femonologue

[femonologue]

So since you’re obviously trying to be obtuse about Sabrina carpenter - people are mad because it’s misogynistic and anti-feminist. Have you even seen the album cover? She’s on her knees with some dude holding her by the hair. Since you’re being a little bitch about it I won’t start on the politics of why this matters even more right now. Get the fuck out of here you stupid Russian skank

I'm sorry everybody I know I'm supposed to do some kind of zinger in reply but this is genuinely so fucking funny

[femonologue]

Get warm with papa

(For context this is a male rescue cat who climbed into an incubator full of orphaned kittens and went mine now)

[femonologue]

Let’s Have Another Bullet Point Story, Courtesy of a Friend

So I have a friend that used to be in the tumblers troupe at the renfaire as a contortionist

We were chatting online and she told me to tell you all this story.

I love Kat dearly

but she forgets that she’s stupid strong and hypermobile

so one day she throws her back out

bad enough that she needed painkillers and couldn’t stand upright

“But also I needed Tampons and like.  A Burrito, real bad.”

she’s flat on her back in her apartment when she decides this

and, in an

impeccable

leap of reasoning, decides

“I can’t roll my back forward to sit/stand up like normal.

But I can ARCH my back just fine.

SO 

I’m going to do that and get on my hands and feet in a stomach-in-the-air this-shit-belongs-in-a-horror-movie-type pose,

And amble on down to the 7-11”

“And get me that Burrito”

It is, 

for context, 

after midnight in July during a wildfire so it’s hot as satan’s own asshole and the moon is red and shit’s already generally cursed.

Imagineyou are some poor sap working nights at the world’s deadest 7-11, and you hear the door jangle but you don’t see anyone’s head over the counters.

Whatever.

Except you keep hearing noises like there’s someone in the next aisle over.  

Fucking around in the burrito section

It’s also worth mentioning that Kat

1. sings whatever earworm is currently running through her head when she’s not paying attention

2. sounds EXACTLY like some kind of creepy child from a horror movie when doing so

tonight’s song is something from veggietales.

DUDE ACTUALLY STANDS HIS GROUND

and/or is really fucking high and isn’t sure if he’s tripping balls or notanyway

Kat goes up to pay for her burrito and tampons

She realizes the counter presents something of a challenge, and then demonstrates for me on her kitchen table at 4AM during a different july wildfire, 

exactly 

how she used the shelves to climb up the counter 

like one of the boston robotics beasties

dude stares at her for like, five minutes and says.

“Register’s broke.”

“Oh No!” Says Kat. “Just Take ‘em.” “Really?  I can leave cash-you don’t have to give me change I don’t want you to get in trouble with your manager.” “…Nah.” “Oh!  OK!  Thank you!” “Yeah ok bye.”

Shortly after she arrived back at the apartment, she got a text on her phone from the campus security about  "A Suspicious Individual” at tle 7-11. 

It took her 

FOUR

FUCKING 

YEARS

 to realize she was the suspicious individual

[femonologue]

Mama cat gargoyle

Cat with a kitten statue on the roof of the castle of Château de Pierrefonds, France. It was built between 1393-1407.

[femonologue]

theyre inventing the opposite of ozempic that actually makes you happy. and theyre calling it yummy foods and treats

[femonologue]

i love the never kill your self meme like yeah joy can be found in humble places peace and love on planet earth

[femonologue]

Campaign from the center-left, govern from the right. The Liberals do the same thing every time they get into power, and for some reason it surprises their voters, every single god damn time.

[femonologue]

a lot of people could stand to start viewing the nakba and the holocaust as a continuum rather than as competitive binaries

[femonologue]

hysterectomy should be an informed consent procedure full stop. it should be illegal to deny someone a hysterectomy based on their age or based on them not having kids or based on their spouse/partner not signing off on it. anyone over 18 should be allowed to make that decision.

[femonologue]

The current MEANWHILE IN NEWFOUNDLAND story:

The newsbag groups light up last night because there is cops and more at the Bell Island airstrip. People are trying to find out what's on da go because it seems serious.

Enter Tara with the reasoning:

lobster fishing husband [derogatory] has entered my lexicon.

[femonologue]

Head of engineering: “Look I understand your concerns but I promise you even if Unit-19H was at an uncomfortable temperature we don’t have enough blankets!”

Pilot that hasn’t slept in 52 hours, between sobs while spreading three blankets on top of their mech: “But she’s cold!”

[femonologue]

Thirsty wunk

[femonologue]

joe biden: how do i look in this chef hat, giuseppe?

giuseppe, the presidential butler: waifish and breedable as always, muy lord

joe biben: fabulous. pass me the Improbable Meat

[femonologue]

[femonologue]

[femonologue]

Who's with me 💦?