feyrecursebringer

[feyrecursebringer]

I hate when people are like “so tell me about yourself”. What do you want like my trauma or my favourite colour let’s be specific.

[feyrecursebringer]

Doing ten percent better today. I think I might start doing my weekend updates on Sundays since those are the hardest day of the week for me right now.

Things to look forward to:

Groceries, breaking my fast, and my post-breakup getting drunk for the first and probably only time tomorrow. My friend who's holding my phone and providing a place to drink and I are going to try a new trail before grocery shopping too. Not a long one but longer than I would have tried a month ago.

Flynn set up an appointment for me to get a massage and facial on Friday. I'm pretty sure it's because I was freaking out at 3 AM last night when he messaged me and he wants me to relax. Still, I'm accepting it. It goes along with my accept every social or positive experience that presents itself right now.

Saturday I'm tutoring the future lawyer. We're normally doing Friday mornings at a coffee shop but he has to go to Rhode Island Friday to help a friend move. So we decided to go to this gorgeous Greek place at the mall I want to try for the writing and research discussion. I've done a ton of prep and I think I know exactly how to help him.

Sunday I'm home by myself and will probably struggle. But that's okay. I have a lot of fixing to do and there are a lot of hard days ahead. Today was one. Yesterday was worse. But tomorrow might be better.

Kat, Mom and I are going to Canada in the spring, no matter where I'm living by then. That should give me just about enough time to get back to my normal or at least a more reasonable weight. But I'm saying it because it's something to look forward to.

I hate myself. I hate what I did. I hate how it hurt the person that I think is the most amazing human on earth. But I don't get to tap out and die even if sometimes I wish I could. I have to keep going and make my life worth something good. Otherwise all I'll be left with is regret.

I don't want to be left with only regret. I want to look back in one year, two, five, and see that I've done something good for other people. I want to see that I added something good to this world.

So I'll set up stuff to look forward to. I'll keep spending time with my lawyer client and possibly friend as well as the woman I met walking who has red hair the exact same shade as mine. I'll keep forcing myself to answer my friends and not just fade out for days.

What other (good) choice do I have?

[feyrecursebringer]

I literally can't do this. I give up.

[feyrecursebringer]

Trevor* made this meme and it gave me a good laugh. Which is nice because I can't sleep.

The meme is a pretty accurate replay of what happened.

[feyrecursebringer]

Me: I'm going to make sure I don't go anywhere where my ex may have to see me in games or online anywhere.

Also me: joins a fucking server from a link and there he is working at it.

I can't even do anything right when I'm really, really trying. I can't believe seeing his name in a fucking Discord server gave me a panic attack.

--

Flynn says I should start dating because it will be a distraction from being sad and it doesn't have to be serious. Trevor says I'm going to try to speed run my emotions and that's not healthy. Kate says wait til I move to decide when I'm ready.

Sitting with it for the last bit, I think I'm not in a place where I want to. I get Flynn's point but I don't think it's the right direction for me. Besides I am pretty sure I already know my exact future including marriage and it's just a matter of time.

I wouldn't say I'm excited about it but it makes sense and other than for this one guy who I'll never speak to again, I'm not an emotional person. So why waste time in the meantime?

I admit though that part of me is considering having casual sex. Being fat is kind of a blessing right now because if I was my five years ago weight, I would have done it right away as a personal punishment instead of hesitating. And I've never had casual sex. That's just not me. It actually disgusts me.

But I don't really know who I am anymore, I guess.

There's other stuff to focus on this week. I'm drinking with a friend Thursday (and he's keeping my phone so no danger of drunk dial mistakes.) We're going to this really beautiful Greek place for dinner Saturday because our coffee and writing lessons plan for Friday was upended by him having to go out of town for a day. I definitely didn't mind changing it up for this place.

I'm looking forward to that as much as I can look forward to something now. The restaurant is at the mall but it's absolutely beautiful inside. The menu looks very good. There's a cheese plate and a plate with dips we said we want to try. And I'm getting paid to be there so the high prices kind of cancel out?

The only downside is I kind of wanted to push this fast to ten days and if we're eating there I have to start eating by Thursday to not get sick. So it'll be a lame 96 hour fast instead. That makes me anxious. 96 hours feels like nothing. Not enough. I need to go to the gym more but I'm going twice or more a day already and today I couldn't handle it.

At least I know now that not wanting to intrude on him or know anything about his life (because that's not my business) is genuine and not a lie I'm telling myself because that felt fucking terrible.

Okay. I'm done writing. I was crashing out but getting this all down helped.

Updating to add something kind of funny. I was hanging out with Trevor playing Fortnite when I joined and left the server. I basically had an immediate panic attack, took an anxiety pill, and said goodnight. But we were texting after and I was telling him I feel like a total and complete jerk for kicking in the door of a place where he is. Travis said I didn't kick it in. I walked calmly in, saw I needed to leave, and then walked right back out like that one Simpsons gif.

