, a choked sound coming out of him, but felix didn’t let him breathe. he followed him inside, kicking the door shut behind him. “bet you weren’t expecting company tonight huh?" felix said, rolling his shoulders before landing another punch to his ribs. the crack was satisfying. “w-who the fuck—”

“you don’t remember me.” another punch. “but i know you.” felix grabbed the guy by his hair, yanking his head up so he had to look at him. his face was already swelling, blood smeared across his lip. “2018. sunset high. you and your little friend had some fun, didn’t you? bet on a girl. took pictures. treated her like she was a fucking joke.”

the guy’s breath hitched, fear creeping into his swollen eyes.

felix grinned, but there was nothing friendly about it. “oh, now you remember.” he slammed his fist into the guy’s stomach, then let him drop to the floor. he groaned, curling up, but felix wasn’t done. he grabbed a handful of his shirt and dragged him up just to send a punch to his jaw.

his knuckles stung, split open from the force, but he didn’t stop. he kept going. over and over. he wanted this bastard to feel it. to remember this moment every time he fucking breathed.

by the time he finally let go, the guy was barely conscious, his face a mess of blood and bruises. felix wiped his hand on his jacket, exhaling slowly.

“hope it was worth it, have fun” he muttered before stepping over him and walking out the door.

the second one lived in an apartment.

felix knocked again, same polite act, same fake patience. the second guy answered, looking just as confused as the first. “do i—”

felix punched him so hard he crashed into the wall. he followed him inside, slamming the door shut with his foot. the guy was already scrambling up, holding his nose, blood dripping between his fingers.

“jesus christ, man—”

felix grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the wall, his knee driving into his stomach. the guy gasped, choking on air.

“let’s skip the part where you pretend you don’t know why i’m here,” felix said, voice eerily calm.

he let go just to send a fist straight to his gut again, watching him double over, coughing. then another to the side of his head. he hit the ground, dazed, but felix crouched down, grabbing him by the throat.

“roksana. 2018. you remember her?” his fingers tightened. “you should. you and your buddy had a good laugh, right?”

the guy gagged, nails clawing at felix’s wrist. felix smiled, tilting his head. “you don’t look like you’re laughing now.”

he let go just to slam the guy’s head against the floor. then again. and again. by the time he stopped, the guy was groaning, barely moving, face a ruined mess of blood and swelling.

felix stood up, flexing his bruised fingers, breathing heavy but controlled. he fixed his jacket, smoothing the wrinkles. “stay the fuck away from women. or next time, i’ll make sure you don’t walk away.”

he stepped over him, not sparing another glance before heading back to his car.

outside, the cold air felt sharp against his burning skin. he rolled his wrists, flexing his fingers, feeling the ache in his knuckles.

pulling a cigarette from his pocket, he lit it, the flame flickering in the dark. he took a long drag, letting the smoke curl in his lungs before exhaling.

his phone buzzed. he pulled it out, checking the screen.

without thinking, he typed a message.

i love you.

he hit send, taking another slow pull of his cigarette.

this wasn’t for him. it was never for him.

it was for her.