So that was funny.

[feyrecursebringer]

One day I woke up and everybody knew what a labubu was

[feyrecursebringer]

I woke up at 6 and figured I'd slept enough so I went to the gym. Got home a little before 9 and I feel like total crap. Hot. Dizzy. Headache. Exhausted.

I'm worried about taking a break from working out so I'm going to nap and then go back later today. At the very least I can do the bike even if I'm feeling this bad.

I've been so up and down the last few days. I can barely keep my eyes open to write this.

[feyrecursebringer]

[feyrecursebringer]

Just to preface: my fault, natural consequences, well-deserved, not complaining just talking.

I am so unhappy.

I miss talking to him so much. Like more than anything I've ever missed before.

I'm staying busy. I'm journaling. I'm using breathing techniques. I'm checking in with friends. I can listen to music and play a few games again. I've lost weight so rapidly that the gym check in person asked me yesterday if I was okay.

Not really.

I look sick. I feel sick. I'm running my body into the ground between fasting and the gym.

But when I stop moving, I can't stand the way I feel. How much I miss him. I just had to do anxiety breathing to finish writing that sentence.

I know he doesn't miss me and his own path is very different because I hurt him so much and betrayed him. But I can't help but wish he'd been so cruel or something at the end that my brain closed down on him. Anything so that I wouldn't miss him. This isn't usual for me. I don't know how to deal with it. I know it can't feel like this forever but it's so hard.

But I'll keep getting up and going to the gym and eating as little as possible. I'll get my body back, be able to wear my clothes from 2020 again, and continue looking for jobs and volunteer work.

I get why Taylor Swift said, "I was grinning like I'm winning/I was hitting my marks." Everything feels like a performance. I'm being honest to the point of absurd over sharing. But every day I have to smile and try to figure out how to be the girl that's best for the people I have left. And I'm doing it. I'm doing so good at it. Until I'm alone, I am doing so good.

Sometimes when I smile, I feel like my face is going to crack.

This Friday I'm going to finally drink with my new friend. He said he'd take my phone so I don't drunk dial which has been my biggest fear regarding drinking. Maybe it will help to be able to just dance and drink and not think.

I hate this. I did this. I hate this. I was too tired to keep playing tonight and now I'm crying again.

I will do literally anything to stop missing him. I don't mind feeling the regret for what I did. The guilt. The weight. Those are mine and ignoring them would be wrong.

I just don't want to miss him anymore. Please. If it doesn't get better soon I know I'm going to start doing stupid things to move on just so I don't feel this. So can that one feeling just stop, please?

Double the guilt. Double the self hatred. I don't care.

Just please take away missing him.

[feyrecursebringer]

[feyrecursebringer]

I don't know if it's the sunburn or something else but I'm exhausted today. I did the gym, walked a few miles, and went back to the gym this morning but I was home and back in bed before 11.

[feyrecursebringer]

✨ Weekly Check-In ✨

**Week 3 of trying to be better but also just to get through this**

🍽️ Days Fasted 🍽️

3 with 22/2 fasts the rest of the week except today when I only did 16. I don't eat over 1000 calories most days. Generally I just have a salad. 

I admitted to Trent* today that I'm deliberately triggering my eating disorder to lose weight. I think I was also admitting it to myself as I listened to my fucking anorexia playlist and cried in the bathroom at the mountain because I had to eat six bites of lunch. Even though we walked five miles, I went to the gym twice, and I took a yoga class.

Genuinely don't care. I'll worry about it when I'm underweight again. Like I told Trent, I hate myself either way. But almost everyone else likes me more when I'm underweight than when I'm overweight. 

Fuck. 

⚖️ Pounds Lost ⚖️

I haven’t stepped on a scale yet. I know I'm going to freak the fuck out when I do.

Nothing about this has changed. My necklines are so loose I have to wear sports bras to keep them reasonable to wear. My pants are flapping. My face looks sick from losing so fast. 

I genuinely don't care. 

🧠 Mindset 🧠

Teetering between hating myself and the thought fuck everything. 

The only things that really make me feel good are hurting myself or helping other people. I feel good picking up trash. I feel good bringing money to the homeless man who's often sitting out on my night walks. I feel good being attentive to my friends after I realized how much I neglected them because everything that wasn't HIM felt like a waste of time I could have with him. 

I am so fucking stupid. I wish I'd left him alone to have a completely wonderful life where he never had to know me at all. 

🎉 Positive Moments 🎉

* I got my license and my car. I drove to Boston alone. I've been going everywhere just to drive. I never wanted to but it's nice to feel freer. 

* Paying close attention to my friends and using active listening. 

* I got a new freelance job. Through nepotism but still. My parents know some people at church whose son is going to law school. He struggles with papers and writing because he's dyslexic. We met this morning and I thought it would be weird because we're the same age but it was nice. I'm going to teach him once a week to improve his writing skills and proofread his papers. The money is good.

* Got my brows threaded (ouch) and my brows and lashes tinted. I look like an inflated version of my old self. 

* The aspiring lawyer ended up hanging out with me all day when he found out I was driving to Maine. I told him he wouldn't enjoy it because I'm going through a breakup and was planning to sing along to my repeato playlist. He said that was fine. (He's also going through one.) It was nice to have company. Maybe a friend even? More on that under negatives.

* I've started talking to the homeless gentleman I see a lot at night more. He's very kind. He has a lot of physical pain and mental pain.

* My pancreas is functioning normally. 

* Mount Agamenticus was really nice. I walked a lot of it alone because I wanted some time to look and think. My new friend was very cool about it. But it was beautiful and gray and fun to explore. I'm glad I went. 

😶‍🌫️ Difficult Truths 🤔

* I can't even say my ex's name. 

* Spending the day talking and exploring with a new friend should have only felt good. Instead on the way there we were joke arguing about Hamilton and it felt good but then I looked at him and thought God I wish it was (my ex) with me laughing and talking. It happened again on the way home when I let him drive. I feel awful for thinking that. I'm disgusting. 

* Kat left. I feel like I'm nothing with her gone. 

* My new therapist basically tagged me as ADHD, depression, anxiety and PTSD in one conversation. I felt attacked.

* I played my favorite game for a couple hours and just felt empty. 

* Dad has been really unkind because he's stressed. 

* I don't sleep well unless I push my body to its physical limit. If I feel myself starting to cry, I walk or workout. 

* I haven't let myself drink or take drugs. I'm scared if I do, I'll call him because I got drunk once when my first ex and I broke up, called him, and didn't remember it the next day. I don't want to intrude on his life or make him think of me. But I want to drink for one night. Just one night of not having to feel like this. 

🥅 Goals for the Week Ahead 🥅

* Figure out a plan for going to help out my best friend for two weeks.

* Find a new workout class to try 

* Find 20 things to toss or donate. 

* Undervolt and test my dad's fucking computer so he can decide to wait for the next gen and return it anyway. 

💭 Final Thoughts 💭

I almost went drinking last night with some people from the gym. I didn't but it was close. Once again, just talking about my thoughts with Trevor helped so fucking much. It kept me from making the wrong choice. 

I've been so full of wrong choices and until the last month, they were all rooted in fear. Fear of my family hating me and desperately trying to win their love defined most of my life. Fear of change keeps me from moving forward. Fear of losing my ex kept me from being honest. 

Now my wrong choices will be rooted in something else and I don't know what yet. I'm not scared anymore. Leave me if you're going to leave me. Nothing will ever hurt like him leaving me (even though he was smart to and even though I deserved it.) I walk at night without taking my phone. I deliberately triggered my eating disorder. I keep moving when my hip is screaming. I'm direct with people about my thoughts and feelings. 

It's hard to be full of fear when you don't care anymore. 

I care about being what my friends want. I care about being who my family wants. That's what I've chosen to keep me going. But I'm not scared of failing. 

Everyone can leave me. I can get hurt. I can lose everything. It just doesn't matter at all to me as long as I feel like I'm trying to be whatever version of me they need the most.

But there's a weird freedom in not caring. I've talked to so many strangers. I've made a few friends to do things with. I walk into places alone dressed like shit and acutely aware of how disgusting my body is now and I don't give a fuck. I walk through the forest alone. At night. I stop and lay in the grass by the trail and look at the stars. 

Maybe something bad will happen. It probably won't.

It's better than being scared but being hollowed out is the strangest feeling. I don't think I've ever cared less what happens to me.

[feyrecursebringer]

I made the right choice. I didn't go out and probably get drunk. After I told my friend (who I thought we wouldn't be friends anymore but I actually feel like we're closer now?) he said I don't need new problems on top of what I'm already working through.

Good advice.

[feyrecursebringer]

Doing my Friday update Saturday this week because tonight will determine how fucked up I am for the week.

[feyrecursebringer]

What if my mom was right all along?

Fuck.

On a not unrelated side note, my last friend is leaving today. I mean, I have casual friends up here. But it isn't like home.

--

Driving Kate to the airport and then hopefully sleeping more. Barely did last night. Woke up before 2 and just walked until it was time to wake her.

I'll see her next month. This isn't forever.

[feyrecursebringer]

[feyrecursebringer]

She’s almost a year old, next month is her birthday. But she’s still the same chaos queen